Why is it important that within your support group, not all of your friends and associates, and family members know each other?
I have a couple of personal reasons...
1. Space - a chance to show my individual preferences in friendships, and work, school or interest related activities.
2. Freedom of expression - I have different roles in different relationships. I don't necessarily want my work and personal lives overlapping ( oh, wait they already do). I do like having some say in the information other people have about me though.
From the previous post there is an activity on identifying individuals in your support system. From that paper you have completed with the number of people identified in the following groups - total the number of people in your support system.
1. Family in the 1st Degree: Parents, Siblings, Children
2. Family in the 2nd Degree and farther: Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins
3. Friends: Lifelong and current
4. Associates: work, church, clubs, recreation, school
What is your total? The number of people that you are able to share your life with in a meaningful way, both in a instrumental way, and in friendship or familial bonds that you enjoy participating. That number has a significant impact on your ability to maintain emotional stability every day.
"When a (support) system drops below a minimum number of people it tends to fall into one of two degrees of impoverishment:
1. The Neurotic System: People who are supported by as few as 10-12 people begin to show signs of depression and distortions in their world around them. Only about 30% know each other. In this system a person feels fragile and anxious.
2. The Psychotic System: When the support system drops as low as four or five people 100% of them know each other - because they are all focused on this "basket case" of a person who needs constant attention." (Bonding: Relationships in the Image of God. Donald Joy,
Ph.D.)
The "neurotic individual" does not have the confidence to share his/her friends and family with others and therefore never feels really connected. It is usually the person who continually carries that wistful attitude about them - "I wish that I had more friends, people who really know me". Getting to know a person is expressed in some manner in the relationships around you. As C.S. Lewis describes in the four loves "in each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity ; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets" (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves).
The "psychotic individual" is where true mental illness plays out. I have actually been involved with a family where the only individuals available to support them, were "formal supports" due to services offered professionally to help maintain the integrity of the family. This is a heart-breaking situation to observe. The level of mental illness involved untreated is just astonishing. This kind of relationship though is ....exhausting, and can only be maintained in the short term, before someone exits the relationship and the hurting self involved will find another to take their place.
I have observed though another response, where personal responsibilities are intertwined with that of another person, or several other persons. This "relational enmeshment" is developed out of sorrow, and a fear of growing through the pain. There is always someone willing to rescue another in pain, and in a moment, the responsibility of managing one's own resources (spiritual, financial, relational, emotional) may transfer from self to other. In an episode of "Friends" Rachel becomes so discouraged with her choices in men, she allows Monica to make all of her choices about whom she will or won't date. This is the beginning of "enmeshment." By the end of the episode Rachel decides that she would rather make her own mistakes, then let someone make decisions for her. This is actually a step of maturity. One of the pitfalls of therapy is becoming more invested in an outcome than a client shows. That is a sign that responsibility for the problem has transferred from the person in crisis, to the Therapist, and enmeshing is occurring, over involvement in finding a solution is occurring on the part of the Therapist. A church is another place that boundaries may blur, out of initial compassion, but once responsibility has transferred from a hurting self to other, it can be an obsession on the part of other to fix the problem, no matter the consequences, or interest of the hurting self to cooperate in "fixing" the problem. One of the signs that toxic attitudes and beliefs exist in a church:
"Unbalanced interrelatedness – either under (neglect) or over (enmeshment) involvement in the lives of others. Everyone is responsible for everyone else, while ironically no one is responsible for himself or herself. The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.
It reminds me again of something C.S. Lewis wrote. Susan completely vexed by the way her younger sister Lucy is acting approaches the Professor (who is providing shelter and care for them until Susan and her three siblings may return safely to the care of their Mother), for help managing her "lies".
"But what are we to do?" said Susan.
"My dear young lady" said the Professor, "there is one plan which no one has yet suggested and which is well worth trying."
"What's that?" said Susan.
"We might all try minding our own business."
What does this mean? To maintain your own integrity, your own expression of who you are as an individual, make sure your own business (i.e: work, family, home, schoolwork) is completed before you worry about other's business.
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