When I Stop Praying

In the Bible we are beseeched to pray without ceasing (1Thessalonians 5:17). It is our honor and privilege as believers to make known our thoughts, needs, concerns and share our gratefulness and praise with our Maker. My prayers typically aren't very formal, as I just share from my heart what is going on. Looking back over the years, I see how blessed I am. Of my deepest desires, I have been given all of them. Let me be clear though, it is rarely in the timing I wanted, in the place I wanted or in the manner I wanted.

2005 was an interesting year. My sister was engaged, her fiance deployed overseas till the fall, and until they were to be married, my sister was my roommate, finishing up her senior year of college. For me it was a  year of growing up. I bought my condo convinced that it wasn't my time to meet my future husband and I would be alone for a while, and was also blessed with a promotion at work. A special trip to the SDA General Conference in St Louis also highlights the year. At about July/August though I remembered in less than a year my sister would be married and I would no longer have a roommate or anyone to keep me company in my home. This caused me a lot of anxiety. I wasn't eager to live by myself due to the intense loneliness I felt when I lived on my own before. In October of 2005 I met my future hubby. In the fullness of time in my life, my future husband arrived on the scene, right on cue. And due to his obvious appreciation of both myself and my family I knew early on he was likely to want to stick around. (My husband reminiscing the other night about his first family dinner, mentioned that my Dad started talking in a goofy Austrian accent at the dinner table. My hubby said he had not met anyone like that before...and I added or anyone like that since). The funny thing about it is that a condo purchased because I worried I would be alone has housed over the years several people. I actually needed to have purchased a bigger house - wait maybe that would mean more people living here. :)

However that story is seen now through the lens of time and understanding how my life and my Hubby's life were being guided towards each other. In the meantime there periods of time when all I felt was heartache, loneliness and feelings of rejection. Emotionally it was difficult to keep balanced between honestly experiencing my emotions and maintaining hope. It wasn't time yet for my hubby to join my life and my heart, mind and emotions didn't want to hear that answer. I wanted my way. It is often with great difficulty that I am finally able to choke out the words "not my will, but yours be done." C.S. Lewis so eloquently addresses this issue regarding prayer:

Prayer is request. The essence of a request, as distinct from a demand, that is why it may or may not be granted. And if an infinitely wise Being listens to the requests of finite and foolish creatures, of course He will sometimes grant them and sometimes refuse them…. If God had granted all the silly prayers I’ve made in my life, where would I be now?” 

The trouble is in my emotionally dark moments my need is real and all consuming, not silly. So this is how I know when it is time to stop praying, when I start demanding and commanding God to do things on my behalf. When my emotions and need overwhelm everything and all I can do is tell God to do what I want and do it now. I know then it is time to take a step back breathe, meditate or just plain cry until my emotions and needs have subsided again. That is when I am reminded that the pain I feel and the tears that fall do not go unnoticed

"You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

When I am demanding and commanding God to act on my behalf in a manner I approve of I am insisting on my will be done, it is also a way of denying the sorrow and loss that I feel.  The verse in Psalms is a reminder that its OK to feel the sorrow, the grief and the loss of my dreams occurring in the manner I longed for. In fact my Father in Heaven cares so much about my sorrows that he stores my tears and writes my sorrows down, He will not forget me. When I stop praying and experience my sorrows and losses, I am able approach the throne of Grace again seeking His will be done. Its part of my continual journey of surrender to Him "not my will, but Yours be done." Amen.

Contentment

When I look at this picture, I see possibilities, the adventures yet to begin, and at the same time I see contentment, I hear the rhythm of the surf, and I feel the coolness of the sand. Contentment means peace, satisfaction,  and an ongoing battle between wanting more and accepting where I am in my life. Perhaps that is why contentment is something that so often eludes me. There seems to me a fine line between motivation to change and enjoying where I am in life.

I have completed a semester's worth of work in grad school. I am well into the process of learning about Marriage and Family Therapy. Yet it seems a blink of time and it will be done. I will be onto the next phase of my life. At the same time life does not stop. My husband and I still face challenges, still have to remember to work together and still get overwhelmed with trying to juggle each area of responsibility.


Then we come to Christmas....the time of year where reflection and busyness collide. This year my husband and I have spent more time together, more time just enjoying being around each other, and more time talking about our interests. I think of all the time I could be out searching for the perfect gifts, spending money, and adding to the stress in my life. Instead I find myself thinking about the special moments of this year shared with my husband, family and extended family. And the joy of meeting more of husband's extended family and how blessed we are to have them in our lives. This year I want more contentment....more peace.....more joy....more memories that will hold me through the tough times in life. I have enough stuff. I can always buy something bigger, better or faster. I realize now what a blessed woman I am, my life is full of precious, wonderful friends and family. So in the coming year I want more of the same, more joy, more memories. I want more hugs from my husband, more shared laughter and fun with our families, all of them,  and more time with good friends to share the stories, and a baby would be nice too. In the meantime, whether I receive what I want or not, I will remember "every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change" James 1:17. Because the Father is the one who cares for me and has given me everything I have, whatever  I have is enough. I am content.

l'll hold your weaknesses. Will you hold mine?

I am so surprised at how often people (friends, family members, acquaintances) expect perfection out of themselves and also the people around them. Church too. A perfect Christian, whether a church member or leader seems to me the opposite presentation of our actual needs in Church every week. We come as we are, broken, sinful and needing healing. This is something that happens in a meaningful way during conversion, and it also needs to happen every week. Why every week?

We are experiencing life every week. Life with its approval of perfection and its disapproval of failure. It can create a toughness, a facade, demanding only perfection be allowed to show. In reality though we are dealing with more painful things than can be handled perfectly.  I like this quote from "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse."

Satan has erected fortresses in people's lives through incest, child abuse, domestic violence, alcoholism and countless other addictions, spiritual abuse, any way he can deceive, rob and enslave. But instead of tearing down these fortresses with truth and grace, the church has fought about the color of the hymnals. We have taught classes, built buildings, served on committees, and gone to seminars so that our leaders are spiritually gratified. We have spent our spiritual energy bribing our children to go to church and memorize Bible verse by promising perfect attendance pins and trophies. We have taken each others' spiritual inventories to make sure people aren't going to movies, wearing makeup or chewing gum in church. We have taught people prayer recipes and formulas. If this is really our job, we are truly spiritually overdressed.

I find it interesting that we are all of us going through difficult times whether its a lack spiritual, financial, emotional resources or dealing with conflict within our support systems, we are constantly being taxed. This reveals to me that within the Body of Christ, we have profound opportunities of ministry, to each other. 

I grew up the daughter of a passionate man, with a vision for creating a spiritually healthy place for people who long for an authentic relationship with God. My Dad reminds me of this verse 

"Of the sons of Issachar, men who understood the times, with knowledge of what Israel should do, their chiefs were two hundred; and all their kinsmen were at their command." 1st Chronicles 12:32.

My Dad is someone who understood the times and knew what needed to be done. I tease my Dad that he has the vision and leadership for great things, its the nuts and bolts of making it happen that escape him. :) My point is that that he knew what needed to be done for the future of the church and he was able to "pass the torch" of that vision to his children, and also to their spouses (and if you know in-law situations, you know this was a bigger challenge than the first).

However I am not unaware that my Dad also has weaknesses. Being his child I have had a front row seat and heard the criticisms leveled at him regarding his weaknesses and then heard them used to discredit his ability to lead. These experiences were invaluable to me. It taught me several things...

1. Don't assume that I know the whole story - being willing to listen and accept both sides of the story as truth. (This helped us to reconcile a relationship with family over the summer that I thought would never find healing).
2. Using a weakness against someone is part of the pursuit of perfection I see most often in the workplace.( I have actually been offered the opportunity to advance if I would take advantage of a friend and colleague with less experience, less ability and less seniority than I. I wasn't interested and left that job eventually).
3. Working as a team has always brought me more success than working on my own. (I have worked with people with both great strengths and significant weaknesses).
4. Hold a person's weaknesses gently. (I have only seen significant growth occur regarding a person's weaknesses when it is in the shelter of a securely attached relationship).

