An Organic Faith Community

A faith community is often an important part of creating and maintaining a healthy support system. Why? I am glad you asked. The way I see it, by the time I make it to the weekend, I feel bruised and battered by the world (sometimes excited and honored, but not as often), and I want some down-time to release the build up of stress. Just one of the many reasons I enjoy the Sabbath, however, not my main focus today.  By attending church, I am taking the opportunity to release the relational/emotional poisons that build up in my attitudes and actions, and instead am actively seeking the antidote. This does assume that the church body you attend is able to filter out the following poisons:

• Out loud shaming – What’s wrong with you?

• Focus on performance – love and acceptance is earned by doing or not doing certain things

• Manipulation – What people think of us is more important than what is

• Idolatry – An impossible to please “god” who is obsessed over people’s behaviors from distance.

• Having to deny thoughts, opinions or feelings different from those in authority.

• Unbalanced interrelatedness – either under (neglect) or over (enmeshment) involvement in the lives of others. Everyone is responsible for everyone else, while ironically no one is responsible for himself or herself.;David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderon The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse

A focus on performance drives weekday activities. Are duties being completed at work? Are clients satisfied? Are children completing homework and getting good grades?  Is the house clean? Lawn mowed? If certain tasks aren't done it can affect employment, grades and one's own reputation involving the ability to care for home and family. It is often very discouraging to attend a church where the focus is on performance. Some people are able to thrive on it, for a while, but most individuals just wilt under the pressure of having to perform, when instead they need to be renewed for the fight ahead the next week. To show you how evident the expectations of performance are even in a church,  research shows, "new families are welcomed (into a church) according to two basic traits:  Is the couple good-looking? And is the couple outgoing? Failing these, a family too often is left to its own devices to connect with the congregation." (Bill Ehlig and Ruby K. Payne, Ph.D What Every Church Member should Know About Poverty). A faith community, a body of believers, plays an enormous role in a individual and family's future...every weekend hope is offered, that this isn't what life will always be like, that there is a future that is better than this drudgery. What happens when instead of hope, a church experience offers more drudgery, more performance, more of the same? Life becomes about making the right people happy so that they just leave me alone. No hope, few dreams, and profound discouragement. A healthy functioning church body, operates much like the plants and trees around me that take the co2 that I breathe out, a poison to me, and instead releases o2 into the air, an elixir of life. A healthy church body is able to absorb my attempts at making worship about performance, and release grace into my surroundings. The only antidote to obsessions of performance and perfection, is recognizing that I can never earn my own salvation, it is freely given to me by my Savior.

Here is my vision of the role a faith community in a person's life:
I have to perform during the week to meet other people's expectations (Supervisor, Teacher, Neighbors, Family, Friends). This fills me up with stress because I know that I can't perform perfectly all the time. On the weekend, Sabbath (Saturday) or Sunday, I attend a worship service. I bring all of the ugly attitudes, thoughts and actions with me that have bombarded me all week in an attempt to perfectly perform my roles. From the moment I am greeted, with kindness and warmth,  when I arrive to church, I have already begun to exchange my ugly thoughts and attitudes for hope, forgiveness and Grace.Some weeks I may have more ugly thoughts, attitudes, and actions that others. As I grow in Grace, each week there might be fewer ugly thoughts, and a deeper appreciation of the Grace I have been shown, and then I might be able to carry a little bit of that Grace back to my family, my neighbors, my community, and any other part of my support system. This vision recognizes then that a worship experience is based upon the mental, physical, emotional,  relational, spiritual health of the other members of the faith community, and each week my spiritual experience will likely be different. A grace oriented faith community, will focus on showing each other grace, filling each other up with hugs, encouraging words, acts of service, quality time together, and caring gifts (Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages).

This shows how tentative an organic faith community experience can be. Being in an organic faith community means it reflects back the spiritual health of the people attending. Individuals focused on performance, will reduce a worship service to a drudgery, just one more thing to get through. However, individuals focused on Grace, on the One, on our Savior, will fill each other with up love, support each other through the storms, and celebrate the victories, and will draw men, women and children to Him.

