Give the Gift of Collaboration

As I watch friends plan and attend holiday parties and also participate in holiday festivities myself - I observe there is the pressure of enjoying the holidays, in combination with spending time with people we don't get along with during the year. I have devoted the last couple of months to the in-law relationships, hoping additional insights into familial interactions, will help people enjoy spending time with family members that often spend time in conflict with each other.
Raised by a woman without a Mother and not having a traditional school experience with other females, learning to get along with female in-laws represents a unique challenge for me. Rejection, criticism and marginalization were all experienced in the "world." At home, the expectation was that of inclusion, and finding ways to get along with others. The vulnerability that came from relationships with women, because they are important to the men in your life, can emotionally bring a person to her knees over and over again, because they don't follow the same rules I grew up with. This is a forced vulnerability because they have access to all your weaknesses, struggles, and pain, without the choice of choosing the relationship with them (the important man in your life brought the relationships together). No wonder conflict can ensue.

What do you want from me? By Terri Apter provides incredible insight, case studies, and research into in-law relationships. Primarily focusing on the main areas of conflict - the Mother/daughter-in-law relationship. My favorite quote describes the way that the forced vulnerability of the in-law relationship could be used to their relationships advantage. "Each person could win if the relationships became collaborative, if each, instead of confronting each other, would celebrate and reassure each other." Terri Apter.

It spurred on so much thought into how inflexibility causes destruction to relationships.  I have seen and experienced within in-law relationships, that it becomes an experience of learning to live, relate and plan without the other, whether it is mother/daughter/sister-in-law. That is a dangerous precedent to set - because the other person will learn to live, relate, and plan, without you. Negotiation, respect, and appreciation for the role each woman has in the family is important. Real inclusion as defined by Terri Apter "Involves acceptance of who you are and respect for your thoughts in wishes." It is my hope that this may be experienced this Holiday Season, as this reassurance recognizes each woman as the primary woman, in her primary family, and allows for the diversity of each family to enlarge and bless the entire family.

Merry Christmas!! And Happy New Year!!

Who is in charge?

Getting through holiday tension among adults requires a bit of a road-map to understand the relationship dynamics that are likely to be playing out in front of you. For the most part, traditions (relational, emotional, type traditions) appear to pass from Mother to Daughter, so it is likely that a priority will be placed on the wife/mother's side of the family for holiday get-together's. I think it is important to keep this in mind, so that adjustments and negotiations can take place in a reasonable manner. (I rarely see the wife/mother give up a preferred holiday to her in-laws (however I am blessed to know some truly sweet people who are not so territorial), so coming to peace with it emotionally is very important for all people involved). However, this is complicated by hidden rules of class when the argument over holiday get-together's ensue.

Poverty Mindset - Matriarchal structure, female in charge makes the rules (may be posturing for which female is most dominate, the care-giver of children usually wins), everyone else submits or deal with being  emotionally/physically punished. Women in poverty are primarily friends with the females in their family of origin ( so this is very insular/protected group of people). Men play the role of fighter in an argument, and will fight to defend their woman's honor/choices. This is why some events end in a brawl, and everyone gathers together again next year.

Middle-Class: Patriarchal structure, negotiation sets the tone of conversation , self-governance is the view of interactions, so everyone is responsible for getting along. If an argument breaks out, the two involved will usually end it because arguing in public is a breach of the rules. The argument is usually resolved by negotiating an outcome agreeable to both parties.

Wealth:  The question of day is - who has the most $. Family members react of not wanting to upset the person who has the most money. A great example of this is the movie "The Ultimate Gift."   Your own children might not be as important, as staying in good graces with the person in charge.

Evident Weakenesses:

Poverty: Emotional Punishment for those who go against the Female's wishes

Middle-Class: Triangulation (team up with someone else)

Wealth; Fawning, sucking up, using others to get to the family fortune,  etc

When families with several generations gather together, there is also the challenge of family members marrying individuals who follow the hidden rules of another class group, and they are all gathered together at the same holiday event. Peace on earth is usually not the memorable experience.  So to smooth over those troubles keep in mind to keep practicing the "Adult Voice."

Use of the Adult Voice is crucial - whether you think the other person is acting like an adult or not. In fact, the more parentified a person was as a child, the more important it is to use the "Adult Voice" because even though they are likely to act like a child, to treat them like a child by using the "Parent Voice" will be the biggest insult of all. Keep practicing the "Adult Voice", it may ease high tension moments enough, to let everyone de-escalate.

