Insight Please!

           Dinner tonight with my hubby inspired some thoughts regarding individual behavior in relationships. Personal insight into choices individuals make seems strangely lacking to me. My hubby told me the story of an acquaintance of his who exhibits the same behavior (i.e self-righteousness) that he or she claims to abhor. Moments like that I wonder how come there is so little personal reflection. If I don't like how I am treated by others, why would I treat other people in a manner I am so profoundly upset by.

          I observe this behavior in personal relationships quite often. I have observed people I have worked with complain about the way they are treated by their family. Either controlled, ignored or somewhere completely confusing and infuriating in between. However, those individuals are so focused on the relationship that is irritating them and over which they have less influence or control, a power struggle in that relationship often ensues. Sometimes those power struggles last a lifetime and continue on through multiple generations. Yet these same adults engaged in a power struggle with senior members (parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles) or peer members (cousins, siblings, etc) of their family,  cannot see how they are creating the very same environment for their children. The only environment over which these adult children have the power to create is the one in their own home with young children, and the power to influence their older children. Needless energy is wasted on attempting to correct the past, when the future sits for a fleeting moment literally in their laps. If just a little of the energy that is directed at those who have hurt them, were instead focused on loving, caring and paying attention to their children, imagine the difference that could be made. Instead, I often see the children used as pawns, effective pawns, as grandparents kowtow to their adult children, having learned the lesson of relationships too late to influence their own children, and worried if they do not give in they will not have a relationship with their grandchildren. And the resentment builds. And 20 years from now, the parents will be grandparents, regretting relational decisions they made with both their parents and their children, only now their children will be in control of their relationship with their grandchildren. And the cycle continues.

           I am not without temptation in this area. My most recent trip to our counselor included my comment of "why can't other people have some insight into their actions." Our counselor told me "you only have a say in what you and (your hubby) decide to do." So true. The question is in my relationships will I choose to have insight regarding my behavior. My behavior, not anyone else's behavior. When I am in the midst of such inner searching my go to book is "Strong women, Soft hearts." I found in there the confrontational moment I needed and the area I needed to continually pray about. I found it in the chapter on "Losing Heart " :

 We live by inner statements that are born out of experienced pain, and these statements shape our lives more than we can possibly imagine. If the wound is great enough, or the experience happened early in our lives, these inner statements are much more akin to a vow.  No way, not while there is tea in China, will we get stuck in that experience again .That's the intensity associated
with a vow. It's like concrete that hardens around a wound, something calcified that only the love of Christ can soften and dissolve. (Rinehart, 2001, p. 56).

 Yeah, that sounds about right. I am looking at the vows I have made and praying about them. Yes, I have some pretty strong vows I have made.I haven't changed them or let go of them yet. Just being aware of them is challenging. Only, I don't like the person those vows tempt me to become. I also don't like the vulnerability letting go of those vows creates in my heart. I also have a lot of uncertainty as to what an environment without these vows will look like. So many questions this spiritual confrontation has created in my heart.  Will I be brave enough to explore the possibilities? Or will I turn back to and embrace my vows to protect myself? Will I choose to create the very means by which I could alienate my own children? I don't have the answer yet.

Comforted like Job

"In the world you will have trouble, but I'm leaving you my peace
That where I am, there you may also be" Rich Mullins.


I find the story of Job a great comfort. There was a time in my life when it seemed like all would be lost. Relationships..... gone. Financial support....... gone. Emotions reeling from all of the losses. Spiritually drained - exceeding hopelessness, and an uncertain future. My emotions in a place of constant change as well, dealing with uncertainty and fear of the future. Honestly though, I am glad that I didn't know that there would be even more painful losses in the future...however, that is for a different time, if I ever figure out how to tell that story.   

Why did I experience such loss in my younger days?

I believe that when we experience such devastating losses, there are two choices that we have to make:

1. Attempt to take control
2. Learn to become flexible

An attempt to take control over life is to give into the fear of loss and instead of embracing the new opportunities, to seek out a way to never feel such grief again. There are so many ways that losses are experienced, divorce (parents and/or personal), emotional cut-off, job loss, loss of a family member or friend, moving and so many more things,  The problem with taking control, is that in order to maintain control over relationships,  life and God, your emotional and relational world must become smaller and smaller. Why? Because relationships, life and God are unpredictable. So an attempt to control life, usually results in few people able to meet the "tests" and exceeding demands a person attempting to control can manage. Relational burnout occurs, and other people move into to replace those who can no longer emotionally support an individual in such desperate need of control. However, that control is comforting, it feels like protection and action against future losses. So I can understand why someone would choose this journey.

