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I worship most weeks with a lot of individuals in my support system... in fact if you look at my trampoline of support... I have individuals from 3 of the 4 areas at worship every week (almost every week) 1. Immediate family. 2. Extended family 3. Friends. I am dependent on these individuals who support my spiritual growth. Having known and worshiped with some these individuals my entire life, and some their entire lives, maintaining a meaningful level of engagement with each other, without being too overwhelming, or too distant is challenging.
I can't begin to describe the challenges when as an extended family you worship together every week. Confusing roles of Christian Brothers and Sisters, which we all are in Christ, and sibling, parental, and other familial roles is something that has to be watched closely. My obligation as a Sister in Christ is far different than my obligation as sister, wife, and daughter/daughter in law. When I step in to the worship environment, I wear a different hat even in my personal relationships, then I do at any other point in the week. The importance of this balancing act is mentioned in "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse( by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen)". Spiritual abuse occurs when the focus on performance of the members drives the congregation, and grace, (i.e giving others choices, space and loving an individual no matter what), becomes less important. For family members where roles are more likely to be confused anyways, spiritual abuse may occur in the forms of neglect or enmeshment:
"Unbalanced interrelatedness – either under (neglect) or over (enmeshment) involvement in the lives of others. Everyone is responsible for everyone else, while ironically no one is responsible for himself or herself. "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse( by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen)".
As I establish a relationship that is healthy in a church environment with family members in attendance, I find Paula Rinehart's words to be the most insightful. "Love has space. In a close relationship, we have to recognize the part of the equation that uniquely belongs to the other person. It's their choice, their feelings, their responsibility, their painful past - that kind of thing. .... To resist the urge to fix someone I love takes buckets of restraint, especially when an insight crosses my mind I think they just can't live without. But to fix them, to offer advice or help not asked for, is to invade their territory - to infringe on this invisible sort of space(Strong Women, Soft Hearts)." I have my own opinions on spirituality, a Christian walk and Advent-ism. Keeping my opinions to myself, futile at times...Especially if I would handle something differently.
Paula Rinehart goes on to explain this following section of scripture:
" Bear you one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ...... For every man shall bear his own burden.Galations 6:2,5" I have often felt that there is a burden that I carry - that no one else holds responsibility over. Even when friends have given me the best advice, and I follow it, the burden I carry is my own. Paula Rinehart describes it this way. "We are to share the extra heavy trials of life. Right in the same chapter, however, Paul makes a curious statement: 'each man must bear his own load.' That sounds contradictory until you realize the word for load means 'knapsack.' Each of us has a knapsack to carry through life that is uniquely our own....The choices that shape the way you see the picture (life, spirituality, etc) are uniquely yours (Strong Women, Soft Hearts Paula Rinehart)."
I love the idea of the knapsack.... In that knapsack are the decisions I have made or will make such as...maintaining my physical appearance and health, my relationships, financial decisions, to go to school or not to go to school, and most importantly my spiritual decisions. If I have a knapsack, then that means that you have a knapsack, my hubby has a knapsack, my family have their knapsacks, and my friends carry their own knapsacks. Areas in their lives that are none of my business, and to invade those decisions with my opinion is dis-respectful, and vice versa.
Worshiping with family can be an incredible experience. I share a part of my life in a meaningful way with people I care about, alot. I also am able to watch my nieces and nephews, and other young adults grow in their faith, an unanticipated blessing in my life. My desire is that friends and family members of mine, if they desire, would be able to worship with the people in their lives they hold most precious, their spouses, children, and extended family members. When I get to heaven, the people I will look for first, are the individuals who have made up my support system hear on earth. In fact, perhaps someday, even more of my extended family will worship with us, as we learn to get along here on earth, in preparation of worshiping together in heaven. But I digress.... the challenge is how to maintain one's own beliefs Christian, Adventist, etc while participating in worship with a group of imperfect sinners. It's a conversation my husband and I have...How do we prepare our lives for children, and ensuring that we pass the torch of faith in a meaningful way, in spite of the actions of other's in our support system, especially when we disagree with their decisions? We have several options to choose from:
1. Ignore them - leave our children to learn their own lesson
2. Cut them Off - no relationship with our children if we don't see them as a good example
3.Or use other's decisions as teachable moments.Discuss what happened and our expectations as their parents.
Believe me we have discussed all three options.... however realistically we will go with number 3 and discuss what we want them to do. I could pretend that we could ignore a decision, but family members have a lot of influence over us. I could also pretend that cutting off adult family members until they behave the way I want is an option, but the ones who would hurt the most over that decision would be the children....So I plan to use stories to explain what I want, research when they are old enough, or sometimes that it is my emotional response and ultimately my preference to handle something a specific way. At least then I am giving my child(ren) an honest view of my spiritual walk and giving them honest feedback. I think the conversation about beliefs and choices is important because as children grow, and face adulthood, these conversations are going to happen. With friends, co-workers, classmates, professors and others, shaping their spiritual beliefs, challenging their decisions, and in the end, their spiritual decisions are their own. If I want to be a part of their spiritual journey, I will need to be open to questions, and show my children lots and lots of love. Parents are able to provide two things for the child, which are invaluable on their spiritual journey, the opportunity to ask questions of someone further along the spiritual journey, and unconditional love. What will draw your child back to you time after time, even as adults, the knowledge that no matter their choices, their Mom and Dad will always love them.
Worshiping together, as family here on earth, and as brothers and sisters in Christ, is challenging, the kind of challenges only overcome by prayer, holding your tongue, and lots more prayer. But it is also a joyful experience...the kind of joy described by the apostle John.
"Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers. For I rejoiced greatly, when the brothers came and testified of the truth that is in you, even as you walk in the truth. I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. III John 1:2-4" (emphasis mine).
Let your children, your spouse, your family members carry their own knapsack. Show them love and respect by allowing them space. That respect will provide more opportunities to share in their lives, perhaps even the opportunity to worship together... the experience of worshiping together as a family, priceless.
