The tug on my heart

I had not anticipated being a working mom. However, finding my partner in life took me a lot longer than anticipated as well. During those years of waiting for my personal life to change, I worked on my academic and professional life. I experienced enough success during my school years and professional years to satisfy me.

Then came along my dear hubby, with enough expectations of what are relationship was going to be to provide a catalyst for change in my professional life. Here I am several years later, my professional life is  not unfolding in as precise a manner as I would like, but a baby has now taken up permanent residence in our house. Having made multiple changes to provide for his care as best we are able, we still find ourselves relying on other people for help. I have chosen people who I trust, who love him and who will keep him safe,  providing care mostly according to my wishes. That doesn't change the moment when  I leave him in his nana's care, and he doesn't seem to notice I am gone....

I have carefully over these last few months made sure my son is aware he is safe and loved in the presence of other family members. He doesn't need to fuss for me to come and get him when another family member wants to hold him. When someone is a family member or a friend we say "hi" and I let them touch him. If it's a stranger, I may say "hi" but I don't let them touch him. When my little one looks at my face to see if it's ok to connect, I let him know the persons name and show him how to greet this person. Even at his young age he is already familiar with his Grandma's, Aunts, Cousins and Uncles. At family get-togethers he makes a visit around the room to say "hi" to each one. Sometimes trading his trademark lion's roar with them "Arghh"

During the week he often stays with a family member, and there are all sorts of toys for him to play with and he knows exactly where they are. Once I set him off he crawls over to his toys and starts playing with them, listening intently to her as she speaks Spanish to him. It's not that I want him to suffer.... I just want him sometimes to want only me. That special moment when I know I am the only one who will make my little one happy. To see evidence of his attachment to someone other than me, breaks my heart a little. When I see the obvious evidence of his attachment, I want to scoop him up and carry him away, so that he is just mine. Non one else's. When those thoughts come to me, I have to consciously walk away and not mess with his little heart.

While my little one needs me, a lot, he also needs the love of a supportive and caring family. If something were to happen to me, he needs to feel attached to someone else so they are able to raise him. Although the thought of someone else raising my child, is enough to break my heart again). Knowing how to make relational connections with others is essential in life. By letting him learn how to develop relationships, I am providing for his future. I am just surprised at feeling a tug on my heart, because my little one is already growing so fast.