Active in our Communities

www.hpindahouse.org

Our church family is focused, focused on connecting with our communities and making a difference, every day. I thought one of the coolest things I have seen in a while is that sometimes the communities notice - when I picked up a local small town newspaper and saw the names of  20% of our congregation recognized for their roles in their communities. It doesn't even cover the unrecognized activity of all our members - and I thought how incredible it is to be a part of a community dedicated to blessing the lives of those around us.

Thanks for being YOU!!!

That's Not what the Bible Says....

I enjoy reading to children.... It is so much fun to connect to an "old friend" and sharing the book with children, is a way to experience the book in a new way again. I heard my Mom (over the phone) reading "Too Many Mittens" to my niece and nephews. It is also a fun way to remember being read to by my Mom, their Grandma. Great Memories.....

A portion of my time at work is spent helping families connect to community resources. A family without the necessary resources to survive and/or cope with stress loses hope, and sinks in to mental illness, dependency (learned helplessness) and destructive behavior (including violence, substance/alcohol abuse, and gambling). It is crucial to find the support systems necessary to help carry a family through a painful time. One of the first steps I take each time is to call churches that are closest to the family in proximity. I then offer them the opportunity to help a family - if the family is willing to make the connection after I have found out the level of willingness a church family expresses.  Unfortunately, I don't get to share good news with the family very often. I accept the rejection without telling the family, and move onto the next opportunity within the community to help them.

This is what I am thinking though, like the children's book "Hey, That's Not what the Bible Says" (Bill Ross). Its an interpretation that isn't necessarily accurate... 

"Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’" Matthew 25:34-

I don't think He said, "only if they attend church every week" or "only if they deserve the help" or "only if it will be of benefit to your congregation" or "Only if they don't take advantage of the help." He Said " You saw a need, and you met the need, and in doing this service for them, you did it for Me too."

I understand the concern - there is so much need and so many people who would take advantage of it. But it is part of being a Christian that sometimes I carry more of the burden than maybe is fair, because someone else cannot, and I carry that cross as an example of what Christ did for me.... and those who are lost, hurting and in need. 

Listed below are the resources each person and/or family need to keep in balance to stay emotionally balanced:

Internal and External Resources (Bridges out of Poverty Ruby Payne Ph.D). 

Financial

Emotional - the most significant of all resources - when in balance keeps from returning to destructive behavior. 

Mental 

Spiritual

Physical

Support Systems

Relationships/Role Models

Knowledge of Hidden Rules

Coping Strategies

He will turn the hearts of the Fathers.

Micah 4:6
He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers.....


"More than half of all births to women under thirty are outside of marriage" (Life without Children 2008). I already blogged this week on research regarding the stability of marriage from "The State of our Unions 2007." This next paper has taken me a lot of time to think about and process. "Life without Children" discusses the changing attitude in the United States towards children. This is partially due to increased longevity and the fact that couples marry later, have fewer children, and so fewer years of their life are devoted to child-rearing. However, when you hear my Dad talk, he thinks parenting goes on until we turn 40. What I do know is that being an adult-child is weird. There are still familial expectations, respect must be given, and advice carefully considered, but the person responsible for me now, is me. Back to the subject at hand....

"Parenthood today is seen more as a lifestyle choice, then an expectation, and in fact what it takes to raise children is almost opposite of what is popularly defines a satisfying adult life" and in fact it costs less money for a couple to have a nice vehicle, travel to warm sunny beaches, and buy nice clothes than it costs to raise a child. So I am guessing that the thought processes focus on why give up luxury, for sleep deprivation, constant demands, and two year old temper tantrums that start all over again when a child reaches their teens. Its interesting reading this given that a major focus in my life has been learning about children, learning about development, and helping children with mental illness and children in crisis. I believed when I started this journey 10 years ago (how can it possibly be 10+ years already?) that children are our greatest treasures, and I believe that even more today. However when stories like the following are told, it can raise serious questions: " A New York Times letter  "I am sick of having my world revolve around the aesthetics and concerns of a 6-year old. Its up to parents to parent, and I for one want no part in doing their job." So when I have questions about the true value of children - I look to the source of truth and see what was said:

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
(Psalms 127:3-5 ESV)

He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!
(Psalms 113:9 Holy Bible ESV)

But when the chief priests and the scribes saw the wonderful things that he did, and the children crying out in the temple, “Hosanna to the Son of David!” they were indignant, and they said to him, “Do you hear what these are saying?” And Jesus said to them, “Yes; have you never read, “‘Out of the mouth of infants and nursing babies you have prepared praise’?”
(Matthew 21:15-16 ESV)

