Love is.....

Today is our five year anniversary. I spent 25 years without my husband, and now after six years together, it seems like he has always been a part of my life. This year is our first year with our sweet son. Perhaps some would not consider this year quite as romantic as previous years, but then you haven't met my husband.

Apparently a traditional gift for the five year wedding anniversary is something made out of wood. The modern revised anniversary gift list is silverwareaccording to wikipedia. In our home this year it is something far more meaningful.

Almost two weeks ago, we welcomed our son into our little home. Labor was fast. Contractions started at 11:30pm on a Friday night at 1-3 minutes apart. This continued the rest of my labor and I started pushing about 7:45am in the morning. At 8:47am my son was born, a mere nine hours after labor had started. I was worn out, but thrilled that my little one was here. Then the excitement began. I had a major hemorrhage after delivery. I am so thankful for the quick acting medical team that provided the treatment I needed. I truly never felt in danger, although from eyewitness accounts it was a bit more dicey a situation than I was aware of. In fact an hour later I was up and moving around and felt fine. It was later that evening when the nursing staff was still talking about a possible blood transfusion when the gravity of the situation hit home. Then...that night I got three hours of sleep. I was still able to go home the next evening, simply because I requested to recover at home and no blood transfusion. Thank you Lord! There are only three ways though that I know to start recovering.
1. Drinking lots of water
2. Eating fresh fruits and vegetables (focusing on my iron intake).
3. Lots of sleep

I am blessed in that whenever I turn around someone is bringing me a re-filled water bottle of fresh water. In the same manner, I have had more veggies made in various forms for me and fresh fruit is always available. However, I don't know any new Mom who is getting sleep. This includes me. This is where my romance story starts this year.

After the 8-9pm feeding at night, I go to bed. My hubby stays up with our son, holding him, watching him sleep, soothing him, changing soiled diapers, talking to him whatever he can do to get me just a little more sleep. Sometimes, when I get up for another feeding, I realize that it is 2am or 3am in the morning, my hubby is still up with our son, and my hubby,has to work later that day. This might not seem like much, but as I piece together 8-10 hours of sleep, two to three hours at a time in a night this is huge, as it seems to be one of the only ways to help me recover enough energy to get through the day alone with the baby.

So this anniversary the gift from my hubby is the gift of sleep, and it is truly a gift of love.

What If?

My hubby and I recently participated in a small group regarding the topic of marriage. We read "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas and discussed different topics each week in the small group. One chapter just grabbed my attention. It's title "sacred struggle." Conflict exhausts me. So I have worked in my marriage to find ways to solve, resolve and manage conflict as best one can in a marriage relationship. I also have a tendency to internalize external conflict in the form of physical stress, so I literally have to limit my contact with people where there is constant tension for my own health. Conflict, tension, adversarial comments, disrespect, slander and vindictiveness when present in people I know, are managed in order to limit their impact on me. However, this chapter on "sacred struggle" taught me a lot about a deeper meaning in difficult, stressful and tension filled relationships. Here is a quote that is specifically regarding a difficult marriage that changed my paradigm regarding the meaning of conflict in relationships for me.

If we take our faith seriously and make our way through a difficult marriage in pursuit of witnessing God's reconciling love for a sinful world, then a difficult marriage becomes part of our exercise to prepare us for heaven...God never promises to remove all our trials this side of heaven - quite the contrary!- but He does promise that there is meaning in each one. Our character is being perfected, our faith is being built, our "heavenly reward" is being increased. (Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas).

As I was cleaning my house tonight, I reflected on this concept. I amused myself by realizing that my most difficult relationships do not directly include my marriage. I thought of how  unpleasant it is to deal with certain people who are constantly complaining, vindictive, inflexible and constantly creating tension around me. At the same time expressing gratitude for the pleasant, loving and enjoyable marriage I have. Then I had one of those moments of insight where it became very clear to me that this concept of God using a difficult marriage to refine my character is not limited to my marriage relationship. God is able to use any relationship that is difficult for me to manage and even maintain at times to refine my character.

This led me on a path of reflection regarding what I have learned from my most challenging personal relationships.

1. It's necessary to grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted with the individual
2. A lot of time will be spent holding your tongue, turning the other cheek, and walking away from comments that look to instigate a fight.
3. Accept the person where they are and the relationship for what it is
4. Learn what not to do in relationships, then apply that new understanding. I find myself much more thoughtful, considerate and appreciative of my countless other relationships where I experience emotional gratification.
5. My family always looks to find meaning in difficult times. It's part of our resilience. Finding meaning in a difficult relationship can make it more bearable on the days you want to give up.
6. Don't form alliances, force people to take sides for or against an individual or constantly complain, "vent" or otherwise make derogatory comments about another person in an attempt to form an alliance.

 Remember it is your character that is being refined. Trust God to do his perfect will in your life!

A cosmic do-over!