Using questions to connect

This week I attended training on Attachment Disorders. An intense 8 hour class, on how to help individuals recover after attachment trauma has occurred, usually while very young, in a manner that allows a child to trust a parental figure again. No small challenge there! One of the ways to build trust shared by Denise L. Best, LMHC, is the way a person communicates with an attachment traumatized child. Giving someone a parent figure to rebel against, is often the typical way parents, parent. "Don't do that because I said so" " Homework is due on Monday, I expect that you will have it done tonight." This doesn't seem unreasonable, especially coming from a parent. However, someone who has experienced attachment trauma, has taken care of their own needs for a long time, and maybe even met the needs of younger siblings. So instead of parenting what occurred in the statements above, is the pre-cursor to a power struggle. Using questions, is a way to reduce defensiveness in other people, and provides an opportunity to be on the same page. Denise L. Best, LMHC recommends that 75% of communication with attachment traumatized individuals be in the form of questions.

It reminded me of reading Bridges out of Poverty by Ruby Payne, Ph.D. Using the "Adult Voice" to communicate with individuals who are adults, that as a child/teenager were "parentified." Using the parent voice is an insult to someone who cared for themselves and others. Especially in an area of expertise, it can be second nature to make a statement about how to handle a situation. Having been in conversations though, where a statement, was the trigger for another person to argue, my own observations agree, depending on the people involved, statements can create conflict, rather than manage conflict.

It can be overwhelming though to know where to start. I have included a link below on how to ask "elaborating questions." Questions that require more than a yes/no answer, and can help create connections and build trust between individuals.

http://questioning.org/Q7/toolkit3.html#anchor214498

Emotional Vitality

 

I have studied more on emotional resources lately, trying to understand exactly how to create a reservoir of positivity to draw from when dealing with day-to-day challenges. What I have discovered is that I actually have way more to learn then I imagined. For example: in the brain "play circuitry defers to bad feelings - anxiety, anger and sadness - all of which suppress playfulness." Daniel Goleman ~ Social Intelligence. And in fact, perhaps "mood swings" from positive to negative emotions are quite troubling, even more so than I thought because the unpredictability create someone I don't want to be. "When emotions are too muted, they create dullness and distance; when out of control, too extreme and persistent, they become pathological, as in immobilizing depression, over-whelming anxiety, raging anger, manic agitation." (Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence). Emotion management is something that Ruby Payne Ph.D. also mentions repeatedly, regarding an individuals ability to move from poverty to middle class, or from middle class to wealth, noting that "Emotional resources are the most important of all the resources because, when present, they allow the individual not to return to old habit patterns" (Ruby Payne, Ph. D, What Every Church Member should Know About Poverty).

So this is what I know so far.....

1. The brain defers to negative emotions

2. Emotional vitality and health comes from keeping emotions in balance.

3.Emotional management or having a reservoir of positive emotions to draw from is very important


More to come....

Social Intelligence - The New Science of Human Relationships by Daniel Goleman
Emotional Intelligence - Why it can matter more than IQ by Daniel Goleman
What Every Church Member Should Know About Poverty Bill Ehlig and Ruby Payne Ph.D. 

That's Not what the Bible Says....

I enjoy reading to children.... It is so much fun to connect to an "old friend" and sharing the book with children, is a way to experience the book in a new way again. I heard my Mom (over the phone) reading "Too Many Mittens" to my niece and nephews. It is also a fun way to remember being read to by my Mom, their Grandma. Great Memories.....

A portion of my time at work is spent helping families connect to community resources. A family without the necessary resources to survive and/or cope with stress loses hope, and sinks in to mental illness, dependency (learned helplessness) and destructive behavior (including violence, substance/alcohol abuse, and gambling). It is crucial to find the support systems necessary to help carry a family through a painful time. One of the first steps I take each time is to call churches that are closest to the family in proximity. I then offer them the opportunity to help a family - if the family is willing to make the connection after I have found out the level of willingness a church family expresses.  Unfortunately, I don't get to share good news with the family very often. I accept the rejection without telling the family, and move onto the next opportunity within the community to help them.

This is what I am thinking though, like the children's book "Hey, That's Not what the Bible Says" (Bill Ross). Its an interpretation that isn't necessarily accurate... 

"Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’" Matthew 25:34-

I don't think He said, "only if they attend church every week" or "only if they deserve the help" or "only if it will be of benefit to your congregation" or "Only if they don't take advantage of the help." He Said " You saw a need, and you met the need, and in doing this service for them, you did it for Me too."

I understand the concern - there is so much need and so many people who would take advantage of it. But it is part of being a Christian that sometimes I carry more of the burden than maybe is fair, because someone else cannot, and I carry that cross as an example of what Christ did for me.... and those who are lost, hurting and in need. 

Listed below are the resources each person and/or family need to keep in balance to stay emotionally balanced:

Internal and External Resources (Bridges out of Poverty Ruby Payne Ph.D). 

Financial

Emotional - the most significant of all resources - when in balance keeps from returning to destructive behavior. 

Mental 

Spiritual

Physical

Support Systems

Relationships/Role Models

Knowledge of Hidden Rules

Coping Strategies

How to Change your Behavior

With the new year - I am always inspired to try something new - the only exception to that was the end of 2008. My husband and I were 8 weeks away from becoming debt free. All of our energy and focus was directed toward finishing the goal, not starting something new. Here at the start of 2010 - I am once again looking at what I want to change, what I want to be different, how I want to be different after 2010. My reason: I want to improve myself, my family, my future for my husband and our future children. There might be other reasons to change though, such as:

Pain-Motivated Change

Change Created by Being Pulled Toward New Behavior
Change Forced by a Push from Someone Else or by Circumstances
http://www.learningplaceonline.com/therapy/motivates.htm

The hard part of course is making the behavior changes stick. Learning the new skills necessary to make the change, can be just as challenging as actually changing behaviors. Don't be surprised if you feel a sense of loss, even if it is a change for the better. Leaving the familiar, the safe, is always stressful, and choosing stress, when dealing with stress due to environment (i.e. job, family, health, finances) may seem too much to handle.

When dealing with changes expect to experience an increase in the unwanted actions - due to the familiarity of the behavior that is being extinguished. Also continually practice adding positives (toward your goal), to keep busy and help your brain re-organize around a new structure of activity. The new structure, is actually essential to creating change, or you might sink into destructive behavior due to learned helplessness.


Phase of numbing that usually lasts from a few hours to a week and may be interrupted by outbursts of extremely intense distress and/or anger.


Phase of yearning and searching for the lost figure lasting some months or sometimes for years.
Phase of disorganization and despair.
Phase of greater or less degree of organization. - John Bowlby Loss: Sadness and Depression

It may also be helpful to use the Holmes and Rahe stress inventory to recognize stressors you may currently be experiencing.  A score of 300+  gives you a 90% change of developing an illness, having an accident, or "blowing up" (you know, emotional meltdowns, aaack).

http://www.managingpressure.com/downloads/6_Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_inventory.pdf

There are two ways to work around the attachment/loss scenario, and the stress scenario that can impact an individual's ability to succeed. 

1. Educate yourself: Learn everything you can about what you want to become, what has worked for others and how to incorporate them into your life.
2. Find a Mentor: Someone who has gone through the process before, or perhaps never struggled because they were taught, or intuitively knew how to be successful in that area.

My husband and I used the Dave Ramsey plan to get out of debt (www.daveramsey.com), however we wouldn't have gotten that far without a personal connection, friends who are financially successful, who gave us the emotional boost to get started.

Who is in charge?

Getting through holiday tension among adults requires a bit of a road-map to understand the relationship dynamics that are likely to be playing out in front of you. For the most part, traditions (relational, emotional, type traditions) appear to pass from Mother to Daughter, so it is likely that a priority will be placed on the wife/mother's side of the family for holiday get-together's. I think it is important to keep this in mind, so that adjustments and negotiations can take place in a reasonable manner. (I rarely see the wife/mother give up a preferred holiday to her in-laws (however I am blessed to know some truly sweet people who are not so territorial), so coming to peace with it emotionally is very important for all people involved). However, this is complicated by hidden rules of class when the argument over holiday get-together's ensue.

Poverty Mindset - Matriarchal structure, female in charge makes the rules (may be posturing for which female is most dominate, the care-giver of children usually wins), everyone else submits or deal with being  emotionally/physically punished. Women in poverty are primarily friends with the females in their family of origin ( so this is very insular/protected group of people). Men play the role of fighter in an argument, and will fight to defend their woman's honor/choices. This is why some events end in a brawl, and everyone gathers together again next year.

