What If?

My hubby and I recently participated in a small group regarding the topic of marriage. We read "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas and discussed different topics each week in the small group. One chapter just grabbed my attention. It's title "sacred struggle." Conflict exhausts me. So I have worked in my marriage to find ways to solve, resolve and manage conflict as best one can in a marriage relationship. I also have a tendency to internalize external conflict in the form of physical stress, so I literally have to limit my contact with people where there is constant tension for my own health. Conflict, tension, adversarial comments, disrespect, slander and vindictiveness when present in people I know, are managed in order to limit their impact on me. However, this chapter on "sacred struggle" taught me a lot about a deeper meaning in difficult, stressful and tension filled relationships. Here is a quote that is specifically regarding a difficult marriage that changed my paradigm regarding the meaning of conflict in relationships for me.

If we take our faith seriously and make our way through a difficult marriage in pursuit of witnessing God's reconciling love for a sinful world, then a difficult marriage becomes part of our exercise to prepare us for heaven...God never promises to remove all our trials this side of heaven - quite the contrary!- but He does promise that there is meaning in each one. Our character is being perfected, our faith is being built, our "heavenly reward" is being increased. (Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas).

As I was cleaning my house tonight, I reflected on this concept. I amused myself by realizing that my most difficult relationships do not directly include my marriage. I thought of how  unpleasant it is to deal with certain people who are constantly complaining, vindictive, inflexible and constantly creating tension around me. At the same time expressing gratitude for the pleasant, loving and enjoyable marriage I have. Then I had one of those moments of insight where it became very clear to me that this concept of God using a difficult marriage to refine my character is not limited to my marriage relationship. God is able to use any relationship that is difficult for me to manage and even maintain at times to refine my character.

This led me on a path of reflection regarding what I have learned from my most challenging personal relationships.

1. It's necessary to grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted with the individual
2. A lot of time will be spent holding your tongue, turning the other cheek, and walking away from comments that look to instigate a fight.
3. Accept the person where they are and the relationship for what it is
4. Learn what not to do in relationships, then apply that new understanding. I find myself much more thoughtful, considerate and appreciative of my countless other relationships where I experience emotional gratification.
5. My family always looks to find meaning in difficult times. It's part of our resilience. Finding meaning in a difficult relationship can make it more bearable on the days you want to give up.
6. Don't form alliances, force people to take sides for or against an individual or constantly complain, "vent" or otherwise make derogatory comments about another person in an attempt to form an alliance.

 Remember it is your character that is being refined. Trust God to do his perfect will in your life!