This week was full of emotional peaks and valleys. As I come to the finish line of this week and take a moment to reflect, I realize I am abundantly and overwhelmingly blessed. I say this even though I am far grumpier at the moment, then I can ever remember being or would ever want to be again. I blame it all on my quickly growing little one, affectionately of course. Over the last few months I have thought of my little one as "baby", an unknown individual, someone I will know in the future. Now I know this little one is my son! My son! I am still getting used to it. My heart literally melts whenever my hubby calls home during a break and wants to know how our son is doing. Such a little bit of knowledge has changed everything. I realize too not everyone gets a second chance like we are experiencing.

Years and years ago I remember listening to an episode of Dr. Laura on the radio. During a call she talked with a woman about the fact that we have two chances in life to have a parent/child relationship. First as a child with our own parents and second as the parents to our own children. I remember her suggesting to this woman that instead of trying so hard to fix her relationship with her mother, to focus on the relationship with her daughter, not to fix her past, but to give her daughter the best of her love, attention and devotion. This call has always stuck in the corner of my mind and occasionally I would ponder it. This week, this memory was brought to the forefront of my mind again. My husband and I get a do-over.

My husband for many years did not have his father in his life. The reasons are too many to discuss or to worry about at this point. Relationships are often so complicated, burdened by the issues of more then one generation and more than one family even. All that mattered in the middle of these complex relationships is my husband grew up without his father present. This week, each time I think about how blessed we are to have this second chance, I begin to cry. My husband gets to experience a parent/child relationship with his son. I am not saying we are going to fix the past. What's done is done. I am saying that I have a little boy who will know his father and I have a husband who will know his son. We are so blessed! ( and yes, I am crying again).

Come to me all who are weary....

 It was a bit of a jolt to my sensibilities when I joined the working world after I graduated college, when I discovered that I would at some point likely have to work Friday night or Saturday. I checked into the legal expectations to see if I could claim a form of religious exemption. As it turns out, there are certain places that do not have to allow changes in work schedules due to religious reasons. Companies that  \work with people who require 24 hour care or staffing, are one of those places. Then the first pager call, as a new supervisor, and no one would work. I had to cover the open hours. So a few times over the years,  I have been known to work sometime on Friday to Saturday in order to meet job expectations and to protect the physical, emotional and medical safety of those I cared for. At first I'll admit that I wondered what would happen to me spiritually if I worked on the day I was raised to hold as the Sabbath, a day set aside from work and other obligations and devoted to worship and fellowship with other believers. What happened? Absolutely nothing! Nothing spiritually, nothing emotionally, nothing in my every day life changed. Nothing special happened at all. I woke up the next day and went to work again. The monotony of my everyday experience at work didn't change either. Working 14 days straight is exhausting!  In an interesting twist of events, this experience early in my career actually solidified my belief in the Sabbath. I began to crave the Sabbath! A special day taken from my week devoted to developing relationships with those I treasure, and those who share in the desire to grow more like Him. No work obligations! No need to focus on furthering my career and advancing! A day when I can let the things of this world fade away for a moment and focus on the people I care about the most and the God I serve and love. Now the Sabbath is one of my favorite days of the week!

My inspiration from this blog came from the recent news regarding a spiritual leader in the Adventist church resigning his/her ministry position. I desire to speak my thoughts with grace and kindness and with respect to the difficult time this individual and their family and those who looked to him/her for leadership are going through. Having heard this individual speak on a couple of occasions, I found that I disagreed with the focus on, my interpretation here, performing perfectly as an Adventist. I willingly list what some may consider my discretion's here. I have had to work on the Sabbath. I have not been prepared for the Sabbath due to an exhausting week and had to go to the store and pick up food so we could eat. I have willingly helped out friends in need on the Sabbath, even if it involved work. I once went shopping, but felt so uncomfortable that I haven't gone out shopping again on the Sabbath. If I am not in imminent need of something, it can wait. I have made other decisions that visibly made my mother "gulp" before she shared that she supported my decision and whatever outcome, even though I know she disagreed with me. I am not a perfect Adventist! I know this! Listening to this spiritual leader in the Adventist church, solidified my realization that I am not perfect. However, this same spiritual leader also advised young men and women to forgo marriage and children to further Christ's ministry. Spouses and children were seen as burdens, distractions, and unnecessary in the quest for the kingdom of God. Honestly I cannot imagine a Sabbath without having beloved ones near me to celebrate the day. It may seem a silly issue to differ with someone on, but for me it was significant.