Where you go I'll go

Do you have a mentor in your life that inspired you? Brought out the best in you? I have been blessed with both the opportunity to be lead by dynamic, interesting and thoughtful individuals, but also had the opportunity to lead. Since I work with adults and children with developmental delays, I sometimes also am the person who stands alone advocating for a person who needs my voice. Every parent though is a leader. Thinking that leadership is left up to the Teachers, Pastors and other professionals denies the central role a parent plays in a child's life.  Let's explore the topic of leadership together and see where it leads us......

For leadership to occur it means that something intangible is being passed from mentor to mentored. There are also different environments in which leadership is needed. Leadership starts with the individual and works it way outward.
1. Individual
2. Family
3. Community of associates
4. Larger Community
5. State
6. National
7. Global
8. Spiritual

In addition there are many voices claiming that their way is the right way. Leadership is seen as a way to develop power over people, and when someone has power that isn't too far away from being able to control other people.  Jesus spoke of this to his disciples regarding spiritual leadership and waiting for Him to come again.

At that time if anyone says to you, ‘Look, here is the Christ!’ or, ‘There he is!’ do not believe it. 24For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and miracles to deceive even the elect—if that were possible. 25See, I have told you ahead of time. 26“So if anyone tells you, ‘There he is, out in the desert,’ do not go out; or, ‘Here he is, in the inner rooms,’ do not believe it. 27For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man.(Mathew 24:23-27)




How do we sort out the different messages coming at us on a daily basis, claiming to have truth, happiness and health for all who follow?
 I love this verse in 1st Chronicles that describes leadership from the tribe of Issachar:
"These are the numbers of the men armed for battle who came to David at Hebron to turn Saul’s kingdom over to him, as the LORD had said......from Issachar, men who understood the times and knew what Israel should do—200 chiefs, with all their relatives under their command." 1 Chronicles 12:23 and 32

So they understood the time and knew what Israel should do. The question is "how do you get Israel, or my family, or co-workers to do it?"

A great leader will likely have some of these qualities:

Curiosity
Playful
A Sense of Humor
Allows mistakes
Maintains an environment free from gossip

I mention these qualities and not the hundred others that are just as needed because these qualities are naturally motivating allowing individuals to express initiative and grow in areas of their own interest. Allowing a person to become the person they were made to be.



For parents I think it is imperative that they recognize the decisions they make everyday are being absorbed by the little ones and not so little ones they are leading.

For girls - the emotional style of the family is being absorbed everyday and eventually will be the family legacy they pass to the next generation.

For boys - the integrity  and character of the family is being absorbed everyday and eventually will be the family legacy they pass to the next generation.

Another interesting theory I have heard is that we parent like the opposite sex parent in our life. So women parent like they have seen their Dad's parent, and men parent like they have seen their Mom's parent. Interesting theory - that I think has some validity to it. However we always have free-will and are able to change our parenting styles as well. 

This was fun exploring today - I look forward to additional insights on this topic anyone is willing to share.



 Here is a fun leadership quiz that has three styles of leadership
1. Authoratative
2. Participatory

3. Delagative
( I am a participatory leader)


Here is a leadership quiz from a Christian perspective with the following leadership styles:
1.Pioneering
2.Strategic
3.Management
4.Team (also servant leadership)
5. Encouraging 
(I am a strategic leader).

Here is another quiz that I found to be pretty realistic in its description of my abilities.

The Emotional Center

When I married my husband, I became the emotional center of this couple. I have learned to carefully approach issues that may have unresolved emotional responses on my part because a little irritation on my part is usually met with a stronger negative emotional response than I initially provided. I read a story the other day about a woman who struggled to become pregnant with her second child. Knowing that nothing was wrong with her body and that it would just take time to become pregnant did not reduce the sadness she felt each month when her dream was not realized. As the mother of a son and as a wife she mentioned about how careful she had to be in managing her sadness. The men in her life relied on her so strongly to help balance their emotions that sadness in her resulted in sadness in her young son and in her husband. Her story touched me because I face my own challenges in managing my emotions and "our" emotions because my hubby turns to me first when he is emotionally overloaded seeking relief and guidance on how to direct them without harming others.

Before I came into the story though there was a another person who was my husband's emotional center, his Mother. Some wives require complete and total devotion from their husbands to the exclusion of all other women in their husband's family. That woman is not me. Ironically though, I have a husband who is devoted to me to the point of excluding all other women from his life, if I were to ask that of him. Having this level of devotion from my husband though makes me more reflective in how I handle conflict. I promised myself before I married that my husband wouldn't have to fight my battles for me. Although I think I have a warrior at my side who would "throw down" for me should I require it. Ultimately though, I see that there is not enough of me to meet all of the emotional, spiritual and relational needs of my husband, and letting others meet his/our needs is an opportunity to experience nurturing. Besides even I know that no one can cook like my Mom - so too my husband has great memories with his Mom.

Occasionally though I hear the story of the Mother that requires complete and total devotion from their sons, to the exclusion of their wives and children, if the Mother asks that of him. What a quandary to place a son! To express devotion to their wife and child(ren) at the potential loss of a nurturing parental figure, requires confidence that his wife can meet all of his needs. That's a pretty heavy burden for a wife, and sometimes wives aren't meeting a husband's needs the way he wants.  I think that is often why a man does just enough boundary setting with his Mom to keep the wife from complaining too loudly, without losing the opportunity to still have some of his emotional needs met by his Mom.   To express devotion to his Mom at the potential loss of a close relationship with his wife I think shows an attempt to have unmet childhood needs met. It would be like setting up a relational test and often in those situations a Mom succeeds just enough for the adult son to think "if I try again, she will really meet my needs this time." This sets up tension in the relationship between the wife and the mother. Unsure of who is meeting the son/husbands needs creates the opportunity for competition, potentially seen as competition for the son's heart.

What a Mother needs to keep in mind - even if it looks like you have your son's heart, you really don't. What is probably happening is that your son keeps you distant until he can no longer avoid interaction - then he reverts into the childhood role he played until he can create emotional distance again.

What you can do? Observe your interactions with him: are they emotional (negative or positive)? Demanding(I have information I will share only if you call me)? Intense? Lengthy (over five minutes)?

If you find that your interactions are emotional, demanding and/or lengthy change that - find ways to affirm and celebrate your son in short (I cannot emphasize this enough)...short cards, notes, emails and phone calls. By short I mean under five minutes on the phone or a note with a couple of sentences. Keep it short!!! However often is okay (by often I mean weekly or several days between contact), obsessive is not (by obsessive I mean daily or more often). And if he initiates contact more often then what I described.....Enjoy!!

Photo Source: Unknown

That's not what I remember....

I love a good story. I love telling stories. I think that is part of why I like working with people. I have some fabulous stories that I wouldn't have had if I never would have met some of the interesting people who have crossed my path. Unfortunately they are confidential and I am ethically unable to share them. I feel blessed though, as a nobody from rural USA, to have met such wonderfully interesting people.

Sitting in class tonight my sister and I were talking about the stories that a person (hypothetical) shares and how two people who lived through the same experience have a vastly different perspective on what happened. To the point where one, or both, believe that an apology, perhaps even an apology ritual, is needed to show that one person, or both, is contrite and the relationship may continue. I also notice how very rarely that occurs.