Ultimately situations that involve the most conflict, need to be handled by the related individual. Conflict with my family is addressed whenever possible my me, so that I can help my husband and my family learn to emotionally and relationally invest in each other. The same is true with my husband's family, because he has the relationship with his family members, he is the person who connects us to them. This also means that I have learned to just mind my own business, because even if my family wouldn't handle it that way, his does, and that began long before my joining the family. My hope is that his Mom has had time to adjust, and not experienced too many demands to change. If I want to do something that involves his family, I ask my husband, and that means recognizing some areas are off limits and when he is ready, he will move forward on it.

This also ties in well to concepts from  "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work." John Gottman Ph.D.

#4: Let Your Partner Influence You. It is important to maintain your own identity in a relationship, but it is equally important to yield to your partner and give in. If both partners allow one another this influence, then they will learn to respect one another on a deeper level.

References to Hidden Rules of Class from "Crossing the Tracks for Love. Ruby Payne,Ph.D.

Seeing our family as they are...

In honor of the holiday season, and the multitude of opportunities to connect and visit with family members, I thought I would highlight the immediate and extended family relationships. I think there is a tendency to take a "mental picture" of an individual and place it in a frame, and from there forward when I interact with this person, this is how I see them. The cousin that was a drunk, the sibling that was a goof off, the couple who are poor, raising a family and struggling to make ends meet. Sibling rivalry can also factor in, who gets everyone's attention, competition over who is more successful, who is married, who has children, and whose physical appearance is the best. It can really feel like a transport back in time to younger days, when problem-solving skills were less available, and emotion management required parental assistance  However, its not really fair to someone who has gone through rehab, grown-up and carrying adult responsibilities, and the couple who have sacrificed and worked hard to create a life for their family. I think it would be fair to say, if they hold down a job, volunteer, or run a household, they are more than able to relate to each other in the "adult voice."  I wish that it was easier to change roles, to let other's change roles in our "mental picture of them, and to allow others the freedom to grow-up, become successful, and allow them to learn from their mistakes/successes. Perhaps then there are some key components missing when interacting with adults that we have shared a lifetime, or a portion of our life with. If there is a skill to practice, refine, and integrate into daily interactions it would be that of the "Adult Voice."



Practicing the skills of the adult voice takes time. For individuals who have parented themselves or others (as a child) , it can feel as if you are losing control of your own future, when in fact it allows others to invest relationally and emotionally in you. In fact, I observe such a lack of the "adult voice" in so many interactions, personally and professionally, I think it may be a key, if not the key, to more reciprocal relationships. Thinking this through, with the desired outcome in mind,  if relationships, especially in a family become more reciprocal, it might lead to... dare I say it....Friendship.

Creating a team out of Family.

Every family is challenged with the ability to work together as a team. It is a dream of mine when I have children who then marry (many many years from now, but its ok to dream), that each individual couple will develop their team, at the same time participating as a part of the larger team in the extended family.

Back to reality:  The moments when siblings get along, parents are emotionally stable, and extended family are in harmony with each other are few and far between as it is. During the holidays it is expected that those fleeting moments will condense into the 3-14 days a year everyone is in each others space. Having a plan is absolutely necessary and make sure to include activities that interest several different age groups, the connections created between aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins are sure to be the highlight. In doing so, it doesn't allow for many tense moments between adults. 

Since my hubby and I have worked so hard to develop team Guerrero these past 3 years, I have great hopes and dreams for the future.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Picture included complements of

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=789

 http://www.brianmac.co.uk/articles/scni13a2.htm

Understanding the Importance of Teamwork

Karlene Sugarman explains how you can assess and develop a cohesive team

The concept of teamwork is extremely important to the success of any team. All coaches talk about working as one unit, as a unified team. Teamwork and unselfishness create the backbone of a great team, without them a team cannot realistically compete. You can have a group of superstars, but if they do not work well as one unit, chances are they are not going to be as successful as you would think. The team working as one cohesive unit is going to be the key in their success.

