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My faith, even as an adult, I confess, has depended on happiness and
prosperity. My experience was much like the friends of Job (NIV) who tell Job
to curse God when all is taken from him. When life is going well, then I am
confident in the love of God. When life is at it's worst, then I rage
emotionally against a distant, aloof God who has abandoned me to a life of
discouragement, despair and pain. This is quite an emotional roller
coaster to experience. I am actually quite embarrassed at this description
of my faith walk, yet it is true. This is how I behaved in my relationship with
God. As I pondered and prayed about my experience of faith, I came to
realize that I am not this emotionally dramatic in my day-to-day relationships,
so why would I want to experience such emotional highs and lows in my
relationship with the Almighty One?
So I embarked on an experiment....
Six months ago I decided
to pray every day for the following:
1. My husband and my
greatest needs, whether financial, school, medical, etc in nature.
2. Relationships in my
family
3. For growth and
prosperity in the areas most deeply touched by the most painful emotional
experiences in my family
4. For my church family
and our health and relationships
Then I documented the
need, the specific relationship, or the area of emotional pain and
tracked the monthly progress, regression or lack of progress
that occurred. Over the next six months I have prayed, life has happened
and my anxiety levels stayed low as I watched amazing things happen.
Medical bills were paid
down, even though we had very little income
Grad school was paid off
At the very last moment,
I found the right job for me, and for my family
And countless other
responses that are too private to share in this setting....then came
September.
We had immediate
needs...and nothing happened. October came and things got worse.
The whole experience
resulted in a middle of the night argument with my husband, while at my lowest
physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
My mother in law was
very ill
Our car needed another
repair
We had no money
Professional stressors
were involved
And my husband and I
were dealing with a very painful loss
After a very emotional
exhausting argument, I thought to myself...this is a low as we can be. My
faith was holding on, even though I was profoundly confused. It is interesting
to look back on these last ten days and realize that while my faith held on, my
emotional response to my faith stayed constant...my immune system worn down by
the stress crumbled...and I could not overcome a simple cough/cold. Once again
I turned to prayer, and focused on the thought that maybe documenting the
answers to prayer had made me too sure of our decisions, and we needed to
follow a different path. I began looking at a plan B.
Within 24 hours, things
completely turned around...I cannot describe how surreal it was.
My mother in law's
illness was caught in time and while the recovery was slow, it did not involve
surgery.
The car did not actually
need a repair.
Professional stressors
resolved.
Friends loved on us.
Family loved on us.
We were abundantly loved
and cared for.
It was incredible to
experience. Even though my immune system took the hit this time, I am going to
continue to practice my faith in this manner for a while, until I am able to
mature a bit more in my faith. Because I like experiencing a constant faith
that carries me through my lowest times, without becoming a tearful, angry
child, desperate for an answer. I like experiencing a trusting relationship
with my Father in Heaven.
My Faith has found a resting place, by Eliza E. Hewitt
My faith has found a resting place,
Not in device or creed;
I trust the ever-living One,
His wounds for me shall plead.
o Refrain:
I need no other argument,
I need no other plea,
It is enough that Jesus died,
And that He died for me.
Enough for me that Jesus saves,
This ends my fear and doubt;
A sinful soul I came to Him,
He’ll never cast me out.
My heart is leaning on the Word,
The living Word of God,
Salvation by my Savior’s name,
Salvation through His blood.
My great physician heals the sick,
The lost He came to save;
For me His precious blood He shed,
For me His life He gave.