I like this verse in Job. I think it answers well the attempts to control God's actions in my life. "Shall the one who contends with the Almighty correct Him? He who rebukes God, let him answer it" (Job 40:2 NKJV). I am not saying that we must not question God. I am saying that when we do question God, the conversation gets real pretty fast.

The second option - learning to become flexible - is what I have sought most of my life in response to loss and grief. One of  my spiritual mentors is Paula Rinehart. Her book Strong Women, Soft Hearts, is a book that is well loved, bent, taped together, and always an inspiration no matter how many times I have read it.

Paula Rinehartsays "we meander through life, and somewhere along the way, pain enters our lives and leaves an indelible mark, as though it has actually been stamped on our passports. My point is that eventually pain does get stamped on your passport. No matter how hard you work to avoid it, pain makes its appearance; and the hardest part to accept, sometimes, is its inevitability" (Strong Women, Soft Hearts, 42-43).

Why do I choose to be flexible? Once again I am inspired by Paula Rinehart:

Exquisite pain that love is, it is forever interwoven with the risk of offering your heart to another person, who sometimes tramps all over it. Love anything....and your heart will be wrung. The more you succeed at love, the more you will have to lose. But honestly, would playing it safe and hedging your bets take you any place you really wanted to be? (Strong Women, Soft Hearts 158).

With flexibility my life, my heart, my home is enlarged. I have more blessings in my life and I have more opportunities for my future. Having made the choices I have, I cannot imagine living my life in a small spiritual box, or in a small relational box because I must have control over my life. My constant prayer is that I can accept the losses in my life, grieve the losses in my life, without taking them out on my husband, friends and family, and allow God to create beauty out of those losses.

I don't know why I must experience loss. I don't know why my family and friends must experience loss other than the fact that there is sin in the world. I do know that as I work through different losses, and give my future to God, that I am more content then I have ever been. Looking back at the story of Job, the ending is quite unexpected. Job responded to the rebuke from God by saying "I have uttered what i did not understand. Things too wonderful for which I did not understand" (Job 42:3). Out of Job's losses, losses so devastating I cannot understand, Job was  blessed, "now the Lord blessed the latter days of Job, more than his beginning"(Job 42:12).

I think that if you choose to be flexible and deal with life as it comes, with prayer and thanksgiving, you will find the blessings, because you will be looking for them.

 

My Knapsack

I worship most weeks with a lot of individuals in my support system... in fact if you look at my trampoline of support... I have individuals from 3 of the 4 areas at worship every week (almost every week) 1. Immediate family. 2. Extended family 3. Friends. I am dependent on these individuals who support my spiritual growth. Having known and worshiped with some these individuals my entire life, and some their entire lives, maintaining a meaningful level of engagement with each other, without being too overwhelming, or too distant is challenging.
I can't begin to describe the challenges when as an extended family you worship together every week. Confusing roles of Christian Brothers and Sisters, which we all are in Christ, and sibling, parental, and other familial roles is something that has to be watched closely. My obligation as a Sister in Christ is far different than my obligation as sister, wife, and daughter/daughter in law. When I step in to the worship environment, I wear a different hat even in my personal relationships, then I do at any other point in the week. The importance of this balancing act is mentioned in "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse( by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen)". Spiritual abuse occurs when the focus on performance of the members drives the congregation, and grace, (i.e giving others choices, space and loving an individual no matter what), becomes less important. For family members where roles are more likely to be confused anyways, spiritual abuse may occur in the forms of neglect or enmeshment:

"Unbalanced interrelatedness – either under (neglect) or over (enmeshment) involvement in the lives of others. Everyone is responsible for everyone else, while ironically no one is responsible for himself or herself. "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse( by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen)".

As I establish a relationship that is healthy in a church environment with family members in attendance, I find Paula Rinehart's words to be the most insightful. "Love has space. In a close relationship, we have to recognize the part of the equation that uniquely belongs to the other person. It's their choice, their feelings, their responsibility, their painful past - that kind of thing. .... To resist the urge to fix someone I love takes buckets of restraint, especially when an insight crosses my mind I think they just can't live without. But to fix them, to offer advice or help not asked for, is to invade their territory - to infringe on this invisible sort of space(Strong Women, Soft Hearts)." I have my own opinions on spirituality, a Christian walk and Advent-ism. Keeping my opinions to myself,  futile at times...Especially if I would handle something differently.