What to look for

Here are some things to take into consideration when you are looking at your team:

1. Does your team have agreed-upon goals they created as a team?
2. Do the players openly encourage and support one another?
3. Do they have open communication with one another, as well as the coaching staff?
4. Does each player know what their role on the team is?
5. Is there mutual respect among the players and coaching staff?
6. Do players use statements such as "we" when referring to the team, or is it more of an "every man for himself" mentality?
7. Have they created a positive team image for themselves?
8. Are the individual contributions of each player recognised (regardless of whether he/she is a starter or not a starter)?
9. Is the team as a whole committed to improving performance?
10. Does each member consider themselves as a "team player?"

A productive team has players that share common goals, a common vision and have some level of interdependence that requires both verbal and physical interaction. Teams come into existence through shared attitudes about a particular sport. They may come together for a number of different reasons, but their goals are the same - to achieve peak performance and experience success. The ends may differ but the means by which one gets there is the same - teamwork. Every member of the team is accountable when it comes to teamwork.

 Teamwork

To succeed at the task in hand everyone involved needs to combine their efforts. If everyone does their job well, then it increases what the team can accomplish. This teamwork has to be recognised by everyone and know that great things can happen if individuals master the fundamentals and work together as one unit. Everyone has their own unique role, but each person's individual role must be recognised and appreciated.
Teamwork is something that must be a high priority and given constant attention. Every player needs to understand how important it is for them to work smoothly together if they want to be successful. Each player must be dedicated to the whole team and be willing to act unselfishly. When challenges arise (as they always do), the team needs to have the resources, accountability and commitment to deal with them in a constructive and positive manner. A sense of teamwork will play an integral part in this.
Just remember T.E.A.M. - Together Everyone Achieves More!

About the Author

Karlene Sugarman is a Sport Psychology Consultant in the USA and the author of the book "Winning the Mental Way", a book on team building and mental training.

Article Reference

• Sugarman K. (2004), "Understanding the Importance of Teamwork", Brian Mackenzie's Successful Coaching (ISSN 1745-7513), Issue 13

If you are willing to drive to Marion IA, this opportunity is for you.

This is for anyone that is watching their budget this year. This year in an effort to help families who might be counting their pennies this year, and to ensure you are able have an annual family picture, but mostly to just to bless you. If you are willing to drive to Marion IA, this opportunity is for you. 

www.hpindahouse.org/documents/calendar.php

Additional Resources

http://www.hpindahouse.org/dialogues/dialogues.html


PDF information is available on the following at this website.

The hidden rules of class

10 qualities of resilient relationships - a great tool to assess current relationships. To recognize strengths and weaknesses in the relationship - not to end relationships (and to know where to start practicing new skills in relationships)

Internal and External Resources - the lack of which describes the level of poverty or the abundance of which describes the level of wealth a person is experiencing.

What motivates people to change - recognizing there are several different ways people come to the conclusion change is necessary.


I hope this is a blessing to you!!

The hidden rules of poverty, middle class and wealth - Ruby Payne Ph. D.

The hidden rules of class shape our behavior, impact our relationships, and create endless opportunities to offend or miss the mark when relating to others.

This is a frequent conversation at my house based on the rules of "time management" and the "Driving Forces" that influence our choices. With apologies to my hubby (not an actual conversation, but you see the main concepts).

Hubby and I sharing a day off - Vacation time to enjoy together. :)

Me: I need your help cleaning the car, cleaning the house, running errands and then we will find something fun to do.

Hubby: Why don't you just relax?

Me: Why don't you take the needs of our household seriously?

Hubby (getting irritated): I work hard all day, I just want to relax!

Me (also irritated): Fine, then who is going to get all of this done?

Hubby (done talking): ugh....

When we take vacation time together now - I take a day early to accomplish my list of things to do, so I know our home is running smoothly. Then hubby joins me with a day off to just relax. I hope this explains it somewhat. I want to post information from Rich Church, Poor Church, where I went in depth on some these concepts.

Hidden rules of class table is from "Crossing the Tracks for love" by Ruby Payne, Ph.D

In-love

The opportunity to hold a brand-new baby came along a couple of weeks ago, and I eagerly, although not too eagerly (I asked the new Mama first) accepted. Having recently gone through some of the research on newborns capabilities at birth (Your Amazing Newborn Marshall Klaus and Phyllis Klaus), I watched and observed to see how this little baby (all six lbs of her) would react to being held by a stranger. As I watched her gaze, slightly clouded, searching my face and the face of the person next to me, her Mama started to talk. I held her in my lap guarded by my hands so she couldn't roll over, but her head had some freedom to move around. When she heard her Mama's voice, she turned her head to the left and up, and up, and up some more, searching for her Mama's face. I wonder if her Mama knew how much her little one desperately wanted her Mama, the one constant and safe person she had known the previous 9 months. I mentioned to her Mama that the little one was looking for her, and eventually she came over and picked her up again. I don't know if her Mama knows how desperately in-love her little girl is with her Mama, but I hope they grow in-love together, as no one else can meet her needs for mothering, like this woman blessed with this child. I also recognized how deep the ache, the desperation to feel the love of the Father in our lives, a hole that no one else can fill.