When the focus is on perfect performance, especially within a family, there is little room for expressions of grace. Attempts to control and create a perfect environment of perfectly expressed Adventism turns up the pressure on the relationships and emotional friction increases. Preferences on how to express the doctrines of Adventism, may become battles between spouses or parents and children with moral undertones and ultimately a beloved one's salvation is placed on the line. An emotionally devastating place to live. And a beloved one decides to cross the line and see what happens when they go outside the boundaries of Adventist beliefs. Discovering, like I did, nothing actually happens. Because their relationship is now likely laden with emotional baggage and neither party is quite sure what happened, confusion sets in. A person's salvation may literally be on the line, as a relationship with God may be non-existent, and the beloved one may not realize what the big deal is after all. In fact a long list of shouldn'ts now looks like one big lie, as it appears nothing at all happens after each doctrinal boundary held so dear by a spouse or parent is crossed.These requirements were heavy burdens, very heavy burdens, too heavy to humanly carry. Being free of those burdens feels good. I have no doubt! There are those too, like some of our spiritual leaders who have lived perfect Adventism, at least from what was observed by those around them. Never a flaw, never a struggle, never any confusion or a question about how others also need to live their lives. Those who I have observed try to carry these heavy burdens, of living perfect Adventism, often find themselves in a major crisis and lose all they have. Their families, their marriages, their children, their ministries. An even heavier burden to carry. All from carrying this burden, this image they have created of being a perfect Adventist. Not much room for grace.

This is why one of my favorite all time verses is Matthew 11:28-29

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

I imagine myself coming to Him and giving Him the burden of being perfect, the burden of appearing perfect to fellow Adventists, and the burden of my actual failures, my sins during the week. Even my imperfect way of being an Adventist. I feel Him exchange my burden for His burden. That I risk how I look to others and share my fears, my failures, my hopes and dreams. His request from me is that I be authentic and real with my struggles and my successes in my relationships. That I celebrate my relationships and allow grace in my interactions with my beloved ones and my fellow believers, when I agree with them and when I disagree, doctrinally, relationally or otherwise.. And....I must be willing to allow Him to create in me a clean heart. In His presence it is necessary to look at my temptations and confess my sins and allow Him to change me and make me more like Him. This is the only way I know to protect my beloved ones from my temptations to sin and allow grace to flourish in my life, in my relationships, and in my church.

Will you lose a battle ....to win the war for your child's, or your spouse's heart?

I am reminded of my own mother when I was about 10. I attempted to defy her wishes just once. The result of our interaction was quite painful for me physically and emotionally, and undeserved I might add, because I was a very easy going child and my mother would have needed to do very little to motivate me to please her. Instead I have a traumatic memory of that incident and a pervasive sense of distrust towards her which did not dissipate until my later teen years. The lack of compassion in that moment from my mother resulted in less of a connection with her.A decision I know today pains her and the consequences in our relationship were ones she did not want nor anticipated, but in that moment twenty years ago my defiance was all she could see. Sometimes even when it appears a battle will be lost, the compassionate and wise choice is to find a way to stay connected, even in the midst of defiance. Losing one battle to maintain the relationship, even if it appears the defiant child will win, in the end the parent will likely win the war regarding desired long-term behavior change in the child.

All of these thoughts came to mind tonight as I process the experience during our worship service at HomePage over the weekend. Each week the experience is different, the outpouring of weekly emotions, experiences and expectations overflowing into our worship service. It is no different at other churches. Just at most churches everyone is expected to conform to one way of interacting with each other. At the HomePage we have learned that the emotions, experiences and expectations come along with whether or not you "allow" them  to be expressed or not.  No doubt about somethings that happen are definitely quirky, definitely unique to our expression of worship. As I watched the group of people gathered together, with their loved ones surrounding them, I came to the conclusion we each make decisions each weekend.

Will I attend a church where I feel comfortable, but will likely worship without my beloved ones?

Or will I attend a church where I sometimes feel uncomfortable, but my beloved ones surround me as we worship together?

These questions are ones that Adventists have faced before. Previously the decision made is this: "I will feel comfortable" and the beloved ones leave the church, in droves, ending up in churches that have created an opportunity to belong, or out in the ambiguity of whether or not to even believe in God.

At the HomePage we are trying out the other side of the equation. What happens when I sometimes feel spiritually, emotionally, relationally uncomfortable, but my spiritual journey includes my beloved one(s)? My husband has told me that prior to meeting me and attending HomePage, he seriously questioned what his spiritual journey would look like five, ten years down the road. Now he insists that we attend church each week and that we will have a spiritual home to raise our child in our faith. Knowing that my spiritual journey includes my beloved ones makes the uncomfortable moments worth the personal growth that occur. And knowing that by choosing a relationship with my husband and my child, even when I may not agree with individual decisions they make means I win the battle for their hearts, makes those uncomfortable moments fade away from memory.

Insight Please!

           Dinner tonight with my hubby inspired some thoughts regarding individual behavior in relationships. Personal insight into choices individuals make seems strangely lacking to me. My hubby told me the story of an acquaintance of his who exhibits the same behavior (i.e self-righteousness) that he or she claims to abhor. Moments like that I wonder how come there is so little personal reflection. If I don't like how I am treated by others, why would I treat other people in a manner I am so profoundly upset by.

