The Lord places the lonely in families- now what?

I love this verse in Psalms: :"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,

is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families." Psalms 68:5-6. It's such a beautiful concept. The images it brings to mind are of families happily spending time together, enjoying each others company, and participating in fun recreational activities. The idyllic family reunion at the park on a beautiful summer evening is what I see. It's kind of like imagining a wedding. The beauty, the elegance, the magic of a wedding day is impossible to match. Especially in the every day interactions, boring and monotonous I might add, interactions

of marriage. Family is a beautiful thing, just like a wedding is a magical experience! Family interactions, family health and a encouraging a family to grow together takes work, lots of work. Just like a marriage takes work.

If this is not an easy experience, why does God then find it so important to place orphans, widows and the lonely in families?  My only explanation is to help us learn how to get along with people we wouldn't otherwise choose to have a close relationship with. It is also the only social situation where you do not have a choice in who joins the group. Other people, siblings, children, etc choose their mates and bring them to the family for inclusion and acceptance. Refusing to accept the person's spouse only sours the relationship between the related family members. It's a fascinating dilemma. I may be just fine confronting a spouse of the related family member on issues that are concerning. However, I may not be willing to pay the relational price with the related family member. Its a difficult dilemma. The dance of intimacy then begins - too close with someone and you might lose your sense of identity, this is managed with distance. Too distant and a family starts to lose its cohesiveness, this is managed with increased intimacy.

There are also these weird unspoken things, like women are the gatekeepers of relationships. I didn't know that prior to getting married. If you have a step-parents, the wife may be the gatekeeper to your dad. In the in-law relationship, your mother-in-law will be the gatekeeper to the relationship with your father-in-law. With your brother, your sister-in-law will be the gatekeeper of the relationship. With your son, your daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper of the relationship. Aunts will be the gatekeeper to relationships with Uncles. This took all of my last 5 years of married life to figure out. Very helpful to know and understand.

This doesn't even begin to cover the areas of boundaries, levels of relationship, and even maintaining civil conversations. The complexity of the family relationship is limitless. I don't pretend to have an answer to creating a close, loving family. I don't have an answer for what to do when a member engages in destructive relational interactions. I do know that it is ALWAYS the children that pay the price for positive skills and for negative skills. Maybe the Lord will continue to provide me opportunities so that when I am 80 - this wisdom will be mine. I do know that within the family is where a legacy is created and passed on to the next generations. In a family is where grace, love and faith are learned at the knees of our parents and grandparents. In a family is where relational skills, for better or for ill are learned and integrated into our lives. I also know that belonging is such a tenuous feeling in extended families, that making sure that everyone is aware they belong to the family is helpful. 

And if you ever have wisdom on growing family relationships, be sure to include me.

Challenges of Parenting

I had a conversation with someone this weekend about how to connect with and maintain a relationship with adult children. As I am no expert on this myself, I went looking for resources.


From the wisdom shared with me by parents of adult children, this list seemed most like what was shared with me.

For the complete article by Dr Joshua Coleman, click this link. Here is part of the list

• Don't criticize their choice in romantic partners. You have raised your adult child to be independent, so don't assume that you know better about who they should be with.
•  Don't criticize their parenting. Yes, you may have years of experience, but most people like to learn on their own and resent intrusions from the outside, especially from parents.
•  Don't guilt trip about their lack of involvement with you. Guilt increases distance and resentment.
•  If you're going to say no to a request for money or some other form of support, do it with affection and not as a complaint or criticism.
•  Take responsibility for mistakes you've made in the past.
•  If your adult child has cut off contact, don't respond with retaliation. 

Wisdom perhaps for more than just parent/child relationships as well. 

My #1 Principle for Reconciliation

Just a short and sweet note tonight. I had multiple thoughts battling it out in my mind this evening. This is the one I wanted to jot down. My #1 principle for reconciliation:

1. Reconciliation cannot be at the expense of other relationships in your life. If being reconciled to someone will take time, energy and affection away from other people in your support system and cause additional cut-offs in other relationships, it's just not time for reconciliation yet.

One person is unable to complete the process of reconciliation. Being able to restore a relationship really reflects on the relational health of the support system of both parties involved. I don't believe in forcing reconciliation. I also don't believe in excusing relational cut-offs, especially in family. However, when an individual is blessed with a reconciliation of a relationship, the entire family is blessed, enlarged, and grows. A forced reconciliation will just re-establish the wounds that are present and the reasons for the cut-off.

That said - as a third party to a relational cut-off you will know you are ready for reconciliation when you are able to hear both sides of a story and believe both sides to be true. Its a challenge, no doubt about it. The blessings of a restored relationship, make it worth going through all the work.