Middle-Class: Patriarchal structure, negotiation sets the tone of conversation , self-governance is the view of interactions, so everyone is responsible for getting along. If an argument breaks out, the two involved will usually end it because arguing in public is a breach of the rules. The argument is usually resolved by negotiating an outcome agreeable to both parties.

Wealth:  The question of day is - who has the most $. Family members react of not wanting to upset the person who has the most money. A great example of this is the movie "The Ultimate Gift."   Your own children might not be as important, as staying in good graces with the person in charge.

Evident Weakenesses:

Poverty: Emotional Punishment for those who go against the Female's wishes

Middle-Class: Triangulation (team up with someone else)

Wealth; Fawning, sucking up, using others to get to the family fortune,  etc

When families with several generations gather together, there is also the challenge of family members marrying individuals who follow the hidden rules of another class group, and they are all gathered together at the same holiday event. Peace on earth is usually not the memorable experience.  So to smooth over those troubles keep in mind to keep practicing the "Adult Voice."

Use of the Adult Voice is crucial - whether you think the other person is acting like an adult or not. In fact, the more parentified a person was as a child, the more important it is to use the "Adult Voice" because even though they are likely to act like a child, to treat them like a child by using the "Parent Voice" will be the biggest insult of all. Keep practicing the "Adult Voice", it may ease high tension moments enough, to let everyone de-escalate.

Ultimately situations that involve the most conflict, need to be handled by the related individual. Conflict with my family is addressed whenever possible my me, so that I can help my husband and my family learn to emotionally and relationally invest in each other. The same is true with my husband's family, because he has the relationship with his family members, he is the person who connects us to them. This also means that I have learned to just mind my own business, because even if my family wouldn't handle it that way, his does, and that began long before my joining the family. My hope is that his Mom has had time to adjust, and not experienced too many demands to change. If I want to do something that involves his family, I ask my husband, and that means recognizing some areas are off limits and when he is ready, he will move forward on it.

This also ties in well to concepts from  "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work." John Gottman Ph.D.

#4: Let Your Partner Influence You. It is important to maintain your own identity in a relationship, but it is equally important to yield to your partner and give in. If both partners allow one another this influence, then they will learn to respect one another on a deeper level.

References to Hidden Rules of Class from "Crossing the Tracks for Love. Ruby Payne,Ph.D.

Seeing our family as they are...

In honor of the holiday season, and the multitude of opportunities to connect and visit with family members, I thought I would highlight the immediate and extended family relationships. I think there is a tendency to take a "mental picture" of an individual and place it in a frame, and from there forward when I interact with this person, this is how I see them. The cousin that was a drunk, the sibling that was a goof off, the couple who are poor, raising a family and struggling to make ends meet. Sibling rivalry can also factor in, who gets everyone's attention, competition over who is more successful, who is married, who has children, and whose physical appearance is the best. It can really feel like a transport back in time to younger days, when problem-solving skills were less available, and emotion management required parental assistance  However, its not really fair to someone who has gone through rehab, grown-up and carrying adult responsibilities, and the couple who have sacrificed and worked hard to create a life for their family. I think it would be fair to say, if they hold down a job, volunteer, or run a household, they are more than able to relate to each other in the "adult voice."  I wish that it was easier to change roles, to let other's change roles in our "mental picture of them, and to allow others the freedom to grow-up, become successful, and allow them to learn from their mistakes/successes. Perhaps then there are some key components missing when interacting with adults that we have shared a lifetime, or a portion of our life with. If there is a skill to practice, refine, and integrate into daily interactions it would be that of the "Adult Voice."



Practicing the skills of the adult voice takes time. For individuals who have parented themselves or others (as a child) , it can feel as if you are losing control of your own future, when in fact it allows others to invest relationally and emotionally in you. In fact, I observe such a lack of the "adult voice" in so many interactions, personally and professionally, I think it may be a key, if not the key, to more reciprocal relationships. Thinking this through, with the desired outcome in mind,  if relationships, especially in a family become more reciprocal, it might lead to... dare I say it....Friendship.