I watch the families I work with emotionally cut-off, then come back together, then cut-off again, then a major crisis occurs, and the family unites again. The previous conflict still a part of the relationship, but little resolution.  Additional stressors continue to wreak havoc on the relationship as fear of repeating the emotional cut-off creates a dam in communication, until the person who is not allowed to speak freely finally breaks under the emotional stress, and freely speaks their mind, the resulting emotional cut-off a relief , rather than handle daily the fears that the emotional cut-off might occur. I have also seen very rigid separation. So-and-so won't see my kids until there is an apology. Then children are raised completely unaware of the family they have who might want to be a part of their lives.

For families that have some ability to function - once again I find it very rare that the apology occurs, but slowly the family story changes. Its like watching an ice glacier melt. One day a person is relational poison. 2 years later, 4 years later, 6 years later, 10 years later, 30 years later, the story is "we loved him/her from the beginning." I have also seen a family whose relationships appeared functional and close become cut-off, and the stories told that there was always disrespect in the relationship, never any love or affection. Sometimes perspectives are so different when the stories are shared, other people present drop their jaws at how ridiculous the story has become. Why such a discrepancy? I don't think I understood this until a couple of years into my marriage.

I wanted the fairy tale marriage - we would always be happy, successful and financially solvent and have beautiful children. A great story! A story no one could top!  I never realized that my Prince Charming could also disappoint me. 2 years in I thought we were at the bottom emotionally, financially, spiritually, and in our relationship. It could only go up from here right? At our very weakest, my husband disappointed me in a very painful manner. I questioned everything we had together or might ever have together. My husband with whom I  shared a close, emotionally gratifying relationship, and  considered my best friend, hurt me quite deeply. I had never felt such anguish (and I thought I was an expert in painful close relationships). The residual anger I felt lasted for months. I would have moments that I thought my anger was processed, forgiveness given, and our relationship growing closer. Then a thought, or a comment out-of-the-blue would occur, and my anger felt as fresh as the day it happened. My husband is quite conscientious and I am sure he apologized for what happened, especially with as angry as I was. However, I have no recollection of whether he actually apologized or not. It doesn't really matter though, because.....

Another two years later and I can say this is what happened to help resolve it in our relationship. I looked at it as the moment that we would truly learn to work together. We are on the same team!! When I told this story and how it impacted our relationship, the story  would not be our lowest moment, it would be the beginning of a story about our greatest triumph together. Two years later, I honestly see it as our greatest triumph, with more depth and richness and thankfulness than I even knew to ask for! What if that person isn't safe? From my experience the ones you love the most are often the least safe. Most situations aren't like mine where you have to trust completely again. Continued boundaries are likely necessary - but there are ways to include even questionably trustworthy people in your life's story in a meaningful manner.

Be careful the stories you tell about other people, for they will become the reality of how you see the other person. Those stories may make a hero out of a villain, and a villain out of a hero. Look for the moments that shine! Look for the memories that make you smile! Look for the stories that bring joy to your heart and are worth all the pain!

Who am I? Who are you?

Five Sullivan Brothers

Something I just recently noticed, is that families tend to have specific strengths, and specific weaknesses. Not a surprise I know. I am particularly interested though, in how strengths are managed. When one sibling fails to launch, falls into poverty, develops an addiction, or illness, families tend to fall into specific roles that allow a family to just plain survive.  However, when a sibling set grows, passes through adolescence and successfully launches, very often that identity is consistent across the group. Strengths are similar, areas of interest tend to be similar, relational interactions are similar, and siblings spouses tend to have aspects of familiarity to them. Success is a process that needs to be monitored, perhaps even more closely. Failure can draw a family together. Success is what can push them apart.

Here are my thoughts on why I think that success is more likely to push a family apart:


1. A fight for resources - in order to be a success it requires the presence of resources. In particular relational, and financial resources.

2. Childhood roles are continued in adulthood - falling into childhood roles of oldest, youngest and everyone in between, doesn't allow for everyone to interact as the adults they are.

3.  Jealousy - if a sibling is successful in a certain area it can create opportunities for competition to arise. It can also be harder for an older sibling watch a younger sibling appear to be more successful.


4.Family Belonging is threatened - if a family operates on a performance basis then watching a sibling succeed can feel threatening, especially if it seems that there won't be a place for each person to continue to belong in the family.

5. Sharing the limelight - getting attention is addictive. Once someone appreciates something that you have done, the drive to continue to receive that appreciation can be a driving force that excludes relationships that might threaten that appreciation.

I am aware of only one anti-dote to the addiction of success.....Teamwork.

Teamwork allows for each person to have a place. Each person (sibling) has the opportunity to contribute to the continuing success of the family. I have gone in depth on the topic of teamwork on this blog. Teamwork allows creates the opportunity to be more successful, touch more individual's lives, and make a difference, than working on your own. Teamwork also creates opportunities to learn. Perhaps one area is a particular strength for one person, that means there are other areas that are needed, and adjustments can be made as each person specializes in their area of strength.

If teamwork isn't an option then you will probably notice there needs to be more space and decreased contact in order for the family relationships to accommodate the similar identities. This isn't a failure. I would however encourage a family to be proactive about providing space in the family in order to preserve and protect family relationships. Because in my experience either member's of the family submerge their abilities and identity in order to maintain peace in the family, or significant conflict can occur causing even greater pain.

Self-Sabotage

 Oh Self-Sabotage you are my enemy. When I self-sabotage, I realize something in my life is out of balance, and yes,  it is generally in the area of marriage vs. family of origin. Then I usually go see a counselor when I do because of a very upset hubby. Last year going to see a counselor (because I had a very angry hubby) helped me to identify the triggers both physical and emotional that were the catalyst for sabotaging my marriage. I realized then self-sabotage is a major problem that is difficult to see, unless another person in your life is able to share the problem, and the person self-sabotaging cares enough about the other person to change.

The self-sabotage I am talking about is when I see a person, either close to me or not, on the road to success in a career or a ministry, or a relationship, and several months later that individual's life is in disarray, and possibly at risk of losing everything. Then there is the person who seems like they never get past the starting gate. Starting over again and again, never making progress in a career, a relationship or a ministry.  Its not something that is rare either. I have watched this happen over and over and over again. Listening on the radio the other day I was reminded of Stephen Covey's comments about "beginning with the end in mind". If you ask me, and I am sure you are, it is the most overlooked concept at the beginning of a project. A question "What will success look like?" can allow for more creativity during the process. I realize though, that requires a lot of maturity. So it led me to to a conclusion -  being successful does not match the internal identity of the individual because of two reasons
A. being unable to create meaning out of an intense trauma that has occurred in their life
B. a person is not mature enough to handle that level of success (and set up obstacles that prevent success from happening). For example, it will only be a success if only my ideas are used, and only if I have all of the credit for the completed project.
The emotional maturity required to be successful includes developing selflessness, managing one's own emotional responses (being emotionally volatile will surely destroy your relationships), delaying gratification, and developing your own identity.

I am really proud of my hubby, (a recovering self-sabotager as well) working slowly and steadily to make his dreams come true. Last year at this time my hubby's dream of starting a local Film Guild was just in the beginning stages. At the end of this year the group has completed two, yes two, collaborative projects. I have seen my husband contribute in the areas of his strengths to the group, and I have seen him contribute in areas that he is weaker, eager to learn from someone who is more talented, more knowledgeable or more experienced.

So as two recovering self-sabotagers work together to make their dreams come true, we have discovered that when we work together, we can achieve great things.In fact when progress is slow, but the progress is steady, it allows us time to integrate the small successes into our personal view's of ourselves, our spouse, and our marriage. That is how we set ourselves up for success.





Barbara Bowes on her website talks about self-sabotage seen in the workplace. I recommend it for an insightful view of how it can effect one's career.