          I observe this behavior in personal relationships quite often. I have observed people I have worked with complain about the way they are treated by their family. Either controlled, ignored or somewhere completely confusing and infuriating in between. However, those individuals are so focused on the relationship that is irritating them and over which they have less influence or control, a power struggle in that relationship often ensues. Sometimes those power struggles last a lifetime and continue on through multiple generations. Yet these same adults engaged in a power struggle with senior members (parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles) or peer members (cousins, siblings, etc) of their family,  cannot see how they are creating the very same environment for their children. The only environment over which these adult children have the power to create is the one in their own home with young children, and the power to influence their older children. Needless energy is wasted on attempting to correct the past, when the future sits for a fleeting moment literally in their laps. If just a little of the energy that is directed at those who have hurt them, were instead focused on loving, caring and paying attention to their children, imagine the difference that could be made. Instead, I often see the children used as pawns, effective pawns, as grandparents kowtow to their adult children, having learned the lesson of relationships too late to influence their own children, and worried if they do not give in they will not have a relationship with their grandchildren. And the resentment builds. And 20 years from now, the parents will be grandparents, regretting relational decisions they made with both their parents and their children, only now their children will be in control of their relationship with their grandchildren. And the cycle continues.

           I am not without temptation in this area. My most recent trip to our counselor included my comment of "why can't other people have some insight into their actions." Our counselor told me "you only have a say in what you and (your hubby) decide to do." So true. The question is in my relationships will I choose to have insight regarding my behavior. My behavior, not anyone else's behavior. When I am in the midst of such inner searching my go to book is "Strong women, Soft hearts." I found in there the confrontational moment I needed and the area I needed to continually pray about. I found it in the chapter on "Losing Heart " :

 We live by inner statements that are born out of experienced pain, and these statements shape our lives more than we can possibly imagine. If the wound is great enough, or the experience happened early in our lives, these inner statements are much more akin to a vow.  No way, not while there is tea in China, will we get stuck in that experience again .That's the intensity associated
with a vow. It's like concrete that hardens around a wound, something calcified that only the love of Christ can soften and dissolve. (Rinehart, 2001, p. 56).

 Yeah, that sounds about right. I am looking at the vows I have made and praying about them. Yes, I have some pretty strong vows I have made.I haven't changed them or let go of them yet. Just being aware of them is challenging. Only, I don't like the person those vows tempt me to become. I also don't like the vulnerability letting go of those vows creates in my heart. I also have a lot of uncertainty as to what an environment without these vows will look like. So many questions this spiritual confrontation has created in my heart.  Will I be brave enough to explore the possibilities? Or will I turn back to and embrace my vows to protect myself? Will I choose to create the very means by which I could alienate my own children? I don't have the answer yet.

The Lord places the lonely in families- now what?

I love this verse in Psalms: :"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,

is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families." Psalms 68:5-6. It's such a beautiful concept. The images it brings to mind are of families happily spending time together, enjoying each others company, and participating in fun recreational activities. The idyllic family reunion at the park on a beautiful summer evening is what I see. It's kind of like imagining a wedding. The beauty, the elegance, the magic of a wedding day is impossible to match. Especially in the every day interactions, boring and monotonous I might add, interactions

of marriage. Family is a beautiful thing, just like a wedding is a magical experience! Family interactions, family health and a encouraging a family to grow together takes work, lots of work. Just like a marriage takes work.

If this is not an easy experience, why does God then find it so important to place orphans, widows and the lonely in families?  My only explanation is to help us learn how to get along with people we wouldn't otherwise choose to have a close relationship with. It is also the only social situation where you do not have a choice in who joins the group. Other people, siblings, children, etc choose their mates and bring them to the family for inclusion and acceptance. Refusing to accept the person's spouse only sours the relationship between the related family members. It's a fascinating dilemma. I may be just fine confronting a spouse of the related family member on issues that are concerning. However, I may not be willing to pay the relational price with the related family member. Its a difficult dilemma. The dance of intimacy then begins - too close with someone and you might lose your sense of identity, this is managed with distance. Too distant and a family starts to lose its cohesiveness, this is managed with increased intimacy.

There are also these weird unspoken things, like women are the gatekeepers of relationships. I didn't know that prior to getting married. If you have a step-parents, the wife may be the gatekeeper to your dad. In the in-law relationship, your mother-in-law will be the gatekeeper to the relationship with your father-in-law. With your brother, your sister-in-law will be the gatekeeper of the relationship. With your son, your daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper of the relationship. Aunts will be the gatekeeper to relationships with Uncles. This took all of my last 5 years of married life to figure out. Very helpful to know and understand.

This doesn't even begin to cover the areas of boundaries, levels of relationship, and even maintaining civil conversations. The complexity of the family relationship is limitless. I don't pretend to have an answer to creating a close, loving family. I don't have an answer for what to do when a member engages in destructive relational interactions. I do know that it is ALWAYS the children that pay the price for positive skills and for negative skills. Maybe the Lord will continue to provide me opportunities so that when I am 80 - this wisdom will be mine. I do know that within the family is where a legacy is created and passed on to the next generations. In a family is where grace, love and faith are learned at the knees of our parents and grandparents. In a family is where relational skills, for better or for ill are learned and integrated into our lives. I also know that belonging is such a tenuous feeling in extended families, that making sure that everyone is aware they belong to the family is helpful. 

