The still quiet voice

My faith, even as an adult, I confess, has depended on happiness and prosperity. My experience was much like the friends of Job (NIV) who tell Job to curse God when all is taken from him. When life is going well, then I am confident in the love of God. When life is at it's worst, then I rage emotionally against a distant, aloof God who has abandoned me to a life of discouragement, despair and pain. This is quite an emotional roller coaster to experience. I am actually quite embarrassed at this description of my faith walk, yet it is true. This is how I behaved in my relationship with God.  As I pondered and prayed about my experience of faith, I came to realize that I am not this emotionally dramatic in my day-to-day relationships, so why would I want to experience such emotional highs and lows in my relationship with the Almighty One?

So I embarked on an experiment....

Six months ago I decided to pray every day for the following:

1. My husband and my greatest needs, whether financial, school, medical, etc in nature. 

2. Relationships in my family

3. For growth and prosperity in the areas most deeply touched by the most painful emotional experiences in my family

4. For my church family and our health and relationships

Then I documented the need, the specific relationship, or the area of emotional pain and  tracked the monthly progress, regression or lack of progress that occurred. Over the next six months I have prayed, life has happened and my anxiety levels stayed low as I watched amazing things happen. 

Medical bills were paid down, even though we had very little income

Grad school was paid off

At the very last moment, I found the right job for me, and for my family

And countless other responses that are too private to share in this setting....then came September. 

We had immediate needs...and nothing happened.  October came and things got worse.

The whole experience resulted in a middle of the night argument with my husband, while at my lowest physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

My mother in law was very ill

Our car needed another repair

We had no money

Professional stressors were involved

And my husband and I were dealing with a very painful loss

After a very emotional exhausting argument, I thought to myself...this is a low as we can be. My faith was holding on, even though I was profoundly confused. It is interesting to look back on these last ten days and realize that while my faith held on, my emotional response to my faith stayed constant...my immune system worn down by the stress crumbled...and I could not overcome a simple cough/cold. Once again I turned to prayer, and focused on the thought that maybe documenting the answers to prayer had made me too sure of our decisions, and we needed to follow a different path. I began looking at a plan B. 

Within 24 hours, things completely turned around...I cannot describe how surreal it was. 

My mother in law's illness was caught in time and while the recovery was slow, it did not involve surgery. 

The car did not actually need a repair.

Professional stressors resolved.

Friends loved on us.

Family loved on us.

We were abundantly loved and cared for. 

It was incredible to experience. Even though my immune system took the hit this time, I am going to continue to practice my faith in this manner for a while, until I am able to mature a bit more in my faith. Because I like experiencing a constant faith that carries me through my lowest times, without becoming a tearful, angry child, desperate for an answer. I like experiencing a trusting relationship with my Father in  Heaven. 

My Faith has found a resting place, by Eliza E. Hewitt

My faith has found a resting place,
Not in device or creed;
I trust the ever-living One,
His wounds for me shall plead.

 o Refrain:
I need no other argument,
 I need no other plea,
It is enough that Jesus died,
And that He died for me.

 Enough for me that Jesus saves,
This ends my fear and doubt;
A sinful soul I came to Him,
 He’ll never cast me out.

 My heart is leaning on the Word,
The living Word of God,
 Salvation by my Savior’s name,
 Salvation through His blood.

 My great physician heals the sick,
The lost He came to save;
For me His precious blood He shed,
For me His life He gave.