Filled with Good Things

Making sure that I am choosing healthy foods, and drinking lots of fluids (water), keeps me occupied lately... As well as school, work, family, and being married. I realized the other day though, that just as I need to make sure that I am filling up on good things to eat, I need to make sure that how I interact with others in my life needs to be focused on good things as well. It really was a light bulb moment for me. For so long, I have thought that what another person brings into the relationship,  low emotional resources, low self-esteem, or low confidence, are their problem, and if they desire to change, then they will. Its not my responsibility.

Let me clarify... It's not my responsibility to change another person, that belongs to the Holy Spirit. It's not my responsibility to make another person seek help for a personal issue that is so blatantly obvious to me. :) It is my responsibility to make sure that what another person receives from me is a grace-filled, gentle, over-overwhelmingly positive..... blessing.  Ellen G. White talks about speaking in blessings in her book "Thoughts from the Mount of Blessings." The beatitudes in fact are the language of heaven, and blessings pour out of its residents, like one speaks a native language.

Looking at past clients with whom I have worked with new vision, I realized that some of them have no one who will bless them with anything as small (but can mean more than anything) kind words, and hugs, and hope for their future. If they have nothing kind, gentle or thoughtful in their hearts and minds from past experience, then me telling them about using kind words, or communicating affection, or finding something caring to do for another is like having a visitor in my house who only speaks Greek. We won't communicate. Instead, providing the experience of kindness, gentleness and thoughtfulness, and then drawing on the times in our relationship where those things have been experienced, may provide a catalyst for change. 

My Problem with Evangelism

This is meant to be a companion piece to the following blog:
http://spheresofgrace.blogspot.com/2010/05/broken-hearts.html

In the Adventist church, there is a pattern of using large evangelistic meetings in order to win people to Christ and the Adventist church. Its a style of evangelism that began in the early to mid 20th century, and the Adventist church has not changed the style of large outreach programs since then. Here is my main issue with this style of evangelism - in a matter of months an individual, couple or family, is expected to change their belief system, and take on the doctrines of the Adventist church. Having been raised an Adventist, this isn't an issue for me, because I am already familiar. However, this is a significant issue for people in my community, especially a state like Iowa where families are often connected emotionally, through their shared spiritual identity. If ven one individual, couple or family changing their belief system, it will change the way a family interacts, especially since Adventism changes the way one even organizes their week. This change can have a huge impact on an extended family system, including causing harm to the family system.

I realize that when the spiritual conviction overwhelms a person, that in order to follow his will completely, it may come at a cost. Luke 12:51 says "Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, but division."  I, however, am completely at peace with leaving that kind of conviction, that will change an entire family system, to the Holy Spirit.  For me, once again I "believe it will take a generation of caring (individually and as a church body) about an individual, their accomplishments and their relationships, before they will consider taking the steps of belief, and establishing a relationship with Christ", and someday it might also include being a part of the Seventh Day Adventist Church.

Touched

There is a term sometimes that is used when emotional overload has occurred due to a thoughtful, meaningful, caring action or comment made by another person... When saying "thank you" just doesn't seem enough, "I am touched," creates the visual image of how meaningful an action meant.  Our skin is the largest organ of our bodies, providing protection from infection, and providing neural input to the brain constantly. In fact in infants,  taste and smell are their primary way of seeking out the familiar in their environment. But touch, is the way that infants learn at first, who is the one who loves me, cares for me, means "the world" to me.  In the 1950s Dr Ashley Montagu observed "the death rate of infants under one year of age in Institutions for Abandoned children was nearly 100%." (Attached at the Heart, Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker).  Even  if basic needs such as feeding and diapering occur, if that is the only touch an infant receives, in is not enough to live on.

This is what I think is sad though, the most touch a person receives is often in infancy and toddler hood. That means that the likelihood of being physically touched in a gentle, nurturing, loving way significantly decreases as child grows, but the need for touch does not decrease. Touch continues to benefit a child's physiological well being, showing decreased symptoms in children who have "asthma, autism, cancer, diabetes, depression, and attention disorders." (The Connected Child, Karen Purvis, Ph.D, David r. Cross Ph.D and Wendy Lyons Sunshine). Studies of Attachment Theory have shown the children need at least 11 touches a day, but 100 touches are even better. Even in therapeutic treatment, hugs are necessary for emotional growth and enjoyment in life “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” (Virgina Satir). Observation of abused and abanoned children has shown a type of skin hunger, where children "scheme to get touch even though is in the form of more abuse" (Donald M. Joy Ph.D).

Now I am not advocating that you go out and touch everyone you meet. I am advocating for increased gentle, nurturing touch of the people who mean the most to you, your spouse in particular, and your children/grandchildren next. Touching will increase the quality of attachment in a relationship, and help protect the relationship during developmentally appropriate life changes, increased stress (job, finances), illness, and grief. Hugs, foot massages, back massages, kisses, pats on the back, squeezing their hand, and a stroke on the cheek, all provide the gentle touch needed. And most importantly, will bless the people in your life, that mean the most to you.