Here are the rest of the 7 Habits below:

Stephen Covey - the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

1. Be Proactive
2. Begin with the end in mind
3. Put first things first (personal priorities)
4. Think win-win
5. Seek first to understand, then be understood
6. Synergize (two heads are better than one)
7.Sharpen the saw (care for your physical, spiritual, emotional needs)



Here are some other links on self-sabotage. 

http://www.entrepreneur.com/management/managementcolumnistscotthalford/article201738.html

http://www.iloveulove.com/psychology/selfsabotage.htm

Creating a Team Environment

I try to leave more time between blog posts - just because it seems awfully presumptuous of me to write another blog so soon and expect someone to read it. However, I have a big project due for school in the next 14 days, and all my brain waves will be focused on creating the completed outcome I desire. All of these thoughts I have going through my mind about teamwork will dissolve, and I will think back on it saying to myself "now what were those thoughts I had about teamwork?"  So this is my attempt to jot them down in a way that might be helpful.


When I think of teamwork there are of course the images of team sports that come to mind like football and soccer and basketball and hockey. The team there is essential in scoring points and winning a game. However, I have noticed that teams will spend an awful lot of money in order to secure one or two amazingly talented players that will help carry the team to victory. I realized that when I think of relational teamwork it is far more complex then someone coming up with a plan, and a group of people executing the plan. Relational teamwork is far more dynamic, full of more possibilities and the satisfaction of creating something beautiful together filling the individuals involved with a greater depth of understanding of other people. The gratification sublime and the motivation to try something else"impossible" almost impossible itself to resist.

The image that came to mind then were those of Trapeze Artists. A group of highly trained, creative, motivated and physically and emotionally strong individuals. Why emotionally strong? Because I, personally, have never been able to overcome my fear of heights long enough to swing from a barn rope, let alone swing through the air at that high an altitude. The other part of that resonated so strongly with me is that while they have trainers and coaches and choreographers that make sure they are emotionally and physically prepared with an entertaining routine, if you have ever watched a routine the coaches are pacing the sidelines hoping they pull of the routine. No one is there yelling "Ok, you need to let go. Let your partner grab your hands and let go of the bar you are holding onto." Directions that precise would completely interfere with the relationship between the Trapeze Artists and most likely cause a grave injury. I find it interesting how often a "team" is described as a group of people completing tasks for another person. I find it amusing when it is a group of highly educated, professional individuals who are regulated to following the directions of another person. A complete waste of resources.  

My description of teamwork then is a creative process involving the thoughts, comments and ideas of each person on the team. If a Trapeze Artist is unable to complete part of the routine they won't force the person to complete it because it will put the entire team at risk. Instead adjustments can be made that might include that individuals strengths. There by also keeping the rest of their team safe as well. It also involves trust. Can you imagine letting go of a bar high in the air to be caught by another member of the team precisely when you need to be caught? The only way that is going to happen is if there is trust between the team members.

Here are my steps to teamwork:

1. Communicate the beginning and end points - share with the team where you see it currently and where you would like be be at the end of the process. The process in the middle is just that the process. As long as you get to the desired outcome (in a legal, ethical, moral manner) the details do not need to be micro-managed.
2. Identify the strengths of other people in the team and ask how they see themselves best involved. Offer suggestions. I always do - sharing my observations of another person's strengths and then suggesting how those strengths could benefit the team. It starts the "idea ball" rolling.
3. Allow the other person (s) to develop their own idea - it's one less thing for me to have to worry about.
4. Change the plan - when the ideas start flowing, the plans start changing. Because I have one perspective - the additional  insights consistently make a plan better.
5. Trust your teammates - when something in the plans change its not personal. It often involves logistics, or not being a perfect fit with someone's strengths. Unless you want to end up with all the work - take a deep breath. Remember its the goal at the end that is the focus of the team.


I think that teamwork is a beautiful thing to watch. In my mind its similar to watching "Trapeze Artistis" I am sometimes terrified, sometimes amazed at how they managed to pull off a set of tricks, and always inspired. Because a group of people creative, committed and motivated to reaching a goal can accomplish just about anything.

We are on the same team...

I am celebrating a wedding anniversary this week! Its been both a long four years when I look at what we have gone through. Its also been a fast four years when I look at all we have accomplished. Which leads me to the reason why I think that even with all the junk we have had to deal with the reason we have made it through, still in love, still liking each other and still enjoying each other is....teamwork! We had what looked like an insurmountable mountain of debt to deal with, and so many needs of our own. Yet, we did the hard work and paid off what was owed. What I owed. What my husband owed. Because when we married his debts became my debts, and my debts became his debts.

The biggest challenges to working together had to do with the fact that I tend to be quite flexible and easy-going about life, and my  hubby tends to be less flexible, and more intense about life. So our greatest conflict came from agreeing to a plan of action, working the plan and then hanging on long enough to celebrate the win together. I didn't realize at the time overwhelmed, hurting and desperate as I was to see the end of that journey, how it was setting the foundation of how my husband and I handle other crisis that come along during our marriage. I see now that we have another long journey ahead of us involving lots of homework, lots of time away from each other, and lots of money.  I have seen again how teamwork is guiding us along the journey. What does teamwork look like at our household?

I feel obligated to start with the fact that teamwork isn't one person telling other people what to do and expecting them to do it. That would be more of an employer/employee relationship, and not the most effective kind of relationship for accomplishing anything great. The bare minimum, absolutely. Above and beyond, probably won't happen because they can't get beyond the power struggles brought on by treating someone as though their only use is to serve another. 

In teamwork though, both of us as a part of the team have a say. Often it will come down to the other spouse having the ability to say "yes" or "no" to an idea, project, or activity, especially those involving money. We talked about graduate school for a couple of weeks before I completed the application, wanting to make sure we had thought it through before committing to that level of sacrifice both financial and relational.

It requires work on both of our parts - I may be in school, so that means making meals, shopping and paying bills have to be picked up by the hubby. Everyone negotiates the chores/jobs to run a house differently, but one person can't realistically do everything, and attempting to do so overworks one partner and prevents the other partner from investing in the household.

Both of us are invested in the outcome. When I have a major accomplishment, it is a reflection of the work both of us put into the process. One of the few thoughts I remember from our wedding service is that in marriage "joys are multiplied, and sorrows divided."

I have also been fortunate enough to have worked in a couple of business environments where team-work was a priority. There was less focus on what "I" could do to advance myself and more on the "we" of accomplishing great things together. And if I do say so myself, we were good. No, we were AMAZING!!  Like all good things it didn't last forever, but I have used some of the tools of teamwork I learned with those wonderful people over and over again. Each time I find the same result - when creative, capable, committed adults work together with positive and constructive feedback flowing back and forth, we are almost unstoppable. Why? Because we rely on the strengths of each person to carry the rest of the group forward, and are able to compensate for the natural weaknesses of others. Teamwork is a beautiful thing! This brings me back full circle to my hubby and I. My strengths often are able to cover the areas of weaknesses of my husband making him a more complete person. The same is true of when my husband uses his areas of strength to cover for my areas of weakness,  I become a more complete person. In fact, being on the same team as my hubby is probably one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Seasons...

I enjoy being in school again. I love the intellectual stimulation, even if it comes from having to figure out my own beliefs based on the topic at hand. As a child I was taught that taking an authority figures opinion as my own was poor use of my brain. Being in school though has also challenged some of my own assumptions.  Such as, "what is broken, may be made new again," especially in terms of relationships. As I began the process of school and learning to become a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have realized, all that is broken, does not need to be made new again. There is a lot of freedom in that thought. Some relationships are just meant for a "season" of life. Not all are meant to be long-term and on-going. This is a significant area of increased flexibility for me.  As you take those relationships to God in prayer, like I will be doing as well, look for the ways that you have to resolve the pasts hurts, insults, or unrealistic expectations. It may include a final conversation, email or letter with the person you were hoping to resolve things with, identifying the areas unresolved, and then move forward in faith. It also may be that everything that can be said, was already said.  The "season" of life that the other person joined with you, will be used, like all things in our lives for God's Glory, as long as we believe and allow Him to lead. Not all relationships are maintainable on this earth. Some are meant just for a season... 