And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.
(Matthew 18:2-6 ESV)
Children to me provide (well-behaved children) are a true joy to be around, their innocence healing, their curiosity insatiable ( I love the why questions of a five-year old), and their first experiences of the world helps to lift away a little of the callouses that I develop on my heart. I choose to be someone with children in my life - to be mentored by them, and maybe by the grace of God I can mentor one or two of them along the way.
 I will continue my life-long passion of working with children, and for their families, to provide support, knowledge and a companion along a difficult journey. I also hope to join the brigade of parents ( now considered a special interest group, instead of a defining policy group) who are raising children - because for me life without children is empty, sad, and sounds like the echoes of a closed building, with nothing but memories to keep it warm.  It is sad to me that life without children would be considered something to strive for, that hearts are being turned away from children, away from their needs, away from their love, and in the end turned away from their hearts. Maybe that looks a lot like abortion, physical, emotional and sexual abuse, neglect, and drug/substance abuse. If that is the case, it looks a lot like now.

Marriage and Finances Connection

There are certain issues that come up in every marriage:

1) a failure of communication 2) financial difficulties

3) sexual difficulties

4) problems with in-laws

5) disagreements over child rearing

 are some of the discussions that are likely to occur in a young or even a seasoned marriage.

 I was incredibly surprised at the role finances plays in a marriage relationship. A study completed by the University of Virgina (the Marriage Project) called "Bank on it: Thrifty couples are the happiest" (2009), specifically addressed the effect of financial stress on a marriage. Specifically, financial stress on the wife, has a significant impact on the outcome of the marriage particularly since "65% of divorces are initiated by women". (U.S. Census Bureau )  According to the research on finances and Marriage "Consumer debt is an equal-opportunity marriage destroyer. It does not matter if couples are rich or poor, working class or middle class. If they accrue substantial debt, it puts a strain on their marriage." In fact feeling that a partner spends money unwisely, shows a 45% increase in the likelihood either party will initiate a divorce. Ranking 3rd behind extra-marital affairs, and substance/alcohol abuse.

Since I am pretty new still to the marriage scene, I thought I would also then check out some of the ways to increase the likelihood of a happy union. Interestingly enough (from the same research) a couple with no assets were 70% more likely to divorce after 36 months, than a couple with $10,000.00 in assets. Having done the Dave Ramsey plan, perhaps the best investment in our marriage is our emergency fund of 3-6 months.

Perhaps you have heard that the divorce statistics are 50% of marriages today are likely to fail What's kind of sad about the whole thing is that often those failed marriages are among the same group of people, someone who married prior to the age of 21, is a high school drop-out, and is non-religious. For some people the likelihood of divorce is significantly lower.

Annual income over $50,000 (vs. under $25,000):    30% decrease in likelihood of divorce

Having a baby 7 months or more after marriage (vs. before marriage):   24% decrease in likelihood of divorce

Marrying over the age of 25 years (vs. under 18):   24% decrease in likelihood of divorce.

Own family of origin intact (vs. divorced parents): 14% decrease in likelihood of divorce

Religious affiliation (vs. none):   14% decrease in likelihood of divorce

Some College (vs. high school dropout): 13% decrease in likelihood of divorce.

 (The State of our Unions 2007)

What I like about this information is that  there is something that can still be done, even if you married young, dropped out of school and/or had a baby before marriage. Going to school, increasing family income, and participating in a faith community, will all positively impact your marriage and decrease the likelihood of divorce. And for husbands out there, maybe the best gift you ever give your wife, and your marriage, is investing in an emergency fund, even having a smaller emergency fund of $1000.00 will significantly increase marital satisfaction for your wife.

http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=1581450690664007156

Great Expectations

I don't like starting new jobs. I hate all the anxiety and wondering how I am going to screw up as I learn the ropes. I hate the feeling I let someone down, because I have experience doing such and such, or know how to.... Since each job has a unique combination of polices, procedures, and in Human Services, regulations, its complicated learning how to jump through all the hoops. I always look forward to the one year anniversary of being in the new position - after that you pretty much have the position down, its a question of handling the variations on previous experiences that matter now. 

Starting a new job though is something I come to with minimal expectations, an outlook of learning and bettering myself, and conquering a challenge. Personal relationships though, tend to carry the baggage of my own expectations, weaved into the relationship are threads of reality and threads of fiction, created by me.