And if you ever have wisdom on growing family relationships, be sure to include me.

Challenges of Parenting

I had a conversation with someone this weekend about how to connect with and maintain a relationship with adult children. As I am no expert on this myself, I went looking for resources.


From the wisdom shared with me by parents of adult children, this list seemed most like what was shared with me.

For the complete article by Dr Joshua Coleman, click this link. Here is part of the list

• Don't criticize their choice in romantic partners. You have raised your adult child to be independent, so don't assume that you know better about who they should be with.
•  Don't criticize their parenting. Yes, you may have years of experience, but most people like to learn on their own and resent intrusions from the outside, especially from parents.
•  Don't guilt trip about their lack of involvement with you. Guilt increases distance and resentment.
•  If you're going to say no to a request for money or some other form of support, do it with affection and not as a complaint or criticism.
•  Take responsibility for mistakes you've made in the past.
•  If your adult child has cut off contact, don't respond with retaliation. 

Wisdom perhaps for more than just parent/child relationships as well. 

My #1 Principle for Reconciliation

Just a short and sweet note tonight. I had multiple thoughts battling it out in my mind this evening. This is the one I wanted to jot down. My #1 principle for reconciliation:

1. Reconciliation cannot be at the expense of other relationships in your life. If being reconciled to someone will take time, energy and affection away from other people in your support system and cause additional cut-offs in other relationships, it's just not time for reconciliation yet.

One person is unable to complete the process of reconciliation. Being able to restore a relationship really reflects on the relational health of the support system of both parties involved. I don't believe in forcing reconciliation. I also don't believe in excusing relational cut-offs, especially in family. However, when an individual is blessed with a reconciliation of a relationship, the entire family is blessed, enlarged, and grows. A forced reconciliation will just re-establish the wounds that are present and the reasons for the cut-off.

That said - as a third party to a relational cut-off you will know you are ready for reconciliation when you are able to hear both sides of a story and believe both sides to be true. Its a challenge, no doubt about it. The blessings of a restored relationship, make it worth going through all the work.

Tested

When I think of faith being tested, I rarely think of my own faith being tested. I mean, I am a Christian, I believe, that alone should be enough. As I have journeyed through my twenties I learned that claiming Christianity isn't enough. It's like a baby saying, "I'm born. Isn't that enough?" As I look back on it, I see its a great start. It's the best start. It's not like claiming Christianity isn't enough. It's the fact there is so much more that could be experienced.

Let me explain it this way:
when my husband and I married, I would have preferred that we started out debt free. We didn't.  The experience of working together to get out of debt, is what helped us learn to work as a team. This experience was not an easy, smooth or simple process. It brought us to the edge of what our marriage could take. However, we wouldn't have experienced the troubles or the triumph together, without first pledging our love to each other in marriage. Our wedding began our life together. Our wedding was a great start. Our wedding isn't what taught us how to work together. Our marriage was tested, from the beginning. Would we be able to overcome? Or would we be broken by life's experiences as a married couple?

Being a Christian is a similar experience. How will I know the depth of God's love for me, if I don't have experiences that break my heart? How will I learn to trust Him completely, if I always have other people who will bail me out of problems? I'm not saying I like heartbreak and loneliness, its just been my burden to bear. Other people have other burdens that either bring them to their knees, or break their faith completely. I have heard this verse throughout my life, but it just sank in this morning: "For the time has come for judgment, and it must begin with God's household"(1 Peter 4:17). I get it now. When God has a plan for the world, He starts with His people, and He tests them.  Having experienced life as an adult, I don't think God expects His people to necessarily "get it" the first time. Like Jonah, He will come after us until we find the right path and follow His plan to completion. God's will is perfect, but He has imperfect followers, who have a tendency to bungle things up badly. This is why I am so thankful for forgiveness. I need it so often. And a fresh start. I am willing to do His will, just often confused as to what His will means.


When HomePage started over a decade ago, the mission involved relationships. In fact our mission statement starts with "restoring relationships between God and man." An ambitious undertaking for sure. However, after several years, it didn't seem like "restoring relationships" between anybody was actually occurring. To understand what is happening often takes time. Sometimes I will think to myself "in ten years this experience might make sense." Like a great philosopher once said "You live life looking forward, you understand it looking backward." Moments like today are when I understand what happened. If as a church body you are going to try something that no one else has tried, you will be tested first. Let me repeat myself: YOU WILL BE TESTED FIRST!! If your mission is to restore relationships, guess what? Your relationships will be tested first. It's easy to think that the testing, and the failures along the way are the end of the story.
Failure is only the end of the story, if you let it be the end of the story. Failure is only a chapter in the story. Multiple failures are only different portions of the story. God, however, doesn't seem to have a problem with having a lot of Jonahs for help.  If I let God tell the story of my testing, He has His own plan. From the story of Job, a man whose testing of faith brought him  face-to-face with the decision of whether to choose life or death, understood being tested. Job faithfully stated "But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold"(Job 23:10). That is our promise too. In fact over the last several years, I have watched as relationships are restored between people and with God. A church experience that might have been labeled a failure, has found its way and is blessing others. It's an amazing experience to participate in! My life is enriched and blessed by this group of people!!