Additional Resources

http://www.hpindahouse.org/dialogues/dialogues.html


PDF information is available on the following at this website.

The hidden rules of class

10 qualities of resilient relationships - a great tool to assess current relationships. To recognize strengths and weaknesses in the relationship - not to end relationships (and to know where to start practicing new skills in relationships)

Internal and External Resources - the lack of which describes the level of poverty or the abundance of which describes the level of wealth a person is experiencing.

What motivates people to change - recognizing there are several different ways people come to the conclusion change is necessary.


I hope this is a blessing to you!!

The hidden rules of poverty, middle class and wealth - Ruby Payne Ph. D.

The hidden rules of class shape our behavior, impact our relationships, and create endless opportunities to offend or miss the mark when relating to others.

This is a frequent conversation at my house based on the rules of "time management" and the "Driving Forces" that influence our choices. With apologies to my hubby (not an actual conversation, but you see the main concepts).

Hubby and I sharing a day off - Vacation time to enjoy together. :)

Me: I need your help cleaning the car, cleaning the house, running errands and then we will find something fun to do.

Hubby: Why don't you just relax?

Me: Why don't you take the needs of our household seriously?

Hubby (getting irritated): I work hard all day, I just want to relax!

Me (also irritated): Fine, then who is going to get all of this done?

Hubby (done talking): ugh....

When we take vacation time together now - I take a day early to accomplish my list of things to do, so I know our home is running smoothly. Then hubby joins me with a day off to just relax. I hope this explains it somewhat. I want to post information from Rich Church, Poor Church, where I went in depth on some these concepts.

Hidden rules of class table is from "Crossing the Tracks for love" by Ruby Payne, Ph.D

Teamwork - practicing working together for a common goal

I was reminded by a long-time family friend this weekend, as I shared my husband and my journey of being debt free, the importance of teamwork. Prior to getting married, my husband and I sat down and worked out a budget - how to pay for the wedding, part of the reception, and honeymoon. I had a budget in front of me - now to just make it work. I naively thought that one conversation would be enough, and that we were not only mentally on the same page but behaviorally on the same page. Life went on. Since we weren't married yet, we kept separate bank accounts as that seemed to me the proper thing to do. The next bank statement from his bank arrived, and since I cared more, I went to balance his account. I am afraid that both my husband and I are now traumatized by the name Mr. Beans, which I am sure is a lovely coffee shop, which also ended up with a lot of my then fiance's money. Unfortunately the following conversation... ok, argument that ensued not only traumatized myself and my fiance, but my sister who happened to be working on her wedding decorations in the other room.

During our pre-marital counseling our Counselor suggested having an agreed upon amount that either one of us could spend without needing approval from the other person. The amount he suggested $50-200 made me catch my breath - when we needed almost every dollar to pay bills, pay for the wedding and keep food in both houses. After we were married, and in the thick of the battle to get out of debt, in jest I told Jonathan I would agree to a $0.99 limit on purchases that we could make without approval from the other. Several days later a $0.99 purchase from iTunes came through the bank account, and a couple of days later a $0.89 purchase from Taco Bell. It made me laugh, but also allowed some freedom in decision-making that even for the moment made the difficult battle we were in easier to manage.

My first lesson learned, over a very long period of time, that not every plan we discuss will be executed perfectly. In fact it took us a long time to get on the same page financially - and we needed the assistance of Dave Ramsey to actually be successful. I hope that in the end I am more gracious when mistakes happen. Realizing that even though a conversation may have occurred the behaviors that will ensure success still have to be practiced in order to make everything work together. I do know that yelling, sniping, stonewalling and general irritability won't help. Its the conversation that is important - the analyzing what went wrong, deciding what additional supports are needed, and providing encouragement and a "soft place to fall" when the plan falls apart.

Budgeting together at first happened with difficulty. I however am proud that now we discuss our budget together, agree on the amount we will spend on different items together, and work the plan together.

However I really wish the book "Crossing the Tracks for Love" by Ruby Payne Ph.D. had been available before I married. I think I would have had been more understanding of where my husband was coming from in his thinking about money. I am hoping it is also helpful in the areas of parenting, in-law relationships, and other hot button marriage issues.