Seeing our family as they are...

In honor of the holiday season, and the multitude of opportunities to connect and visit with family members, I thought I would highlight the immediate and extended family relationships. I think there is a tendency to take a "mental picture" of an individual and place it in a frame, and from there forward when I interact with this person, this is how I see them. The cousin that was a drunk, the sibling that was a goof off, the couple who are poor, raising a family and struggling to make ends meet. Sibling rivalry can also factor in, who gets everyone's attention, competition over who is more successful, who is married, who has children, and whose physical appearance is the best. It can really feel like a transport back in time to younger days, when problem-solving skills were less available, and emotion management required parental assistance  However, its not really fair to someone who has gone through rehab, grown-up and carrying adult responsibilities, and the couple who have sacrificed and worked hard to create a life for their family. I think it would be fair to say, if they hold down a job, volunteer, or run a household, they are more than able to relate to each other in the "adult voice."  I wish that it was easier to change roles, to let other's change roles in our "mental picture of them, and to allow others the freedom to grow-up, become successful, and allow them to learn from their mistakes/successes. Perhaps then there are some key components missing when interacting with adults that we have shared a lifetime, or a portion of our life with. If there is a skill to practice, refine, and integrate into daily interactions it would be that of the "Adult Voice."



Practicing the skills of the adult voice takes time. For individuals who have parented themselves or others (as a child) , it can feel as if you are losing control of your own future, when in fact it allows others to invest relationally and emotionally in you. In fact, I observe such a lack of the "adult voice" in so many interactions, personally and professionally, I think it may be a key, if not the key, to more reciprocal relationships. Thinking this through, with the desired outcome in mind,  if relationships, especially in a family become more reciprocal, it might lead to... dare I say it....Friendship.