God knows our desire to serve and worship Him. Since testing begins at the House of God, we know it can't be avoided. Failure oftentimes cannot be avoided either. How else would we learn? What we can understand is by maintaining our devotion to Him during the time of testing, our faith will be purified, and we will come forth like gold, pure gold.

Photo Source: Unknown

Comforted like Job

"In the world you will have trouble, but I'm leaving you my peace
That where I am, there you may also be" Rich Mullins.


I find the story of Job a great comfort. There was a time in my life when it seemed like all would be lost. Relationships..... gone. Financial support....... gone. Emotions reeling from all of the losses. Spiritually drained - exceeding hopelessness, and an uncertain future. My emotions in a place of constant change as well, dealing with uncertainty and fear of the future. Honestly though, I am glad that I didn't know that there would be even more painful losses in the future...however, that is for a different time, if I ever figure out how to tell that story.   

Why did I experience such loss in my younger days?

I believe that when we experience such devastating losses, there are two choices that we have to make:

1. Attempt to take control
2. Learn to become flexible

An attempt to take control over life is to give into the fear of loss and instead of embracing the new opportunities, to seek out a way to never feel such grief again. There are so many ways that losses are experienced, divorce (parents and/or personal), emotional cut-off, job loss, loss of a family member or friend, moving and so many more things,  The problem with taking control, is that in order to maintain control over relationships,  life and God, your emotional and relational world must become smaller and smaller. Why? Because relationships, life and God are unpredictable. So an attempt to control life, usually results in few people able to meet the "tests" and exceeding demands a person attempting to control can manage. Relational burnout occurs, and other people move into to replace those who can no longer emotionally support an individual in such desperate need of control. However, that control is comforting, it feels like protection and action against future losses. So I can understand why someone would choose this journey.

I like this verse in Job. I think it answers well the attempts to control God's actions in my life. "Shall the one who contends with the Almighty correct Him? He who rebukes God, let him answer it" (Job 40:2 NKJV). I am not saying that we must not question God. I am saying that when we do question God, the conversation gets real pretty fast.

The second option - learning to become flexible - is what I have sought most of my life in response to loss and grief. One of  my spiritual mentors is Paula Rinehart. Her book Strong Women, Soft Hearts, is a book that is well loved, bent, taped together, and always an inspiration no matter how many times I have read it.

Paula Rinehartsays "we meander through life, and somewhere along the way, pain enters our lives and leaves an indelible mark, as though it has actually been stamped on our passports. My point is that eventually pain does get stamped on your passport. No matter how hard you work to avoid it, pain makes its appearance; and the hardest part to accept, sometimes, is its inevitability" (Strong Women, Soft Hearts, 42-43).

Why do I choose to be flexible? Once again I am inspired by Paula Rinehart:

Exquisite pain that love is, it is forever interwoven with the risk of offering your heart to another person, who sometimes tramps all over it. Love anything....and your heart will be wrung. The more you succeed at love, the more you will have to lose. But honestly, would playing it safe and hedging your bets take you any place you really wanted to be? (Strong Women, Soft Hearts 158).

With flexibility my life, my heart, my home is enlarged. I have more blessings in my life and I have more opportunities for my future. Having made the choices I have, I cannot imagine living my life in a small spiritual box, or in a small relational box because I must have control over my life. My constant prayer is that I can accept the losses in my life, grieve the losses in my life, without taking them out on my husband, friends and family, and allow God to create beauty out of those losses.

I don't know why I must experience loss. I don't know why my family and friends must experience loss other than the fact that there is sin in the world. I do know that as I work through different losses, and give my future to God, that I am more content then I have ever been. Looking back at the story of Job, the ending is quite unexpected. Job responded to the rebuke from God by saying "I have uttered what i did not understand. Things too wonderful for which I did not understand" (Job 42:3). Out of Job's losses, losses so devastating I cannot understand, Job was  blessed, "now the Lord blessed the latter days of Job, more than his beginning"(Job 42:12).

I think that if you choose to be flexible and deal with life as it comes, with prayer and thanksgiving, you will find the blessings, because you will be looking for them.

 

A Couples' Spiritual Focus

When an organization of believers has as its key verse:

"He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children,

and the hearts of the children to their fathers."

Malachi 4:6, " you know there will be challenges. Our specific challenges involve the focus of the members - where do we as a church body encourage each member to focus their resources. Is it more important that outreach have the church body's focus? Or spiritual growth? Or evangelistic meetings?

It's something that at the HomePage the message that everyone wanted to highlight was that of grace. So began the journey into the "conspiracy of kindness" (by Steve Sjogren) and Kindness Ministries developed. Little did we know that as the journey of sharing grace with our community began, so would another journey. 