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Seeking....

I think that through out life we are all seeking.  Seeking  safety, seeking love and affection, and seeking a place where we know we belong. Maslow's Hierarchy of needs for the longest time best described, in my humble opinion, the process that we participate in through life. Sometimes I feel safe, sometimes, I feel loved, and in fact during the first part of my twenties, I mostly just wanted to make sure that my basic needs were met. However I think that there has be an interesting change to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. An Arizona State University Social Psychology Professor, Douglas Kenrick,  just recently published a paper revising Maslow's hierarchy of needs. From the image, I think they chose to view it from the point of view of evolution, but I think that it can also be looked at from the point of view of being made in the image of God.

http://asunews.asu.edu/20100819_maslowspyramid

Here is why: I have heard from friends over and over again after the birth of a baby, that understanding God and His gift of salvation becomes much clearer. The sacrifice, the love of humanity that must be involved, and how painful an experience it is to see a child suffer. In fact I always think of the story of Enoch "Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away". Genesis 5:24

A devotional piece written by Ellen. G. White describes this far better than I. 

"But after the birth of his first son Enoch reached a higher experience; he was drawn into a closer relationship with God. He realized more fully his own obligations and responsibility as a son of God. And as he saw the child's love for its father, its simple trust in his protection; as he felt the deep, yearning tenderness of his own heart for that first-born son, he learned a precious lesson of the wonderful love of God to men in the gift of His Son and the confidence which the children of God may repose in their heavenly Father." Ellen G. White.

 As I work with children every day, and I observe the developmental process, I see little tiny people, driven to develop. And in their social-emotional development, they are driven to be like Mom and Dad, the two people in the world that they adore. In our spiritual development, I believe that we are driven to be like our Creator. That is why for those who long for marriage, and long for a family, I think it is a God given longing. Because it is part of the process of how we become more like Him.

Why we are, the way we are

This song has been running through my head these last 24 hours - as I think about the reasons the HomePage is in existence, and why we are the way we are...


I'm so glad I'm a part of the Family of God,
I've been washed in the fountain, cleansed by His Blood!
Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod,
For I'm part of the family,
The Family of God

When I think back now, many years, and where it all began, we continue to see the prints left by those who have worshiped with us through the years. Because those experiences are a part of our story, they make our experiences sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet, and always left at the throne of God. It all comes down to the fact that near or far, we are part of the family of God. Watching a relationship restored is inspiring - realizing what was lost is found again, and deeper joy is found allowing another into our lives again. For that reason alone I have often prayed Joel 2:25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten." And God does, repeatedly, bless us with renewed relationships that are more fulfilling and gratifying then the years the "locusts" took.

It's terribly exciting as well to see the young people in our midst starting to ask questions, as they begin their journey of faith, both in an abstract sense of biblical study, prayer and reflection, and in a concrete sense experiencing worship, in a setting of family and faith. And starting to take ownership of the worship service as well, in a few years I anticipate that in my ripe old thirties I will likely retire as part of the regular worship leadership. There are young people growing in faith, preparing to take leadership, and own their worship experience. So we are also a part of the growing family of God. What a blessing!! And my dearest, most fervent hope is that there won't ever be any doubt if they belong to the family of God, because from their newest moments, when they joined worship with us, they will have experienced how much they are loved and wanted by a church family. With each little person, growing young adult, and grown-up with "you in our family, happy, happy HomePage."

Part of the experience is realizing that being a part of us every week isn't for everyone. That is ok. If there is a place where your emotional needs for connection, and spiritual growth are met, that is where you are meant to be. We are a family, the family of God. In some relationships, we literally are family. Imagine for a moment you experience the holiday season (Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas with extended family) every week at church, and you get an idea of how difficult it can be to worship together. Often imperfect in our interactions with each other, but through the lessons of worshiping together, and ministering together, we are also growing together.


Family of God
I'm so glad I'm a part of the Family of God,
I've been washed in the fountain, cleansed by His Blood!
Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod,
For I'm part of the family,
The Family of God

You will notice we say "brother and sister" 'round here,
It's because we're a family and these are so near;
When one has a heartache, we all share the tears,
And rejoice in each victory in this family so dear.

I'm so glad I'm a part of the Family of God, I've been washed in the fountain, cleansed by His Blood! Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod, For I'm part of the family, The Family of God

From the door of an orphanage to the house of the King,
No longer an outcast, a new song I sing;
From rags unto riches, from the weak to the strong,
I'm not worthy to be here, but PRAISE GOD! I belong!

I'm so glad I'm a part of the Family of God, I've been washed in the fountain, cleansed by His Blood! Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod, For I'm part of the family, The Family of God

Filled with Good Things

Making sure that I am choosing healthy foods, and drinking lots of fluids (water), keeps me occupied lately... As well as school, work, family, and being married. I realized the other day though, that just as I need to make sure that I am filling up on good things to eat, I need to make sure that how I interact with others in my life needs to be focused on good things as well. It really was a light bulb moment for me. For so long, I have thought that what another person brings into the relationship,  low emotional resources, low self-esteem, or low confidence, are their problem, and if they desire to change, then they will. Its not my responsibility.

Let me clarify... It's not my responsibility to change another person, that belongs to the Holy Spirit. It's not my responsibility to make another person seek help for a personal issue that is so blatantly obvious to me. :) It is my responsibility to make sure that what another person receives from me is a grace-filled, gentle, over-overwhelmingly positive..... blessing.  Ellen G. White talks about speaking in blessings in her book "Thoughts from the Mount of Blessings." The beatitudes in fact are the language of heaven, and blessings pour out of its residents, like one speaks a native language.

Looking at past clients with whom I have worked with new vision, I realized that some of them have no one who will bless them with anything as small (but can mean more than anything) kind words, and hugs, and hope for their future. If they have nothing kind, gentle or thoughtful in their hearts and minds from past experience, then me telling them about using kind words, or communicating affection, or finding something caring to do for another is like having a visitor in my house who only speaks Greek. We won't communicate. Instead, providing the experience of kindness, gentleness and thoughtfulness, and then drawing on the times in our relationship where those things have been experienced, may provide a catalyst for change. 

My Problem with Evangelism

This is meant to be a companion piece to the following blog:
http://spheresofgrace.blogspot.com/2010/05/broken-hearts.html

In the Adventist church, there is a pattern of using large evangelistic meetings in order to win people to Christ and the Adventist church. Its a style of evangelism that began in the early to mid 20th century, and the Adventist church has not changed the style of large outreach programs since then. Here is my main issue with this style of evangelism - in a matter of months an individual, couple or family, is expected to change their belief system, and take on the doctrines of the Adventist church. Having been raised an Adventist, this isn't an issue for me, because I am already familiar. However, this is a significant issue for people in my community, especially a state like Iowa where families are often connected emotionally, through their shared spiritual identity. If ven one individual, couple or family changing their belief system, it will change the way a family interacts, especially since Adventism changes the way one even organizes their week. This change can have a huge impact on an extended family system, including causing harm to the family system.

I realize that when the spiritual conviction overwhelms a person, that in order to follow his will completely, it may come at a cost. Luke 12:51 says "Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, but division."  I, however, am completely at peace with leaving that kind of conviction, that will change an entire family system, to the Holy Spirit.  For me, once again I "believe it will take a generation of caring (individually and as a church body) about an individual, their accomplishments and their relationships, before they will consider taking the steps of belief, and establishing a relationship with Christ", and someday it might also include being a part of the Seventh Day Adventist Church.

