Rejection

Out of all of the experiences I have had - the ones that are burned into my memory - always deal with rejection. I can feel the wave of shame come over me, and the difficulty relating to others sets in and I am emotionally overwhelmed by a rejecting experience. In fact I could probably tell you some of the dates that I have experienced such overwhelming rejection. Last fall (2009) I continually struggled with rejection to the point my husband and I had to come up with a plan to help me deal with rejection in a constructive manner.

The plan was simple:

For each situation that occurred - I would tell my husband "I felt rejected when...." (a colleague didn't listen to me, a client expressed displeasure with service, etc.) that way I could share my emotions without revealing confidential information.

Then I would get a hug from my hubby for each of those experiences that day. I think I ended up following the plan only 5-10 times total, but the emotional stability it provided me was immense.

This came to mind today as I helped a client, by making phone calls to various agencies trying to find out if there were openings for someone in crisis. I realized then that I am better at taking a "no" or rejection on behalf of someone else, then I am on my own behalf. When I receive the rejection I take it personally, when someone else is in desperate need of help, I thank them and move onto the next one on the list. I am determined to find the "yes" for someone else. It gives me hope that through these lessons I am learning, I can de-personalize rejection and become determined to find a "yes" for me instead of so quickly losing hope. I also realize that when emotionally someone is in crisis, and so often in Human Services we give them a list of places to call, there aren't enough emotional reserves to make the connections needed. The rejection becomes isolation, and the isolation becomes more painful than the rejection, because then the skills needed to re-connect with others are lost in the grief and loss already being experienced, and it will take far more emotional confidence than perhaps was available in the first place. 

I also realize that there is an ultimate plan to deal with all of the rejection that for the most part, I am able to manage my response to rejection now. Long term though, I know I need help, and there is Someone who has experienced all of the rejection,  all of the loneliness and all of the separation from the Father for me (and you),  and if I choose to believe in Him, will never have to experience.

This is the stone which was rejected by you builders, but which has become the head of the corner. And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved. Acts 4:11-12 RSV

Great Expectations

I don't like starting new jobs. I hate all the anxiety and wondering how I am going to screw up as I learn the ropes. I hate the feeling I let someone down, because I have experience doing such and such, or know how to.... Since each job has a unique combination of polices, procedures, and in Human Services, regulations, its complicated learning how to jump through all the hoops. I always look forward to the one year anniversary of being in the new position - after that you pretty much have the position down, its a question of handling the variations on previous experiences that matter now. 

Starting a new job though is something I come to with minimal expectations, an outlook of learning and bettering myself, and conquering a challenge. Personal relationships though, tend to carry the baggage of my own expectations, weaved into the relationship are threads of reality and threads of fiction, created by me.

One of the worst arguments (we all have weaknesses that can cause a lot of pain for our spouse) between my husband and I occurred about 18 months into marriage. Hubby changed jobs about 6 months before, and I thought I had heard him say that after 6 months of employment, there would be a pay raise (hey, some companies do that). Hubby had actually said "I hope they do. That would be nice."  Hubby, at first, didn't always speak in definite terms, so "that would be nice", could mean "yes", so I took it as "yes". Let's just say after that day - hubby now speaks in definite terms - its just not worth dealing with a wife that expects what he says to be fact. Embarrassing to say the least, it wasn't one of my finer moments as a wife.

However, I learned a lot about my expectations as a wife, what I thought my husband would be like. My expectations of being provided for and feeling secure, were tied emotionally to the outcome of that 1st conversation about starting a new job. Factually, were they tied together, no, I don't think so. That shows how sneaky and insidious expectations are. A relationship full of beautiful potential, can be reduced to ashes, (because it can feel like emotional betrayal) over un-fulfilled expectations, if the only requirement is, "my expectations must be met."

One expectation that has been exceeded over and over again, in such abundance, I cannot believe God so graciously blessed me... The companionship I have experienced being married. I so much enjoy marriage to my husband, because he is a friend, a partner, someone who challenges my weak areas, shows confidence in my abilities, and brags relentlessly about me to anyone who will listen. I am sure that all he shares about me isn't true, but its a great standard to reach for,  his love and companionship inspire me to be a better person.

Expectations can be carried into other relationships - when becoming a parent, when developing friendships, when marrying into a family, when losing a close friend/family member or parent. Remember beautiful memories, or relationships full of potential can be reduced to ashes over unfulfilled expectations. Treasure your positive memories and interactions that bring joy. And be willing to identify where expectations end, and deal-breakers begin. A relationship that embodies love, respect and fun, even if it doesn't meet certain expectations, doesn't mean it is a lie, its just different then expected.

Definition of "expectations":

• belief about (or mental picture of) the future
• anticipation: anticipating with confidence of fulfillment
• the feeling that something is about to happen 

Definition of "deal breaker":
any issue or factor that is significant enough to terminate a negotiation, esp. in business or politics

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/deal+breaker

The hidden rules of poverty, middle class and wealth - Ruby Payne Ph. D.

The hidden rules of class shape our behavior, impact our relationships, and create endless opportunities to offend or miss the mark when relating to others.

This is a frequent conversation at my house based on the rules of "time management" and the "Driving Forces" that influence our choices. With apologies to my hubby (not an actual conversation, but you see the main concepts).

Hubby and I sharing a day off - Vacation time to enjoy together. :)

Me: I need your help cleaning the car, cleaning the house, running errands and then we will find something fun to do.

Hubby: Why don't you just relax?

Me: Why don't you take the needs of our household seriously?

Hubby (getting irritated): I work hard all day, I just want to relax!

Me (also irritated): Fine, then who is going to get all of this done?

Hubby (done talking): ugh....

When we take vacation time together now - I take a day early to accomplish my list of things to do, so I know our home is running smoothly. Then hubby joins me with a day off to just relax. I hope this explains it somewhat. I want to post information from Rich Church, Poor Church, where I went in depth on some these concepts.

Hidden rules of class table is from "Crossing the Tracks for love" by Ruby Payne, Ph.D