Navigation: R \ Rich Mullins \ If I Stand

There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the giver
Of all good things

CHORUS:
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegence
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

CHORUS(2x)

And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

Are you looking for Christian Mp3s or Cds? Click here to buy all the latest Christian music from Amazon.com.

If you want the sheet music, the best place we found is www.sheetmusicplus.com

Communication - How am I supposed to know, if you don't tell me?

I have this intense need to plan things. In fact, if you ask my husband, he would probably say that I over plan things. Fortunately for him as well, I have never subscribed to the silly notion that a husband must know what I am thinking/wanting because I am his wife. If I need/want something, I say it. Also if I am thinking about something pertaining to our future, I say it. We might be months away from being able to make a decision, but I am looking over the possible outcomes and asking for his opinion on how he thinks we should handle it.

One of our areas of discussion has included our goals for our family. (Jonathan and I used Destinations - I will include information about Destinations at the end of the blog). The two of us sat down together and discussed our personal views on Academia, Social Interactions, Physical Care and Overall goals that are important but might not fit into any specific category. Given that it is most likely that my husband and I will both be over the age of 30 when we have children, our goals are likely to change, based on additional experience, education and relationships we have developed since 2006. However as I am looking over our goals again today, I see that our values haven't changed, the tools we use to get there, and our priorities are most likely to change.

Learning more about the mindsets behind poverty experiences, middle-class experience and wealthy experiences, means that I might suggest to my husband we look more closely at manners, discipline, and planning for the long term. Both of us have come from some form of low-income experiences, mine primarily situational, meaning in my case, I experienced poverty, but lived in poverty with middle-class values on discipline/destiny, education and time. I want to make sure that we teach our children how to better themselves in the world (achievement, self-governance and education focused), and pray we don't fall into the self-destructive mindsets of poverty (drama, gossip, unable to change the future, lack of discipline). However, I am off on several tangents....

Here is our list.

1. Personal walk with God
2. Character
3. Sustain and maintain relationships
4. Love of learning
5. Take care of self
6. Learn to Think
7. Creativity.

Why do I share our personal goals? Because how can anyone support us if they don't know what the goals in our life are? Its easy to become bitter and angry with specific people in our personal lives (parents, siblings, in-laws, best friends)when they don't support the goals that we want. However the responsibility for demonstrating to those same people how to support lies within the person. It is only in communicating those goals, that others can come along side, support and join the team, even if by sharing stories, or telling jokes to ease the stress.

I meet with a lot of families that are burdened with the need to care for their own needs, and those of their children. I am always amazed at how quickly the comments turn to, "well if they don't... then I will cut them off and they will never see the children again." How tragic!! Especially if a comment or two showing that person how to support them could ease tension tremendously. It is within our world-view to think that the way I do things is the best and only way that something should be done. Disagreements are then a tug-of-war, a power struggle over who is right. When the focus is on how to best support the family, the relationship, the marriage, it is no longer about power, who wins or loses, but how to help each person, each family unit get to their goals.

Church families draw together people from different backgrounds, with different mindsets on how to interact with the world, and set up new areas of disagreement. Only problem is, since different backgrounds guarantee conflict, most often the conversations/disagreements aren't over what the other person thinks it is. Unless you know the rules of poverty or middle class or wealth, you won't have the information to connect relationally.