Touched

There is a term sometimes that is used when emotional overload has occurred due to a thoughtful, meaningful, caring action or comment made by another person... When saying "thank you" just doesn't seem enough, "I am touched," creates the visual image of how meaningful an action meant.  Our skin is the largest organ of our bodies, providing protection from infection, and providing neural input to the brain constantly. In fact in infants,  taste and smell are their primary way of seeking out the familiar in their environment. But touch, is the way that infants learn at first, who is the one who loves me, cares for me, means "the world" to me.  In the 1950s Dr Ashley Montagu observed "the death rate of infants under one year of age in Institutions for Abandoned children was nearly 100%." (Attached at the Heart, Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker).  Even  if basic needs such as feeding and diapering occur, if that is the only touch an infant receives, in is not enough to live on.

This is what I think is sad though, the most touch a person receives is often in infancy and toddler hood. That means that the likelihood of being physically touched in a gentle, nurturing, loving way significantly decreases as child grows, but the need for touch does not decrease. Touch continues to benefit a child's physiological well being, showing decreased symptoms in children who have "asthma, autism, cancer, diabetes, depression, and attention disorders." (The Connected Child, Karen Purvis, Ph.D, David r. Cross Ph.D and Wendy Lyons Sunshine). Studies of Attachment Theory have shown the children need at least 11 touches a day, but 100 touches are even better. Even in therapeutic treatment, hugs are necessary for emotional growth and enjoyment in life “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” (Virgina Satir). Observation of abused and abanoned children has shown a type of skin hunger, where children "scheme to get touch even though is in the form of more abuse" (Donald M. Joy Ph.D).

Now I am not advocating that you go out and touch everyone you meet. I am advocating for increased gentle, nurturing touch of the people who mean the most to you, your spouse in particular, and your children/grandchildren next. Touching will increase the quality of attachment in a relationship, and help protect the relationship during developmentally appropriate life changes, increased stress (job, finances), illness, and grief. Hugs, foot massages, back massages, kisses, pats on the back, squeezing their hand, and a stroke on the cheek, all provide the gentle touch needed. And most importantly, will bless the people in your life, that mean the most to you.

Daily Renewal

10 years ago when I was working on my undergraduate degree in psychology, I first came across the theory of attachment. From my studies then I mostly remember the "stranger incident" studies completed by Mary Ainsworth. I remember thinking "if I ever go into clinical psychology, I want to study attachment theory." Fast word 10 years, and it is amazing to see the changes that have occurred in the use of attachment theory. I am researching as much as I can - and it still doesn't seem to help me completely understand the complexity of the attachment. Here is the short version:

1.  I have learned that attachment is so powerful, it changes both parties - no matter who initiates the attachment. It is one of the only interactions I have encountered that is mutually beneficial, and creates mutual change in both individuals, and only one person has to initiate the change. This is powerful stuff!!

2. Attachment creates more attachment. It becomes a source of renewal everyday creating stronger, more gratifying relationships. (Gratifying = giving pleasure or satisfaction. www.dictionary.com)

3. Therefore it is important to engage in attachment behaviors with a specific group of people. Your spouse, your children, foster children, nieces and nephews, and your grandchildren (and further generations). Truly beyond that caution is necessary, and interactions with children outside the family need to promote/benefit/encourage the attachment of that child's primary care-givers.

Being Vulnerable.....accepting the gift of affection.

I have observed in families that I work with an emotional disconnect that I don't remember being so prevalent when I was younger. Yeah, families had problems, but it didn't seem that most made so few attempts to care and show affection for one another. I watch families I work with continue destructive interactions, slowly draining all trust and safety from their interactions, leaving each member emotionally burned and afraid to trust. Attempts to show affection re-buffed, in a manner to ensure the individual offering the affection feels some of the emotional pain the other is feeling. Shame then creates a barrier that becomes almost impenetrable.
I realize now that I have two advantages in my perception of safety and trust that most individuals don't.

1. I have a mother who has a natural knowledge of how to create attachment with her family. As a professional, I thought that I would refer more to other professionals and research in order to help families  I work with attach to each other within the family. Instead I find myself repeating things my Mom told me, because the research shows her methods were effective. Just a couple of things she did include bedtime prayers most nights, reading out loud together, and eye-sight supervision of my siblings and myself almost all the time. When we were teenagers Mom loosened her supervision based on the circumstances.  If we were close friends with another family, and all of us young adults brought out the best in each other, we were allowed to spend unsupervised time with them. The interesting thing, we were never quizzed on what we did. It just wasn't a concern.

2. No divorces occurred within my direct support system, and even in distant support systems during my childhood years. This is practically unheard of. In fact, I was a teenager before anyone I knew, and considered part of my support system, divorced.

The result is I have overwhelmingly positive thoughts and attitudes towards traditional marriage, parenting and family life. I know that if it isn't working now, then re-group, make some changes on how I interact with others, and try again. If that doesn't work, change something else, and try again. These experiences also help me encourage others. I know a positive, fulfilling, gratifying relationship is underneath the pain somewhere. I just don't know what it looks like yet.

The first step in changing a painful relationship I believe is offering and accepting affection. Overcoming the pain and shame that resulted in the relationship becoming conflicted is difficult, and to process through the painful memories together, you will need all of the positive memories possible.
It may look like a hand-picked bouquet of flowers, hugs and kisses, a pat on the back, reading together, a gift, sweet, positive nicknames, or sharing memories of good-times spent together. If you feel emotionally burned and fearful, this will be a scary experience. In that case, I strongly encourage seeking a professional counselor to talk to, because those emotions may be difficult to process and prevent a gratifying relationship from developing.

Picture by Jonathan Guerrero - Lucent Media Group.

Lovin' me some feedback

I love a good ole' honest conversation. Some of my closest and most valued friends, are those who rarely "sugar coat" what is happening around us, and say exactly what they are thinking. Why do I love a conversation that can sometimes be like a blast of cold air to my reality? Because I never have to guess if they are telling me the truth  Success or failure, I know where I stand.

When I first started my career, I had pretty thin skin and accepting feedback was a difficult thing to do. I remember saying to one Supervisor, after several different visits to my work area to provide me with feedback,  "What did I do now?" when he came over to talk to me. Yes, receiving feedback can be very discouraging.

As I have developed my career in working with people, I have discovered that I couldn't do my job well, unless I receive feedback. Sometimes people don't know how to tell me "no." Its too overwhelming  to actually use the word "no" and tell me they aren't interested, and some might agree to lots of services, they have no intention of following through on. Me in my zealous attempts to help, have had to learn to temper my statements with "what do you think?" and "Are you interested?" and "take some time to think about it, and I will get back to you.  Just let me know either way what you want." It saves time and energy on both sides to have the honest conversation of whether a family or individual actually want help. Often is the case as well, that a family or individual doesn't share when they are happy with assistance either.Asking questions and seeking feedback from the quieter, satisfied clients, helps me to know what I am doing that is helpful for their family/situation.

I have learned to seek out feedback... much like the use of Active Sonar on a submarine to navigate underwater, seeking out feedback can help navigate relationships. By using feedback, positive and negative, to adjust to the preferences of a family member, friend, or spouse, is showing that the other's opinion is valued. The best part about it (its a sickness, I know :) is that it helps me to see where my strengths are in my professional skills, interpersonal skills, and even personality, and also where my weaknesses are. Be wary of constant positive feedback ( you might appear unable to handle negative feedback) and also be wary of constant negative feedback ( this could be emotional, or spiritual abuse).

