Practice, Practice, Practice

I remember the feel of the smooth keys underneath my fingertips, the rolling sounds as I played scales, and the triumph of hitting the correct notes and hearing music. My favorite part was realizing the music came from my hard work, and the extra time I had put in practicing the notes, the rhythm and the timing.

Its similar to what I experience now as I assist clients in managing painful emotions surrounding relational interactions with other family members. As I learn how to guide clients through difficult conversations and maintain the integrity of their relationships, I often feel so clumsy. I remember one of the first discussions I worked with a client on how to manage anger, and the individuals involved started their argument from the night before again, in my presence. As I worked to help them identify emotions, express the emotion, use I messages and state what they needed from each other, it seemed as though my tongue swelled up and the words stuck in my throat. Instead I sat on the edge of the group observing a verbal tennis game, with verbal assaults launched at each other with precise accuracy, as I occasionally stuttered an attempt to calm everyone down. Let me comment, that at that moment saying "It will be ok" and "we can work together" had almost no effect on people accustomed to verbally lacerating each other. I was glad to escape that meeting with minimal emotional damage myself. Practicing the skills of safely intervening, de-escalation and focusing on strengths, on the fly so to speak, definitely helped me become more familiar with how arguments occur, the emotions involved, and the habits developed in communication(good and bad.... ok, mostly bad).

New skills whether it is to learn a musical instrument, learn a new sport, or create a new way of interacting with others, are best learned through continual practice. If you don't practice the piano, its harder to tell when you hit an incorrect note. If you don't practice your sport of choice, the stamina and ball handling skills are awkward and it makes it difficult to participate as a team. If you don't practice postive, strength based interactions with other people, you will fall back on habits that are less likely to bring about the relational closeness you want.

Next time I will post the spheres of grace interlocking relationships grid. Let's hope I can figure out how to post it online.

An Observer

As we go through this journey together, I want to clarify a couple of important issues.
1. Spheres of Grace is my own creation, however the majority of the material used to provide credibility to this way of thinking, is the accomplishments of wiser more educated people than I.

2.I am simply an observer of human behavior, watching the interactions of my clients, friends, family and people who pass by me on a daily basis, learning from my mistakes more than anything else. While observing, I will attempt to identify the behavior that is helping or hindering the individual(s) in developing or maintaining healthy relationships. Once on my own, I take time to think about and process what I have observed. I research, as thoroughly as I am able, drawing from the wisdom of philosophers, theologians, psychologists, educators and many others who have found a grain of truth within their field of study. Unfortunately, the information usually stays within that field of study.

It is because of my curiosity that I will often try to combine different ways of thinking to see what the outcome might be. For example: what if the philosophy behind C.S. Lewis "The Four Loves" is combined with research on human bonding by Donald Joy Ph.D.? How might my behavior change when I apply that knowledge? When looking for solutions to relational snags, it is often difficult to find what I am looking for, and I spend valuable time looking for help, rather than applying that help to my own thoughts, behaviors and words.

So at the beginning now, this is my hope, that "what" will help relationships grow in a healthy manner will be easily accessible and God will be glorified, through increasingly joyful and harmonious friendships, marriages, families and communities.

Be the Blessing!

Becoming Grace

Each of us interacts daily with people that we rely on for affection, love and support. However, who we want to be the people who support our spiritual journey, are not always the people we would choose. Sometimes our family members are more resistant to participating in spiritual conversations, and a close co-worker or family member from our spouse's family take up that role.

What is important is connecting weekly with a group of people who support you, nurture your spiritual development, and help you find insight and grace in God's word.

The journey with people through life, as you experience and share grace, is expressed among the spheres of influence with people around you. Part of the journey might be grieving the fact you are not as close to someone as you wish you could be. However, experiencing these emotions will make you more aware of the needs of others around you, and my hope is that you are able to discover the tools, the resiliency and the grace to meet those needs.