Additional Resources

http://www.hpindahouse.org/dialogues/dialogues.html


PDF information is available on the following at this website.

The hidden rules of class

10 qualities of resilient relationships - a great tool to assess current relationships. To recognize strengths and weaknesses in the relationship - not to end relationships (and to know where to start practicing new skills in relationships)

Internal and External Resources - the lack of which describes the level of poverty or the abundance of which describes the level of wealth a person is experiencing.

What motivates people to change - recognizing there are several different ways people come to the conclusion change is necessary.


I hope this is a blessing to you!!

The hidden rules of poverty, middle class and wealth - Ruby Payne Ph. D.

The hidden rules of class shape our behavior, impact our relationships, and create endless opportunities to offend or miss the mark when relating to others.

This is a frequent conversation at my house based on the rules of "time management" and the "Driving Forces" that influence our choices. With apologies to my hubby (not an actual conversation, but you see the main concepts).

Hubby and I sharing a day off - Vacation time to enjoy together. :)

Me: I need your help cleaning the car, cleaning the house, running errands and then we will find something fun to do.

Hubby: Why don't you just relax?

Me: Why don't you take the needs of our household seriously?

Hubby (getting irritated): I work hard all day, I just want to relax!

Me (also irritated): Fine, then who is going to get all of this done?

Hubby (done talking): ugh....

When we take vacation time together now - I take a day early to accomplish my list of things to do, so I know our home is running smoothly. Then hubby joins me with a day off to just relax. I hope this explains it somewhat. I want to post information from Rich Church, Poor Church, where I went in depth on some these concepts.

Hidden rules of class table is from "Crossing the Tracks for love" by Ruby Payne, Ph.D

In-love

The opportunity to hold a brand-new baby came along a couple of weeks ago, and I eagerly, although not too eagerly (I asked the new Mama first) accepted. Having recently gone through some of the research on newborns capabilities at birth (Your Amazing Newborn Marshall Klaus and Phyllis Klaus), I watched and observed to see how this little baby (all six lbs of her) would react to being held by a stranger. As I watched her gaze, slightly clouded, searching my face and the face of the person next to me, her Mama started to talk. I held her in my lap guarded by my hands so she couldn't roll over, but her head had some freedom to move around. When she heard her Mama's voice, she turned her head to the left and up, and up, and up some more, searching for her Mama's face. I wonder if her Mama knew how much her little one desperately wanted her Mama, the one constant and safe person she had known the previous 9 months. I mentioned to her Mama that the little one was looking for her, and eventually she came over and picked her up again. I don't know if her Mama knows how desperately in-love her little girl is with her Mama, but I hope they grow in-love together, as no one else can meet her needs for mothering, like this woman blessed with this child. I also recognized how deep the ache, the desperation to feel the love of the Father in our lives, a hole that no one else can fill.

Navigation: R \ Rich Mullins \ If I Stand

There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the giver
Of all good things

CHORUS:
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegence
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

CHORUS(2x)

And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

Are you looking for Christian Mp3s or Cds? Click here to buy all the latest Christian music from Amazon.com.

If you want the sheet music, the best place we found is www.sheetmusicplus.com

Communication - How am I supposed to know, if you don't tell me?

I have this intense need to plan things. In fact, if you ask my husband, he would probably say that I over plan things. Fortunately for him as well, I have never subscribed to the silly notion that a husband must know what I am thinking/wanting because I am his wife. If I need/want something, I say it. Also if I am thinking about something pertaining to our future, I say it. We might be months away from being able to make a decision, but I am looking over the possible outcomes and asking for his opinion on how he thinks we should handle it.

One of our areas of discussion has included our goals for our family. (Jonathan and I used Destinations - I will include information about Destinations at the end of the blog). The two of us sat down together and discussed our personal views on Academia, Social Interactions, Physical Care and Overall goals that are important but might not fit into any specific category. Given that it is most likely that my husband and I will both be over the age of 30 when we have children, our goals are likely to change, based on additional experience, education and relationships we have developed since 2006. However as I am looking over our goals again today, I see that our values haven't changed, the tools we use to get there, and our priorities are most likely to change.

Learning more about the mindsets behind poverty experiences, middle-class experience and wealthy experiences, means that I might suggest to my husband we look more closely at manners, discipline, and planning for the long term. Both of us have come from some form of low-income experiences, mine primarily situational, meaning in my case, I experienced poverty, but lived in poverty with middle-class values on discipline/destiny, education and time. I want to make sure that we teach our children how to better themselves in the world (achievement, self-governance and education focused), and pray we don't fall into the self-destructive mindsets of poverty (drama, gossip, unable to change the future, lack of discipline). However, I am off on several tangents....