What do you do when their isn't enough support? What do you do when families within the church are stretched to their limit, by the simplest of things? Life. Life happens to all of us...illness, work (especially overtime is exhausting), family......children. What do you do when your families are unable to support ministries within the church because they are married and developing a marriage of faith? or when those same couples become parents, and all of their waking moments are spent pouring their love, life and hope into little ones? 

When my hubby and I were dating, all twelve short weeks of it, we went to a large Adventist conference together. There was a speaker there that exhorted the young adults gathered, to remain single and childless. He then made a derogatory comment about his wife of many years. My hubby (future) and I were stunned. My hubby was also infuriated - that someone would exhort him to remain single (yes, I was putting the pieces together :-) ). I was stunned that a spiritual leader would say something mean spirited about his wife in front of several hundred young adults. The thing about single adults though, is that they have more time, energy and finances to put into a church ministry. For a spiritual leader to exhort young adults to remain single, is the very thing that allows a church ministry to grow and flourish. If you want to complicate the growth of a ministry, then have the young adults pair up, marry and start a family. The progress then is very slow....unless you have a workaholic partner who is devoted to ministry. In that case, the spouse and the children suffer. 

At the HomePage, we are a very small group of believers, primarily made up of  families of young children and/or their support systems. When ministry ideas progress slowly due to marriages, babies and growing families, the response at our church....is to let them be. If someone doesn't come to church for a week or two - then we make sure to stay in contact with each other. Besides that we recognize that when families/members aren't able to attend, they are putting what ever energy they have left over from the week, back into their marriages, back into their children. Shame and guilt over missing out on attending church or not participating in ministries within the church. drives a wedge between a couple and drains emotional resources that spouses and children need. 

Meeting the needs of families with young children involves giving them the space, support and appreciation they need. Appreciation that these families are raising the next generation of believers, and that their task is very precious indeed.

A Time for Healing

I've had a premonition for a few years now that something wasn't quite right. I fatigued easily, sleep didn't make me feel better, I cried easily and tension and conflict in my life would often continue to impact me long after the moment passed, showing itself in a physical reaction - sometimes insomnia, sometimes panic attacks, sometimes other ways. This was compounded last year during a particularly stressful time (physically and emotionally) that I couldn't seem to overcome on my own. My biggest problem - I didn't know who to turn to or whom to ask for help. It's  not easy to go to a primary care provider and let them know that things are just off. No specifics, no glaring issues in blood work or typical exams and tests. As far as I knew - this was normal and I would just have to deal with it.

Back to the main item I brought up...building a support system. I didn't know who I could turn to in a situation like this where I know something is off, but don't know what to do. The fact of the matter is that it's easy in general for me to determine that I will figure out what is wrong and fix it..no matter what. No matter that I exhaust myself in the process. No matter that I actually refuse willing supports in my life the opportunity to help me. Even refusing to allow my support system to simply pray for me, for healing.

I know I am not alone in this. For me the fierce determination comes from thinking that there is no one who will support me - so if I don't do it for myself, no one else will. For others it may be a myriad of reasons. Allowing other people to help - means someone else to share in the journey, the joys, the sorrows and ultimately sharing in the experience in finding the deep underlying meaning in your life's story.

Sometimes too extra support comes from being  able to pay for services.Having someone help clean the house, mow the lawn, or do some babysitting can provide some much needed relief to the stressors of life. For me it meant finding someone who would listen to my concerns for my physical health and be willing to support me through the healing process. I think this is another way that God works - through family and friends, and friends of friends, and family of friends, and friends of family. I heard of a medical provider in my local area, who might be able to provide the kind of support I wanted. No, the support I really needed.

I have been receiving medical support for a month now and the changes are phenomenal. I am sleeping at night and feeling rested (when I feel fatigued now its a reminder to rest, not a pervasive feeling), I no longer feel so overwhelmed and I feel much more confident, and the physical responses to tension and conflict have subsided. What a relief!!

In addition I reached out to my church family and solicited their prayers. My hope is for complete healing. However, I am content with whatever I am given - recognizing that my health at this point depends a lot on my choices regarding diet, exercise and rest.

Divine support sometimes start in recognizing that sometimes when it comes to healing I need to provide some of the legwork - look for support, ask for support, make necessary changes, and then allow God to decide the outcome.

Photo source: unknown

The Precipice

 

For those of you who do not attend the HomePage - this blog will probably look more analytical in nature - its a glimpse into the soul of the group. I understand that for the most part it will most likely be information of little interest - but these thoughts have weighed heavily on my mind and beg for release. So for this blog I ask for your indulgence.

Ever since the HomePage started we have spiritually lived (for those who attend) on a precipice. The questions that repeatedly demand an answer:
1. Are we Christian?
2. Are we Adventist?
3. Are we in the World?
4. Are we of the World?

This is the precipice we live on. To prevent from crashing down on either side of this precipice is a spiritual balancing act. Being drawn by both sides of being non-christian and of the world or being completely perfect in adherence to Adventist doctrine and not in the world at all, is the spiritual reality we face everyday.