My Knapsack

I worship most weeks with a lot of individuals in my support system... in fact if you look at my trampoline of support... I have individuals from 3 of the 4 areas at worship every week (almost every week) 1. Immediate family. 2. Extended family 3. Friends. I am dependent on these individuals who support my spiritual growth. Having known and worshiped with some these individuals my entire life, and some their entire lives, maintaining a meaningful level of engagement with each other, without being too overwhelming, or too distant is challenging.
I can't begin to describe the challenges when as an extended family you worship together every week. Confusing roles of Christian Brothers and Sisters, which we all are in Christ, and sibling, parental, and other familial roles is something that has to be watched closely. My obligation as a Sister in Christ is far different than my obligation as sister, wife, and daughter/daughter in law. When I step in to the worship environment, I wear a different hat even in my personal relationships, then I do at any other point in the week. The importance of this balancing act is mentioned in "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse( by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen)". Spiritual abuse occurs when the focus on performance of the members drives the congregation, and grace, (i.e giving others choices, space and loving an individual no matter what), becomes less important. For family members where roles are more likely to be confused anyways, spiritual abuse may occur in the forms of neglect or enmeshment:

"Unbalanced interrelatedness – either under (neglect) or over (enmeshment) involvement in the lives of others. Everyone is responsible for everyone else, while ironically no one is responsible for himself or herself. "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse( by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen)".

As I establish a relationship that is healthy in a church environment with family members in attendance, I find Paula Rinehart's words to be the most insightful. "Love has space. In a close relationship, we have to recognize the part of the equation that uniquely belongs to the other person. It's their choice, their feelings, their responsibility, their painful past - that kind of thing. .... To resist the urge to fix someone I love takes buckets of restraint, especially when an insight crosses my mind I think they just can't live without. But to fix them, to offer advice or help not asked for, is to invade their territory - to infringe on this invisible sort of space(Strong Women, Soft Hearts)." I have my own opinions on spirituality, a Christian walk and Advent-ism. Keeping my opinions to myself,  futile at times...Especially if I would handle something differently.

Paula Rinehart goes on to explain this following section of scripture:
" Bear you one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ...... For every man shall bear his own burden.Galations 6:2,5" I have often felt that there is a burden that I carry - that no one else holds responsibility over. Even when friends have given me the best advice, and I follow it, the burden I carry is my own. Paula Rinehart describes it this way. "We are to share the extra heavy trials of life. Right in the same chapter, however, Paul makes a curious statement: 'each man must bear his own load.' That sounds contradictory until you realize the word for load means 'knapsack.' Each of us has a knapsack to carry through life that is uniquely our own....The choices that shape the way you see the picture (life, spirituality, etc) are uniquely yours (Strong Women, Soft Hearts Paula Rinehart)."
I love the idea of the knapsack.... In that knapsack are the decisions I have made or will make such as...maintaining my physical appearance and health,  my relationships, financial decisions, to go to school or not to go to school, and most importantly my spiritual decisions. If I have a knapsack, then that means that you have a knapsack, my hubby has a knapsack, my family have their knapsacks, and my friends carry their own knapsacks. Areas in their lives that are none of my business, and to invade those decisions with my opinion is dis-respectful, and vice versa.

Worshiping with family can be an incredible experience. I share a part of my life in a meaningful way with people I care about, alot. I also am able to watch my nieces and nephews, and other young adults grow in their faith, an unanticipated blessing  in my life. My desire is that friends and family members of mine, if they desire, would be able to worship with the people in their lives they hold most precious, their spouses, children, and extended family members. When I get to heaven, the people I will look for first, are the individuals who have made up my support system hear on earth. In fact, perhaps someday, even more of my extended family will worship with us, as we learn to get along  here on earth, in preparation of worshiping together in heaven. But I digress.... the challenge is how to maintain one's own beliefs Christian, Adventist, etc while participating in worship with a group of imperfect sinners. It's a conversation my husband and I have...How do we prepare our lives for children, and ensuring that we pass the torch of faith in a meaningful way, in spite of the actions of other's in our support system, especially when we disagree with their decisions? We have several options to choose from:
1. Ignore them - leave our children to learn their own lesson
2. Cut them Off - no relationship with our children if we don't see them as a good example
3.Or use other's decisions as teachable moments.Discuss what happened and our expectations as their parents.

Believe me we have discussed all three options.... however realistically we will go with number 3 and discuss what we want them to do. I could pretend that we could ignore a decision, but family members have a lot of influence over us. I could also pretend that cutting off adult family members until they behave the way I want is an option, but the ones who would hurt the most over that decision would be the children....So I plan to use stories to explain what I want, research when they are old enough, or sometimes that it is my emotional response and ultimately my preference to handle something a specific way. At least then I am giving my child(ren) an honest view of my spiritual walk and giving them honest feedback. I think the conversation about beliefs and choices is important because as children grow, and face adulthood, these conversations are going to happen. With friends, co-workers, classmates, professors and others, shaping their spiritual beliefs, challenging their decisions, and in the end, their spiritual decisions are their own. If I want to be a part of their  spiritual journey, I will need to be open to questions, and show my children lots and lots of love. Parents are able to provide two things for the child, which are invaluable on their spiritual journey,  the opportunity to ask questions of someone further along the spiritual journey, and unconditional love. What will draw your child  back to you time after time, even as adults, the knowledge that no matter their choices, their Mom and Dad will always love them.

Worshiping together, as family here on earth, and as brothers and sisters in Christ, is challenging, the kind of challenges only overcome by prayer,  holding your tongue, and lots more prayer. But it is also a joyful experience...the kind of joy described by the apostle John.

"Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers. For I rejoiced greatly, when the brothers came and testified of the truth that is in you, even as you walk in the truth. I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. III John 1:2-4" (emphasis mine).

Let your children, your spouse, your family members carry their own knapsack. Show them love and respect by allowing them space. That respect will provide more opportunities to share in their lives, perhaps even the opportunity to worship together... the experience of worshiping together as a family, priceless.

Anything worth doing...

You know how parents are.... they have these sayings that you hear over, and over, and over and over again, and they don't make any sense. One of the sayings I remember my Dad saying is the following "Anything worth doing, is worth doing...... poorly." "Ok, whatever Dad"...  As I inched closer towards being 18, 19, 20 and 21, I was continually horrified at how many mistakes I could make. Mistakes relationally, spiritually, financially,  professionally and in school. Like when I hit a growth spurt at 12 and 13 and when I went to give someone (whomever) a hug, I stepped on their feet.  I distinctly have about 5 memories from that time period of visiting guests, where I stepped on their feet when hugging them. Embarrassing!!

I fortunately joined a company, when I graduated college,  that for the time I worked for them, upper management had a specific view on mistakes. "ok, you made a mistake. What are you doing to fix it?" I learned a lot in an environment that allowed me to initiate solutions for mistakes I made.

Then I started working with families.... families in crisis.... families that did not have the relational skills to sustain each of those relationships internally much longer. I started talking with the families, learning about them, listening to their stories, and providing opportunities to connect with their partners, children, and siblings. As I watched them, I realized what Dad meant....In order for these families to become healthy and strong, they had to learn new skills, sometimes skills that were completely foreign. In the beginning, these skills were completed poorly or not at all. I learned that a feeling of accomplishment didn't necessarily come with every visit I made. Instead, I had to continue to change the method the families used to complete the skills to fit their personalities, abilities, and time together, and then observe them try again. I have had a couple of particular failures with families - their emotional, relational and support system resources so drained - I provided the person to blame when it fell apart. That stung!! I cared... I wanted them to succeed. It wasn't enough. Other families though, after a year, 18 months even,  of continual investment, and finding ways to support their family, small successes started to manifest. Once a success occurs, it becomes easier to build off of the previous success, and confidence grows. And before you know it a skill, such as "making sure to emotionally re-connect after an argument" is being used proficiently.

So when I start something new.... I have to use as a mantra "Its ok to make mistakes. I have to learn somehow," and "Anything worth doing well, is worth doing poorly."

"If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything. I'm positive that a doer makes mistakes."
John Wooden

What if no one catches you, when you fall?