Destinations - Individually Tailored Curriculum By Ed Dickerson and Gail Showman
http://showcase.netins.net/web/nurture/RealQnA.html edickers@netins.net

Cooperation and Control - keeping them in balance

I realize that my previous blog was Guerrero rant worthy. What a frustrating week! I did have the opportunity to learn a lot from it though

My goal when I go into meetings with other people, other agencies, other professionals, even other family members is to see if we can find something that will work for everyone. Its the middle child in me - mediation, cooperation and flexibility are defining interactions for me. It can serve me well at times. There are other moments though, where I miss the mark and everything falls apart. This is another place then where when ever possible, I see if I can understand - as I am very analytical and I will ask questions whenever possible to find out why everything fell apart. If decisions aren't changed, the pattern is likely to continue, and a change in behavior is necessary to be successful. Honest feedback is an opportunity to improve, grow closer to someone else, and create a team where competition might have dominated. Focusing on a common goal, and each person or team bringing their strengths to the team, makes everyone else better, and more is accomplished during the same amount of time.

Individual backgrounds though, play a major factor in the outcome of any interaction.

When people come from a poverty background (whether generational or situational) survival is the daily focus and resources are in short supply (financial, relationships, emotional, integrity, support systems, role models), then control over who receives how much of those resources is critical to survival. The fights to establish dominance in every relationship, the deciding factor to who goes without and who has enough to go on. The conversation can include emotional outbursts, snide comments, insults and emotional/mental put-downs. All to control who manages the available resources and establishes dominance (ownership, because in poverty, people are possessions) and extreme possessiveness, to the point you have to get permission from the female (who has established dominance) in charge to do anything.


From a middle class background there is plenty to make it through the day and resources are plentiful. Possessions are things, so when hearing that someone else can't do something without permission it is a foreign concept and they encourage the person to break off the relationship. Control at that level is unheard of. The language used between spouses, friends, co-workers, associates will be the language of negotiation. An attempt to control the outcome of the negotiation will result in the end of negotiation, with no agreement worked out between the different parties involved. Unless, the people involved are able to manage their emotions, ignore the attempts to control, ignore their own emotional reaction, and continue to make suggestions as to how to work together. (I am sure from what I previously wrote you can see this is my frame of reference).

From a wealthy background, the resources are abundant, and a phone call or two will bring about the desired information. This is done by investing time where other people who have the resources already are. Its like financial investment, only its with people, so that when a relational withdrawal is needed, there is more then enough available to meet the needs. And if a relationship doesn't exist to meet the need, there are more than enough finances to pay to have it done (actually the preferred method for people in wealth, it saves having to relationally negotiate).

Language Poverty: Casual Register.
Language is about survival

Middle Class: Formal register.
Language is about negotiation.

Wealth: Formal register.
Language is about networking.


Imagine what happens in family relationships (in-laws too) where people are from different backgrounds. Holidays, money, relationships.... oh, lets not.

All information is from Bridges out of Poverty by Ruby Payne Ph.D. paraphrased from my own experiences with people from different backgrounds.

How to learn to network:
http://www.businesspundit.com/how-to-network-for-introverts/

How to learn to negotiate:
http://www.hodu.com/no-win.shtml

How to stop controlling behavior:
http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/7779/self_improvement_and_motivation/control_helplessness_and_love.html

How loss of vision and purpose occur.

Its been a long week this week - and part of it is due to the fact of controlling people needing the upper hand, all the time. I find it ironic at a point in life where I am an established professional, that there are still people who treat me as if I am not capable of basic tasks. The details in life, usually aren't that critical, however when the details become the main focus it seems like a significant loss of vision and purpose has occurred. This week I have been stonewalled, an apology ignored, and oh yes, told "not to fret" and I am really not the fretting type - most definitely the problem-solving type. However, each experience was framed in the manner that would give the other person the upper hand. (Interesting that when the other individuals used those relational attempts to control me that a profound feeling of helplessness occurred and the temptation was to give into their controlling behavior, or lash out in anger. I did neither but it wasn't an emotional experience I enjoyed).


I wonder then why do the details become so important, and I mean little things like where items are stored, who is allowed the keys to the items, seating charts, meal selections, which in-box an item is placed in, last minute scheduling glitches. Seriously - these must be life or death items due to the tenacity with which some people attack others (this week included me) over minor details.

I find it very sad when details trump the basics of connecting with others. Acknowledging and expressing appreciation that another person has joined the team and shares the vision and purpose of the team, I think are more important.
As someone who helps develop plans and goals, if only for myself, I find that input from others helps me define and specify exactly what I hope to accomplish. However when someone keeps bringing the focus back to their control of the details, and adds in some emotional blackmail, then what ends up happening is all the life, joy and fun is choked out of the relationship, and I am more likely to attempt to avoid being in that same situation again in the future.