Here is our list.

1. Personal walk with God
2. Character
3. Sustain and maintain relationships
4. Love of learning
5. Take care of self
6. Learn to Think
7. Creativity.

Why do I share our personal goals? Because how can anyone support us if they don't know what the goals in our life are? Its easy to become bitter and angry with specific people in our personal lives (parents, siblings, in-laws, best friends)when they don't support the goals that we want. However the responsibility for demonstrating to those same people how to support lies within the person. It is only in communicating those goals, that others can come along side, support and join the team, even if by sharing stories, or telling jokes to ease the stress.

I meet with a lot of families that are burdened with the need to care for their own needs, and those of their children. I am always amazed at how quickly the comments turn to, "well if they don't... then I will cut them off and they will never see the children again." How tragic!! Especially if a comment or two showing that person how to support them could ease tension tremendously. It is within our world-view to think that the way I do things is the best and only way that something should be done. Disagreements are then a tug-of-war, a power struggle over who is right. When the focus is on how to best support the family, the relationship, the marriage, it is no longer about power, who wins or loses, but how to help each person, each family unit get to their goals.

Church families draw together people from different backgrounds, with different mindsets on how to interact with the world, and set up new areas of disagreement. Only problem is, since different backgrounds guarantee conflict, most often the conversations/disagreements aren't over what the other person thinks it is. Unless you know the rules of poverty or middle class or wealth, you won't have the information to connect relationally.



Destinations - Individually Tailored Curriculum By Ed Dickerson and Gail Showman
http://showcase.netins.net/web/nurture/RealQnA.html edickers@netins.net

Cooperation and Control - keeping them in balance

I realize that my previous blog was Guerrero rant worthy. What a frustrating week! I did have the opportunity to learn a lot from it though

My goal when I go into meetings with other people, other agencies, other professionals, even other family members is to see if we can find something that will work for everyone. Its the middle child in me - mediation, cooperation and flexibility are defining interactions for me. It can serve me well at times. There are other moments though, where I miss the mark and everything falls apart. This is another place then where when ever possible, I see if I can understand - as I am very analytical and I will ask questions whenever possible to find out why everything fell apart. If decisions aren't changed, the pattern is likely to continue, and a change in behavior is necessary to be successful. Honest feedback is an opportunity to improve, grow closer to someone else, and create a team where competition might have dominated. Focusing on a common goal, and each person or team bringing their strengths to the team, makes everyone else better, and more is accomplished during the same amount of time.

Individual backgrounds though, play a major factor in the outcome of any interaction.

When people come from a poverty background (whether generational or situational) survival is the daily focus and resources are in short supply (financial, relationships, emotional, integrity, support systems, role models), then control over who receives how much of those resources is critical to survival. The fights to establish dominance in every relationship, the deciding factor to who goes without and who has enough to go on. The conversation can include emotional outbursts, snide comments, insults and emotional/mental put-downs. All to control who manages the available resources and establishes dominance (ownership, because in poverty, people are possessions) and extreme possessiveness, to the point you have to get permission from the female (who has established dominance) in charge to do anything.


From a middle class background there is plenty to make it through the day and resources are plentiful. Possessions are things, so when hearing that someone else can't do something without permission it is a foreign concept and they encourage the person to break off the relationship. Control at that level is unheard of. The language used between spouses, friends, co-workers, associates will be the language of negotiation. An attempt to control the outcome of the negotiation will result in the end of negotiation, with no agreement worked out between the different parties involved. Unless, the people involved are able to manage their emotions, ignore the attempts to control, ignore their own emotional reaction, and continue to make suggestions as to how to work together. (I am sure from what I previously wrote you can see this is my frame of reference).

From a wealthy background, the resources are abundant, and a phone call or two will bring about the desired information. This is done by investing time where other people who have the resources already are. Its like financial investment, only its with people, so that when a relational withdrawal is needed, there is more then enough available to meet the needs. And if a relationship doesn't exist to meet the need, there are more than enough finances to pay to have it done (actually the preferred method for people in wealth, it saves having to relationally negotiate).

Language Poverty: Casual Register.
Language is about survival

Middle Class: Formal register.
Language is about negotiation.

Wealth: Formal register.
Language is about networking.


Imagine what happens in family relationships (in-laws too) where people are from different backgrounds. Holidays, money, relationships.... oh, lets not.

All information is from Bridges out of Poverty by Ruby Payne Ph.D. paraphrased from my own experiences with people from different backgrounds.

