Give the Gift of Collaboration

As I watch friends plan and attend holiday parties and also participate in holiday festivities myself - I observe there is the pressure of enjoying the holidays, in combination with spending time with people we don't get along with during the year. I have devoted the last couple of months to the in-law relationships, hoping additional insights into familial interactions, will help people enjoy spending time with family members that often spend time in conflict with each other.
Raised by a woman without a Mother and not having a traditional school experience with other females, learning to get along with female in-laws represents a unique challenge for me. Rejection, criticism and marginalization were all experienced in the "world." At home, the expectation was that of inclusion, and finding ways to get along with others. The vulnerability that came from relationships with women, because they are important to the men in your life, can emotionally bring a person to her knees over and over again, because they don't follow the same rules I grew up with. This is a forced vulnerability because they have access to all your weaknesses, struggles, and pain, without the choice of choosing the relationship with them (the important man in your life brought the relationships together). No wonder conflict can ensue.

What do you want from me? By Terri Apter provides incredible insight, case studies, and research into in-law relationships. Primarily focusing on the main areas of conflict - the Mother/daughter-in-law relationship. My favorite quote describes the way that the forced vulnerability of the in-law relationship could be used to their relationships advantage. "Each person could win if the relationships became collaborative, if each, instead of confronting each other, would celebrate and reassure each other." Terri Apter.

It spurred on so much thought into how inflexibility causes destruction to relationships.  I have seen and experienced within in-law relationships, that it becomes an experience of learning to live, relate and plan without the other, whether it is mother/daughter/sister-in-law. That is a dangerous precedent to set - because the other person will learn to live, relate, and plan, without you. Negotiation, respect, and appreciation for the role each woman has in the family is important. Real inclusion as defined by Terri Apter "Involves acceptance of who you are and respect for your thoughts in wishes." It is my hope that this may be experienced this Holiday Season, as this reassurance recognizes each woman as the primary woman, in her primary family, and allows for the diversity of each family to enlarge and bless the entire family.

Merry Christmas!! And Happy New Year!!

Who is in charge?

Getting through holiday tension among adults requires a bit of a road-map to understand the relationship dynamics that are likely to be playing out in front of you. For the most part, traditions (relational, emotional, type traditions) appear to pass from Mother to Daughter, so it is likely that a priority will be placed on the wife/mother's side of the family for holiday get-together's. I think it is important to keep this in mind, so that adjustments and negotiations can take place in a reasonable manner. (I rarely see the wife/mother give up a preferred holiday to her in-laws (however I am blessed to know some truly sweet people who are not so territorial), so coming to peace with it emotionally is very important for all people involved). However, this is complicated by hidden rules of class when the argument over holiday get-together's ensue.

Poverty Mindset - Matriarchal structure, female in charge makes the rules (may be posturing for which female is most dominate, the care-giver of children usually wins), everyone else submits or deal with being  emotionally/physically punished. Women in poverty are primarily friends with the females in their family of origin ( so this is very insular/protected group of people). Men play the role of fighter in an argument, and will fight to defend their woman's honor/choices. This is why some events end in a brawl, and everyone gathers together again next year.

Middle-Class: Patriarchal structure, negotiation sets the tone of conversation , self-governance is the view of interactions, so everyone is responsible for getting along. If an argument breaks out, the two involved will usually end it because arguing in public is a breach of the rules. The argument is usually resolved by negotiating an outcome agreeable to both parties.

Wealth:  The question of day is - who has the most $. Family members react of not wanting to upset the person who has the most money. A great example of this is the movie "The Ultimate Gift."   Your own children might not be as important, as staying in good graces with the person in charge.

Evident Weakenesses:

Poverty: Emotional Punishment for those who go against the Female's wishes

Middle-Class: Triangulation (team up with someone else)

Wealth; Fawning, sucking up, using others to get to the family fortune,  etc

When families with several generations gather together, there is also the challenge of family members marrying individuals who follow the hidden rules of another class group, and they are all gathered together at the same holiday event. Peace on earth is usually not the memorable experience.  So to smooth over those troubles keep in mind to keep practicing the "Adult Voice."

Use of the Adult Voice is crucial - whether you think the other person is acting like an adult or not. In fact, the more parentified a person was as a child, the more important it is to use the "Adult Voice" because even though they are likely to act like a child, to treat them like a child by using the "Parent Voice" will be the biggest insult of all. Keep practicing the "Adult Voice", it may ease high tension moments enough, to let everyone de-escalate.

Ultimately situations that involve the most conflict, need to be handled by the related individual. Conflict with my family is addressed whenever possible my me, so that I can help my husband and my family learn to emotionally and relationally invest in each other. The same is true with my husband's family, because he has the relationship with his family members, he is the person who connects us to them. This also means that I have learned to just mind my own business, because even if my family wouldn't handle it that way, his does, and that began long before my joining the family. My hope is that his Mom has had time to adjust, and not experienced too many demands to change. If I want to do something that involves his family, I ask my husband, and that means recognizing some areas are off limits and when he is ready, he will move forward on it.

This also ties in well to concepts from  "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work." John Gottman Ph.D.

#4: Let Your Partner Influence You. It is important to maintain your own identity in a relationship, but it is equally important to yield to your partner and give in. If both partners allow one another this influence, then they will learn to respect one another on a deeper level.

References to Hidden Rules of Class from "Crossing the Tracks for Love. Ruby Payne,Ph.D.

Seeing our family as they are...

In honor of the holiday season, and the multitude of opportunities to connect and visit with family members, I thought I would highlight the immediate and extended family relationships. I think there is a tendency to take a "mental picture" of an individual and place it in a frame, and from there forward when I interact with this person, this is how I see them. The cousin that was a drunk, the sibling that was a goof off, the couple who are poor, raising a family and struggling to make ends meet. Sibling rivalry can also factor in, who gets everyone's attention, competition over who is more successful, who is married, who has children, and whose physical appearance is the best. It can really feel like a transport back in time to younger days, when problem-solving skills were less available, and emotion management required parental assistance  However, its not really fair to someone who has gone through rehab, grown-up and carrying adult responsibilities, and the couple who have sacrificed and worked hard to create a life for their family. I think it would be fair to say, if they hold down a job, volunteer, or run a household, they are more than able to relate to each other in the "adult voice."  I wish that it was easier to change roles, to let other's change roles in our "mental picture of them, and to allow others the freedom to grow-up, become successful, and allow them to learn from their mistakes/successes. Perhaps then there are some key components missing when interacting with adults that we have shared a lifetime, or a portion of our life with. If there is a skill to practice, refine, and integrate into daily interactions it would be that of the "Adult Voice."



Practicing the skills of the adult voice takes time. For individuals who have parented themselves or others (as a child) , it can feel as if you are losing control of your own future, when in fact it allows others to invest relationally and emotionally in you. In fact, I observe such a lack of the "adult voice" in so many interactions, personally and professionally, I think it may be a key, if not the key, to more reciprocal relationships. Thinking this through, with the desired outcome in mind,  if relationships, especially in a family become more reciprocal, it might lead to... dare I say it....Friendship.