Because I have experience meeting personal and professional goals previously, these attempts to control my behavior will (probably) have little effect as I process my own emotions. I will re-group. I will press forward, always hoping, seeking, looking for the opportunity to bless others again.

Be the blessing!!
Shoshannah

Teamwork - practicing working together for a common goal

I was reminded by a long-time family friend this weekend, as I shared my husband and my journey of being debt free, the importance of teamwork. Prior to getting married, my husband and I sat down and worked out a budget - how to pay for the wedding, part of the reception, and honeymoon. I had a budget in front of me - now to just make it work. I naively thought that one conversation would be enough, and that we were not only mentally on the same page but behaviorally on the same page. Life went on. Since we weren't married yet, we kept separate bank accounts as that seemed to me the proper thing to do. The next bank statement from his bank arrived, and since I cared more, I went to balance his account. I am afraid that both my husband and I are now traumatized by the name Mr. Beans, which I am sure is a lovely coffee shop, which also ended up with a lot of my then fiance's money. Unfortunately the following conversation... ok, argument that ensued not only traumatized myself and my fiance, but my sister who happened to be working on her wedding decorations in the other room.

During our pre-marital counseling our Counselor suggested having an agreed upon amount that either one of us could spend without needing approval from the other person. The amount he suggested $50-200 made me catch my breath - when we needed almost every dollar to pay bills, pay for the wedding and keep food in both houses. After we were married, and in the thick of the battle to get out of debt, in jest I told Jonathan I would agree to a $0.99 limit on purchases that we could make without approval from the other. Several days later a $0.99 purchase from iTunes came through the bank account, and a couple of days later a $0.89 purchase from Taco Bell. It made me laugh, but also allowed some freedom in decision-making that even for the moment made the difficult battle we were in easier to manage.

My first lesson learned, over a very long period of time, that not every plan we discuss will be executed perfectly. In fact it took us a long time to get on the same page financially - and we needed the assistance of Dave Ramsey to actually be successful. I hope that in the end I am more gracious when mistakes happen. Realizing that even though a conversation may have occurred the behaviors that will ensure success still have to be practiced in order to make everything work together. I do know that yelling, sniping, stonewalling and general irritability won't help. Its the conversation that is important - the analyzing what went wrong, deciding what additional supports are needed, and providing encouragement and a "soft place to fall" when the plan falls apart.

Budgeting together at first happened with difficulty. I however am proud that now we discuss our budget together, agree on the amount we will spend on different items together, and work the plan together.

However I really wish the book "Crossing the Tracks for Love" by Ruby Payne Ph.D. had been available before I married. I think I would have had been more understanding of where my husband was coming from in his thinking about money. I am hoping it is also helpful in the areas of parenting, in-law relationships, and other hot button marriage issues.

Blessed - speaking the language of heaven

http://www.hpindahouse.org/dialogues/dialogues.html#

Here is part of a dialogue I shared, discussing how to be a blessing in the lives of others.

Be the Blessing!!

Shoshannah

Mistakes are the Jungle Gym of Adulthood

Trust plays a vital role in growth. Imagine with me for a moment that you are seeking new information, a desire to learn is springing from deep within, and you want to find out as much as you can. Then enters someone that every time you talk with or are around, their interactions result in you feeling helpless, incapable of making your own decisions, or controlled. What do you think might happen?

My observation is the result is someone who shuts down emotionally, in a protective manner because at that moment the vulnerability coming from the desire to learn, is short-circuited by feeling incredibly helpless, and the risk of learned helplessness is increased. Vulnerability and being helpless are in fact the flip side of the same coin.

Imagine with me again, that when you are seeking out new information, are learning more from your environment, that it is really a child like moment. The lack of experience, or the lack of education, creating a beginning of a journey of discovery. What an exciting and profound moment. However, those moments are quickly met with mistakes as new skills are learned, and a lack of skill is identified. Then a Teacher or someone else with more experience and/or knowledge comes along and says "You shouldn't do it that way" (see table below), then the moment of vulnerability has been made into a moment of helplessness and a lack of capability is embarrassingly displayed for all to see. If that moment is re-framed into a question of "what did you learn?" then instead of learning helplessness, an individual is able to practice a skill.

