Marriage and Finances Connection

There are certain issues that come up in every marriage:

1) a failure of communication 2) financial difficulties

3) sexual difficulties

4) problems with in-laws

5) disagreements over child rearing

 are some of the discussions that are likely to occur in a young or even a seasoned marriage.

 I was incredibly surprised at the role finances plays in a marriage relationship. A study completed by the University of Virgina (the Marriage Project) called "Bank on it: Thrifty couples are the happiest" (2009), specifically addressed the effect of financial stress on a marriage. Specifically, financial stress on the wife, has a significant impact on the outcome of the marriage particularly since "65% of divorces are initiated by women". (U.S. Census Bureau )  According to the research on finances and Marriage "Consumer debt is an equal-opportunity marriage destroyer. It does not matter if couples are rich or poor, working class or middle class. If they accrue substantial debt, it puts a strain on their marriage." In fact feeling that a partner spends money unwisely, shows a 45% increase in the likelihood either party will initiate a divorce. Ranking 3rd behind extra-marital affairs, and substance/alcohol abuse.

Since I am pretty new still to the marriage scene, I thought I would also then check out some of the ways to increase the likelihood of a happy union. Interestingly enough (from the same research) a couple with no assets were 70% more likely to divorce after 36 months, than a couple with $10,000.00 in assets. Having done the Dave Ramsey plan, perhaps the best investment in our marriage is our emergency fund of 3-6 months.

Perhaps you have heard that the divorce statistics are 50% of marriages today are likely to fail What's kind of sad about the whole thing is that often those failed marriages are among the same group of people, someone who married prior to the age of 21, is a high school drop-out, and is non-religious. For some people the likelihood of divorce is significantly lower.

Annual income over $50,000 (vs. under $25,000):    30% decrease in likelihood of divorce

Having a baby 7 months or more after marriage (vs. before marriage):   24% decrease in likelihood of divorce

Marrying over the age of 25 years (vs. under 18):   24% decrease in likelihood of divorce.

Own family of origin intact (vs. divorced parents): 14% decrease in likelihood of divorce

Religious affiliation (vs. none):   14% decrease in likelihood of divorce

Some College (vs. high school dropout): 13% decrease in likelihood of divorce.

 (The State of our Unions 2007)

What I like about this information is that  there is something that can still be done, even if you married young, dropped out of school and/or had a baby before marriage. Going to school, increasing family income, and participating in a faith community, will all positively impact your marriage and decrease the likelihood of divorce. And for husbands out there, maybe the best gift you ever give your wife, and your marriage, is investing in an emergency fund, even having a smaller emergency fund of $1000.00 will significantly increase marital satisfaction for your wife.

http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=1581450690664007156

How to Change your Behavior

With the new year - I am always inspired to try something new - the only exception to that was the end of 2008. My husband and I were 8 weeks away from becoming debt free. All of our energy and focus was directed toward finishing the goal, not starting something new. Here at the start of 2010 - I am once again looking at what I want to change, what I want to be different, how I want to be different after 2010. My reason: I want to improve myself, my family, my future for my husband and our future children. There might be other reasons to change though, such as:

Pain-Motivated Change

Change Created by Being Pulled Toward New Behavior
Change Forced by a Push from Someone Else or by Circumstances
http://www.learningplaceonline.com/therapy/motivates.htm

The hard part of course is making the behavior changes stick. Learning the new skills necessary to make the change, can be just as challenging as actually changing behaviors. Don't be surprised if you feel a sense of loss, even if it is a change for the better. Leaving the familiar, the safe, is always stressful, and choosing stress, when dealing with stress due to environment (i.e. job, family, health, finances) may seem too much to handle.

When dealing with changes expect to experience an increase in the unwanted actions - due to the familiarity of the behavior that is being extinguished. Also continually practice adding positives (toward your goal), to keep busy and help your brain re-organize around a new structure of activity. The new structure, is actually essential to creating change, or you might sink into destructive behavior due to learned helplessness.


Phase of numbing that usually lasts from a few hours to a week and may be interrupted by outbursts of extremely intense distress and/or anger.


Phase of yearning and searching for the lost figure lasting some months or sometimes for years.
Phase of disorganization and despair.
Phase of greater or less degree of organization. - John Bowlby Loss: Sadness and Depression

It may also be helpful to use the Holmes and Rahe stress inventory to recognize stressors you may currently be experiencing.  A score of 300+  gives you a 90% change of developing an illness, having an accident, or "blowing up" (you know, emotional meltdowns, aaack).

http://www.managingpressure.com/downloads/6_Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_inventory.pdf

There are two ways to work around the attachment/loss scenario, and the stress scenario that can impact an individual's ability to succeed. 

1. Educate yourself: Learn everything you can about what you want to become, what has worked for others and how to incorporate them into your life.
2. Find a Mentor: Someone who has gone through the process before, or perhaps never struggled because they were taught, or intuitively knew how to be successful in that area.

My husband and I used the Dave Ramsey plan to get out of debt (www.daveramsey.com), however we wouldn't have gotten that far without a personal connection, friends who are financially successful, who gave us the emotional boost to get started.

Teamwork - practicing working together for a common goal

I was reminded by a long-time family friend this weekend, as I shared my husband and my journey of being debt free, the importance of teamwork. Prior to getting married, my husband and I sat down and worked out a budget - how to pay for the wedding, part of the reception, and honeymoon. I had a budget in front of me - now to just make it work. I naively thought that one conversation would be enough, and that we were not only mentally on the same page but behaviorally on the same page. Life went on. Since we weren't married yet, we kept separate bank accounts as that seemed to me the proper thing to do. The next bank statement from his bank arrived, and since I cared more, I went to balance his account. I am afraid that both my husband and I are now traumatized by the name Mr. Beans, which I am sure is a lovely coffee shop, which also ended up with a lot of my then fiance's money. Unfortunately the following conversation... ok, argument that ensued not only traumatized myself and my fiance, but my sister who happened to be working on her wedding decorations in the other room.

During our pre-marital counseling our Counselor suggested having an agreed upon amount that either one of us could spend without needing approval from the other person. The amount he suggested $50-200 made me catch my breath - when we needed almost every dollar to pay bills, pay for the wedding and keep food in both houses. After we were married, and in the thick of the battle to get out of debt, in jest I told Jonathan I would agree to a $0.99 limit on purchases that we could make without approval from the other. Several days later a $0.99 purchase from iTunes came through the bank account, and a couple of days later a $0.89 purchase from Taco Bell. It made me laugh, but also allowed some freedom in decision-making that even for the moment made the difficult battle we were in easier to manage.

My first lesson learned, over a very long period of time, that not every plan we discuss will be executed perfectly. In fact it took us a long time to get on the same page financially - and we needed the assistance of Dave Ramsey to actually be successful. I hope that in the end I am more gracious when mistakes happen. Realizing that even though a conversation may have occurred the behaviors that will ensure success still have to be practiced in order to make everything work together. I do know that yelling, sniping, stonewalling and general irritability won't help. Its the conversation that is important - the analyzing what went wrong, deciding what additional supports are needed, and providing encouragement and a "soft place to fall" when the plan falls apart.

Budgeting together at first happened with difficulty. I however am proud that now we discuss our budget together, agree on the amount we will spend on different items together, and work the plan together.

However I really wish the book "Crossing the Tracks for Love" by Ruby Payne Ph.D. had been available before I married. I think I would have had been more understanding of where my husband was coming from in his thinking about money. I am hoping it is also helpful in the areas of parenting, in-law relationships, and other hot button marriage issues.