Using questions to connect

This week I attended training on Attachment Disorders. An intense 8 hour class, on how to help individuals recover after attachment trauma has occurred, usually while very young, in a manner that allows a child to trust a parental figure again. No small challenge there! One of the ways to build trust shared by Denise L. Best, LMHC, is the way a person communicates with an attachment traumatized child. Giving someone a parent figure to rebel against, is often the typical way parents, parent. "Don't do that because I said so" " Homework is due on Monday, I expect that you will have it done tonight." This doesn't seem unreasonable, especially coming from a parent. However, someone who has experienced attachment trauma, has taken care of their own needs for a long time, and maybe even met the needs of younger siblings. So instead of parenting what occurred in the statements above, is the pre-cursor to a power struggle. Using questions, is a way to reduce defensiveness in other people, and provides an opportunity to be on the same page. Denise L. Best, LMHC recommends that 75% of communication with attachment traumatized individuals be in the form of questions.

It reminded me of reading Bridges out of Poverty by Ruby Payne, Ph.D. Using the "Adult Voice" to communicate with individuals who are adults, that as a child/teenager were "parentified." Using the parent voice is an insult to someone who cared for themselves and others. Especially in an area of expertise, it can be second nature to make a statement about how to handle a situation. Having been in conversations though, where a statement, was the trigger for another person to argue, my own observations agree, depending on the people involved, statements can create conflict, rather than manage conflict.

It can be overwhelming though to know where to start. I have included a link below on how to ask "elaborating questions." Questions that require more than a yes/no answer, and can help create connections and build trust between individuals.

http://questioning.org/Q7/toolkit3.html#anchor214498

I didn't want to disappoint....

My sister and I were having a conversation the other day about children, having worked with families and children in crisis for several years now, its interesting to observe the patterns of behavior that occur from family to family.

One of the most painful observations is that often there appears to be a complete lack of interest in a child, other than how the child makes the parent look to an outsider. Behaviors that occur unchecked, and you know they are unchecked when a parent is oblivious to the child, even though they are fighting, yelling and emotionally out-of -control. When this is brought to the attention of the parents, either its the worker's fault for observing and pointing out the disruptive and destructive behavior, or the parent responds so heavily (with yelling, swatting and loss of privileges) that the child is left incredibly confused. Either way, the child feels completely unconnected emotionally to their parents, that their model for handling conflict becomes ignore authority figures instructions or act in a manner destructive to the relationship, or both. That also leads to this bizarre need to discipline in public. I am actually grateful that the times in public I was corrected for my behavior, my mother always removed me from where friends and other adults could see the correction. An already embarrassing situation, when handled privately, at least allows the child to retain some dignity.

Which leads me back to my conversation with my sister. Both of us, even in times of conflict with our parents felt so strongly attached, and with that attachment, a strong desire to please our parents, that disappointing our parents seemed like the worst action of all.

How do you help a child develop secure attachment; Work on Emotion coaching ( Attachments Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy). Emotion coaching focusing on an awareness of emotions, understanding and validating emotions, guiding a child towards self-awareness of emotions, problem-solving, and setting limits on behavior.

This leads to the dreaded word - consistency. A word I want to remove from my vocabulary due to the ineffectiveness of its usage, and the instant defensiveness it creates in parents. However, consistently catching children doing things right, providing emotion coaching when a child is emotional  and consistently guiding children away from unwanted behavior, towards preferred behavior, will increase the emotional connection between you and your child. Then when the teenage years roll around, they will be buffered by the affection and guidance you have provided all along. An interesting fact, is that even as adults, we are still children of our parents, and even though I have a responsibility to make my own decisions, I usually seek out my parents opinion. Its nice to be friends with my parents.

Following my own advice

I have concluded that I am in a season of waiting, again. We have big goals dedicated to paying off our house, and getting a couple of small business off the ground. Community support for them has been fantastic, its just a matter of producing quality product and creating win/win relationships with the people we meet. So that means after so deftly encouraging others to make the best use of your time while waiting, I now need to take my own advice.

So here are my goals (it helps to have them in writing, and accountability also increases success rates):

After the Live Healthy Iowa Challenge ends at work on April 23rd - I hope to have logged 100 hours of activity/exercise in 100 days (as of yesterday I have logged 82 hours and 25 min - so it will be a challenge to complete it by the finish date). I want to continue that challenge for the next 100 days, logging an additional 100  hours of activity from April 24th- August 1st of this year.

I have scheduled an appointment with my family counselor for May in order to discuss my anxieties and frustrations over the waiting process.  

I have scheduled two classes for this spring that I am planning on attending to help me network with other people who are sharing similar experiences and helping me to expand my horizons.

Books to read:
I am looking for new authors to read - as I have read almost all of Ruby Payne's books. Continuing to research on emotional resources, and also continuing to research on how to build a small business effectively.