I am fortunate enough that I grew up with parents whose idea of a mistake was to say "ok, new data." It wasn't even identified as a mistake, just recognized as a clumsy attempt, that didn't meet the desired goal. However, with "new data" another attempt at trying again, was a conversation, a journaling session, a time of reflection away. With practice, a new skill could be attained, and this lack of judgment also meant that trust was created between my parents and myself.


For others not as fortunate as myself, the key is often found in first recognizing the issue. Those who struggle with addiction often aren't even able to be helped until the addiction is recognized by the person who is addicted, because ownership of the issue by the person affected is necessary to get the process started. So it is in other areas of personal pain as well, ownership of the issues is necessary to get the process started.

Ruby Payne Ph.D. in Bridges out of Poverty (see below) describes how the three voices are important in an individual's development. A child voice, one of whining, negative attitudes, as well as spontaneity and playfulness is a helpless voice, dependent on others for assistance in working out personal issues with others. Many children today for one reason or another, have had to parent themselves, siblings, or even their parents, so they developed the parent voice early on in life, this voice may be judgmental, or supportive but always is the voice of authority. When children have to parent themselves or others, the third voice, the voice of an adult is not developed. The voice of an adult is an attitude of win-win, conversations often include negotiation as needs are assessed and each person works toward a compromise. This internal voice, in fact creates space to be involved in another person's life, without requiring complete compliance with your own will.

Learning the "adult voice" (see below) is also important, because it is how trust is developed, by allowing space to learn, and allowing that a different approach by someone else might work just as well, or even better than previous attempts. Mistakes then become the jungle gym of adulthood, and child-like vulnerability is rewarded. I think I have heard of child-like vulnerability being rewarded somewhere else before as well....

And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 18:2-6

Blessings,

Shoshannah

The Three Voices – From Bridges out of Poverty Ruby K.. Payne, Philip Devol, and Terie Dreussi Smith
The Child Voice*
Defensive, victimized, emotional, whining, losing attitude, strongly negative non-verbal
Playful, spontaneous, curious, etc.
- Quit picking on me
- You don’t love me
- You want me to leave
- Nobody likes (loves) me
- I hate you
- You’re ugly
- You make me sick
- It’s your fault
- Don’t blame me
- She, he _____ did it
- You make me mad
- You made me do it
The Parent Voice*
Authoritative, directive, judgmental, evaluative, win-lose mentality, demanding, punitive, sometimes threatening
The parent voice can also be very loving and supportive. The internal parent voice can create shame and guilt
- You shouldn’t (should) do that
- Its wrong (right) to do_____
- That’s stupid, immature, out of line, ridiculous
- Life’s not fair. Get busy.
- You are good, bad, worthless, beautiful (any judgmental, evaluative comment)
- You do as I say
- If you weren’t so ______. This wouldn’t happen to you.
- Why can’t you be like _____.
The Adult Voice
Non-judgmental, free of negative non-verbal, factual, often in question format, attitude of win-win.
- In what ways could this be resolved?
- What factors will be used to determine the effectiveness, quality of?
- I would like to recommend_____.
- What are choices in this situation?
- I am comfortable (uncomfortable) with_____
- Options that could be considered are_____.
- For me to be comfortable, I need the following things to occur_____.
- These are the consequences of that choice/action _______
- We agree to disagree

Spheres of Grace - touching the people in our lives with grace.

Before I married, I remember lots of times when I would say to God, "I just need to know you care about me, and it would really help if it came from someone with skin." From those moments of needing grace myself, I came to see that there are often other people in my life that I can show grace to and be Grace in their life, even if just for a moment.

(Kindness):This knowledge led me to try being open with more people around me, and looking for opportunities to show kindness to those I meet. I am naturally a quiet, shy, reserved individual with new people, so I am not naturally drawn to extroverted introductions and conversations with people I don't know. However, I could smile, say "Hi" and acknowledge someone and chat a little about how beautiful the day is, and in the process make a positive connection with another person.

(Dialogue): With this openness with strangers and people I don't know as well. I realized that not everyone I care about is going to have the same worldview, religious beliefs, or even personal style of interacting with others. Sometimes I might be offended, sometimes I might want to cheer another person on as discussions take place, however the discussion, the dialogue is what draws us closer to each other and to God.