One of the worst arguments (we all have weaknesses that can cause a lot of pain for our spouse) between my husband and I occurred about 18 months into marriage. Hubby changed jobs about 6 months before, and I thought I had heard him say that after 6 months of employment, there would be a pay raise (hey, some companies do that). Hubby had actually said "I hope they do. That would be nice."  Hubby, at first, didn't always speak in definite terms, so "that would be nice", could mean "yes", so I took it as "yes". Let's just say after that day - hubby now speaks in definite terms - its just not worth dealing with a wife that expects what he says to be fact. Embarrassing to say the least, it wasn't one of my finer moments as a wife.

However, I learned a lot about my expectations as a wife, what I thought my husband would be like. My expectations of being provided for and feeling secure, were tied emotionally to the outcome of that 1st conversation about starting a new job. Factually, were they tied together, no, I don't think so. That shows how sneaky and insidious expectations are. A relationship full of beautiful potential, can be reduced to ashes, (because it can feel like emotional betrayal) over un-fulfilled expectations, if the only requirement is, "my expectations must be met."

One expectation that has been exceeded over and over again, in such abundance, I cannot believe God so graciously blessed me... The companionship I have experienced being married. I so much enjoy marriage to my husband, because he is a friend, a partner, someone who challenges my weak areas, shows confidence in my abilities, and brags relentlessly about me to anyone who will listen. I am sure that all he shares about me isn't true, but its a great standard to reach for,  his love and companionship inspire me to be a better person.

Expectations can be carried into other relationships - when becoming a parent, when developing friendships, when marrying into a family, when losing a close friend/family member or parent. Remember beautiful memories, or relationships full of potential can be reduced to ashes over unfulfilled expectations. Treasure your positive memories and interactions that bring joy. And be willing to identify where expectations end, and deal-breakers begin. A relationship that embodies love, respect and fun, even if it doesn't meet certain expectations, doesn't mean it is a lie, its just different then expected.

Definition of "expectations":

• belief about (or mental picture of) the future
• anticipation: anticipating with confidence of fulfillment
• the feeling that something is about to happen 

Definition of "deal breaker":
any issue or factor that is significant enough to terminate a negotiation, esp. in business or politics

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/deal+breaker

How to Change your Behavior

With the new year - I am always inspired to try something new - the only exception to that was the end of 2008. My husband and I were 8 weeks away from becoming debt free. All of our energy and focus was directed toward finishing the goal, not starting something new. Here at the start of 2010 - I am once again looking at what I want to change, what I want to be different, how I want to be different after 2010. My reason: I want to improve myself, my family, my future for my husband and our future children. There might be other reasons to change though, such as:

Pain-Motivated Change

Change Created by Being Pulled Toward New Behavior
Change Forced by a Push from Someone Else or by Circumstances
http://www.learningplaceonline.com/therapy/motivates.htm

The hard part of course is making the behavior changes stick. Learning the new skills necessary to make the change, can be just as challenging as actually changing behaviors. Don't be surprised if you feel a sense of loss, even if it is a change for the better. Leaving the familiar, the safe, is always stressful, and choosing stress, when dealing with stress due to environment (i.e. job, family, health, finances) may seem too much to handle.

When dealing with changes expect to experience an increase in the unwanted actions - due to the familiarity of the behavior that is being extinguished. Also continually practice adding positives (toward your goal), to keep busy and help your brain re-organize around a new structure of activity. The new structure, is actually essential to creating change, or you might sink into destructive behavior due to learned helplessness.


Phase of numbing that usually lasts from a few hours to a week and may be interrupted by outbursts of extremely intense distress and/or anger.


Phase of yearning and searching for the lost figure lasting some months or sometimes for years.
Phase of disorganization and despair.
Phase of greater or less degree of organization. - John Bowlby Loss: Sadness and Depression

It may also be helpful to use the Holmes and Rahe stress inventory to recognize stressors you may currently be experiencing.  A score of 300+  gives you a 90% change of developing an illness, having an accident, or "blowing up" (you know, emotional meltdowns, aaack).

http://www.managingpressure.com/downloads/6_Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_inventory.pdf

There are two ways to work around the attachment/loss scenario, and the stress scenario that can impact an individual's ability to succeed. 

1. Educate yourself: Learn everything you can about what you want to become, what has worked for others and how to incorporate them into your life.
2. Find a Mentor: Someone who has gone through the process before, or perhaps never struggled because they were taught, or intuitively knew how to be successful in that area.

My husband and I used the Dave Ramsey plan to get out of debt (www.daveramsey.com), however we wouldn't have gotten that far without a personal connection, friends who are financially successful, who gave us the emotional boost to get started.