Paula Rinehart goes on to explain this following section of scripture:
" Bear you one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ...... For every man shall bear his own burden.Galations 6:2,5" I have often felt that there is a burden that I carry - that no one else holds responsibility over. Even when friends have given me the best advice, and I follow it, the burden I carry is my own. Paula Rinehart describes it this way. "We are to share the extra heavy trials of life. Right in the same chapter, however, Paul makes a curious statement: 'each man must bear his own load.' That sounds contradictory until you realize the word for load means 'knapsack.' Each of us has a knapsack to carry through life that is uniquely our own....The choices that shape the way you see the picture (life, spirituality, etc) are uniquely yours (Strong Women, Soft Hearts Paula Rinehart)."
I love the idea of the knapsack.... In that knapsack are the decisions I have made or will make such as...maintaining my physical appearance and health,  my relationships, financial decisions, to go to school or not to go to school, and most importantly my spiritual decisions. If I have a knapsack, then that means that you have a knapsack, my hubby has a knapsack, my family have their knapsacks, and my friends carry their own knapsacks. Areas in their lives that are none of my business, and to invade those decisions with my opinion is dis-respectful, and vice versa.

Worshiping with family can be an incredible experience. I share a part of my life in a meaningful way with people I care about, alot. I also am able to watch my nieces and nephews, and other young adults grow in their faith, an unanticipated blessing  in my life. My desire is that friends and family members of mine, if they desire, would be able to worship with the people in their lives they hold most precious, their spouses, children, and extended family members. When I get to heaven, the people I will look for first, are the individuals who have made up my support system hear on earth. In fact, perhaps someday, even more of my extended family will worship with us, as we learn to get along  here on earth, in preparation of worshiping together in heaven. But I digress.... the challenge is how to maintain one's own beliefs Christian, Adventist, etc while participating in worship with a group of imperfect sinners. It's a conversation my husband and I have...How do we prepare our lives for children, and ensuring that we pass the torch of faith in a meaningful way, in spite of the actions of other's in our support system, especially when we disagree with their decisions? We have several options to choose from:
1. Ignore them - leave our children to learn their own lesson
2. Cut them Off - no relationship with our children if we don't see them as a good example
3.Or use other's decisions as teachable moments.Discuss what happened and our expectations as their parents.

Believe me we have discussed all three options.... however realistically we will go with number 3 and discuss what we want them to do. I could pretend that we could ignore a decision, but family members have a lot of influence over us. I could also pretend that cutting off adult family members until they behave the way I want is an option, but the ones who would hurt the most over that decision would be the children....So I plan to use stories to explain what I want, research when they are old enough, or sometimes that it is my emotional response and ultimately my preference to handle something a specific way. At least then I am giving my child(ren) an honest view of my spiritual walk and giving them honest feedback. I think the conversation about beliefs and choices is important because as children grow, and face adulthood, these conversations are going to happen. With friends, co-workers, classmates, professors and others, shaping their spiritual beliefs, challenging their decisions, and in the end, their spiritual decisions are their own. If I want to be a part of their  spiritual journey, I will need to be open to questions, and show my children lots and lots of love. Parents are able to provide two things for the child, which are invaluable on their spiritual journey,  the opportunity to ask questions of someone further along the spiritual journey, and unconditional love. What will draw your child  back to you time after time, even as adults, the knowledge that no matter their choices, their Mom and Dad will always love them.

Worshiping together, as family here on earth, and as brothers and sisters in Christ, is challenging, the kind of challenges only overcome by prayer,  holding your tongue, and lots more prayer. But it is also a joyful experience...the kind of joy described by the apostle John.

"Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers. For I rejoiced greatly, when the brothers came and testified of the truth that is in you, even as you walk in the truth. I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. III John 1:2-4" (emphasis mine).

Let your children, your spouse, your family members carry their own knapsack. Show them love and respect by allowing them space. That respect will provide more opportunities to share in their lives, perhaps even the opportunity to worship together... the experience of worshiping together as a family, priceless.