How to learn to network:
http://www.businesspundit.com/how-to-network-for-introverts/

How to learn to negotiate:
http://www.hodu.com/no-win.shtml

How to stop controlling behavior:
http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/7779/self_improvement_and_motivation/control_helplessness_and_love.html

How loss of vision and purpose occur.

Its been a long week this week - and part of it is due to the fact of controlling people needing the upper hand, all the time. I find it ironic at a point in life where I am an established professional, that there are still people who treat me as if I am not capable of basic tasks. The details in life, usually aren't that critical, however when the details become the main focus it seems like a significant loss of vision and purpose has occurred. This week I have been stonewalled, an apology ignored, and oh yes, told "not to fret" and I am really not the fretting type - most definitely the problem-solving type. However, each experience was framed in the manner that would give the other person the upper hand. (Interesting that when the other individuals used those relational attempts to control me that a profound feeling of helplessness occurred and the temptation was to give into their controlling behavior, or lash out in anger. I did neither but it wasn't an emotional experience I enjoyed).


I wonder then why do the details become so important, and I mean little things like where items are stored, who is allowed the keys to the items, seating charts, meal selections, which in-box an item is placed in, last minute scheduling glitches. Seriously - these must be life or death items due to the tenacity with which some people attack others (this week included me) over minor details.

I find it very sad when details trump the basics of connecting with others. Acknowledging and expressing appreciation that another person has joined the team and shares the vision and purpose of the team, I think are more important.
As someone who helps develop plans and goals, if only for myself, I find that input from others helps me define and specify exactly what I hope to accomplish. However when someone keeps bringing the focus back to their control of the details, and adds in some emotional blackmail, then what ends up happening is all the life, joy and fun is choked out of the relationship, and I am more likely to attempt to avoid being in that same situation again in the future.

Because I have experience meeting personal and professional goals previously, these attempts to control my behavior will (probably) have little effect as I process my own emotions. I will re-group. I will press forward, always hoping, seeking, looking for the opportunity to bless others again.

Be the blessing!!
Shoshannah

Teamwork - practicing working together for a common goal

I was reminded by a long-time family friend this weekend, as I shared my husband and my journey of being debt free, the importance of teamwork. Prior to getting married, my husband and I sat down and worked out a budget - how to pay for the wedding, part of the reception, and honeymoon. I had a budget in front of me - now to just make it work. I naively thought that one conversation would be enough, and that we were not only mentally on the same page but behaviorally on the same page. Life went on. Since we weren't married yet, we kept separate bank accounts as that seemed to me the proper thing to do. The next bank statement from his bank arrived, and since I cared more, I went to balance his account. I am afraid that both my husband and I are now traumatized by the name Mr. Beans, which I am sure is a lovely coffee shop, which also ended up with a lot of my then fiance's money. Unfortunately the following conversation... ok, argument that ensued not only traumatized myself and my fiance, but my sister who happened to be working on her wedding decorations in the other room.

During our pre-marital counseling our Counselor suggested having an agreed upon amount that either one of us could spend without needing approval from the other person. The amount he suggested $50-200 made me catch my breath - when we needed almost every dollar to pay bills, pay for the wedding and keep food in both houses. After we were married, and in the thick of the battle to get out of debt, in jest I told Jonathan I would agree to a $0.99 limit on purchases that we could make without approval from the other. Several days later a $0.99 purchase from iTunes came through the bank account, and a couple of days later a $0.89 purchase from Taco Bell. It made me laugh, but also allowed some freedom in decision-making that even for the moment made the difficult battle we were in easier to manage.

My first lesson learned, over a very long period of time, that not every plan we discuss will be executed perfectly. In fact it took us a long time to get on the same page financially - and we needed the assistance of Dave Ramsey to actually be successful. I hope that in the end I am more gracious when mistakes happen. Realizing that even though a conversation may have occurred the behaviors that will ensure success still have to be practiced in order to make everything work together. I do know that yelling, sniping, stonewalling and general irritability won't help. Its the conversation that is important - the analyzing what went wrong, deciding what additional supports are needed, and providing encouragement and a "soft place to fall" when the plan falls apart.

Budgeting together at first happened with difficulty. I however am proud that now we discuss our budget together, agree on the amount we will spend on different items together, and work the plan together.

However I really wish the book "Crossing the Tracks for Love" by Ruby Payne Ph.D. had been available before I married. I think I would have had been more understanding of where my husband was coming from in his thinking about money. I am hoping it is also helpful in the areas of parenting, in-law relationships, and other hot button marriage issues.

Blessed - speaking the language of heaven

http://www.hpindahouse.org/dialogues/dialogues.html#

Here is part of a dialogue I shared, discussing how to be a blessing in the lives of others.

Be the Blessing!!

Shoshannah