Daily Renewal

10 years ago when I was working on my undergraduate degree in psychology, I first came across the theory of attachment. From my studies then I mostly remember the "stranger incident" studies completed by Mary Ainsworth. I remember thinking "if I ever go into clinical psychology, I want to study attachment theory." Fast word 10 years, and it is amazing to see the changes that have occurred in the use of attachment theory. I am researching as much as I can - and it still doesn't seem to help me completely understand the complexity of the attachment. Here is the short version:

1.  I have learned that attachment is so powerful, it changes both parties - no matter who initiates the attachment. It is one of the only interactions I have encountered that is mutually beneficial, and creates mutual change in both individuals, and only one person has to initiate the change. This is powerful stuff!!

2. Attachment creates more attachment. It becomes a source of renewal everyday creating stronger, more gratifying relationships. (Gratifying = giving pleasure or satisfaction. www.dictionary.com)

3. Therefore it is important to engage in attachment behaviors with a specific group of people. Your spouse, your children, foster children, nieces and nephews, and your grandchildren (and further generations). Truly beyond that caution is necessary, and interactions with children outside the family need to promote/benefit/encourage the attachment of that child's primary care-givers.

Being Vulnerable.....accepting the gift of affection.

I have observed in families that I work with an emotional disconnect that I don't remember being so prevalent when I was younger. Yeah, families had problems, but it didn't seem that most made so few attempts to care and show affection for one another. I watch families I work with continue destructive interactions, slowly draining all trust and safety from their interactions, leaving each member emotionally burned and afraid to trust. Attempts to show affection re-buffed, in a manner to ensure the individual offering the affection feels some of the emotional pain the other is feeling. Shame then creates a barrier that becomes almost impenetrable.
I realize now that I have two advantages in my perception of safety and trust that most individuals don't.

1. I have a mother who has a natural knowledge of how to create attachment with her family. As a professional, I thought that I would refer more to other professionals and research in order to help families  I work with attach to each other within the family. Instead I find myself repeating things my Mom told me, because the research shows her methods were effective. Just a couple of things she did include bedtime prayers most nights, reading out loud together, and eye-sight supervision of my siblings and myself almost all the time. When we were teenagers Mom loosened her supervision based on the circumstances.  If we were close friends with another family, and all of us young adults brought out the best in each other, we were allowed to spend unsupervised time with them. The interesting thing, we were never quizzed on what we did. It just wasn't a concern.

2. No divorces occurred within my direct support system, and even in distant support systems during my childhood years. This is practically unheard of. In fact, I was a teenager before anyone I knew, and considered part of my support system, divorced.

The result is I have overwhelmingly positive thoughts and attitudes towards traditional marriage, parenting and family life. I know that if it isn't working now, then re-group, make some changes on how I interact with others, and try again. If that doesn't work, change something else, and try again. These experiences also help me encourage others. I know a positive, fulfilling, gratifying relationship is underneath the pain somewhere. I just don't know what it looks like yet.

The first step in changing a painful relationship I believe is offering and accepting affection. Overcoming the pain and shame that resulted in the relationship becoming conflicted is difficult, and to process through the painful memories together, you will need all of the positive memories possible.
It may look like a hand-picked bouquet of flowers, hugs and kisses, a pat on the back, reading together, a gift, sweet, positive nicknames, or sharing memories of good-times spent together. If you feel emotionally burned and fearful, this will be a scary experience. In that case, I strongly encourage seeking a professional counselor to talk to, because those emotions may be difficult to process and prevent a gratifying relationship from developing.

Picture by Jonathan Guerrero - Lucent Media Group.