Perhaps one of my biggest fears in life, is what if I go through a dark, lonely period of time in my life, and there was no one there to support me? I guess I would say, "don't fear it, prepare for it." I got this experience out of the way in my early twenties. A senior in college, I worked two jobs and attended school full time. Due to previous reasons, my parents were themselves struggling, and there were no extra resources to share. I remember sitting in my efficiency apartment (a very icky, scary place), looking at the money in my checkbook, and the bills that needed to be paid, and wondering what I was going to do? I still remember that moment.....utter despair washed over me. I felt sorry for myself, for the change in resources my family had experienced, and if I could have wished away the past 6 years, I think at that moment I would have. This story has a beautiful ending.

At that moment, I needed $30.00 to pay all of my bills for the month. When God answers prayers though, he doesn't just meet the immediate need. If He is allowed, He will also meet the long-term needs. Within 24 hours, I was able to sell a few items I didn't need, and came back with exactly the amount I needed to pay the bill. Within 7 days, I had a full-time job lined up to start after I graduated. From this job experience, I have met caring and thoughtful people, whose friendship and opinions I value to this day.  These last 8 years, I have spent building up my resources, but without a doubt the one thing I recognize has greater value than all the others, is having a support system. Someone(s) to lean on, in times of trouble. I went through another dark time last year, but having a solid support system, helped to lessen the emotional blow immensely. Spiritually, I would not have grown withouth these dark times. Recognizing that sometimes God takes away my heart's desire, without showing me what He will give me instead, has led to increased faith. My church family is incredible as well - allowing me to share my journey on a weekly basis, unsure of where I will end up, but supporting me none the less.

There is a song that I cried through several times as I surrendered my heart's desire to Him. It was profoundly difficult, but in the end I am glad I let it go. Because if I am willing, who catches me when I fall, when no one else will? He does.

Words and Music by Robin Mark.
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.

All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.

For it's only in Your will that I am free,
For it's only in Your will that I am free,
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.

Minding One's Own Business

Why is it important that within your support group, not all of your friends and associates, and family members know each other?

I have a couple of personal reasons...
1. Space - a chance to show my individual preferences in friendships, and work, school or interest related activities.
2. Freedom of expression - I have different roles in different relationships. I don't necessarily want my work and personal lives overlapping ( oh, wait they already do). I do like having some say in the information other people have about me though.

From the previous post there is an activity on identifying individuals in your support system. From that paper you have completed with the number of people identified in the following groups - total the number of people in your support system.

1. Family in the 1st Degree: Parents, Siblings, Children
2. Family in the 2nd Degree and farther: Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins 
3. Friends: Lifelong and current
4. Associates: work, church, clubs, recreation, school


What is your total? The number of people that you are able to share your life with in a meaningful way, both in a instrumental way, and in friendship or familial bonds that you enjoy participating. That number has a significant impact on your ability to maintain emotional stability every day.

"When a (support) system drops below a minimum number of people it tends to fall into one of two degrees of impoverishment:

1. The Neurotic System: People who are supported by as few as 10-12 people begin to show signs of depression and distortions in their world around them. Only about 30% know each other. In this system a person feels fragile and anxious.

2. The Psychotic System: When the support system drops as low as four or five people 100% of them know each other - because they are all focused on this "basket case" of a person who needs constant attention." (Bonding: Relationships in the Image of God. Donald Joy, Ph.D.)

The "neurotic individual" does not have the confidence to share his/her friends and family with others and therefore never feels really connected. It is usually the person who continually carries that wistful attitude about them - "I wish that I had more friends, people who really know me". Getting to know a person is expressed in some manner in the relationships around you. As C.S. Lewis describes in the four loves "in each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity ; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets" (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves).

The "psychotic individual" is where true mental illness plays out. I have actually been involved with a family where the only individuals available to support them, were "formal supports" due to services offered professionally to help maintain the integrity of the family. This is a heart-breaking situation to observe. The level of mental illness involved untreated is just astonishing. This kind of relationship though is ....exhausting, and can only be maintained in the short term, before someone exits the relationship and the hurting self involved will find another to take their place.

I have observed though another response, where personal responsibilities are intertwined with that of another person, or several other persons. This "relational enmeshment" is developed out of sorrow, and a fear of growing through the pain. There is always someone willing to rescue another in pain, and in a moment, the responsibility of managing one's own resources (spiritual, financial, relational, emotional) may transfer from self to other. In an episode of "Friends" Rachel becomes so discouraged with her choices in men, she allows Monica to make all of her choices about whom she will or won't date. This is the beginning of "enmeshment." By the end of the episode Rachel decides that she would rather make her own mistakes, then let someone make decisions for her. This is actually a step of maturity. One of the pitfalls of therapy is becoming more invested in an outcome than a client shows. That is a sign that responsibility for the problem has transferred from the person in crisis, to the Therapist, and enmeshing is occurring, over involvement in finding a solution is occurring on the part of the Therapist. A church is another place that boundaries may blur, out of initial compassion, but once responsibility has transferred from a hurting self to other, it can be an obsession on the part of other to fix the problem, no matter the consequences, or interest of the hurting self to cooperate in "fixing" the problem. One of the signs that toxic attitudes and beliefs exist in a church:
"Unbalanced interrelatedness – either under (neglect) or over (enmeshment) involvement in the lives of others. Everyone is responsible for everyone else, while ironically no one is responsible for himself or herself. The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.


It reminds me again of something C.S. Lewis wrote. Susan completely vexed by the way her younger sister Lucy is acting approaches the Professor (who is providing shelter and care for them until Susan and her three siblings may return safely to the care of their Mother), for help managing her "lies".

"But what are we to do?" said Susan.
"My dear young lady" said the Professor, "there is one plan which no one has yet suggested and which is well worth trying."
"What's that?" said Susan.
"We might all try minding our own business."

What does this mean? To maintain your own integrity, your own expression of who you are as an individual, make sure your own business (i.e: work, family, home, schoolwork) is completed before you worry about other's business.

Who will catch me when I fall?

Activity:

Dr E. Mansell Pattison (quoted in Bonding: Relationships in the image of God by Donald Joy Ph.D) completed research on "psycho-social kinship systems." To make it easier to understand, Dr Pattison is discussing an individual's support systems.  "Here is an amazing way to test the health of your present connections with other people", according to Dr Pattison.

Write in names of individuals that would need to be notified if you were involved in a life threatening accident. Include individuals from these four groups:
Family - 1st degree: parents, siblings, children
Family - 2nd degree or further: Aunts, Uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc
Friends - Lifelong Collection and present confidantes
Associates - work, clubs, recreation and church.


Now that you have written down your current support system - will these individuals help you "sustain your mutual sanity and well being:"


Do both of you have a high investment in the relationship?
Is there frequent face to face contact?
If you aren't able to have face-to-face contact are you in contact via phone, mail (I know 'old school'), text or facebook when you miss seeing each other for a few weeks?
Would you invest time and/or money in order to help them in a time of need?
Is this relational investment mutually reciprocal?
(Bonding: Relationships in the Image of God Donald Joy, Ph.D.)

It is important that your support network is connected to each other, but for various reasons it is healthy that not everyone in a support system know each other. The primary reason, is that your mental health will be much stronger, if at least 40% aren't connected to all the other individuals in your support system. I have also observed individuals who are supporting emotionally, relationally, or financially many other individuals, but don't have anyone to turn to when their own world is falling apart and that is only slightly improved from being all alone. Support systems have a natural rhythm to them, there is give and take, as caring shifts from one person to the next. Thinking that you have to be strong, and that no one else can do things right, will lead to an obsession with control. An obsession with control, will only lead to an emotional, mental, or physical breakdown, and that breakdown will likely damage your support system in the process.  Take some time to reflect on the people in your support system; God has brought them into your life for a reason, and vice versa. Through the process of learning more about creating healthy support systems, I am amazed at how important people are in helping me continue to be resilient, so that I may overcome life's challenges. How often it is, we don't even realize how much we need each other.