How do I live my Christian faith in cooperation with my Adventist beliefs in a world that so desperately needs kindness, hope and love? For it is so easy to appear Christian but not Adventist, and in the same token it is easy to appear Adventist but not Christian. This is the precipice we live on.

I find it interesting that for the last 13 years it has been a small group of believers that have dared to attempt to live this reality. Living on the  precipice of being a Adventist filled with grace living in the world is not for the faint of heart. Adventist communities are notorious - providing a safe group of people to connect with and provide support of like-minded people. However large groups of like-minded people do not ensure an attitude of grace, but are often known for being exclusive and creating "relational clicks."  And yet there are those who are seeing that being exclusive and creating "relational clicks" drives out those who do not fit in, and there are those who seek now to join us on the precipice. To live on this spiritual precipice is to embrace ambiguity and uncertainty regarding the future, and is the only place I know that also provides limitless opportunities. Opportunities to abundantly bless others as the Father has blessed me, with "a good measure-- pressed down, shaken together, and running over." Luke 6:38. This is also a place of dialogue and questions. Every Adventist church I have observed expresses Adventist doctrine differently. The expression of Adventist doctrine is often where disagreements begin, and in those disagreements it is often where belief ends.

There is also the matter of maintaining family connections. To be Christian is to reorganize the way a family lives. To be an Adventist Christian re-organizes more than just how one family lives, it changes the way an entire extended family lives, even if just one family changes. A family changing the way it is organized too quickly can actually break a family apart. This applies to families on both sides of our precipice. A family who becomes Adventist is suddenly different from the rest of their family, possibly even causing emotional cut-off and alienation. A family who is already Adventist but has based their faith on perfect adherence to doctrine risks losing the energy that forces their family into spiritual agreement by basing their faith on grace instead of perfection. This is the precipice we live on.

To live on this precipice is to live a life of faith, to trust God will use us to bless the lives of our families, children and friends, and the larger Christian church body, and the larger Adventist church body, without knowing how. This is the precipice we live on.

Our only solution is to embrace fully the One who has chosen us for He desires all of us to join Him someday - "In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you" John 14:2. The judgment of human-kind is not in my hands and those are not decisions I want to make. My desire instead is for there to be a spiritual group that is a shelter in the storm, a place where its OK to dialogue and ask questions, a place to belong.

Photo source: Unknown

Family Traditions

I don't have typical family traditions. Traditions I remember the most were actually weekly and involved family gathering together around a favorite meal. Friday nights - what a special night of the week. Preparations for Friday dinner generally started on Thursday evening (example: what do we want for dinner tomorrow night?). Friday is when the work started - a weekly trip to the grocery store, followed by putting groceries away and starting a batch of homemade bread. A couple of loaves of bread were baked, and a pan of homemade pecan rolls were made with love and placed in the fridge.  This also allowed for homemade pizza dough to be spread into baking pans and favorite toppings placed all around. We were a little adventurous too - I remember a pizza we made with saucettes. However the family favorite, to this day, is beef and black olive. Yum!! The neat thing about these traditions - they take an afternoon to pull together. There is no build up of anxiety, it doesn't have to be perfect because we will be gathering together again next week, and it takes into account the preferences of the group. The family conversations at these Friday night meals are legendary. :) The next morning, the homemade pecan rolls are pulled out of the fridge and slipped into the oven. Such a yummy breakfast on Sabbath morning. These pecan rolls are also legendary.

These family traditions were started by my Mom. The interesting thing about my Mom is that even though these are favorite family recipes - if you ask her for the recipe, without hesitating my Mom will share her recipes. There are no secret family ingredients, no secret family recipes, no hoops to jump through to receive the recipes. This is just one of the many reasons I so admire my Mom. This gracious vulnerability is my example of how to share love and affection for others. I see it in my sister too. I watch my sister place so much time and effort into spoiling others with quality gifts that are both thoughtful and inexpensive. Sometimes though when recipes or gifts or affection are unappreciated, being graciously vulnerable doesn't leave any protective barrier to prevent being hurt either.

My Mom shared with me a Christmas Story when she was 10 years old. At 10 years old she came with her dad, who raised her, to meet her relatives in Iowa. They weren't expected and they arrived on Christmas Eve just before her cousins were going to open their Christmas presents. Mom shared "I wondered if there was a present for me under the tree." In fact, there was a Christmas present tucked under the tree, last minute, to make sure a little girl had a present to open. These are the family traditions that shape my life- welcoming family and friends and those in need, being inclusive, enjoying the Sabbath with my family and giving to others out of what I have (money, recipes, affection, food or gifts). I have decided that if I am even just a little bit like my Mom when I am her age, struggles and all, I will be an abundantly blessed woman. All of these thoughts have come to my mind as I watch people exhaust themselves trying to make sure that Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years are perfect. Those are high expectations to place on a couple of days out of the year. For me though, because family, special meals, thoughtfulness, giving and caring and celebrating my faith are a part of my weekly experience during the Sabbath, I don't have to place such high expectations on holidays, because they are just extra days to celebrate what I celebrate all year long.