"Friendship exhibits a glorious 'nearness by resemblance' to Heaven itself, where the very multitude of the blessed (which no man can number) increases the fruition which each has of God. For every soul, seeing Him in her own way, doubtless communicates that vision to all the rest." C.S. Lewis The Four Loves pg 62

(Growth): By far the most intense and challenging of all steps is where our very beliefs are challenged as people who drawn together in friendship start to confront and challenge others. Everything is on the table, beliefs, behaviors and perhaps even personal interactions, choices, lifestyle decisions creating a sense of humbleness and reliance on Him alone as community is created.

(Sharing Grace): This is a community of believers, seeking to share Grace with each other, their families (always and especially family members) and sharing true joy in worship.

Practice, Practice, Practice

I remember the feel of the smooth keys underneath my fingertips, the rolling sounds as I played scales, and the triumph of hitting the correct notes and hearing music. My favorite part was realizing the music came from my hard work, and the extra time I had put in practicing the notes, the rhythm and the timing.

Its similar to what I experience now as I assist clients in managing painful emotions surrounding relational interactions with other family members. As I learn how to guide clients through difficult conversations and maintain the integrity of their relationships, I often feel so clumsy. I remember one of the first discussions I worked with a client on how to manage anger, and the individuals involved started their argument from the night before again, in my presence. As I worked to help them identify emotions, express the emotion, use I messages and state what they needed from each other, it seemed as though my tongue swelled up and the words stuck in my throat. Instead I sat on the edge of the group observing a verbal tennis game, with verbal assaults launched at each other with precise accuracy, as I occasionally stuttered an attempt to calm everyone down. Let me comment, that at that moment saying "It will be ok" and "we can work together" had almost no effect on people accustomed to verbally lacerating each other. I was glad to escape that meeting with minimal emotional damage myself. Practicing the skills of safely intervening, de-escalation and focusing on strengths, on the fly so to speak, definitely helped me become more familiar with how arguments occur, the emotions involved, and the habits developed in communication(good and bad.... ok, mostly bad).

New skills whether it is to learn a musical instrument, learn a new sport, or create a new way of interacting with others, are best learned through continual practice. If you don't practice the piano, its harder to tell when you hit an incorrect note. If you don't practice your sport of choice, the stamina and ball handling skills are awkward and it makes it difficult to participate as a team. If you don't practice postive, strength based interactions with other people, you will fall back on habits that are less likely to bring about the relational closeness you want.

Next time I will post the spheres of grace interlocking relationships grid. Let's hope I can figure out how to post it online.

An Observer

As we go through this journey together, I want to clarify a couple of important issues.
1. Spheres of Grace is my own creation, however the majority of the material used to provide credibility to this way of thinking, is the accomplishments of wiser more educated people than I.

2.I am simply an observer of human behavior, watching the interactions of my clients, friends, family and people who pass by me on a daily basis, learning from my mistakes more than anything else. While observing, I will attempt to identify the behavior that is helping or hindering the individual(s) in developing or maintaining healthy relationships. Once on my own, I take time to think about and process what I have observed. I research, as thoroughly as I am able, drawing from the wisdom of philosophers, theologians, psychologists, educators and many others who have found a grain of truth within their field of study. Unfortunately, the information usually stays within that field of study.

It is because of my curiosity that I will often try to combine different ways of thinking to see what the outcome might be. For example: what if the philosophy behind C.S. Lewis "The Four Loves" is combined with research on human bonding by Donald Joy Ph.D.? How might my behavior change when I apply that knowledge? When looking for solutions to relational snags, it is often difficult to find what I am looking for, and I spend valuable time looking for help, rather than applying that help to my own thoughts, behaviors and words.

So at the beginning now, this is my hope, that "what" will help relationships grow in a healthy manner will be easily accessible and God will be glorified, through increasingly joyful and harmonious friendships, marriages, families and communities.

Be the Blessing!

Becoming Grace

Each of us interacts daily with people that we rely on for affection, love and support. However, who we want to be the people who support our spiritual journey, are not always the people we would choose. Sometimes our family members are more resistant to participating in spiritual conversations, and a close co-worker or family member from our spouse's family take up that role.

What is important is connecting weekly with a group of people who support you, nurture your spiritual development, and help you find insight and grace in God's word.

The journey with people through life, as you experience and share grace, is expressed among the spheres of influence with people around you. Part of the journey might be grieving the fact you are not as close to someone as you wish you could be. However, experiencing these emotions will make you more aware of the needs of others around you, and my hope is that you are able to discover the tools, the resiliency and the grace to meet those needs.