Mistakes are the Jungle Gym of Adulthood

Trust plays a vital role in growth. Imagine with me for a moment that you are seeking new information, a desire to learn is springing from deep within, and you want to find out as much as you can. Then enters someone that every time you talk with or are around, their interactions result in you feeling helpless, incapable of making your own decisions, or controlled. What do you think might happen?

My observation is the result is someone who shuts down emotionally, in a protective manner because at that moment the vulnerability coming from the desire to learn, is short-circuited by feeling incredibly helpless, and the risk of learned helplessness is increased. Vulnerability and being helpless are in fact the flip side of the same coin.

Imagine with me again, that when you are seeking out new information, are learning more from your environment, that it is really a child like moment. The lack of experience, or the lack of education, creating a beginning of a journey of discovery. What an exciting and profound moment. However, those moments are quickly met with mistakes as new skills are learned, and a lack of skill is identified. Then a Teacher or someone else with more experience and/or knowledge comes along and says "You shouldn't do it that way" (see table below), then the moment of vulnerability has been made into a moment of helplessness and a lack of capability is embarrassingly displayed for all to see. If that moment is re-framed into a question of "what did you learn?" then instead of learning helplessness, an individual is able to practice a skill.

I am fortunate enough that I grew up with parents whose idea of a mistake was to say "ok, new data." It wasn't even identified as a mistake, just recognized as a clumsy attempt, that didn't meet the desired goal. However, with "new data" another attempt at trying again, was a conversation, a journaling session, a time of reflection away. With practice, a new skill could be attained, and this lack of judgment also meant that trust was created between my parents and myself.


For others not as fortunate as myself, the key is often found in first recognizing the issue. Those who struggle with addiction often aren't even able to be helped until the addiction is recognized by the person who is addicted, because ownership of the issue by the person affected is necessary to get the process started. So it is in other areas of personal pain as well, ownership of the issues is necessary to get the process started.

Ruby Payne Ph.D. in Bridges out of Poverty (see below) describes how the three voices are important in an individual's development. A child voice, one of whining, negative attitudes, as well as spontaneity and playfulness is a helpless voice, dependent on others for assistance in working out personal issues with others. Many children today for one reason or another, have had to parent themselves, siblings, or even their parents, so they developed the parent voice early on in life, this voice may be judgmental, or supportive but always is the voice of authority. When children have to parent themselves or others, the third voice, the voice of an adult is not developed. The voice of an adult is an attitude of win-win, conversations often include negotiation as needs are assessed and each person works toward a compromise. This internal voice, in fact creates space to be involved in another person's life, without requiring complete compliance with your own will.

Learning the "adult voice" (see below) is also important, because it is how trust is developed, by allowing space to learn, and allowing that a different approach by someone else might work just as well, or even better than previous attempts. Mistakes then become the jungle gym of adulthood, and child-like vulnerability is rewarded. I think I have heard of child-like vulnerability being rewarded somewhere else before as well....

And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 18:2-6

Blessings,

Shoshannah

The Three Voices – From Bridges out of Poverty Ruby K.. Payne, Philip Devol, and Terie Dreussi Smith
The Child Voice*
Defensive, victimized, emotional, whining, losing attitude, strongly negative non-verbal
Playful, spontaneous, curious, etc.
- Quit picking on me
- You don’t love me
- You want me to leave
- Nobody likes (loves) me
- I hate you
- You’re ugly
- You make me sick
- It’s your fault
- Don’t blame me
- She, he _____ did it
- You make me mad
- You made me do it
The Parent Voice*
Authoritative, directive, judgmental, evaluative, win-lose mentality, demanding, punitive, sometimes threatening
The parent voice can also be very loving and supportive. The internal parent voice can create shame and guilt
- You shouldn’t (should) do that
- Its wrong (right) to do_____
- That’s stupid, immature, out of line, ridiculous
- Life’s not fair. Get busy.
- You are good, bad, worthless, beautiful (any judgmental, evaluative comment)
- You do as I say
- If you weren’t so ______. This wouldn’t happen to you.
- Why can’t you be like _____.
The Adult Voice
Non-judgmental, free of negative non-verbal, factual, often in question format, attitude of win-win.
- In what ways could this be resolved?
- What factors will be used to determine the effectiveness, quality of?
- I would like to recommend_____.
- What are choices in this situation?
- I am comfortable (uncomfortable) with_____
- Options that could be considered are_____.
- For me to be comfortable, I need the following things to occur_____.
- These are the consequences of that choice/action _______
- We agree to disagree

Spheres of Grace - touching the people in our lives with grace.

Before I married, I remember lots of times when I would say to God, "I just need to know you care about me, and it would really help if it came from someone with skin." From those moments of needing grace myself, I came to see that there are often other people in my life that I can show grace to and be Grace in their life, even if just for a moment.

(Kindness):This knowledge led me to try being open with more people around me, and looking for opportunities to show kindness to those I meet. I am naturally a quiet, shy, reserved individual with new people, so I am not naturally drawn to extroverted introductions and conversations with people I don't know. However, I could smile, say "Hi" and acknowledge someone and chat a little about how beautiful the day is, and in the process make a positive connection with another person.

(Dialogue): With this openness with strangers and people I don't know as well. I realized that not everyone I care about is going to have the same worldview, religious beliefs, or even personal style of interacting with others. Sometimes I might be offended, sometimes I might want to cheer another person on as discussions take place, however the discussion, the dialogue is what draws us closer to each other and to God.

"Friendship exhibits a glorious 'nearness by resemblance' to Heaven itself, where the very multitude of the blessed (which no man can number) increases the fruition which each has of God. For every soul, seeing Him in her own way, doubtless communicates that vision to all the rest." C.S. Lewis The Four Loves pg 62

(Growth): By far the most intense and challenging of all steps is where our very beliefs are challenged as people who drawn together in friendship start to confront and challenge others. Everything is on the table, beliefs, behaviors and perhaps even personal interactions, choices, lifestyle decisions creating a sense of humbleness and reliance on Him alone as community is created.

(Sharing Grace): This is a community of believers, seeking to share Grace with each other, their families (always and especially family members) and sharing true joy in worship.