Marriage + Compromise = Teamwork

My husband has not been feeling well this weekend. Bronchitis hit hard on Thursday and he just has struggled to get better. I look at my list of things to accomplish this weekend, and realize that it just isn't going to happen. It also probably reveals how spoiled I am. Usually if I say, this needs to be priority this weekend, between the two of us we are able to get it done.

When we first married, I discovered quickly that the two of us accomplished far more together, than I ever even attempted when single. I think its knowing that there is someone in my corner, who is willing to help and support me that surprised me. When something doesn't go our way, he can share what he thinks would work better, but in the end, he still is on my side. The challenge all along of course, is being in agreement on what is the most important. I will say this is still a work in progress.

What to do while waiting....

Waiting requires patience.....delayed gratification....recognizing that hard work will create a bigger reward than instant gratification... or that time is needed to prepare for changes that are coming...

As a younger woman, even as a child, I had visions that being an adult meant being able to get my own way. I didn't realize that often it is, one or the other, not both. I may be thrilled with a bargain I have found, but the household budget might not have room for it this month. Or I may have to choose between buying clothes, or going to a movie. Being an adult sure isn't the glamorous, self-satisfying experience I thought it would be. Sure, I could choose to blow all my/our money on frivolous activities, clothes, furniture, and expensive restaurants. However, it leaves little for the future, satisfying for the moment, but then to meet that need for excitement and adventure, I  have to keep fulfilling the need for newer, better, and faster. I have come to the conclusion that someone will always have more, or better or fancier, its not worth any competition. Maybe my goals are different and it sure isn't worth the competition and letting someone else s decisions to have such power over my own decisions... Waiting is on my mind lately, because it seems my entire adult life that is all I have done. College, though I enjoyed it, I was quite poor, ok, painfully poor. It was difficult just getting through the four years to get my degree. I see how much other young adults enjoyed their college experience, and realize those moments weren't for me. I have come to peace with it. I started my first full-time job, while it seemed others moved up faster, I don't for a moment think that they did it better than I. I worked as hard as I could, to bring as much positive regard to the company I worked for as I could. I moved onto a different job last year when advancing within that company wasn't going to happen. Its not often that things are laid out that clearly for an employee... so I don't regret my decision to move on. My professional growth after leaving, figuratively exploded, so I have come to peace that that as well. I met my husband when I was 25 years old. It was over five years, since I thought I had a possibility at a serious relationship with a young man. Talk about questions. Talk about waiting. Very literally I  had to come to the conclusion that I might not marry, and start to move on with my life. I bought a condo with two bedrooms in Aug. of 2005. In Oct of 2005, I met my husband and we married in late 2006. In January of 2007, we had too much stuff for a two bedroom condo. Sometimes perception isn't reality. :) Three months after we were married,  I discovered that we had more debt than I knew about, when we totaled everything up, it was over $30,000.00 in debt. OVERWHELMING!! to a newlywed couple. It took us 15 months to pay it all off, that wait was excruciating. Especially when you watch every dollar go to someone else's pocket. I watch women I know waiting for babies, some on bedrest, some just anxious. Waiting is hard....


Some suggestions from a professional at waiting:

Read as much as you can about your dream changes: Learn about parenting, getting out of debt, your college text books, etc.

Take Classes or talk to a mentor

Get Counseling to deal with any issues that will make dealing with change harder (because change is what you are really hoping for).

Exercise (except for those on bedrest): it will help manage all the cortisol and adrenaline rushing around your body causing weird anxiety and angry responses towards people close to you.

excerpt of article I am working on.....

Spiritual abuse occurs when a congregation of believers focuses primarily on performance of others, when individuals instead of worrying about their own relationship with God, their spouse and family members, worry about the spiritual behaviors of other people. A church focused on individual performance creates anxiety and fear in its members, for if you don’t measure up in this group, there might be eternal consequences.Spiritual Abuse can include:
Out loud shaming – What’s wrong with you?

Focus on performance – love and acceptance is earned by doing or not doing certain things

Manipulation – What people think of us is more important than what is happening.

Idolatry – An impossible to please “god” who is obsessed over people’s behaviors from distance.

Preoccupation with fault and blame – people have to pay for their mistakes.

having to deny thoughts, opinions or feelings different from those in authority.

Unbalanced interrelatedness – either under (neglect) or over (enmeshment) involvement in the lives of others. Everyone is responsible for everyone else, while ironically no one is responsible for himself or herself. The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse

A church congregation that shows through its actions it is “a shelter in the storm” will be a group of people who show love to one another, comfort each other during trying times, rejoice during happy times, and encourage one another in their daily walk with Christ, casting aside comments full of shame, and focus on meeting each other’s needs, and relying on God for the resolution.