A cosmic do-over!

This week was full of emotional peaks and valleys. As I come to the finish line of this week and take a moment to reflect, I realize I am abundantly and overwhelmingly blessed. I say this even though I am far grumpier at the moment, then I can ever remember being or would ever want to be again. I blame it all on my quickly growing little one, affectionately of course. Over the last few months I have thought of my little one as "baby", an unknown individual, someone I will know in the future. Now I know this little one is my son! My son! I am still getting used to it. My heart literally melts whenever my hubby calls home during a break and wants to know how our son is doing. Such a little bit of knowledge has changed everything. I realize too not everyone gets a second chance like we are experiencing.

Years and years ago I remember listening to an episode of Dr. Laura on the radio. During a call she talked with a woman about the fact that we have two chances in life to have a parent/child relationship. First as a child with our own parents and second as the parents to our own children. I remember her suggesting to this woman that instead of trying so hard to fix her relationship with her mother, to focus on the relationship with her daughter, not to fix her past, but to give her daughter the best of her love, attention and devotion. This call has always stuck in the corner of my mind and occasionally I would ponder it. This week, this memory was brought to the forefront of my mind again. My husband and I get a do-over.

My husband for many years did not have his father in his life. The reasons are too many to discuss or to worry about at this point. Relationships are often so complicated, burdened by the issues of more then one generation and more than one family even. All that mattered in the middle of these complex relationships is my husband grew up without his father present. This week, each time I think about how blessed we are to have this second chance, I begin to cry. My husband gets to experience a parent/child relationship with his son. I am not saying we are going to fix the past. What's done is done. I am saying that I have a little boy who will know his father and I have a husband who will know his son. We are so blessed! ( and yes, I am crying again).

Come to me all who are weary....

 It was a bit of a jolt to my sensibilities when I joined the working world after I graduated college, when I discovered that I would at some point likely have to work Friday night or Saturday. I checked into the legal expectations to see if I could claim a form of religious exemption. As it turns out, there are certain places that do not have to allow changes in work schedules due to religious reasons. Companies that  \work with people who require 24 hour care or staffing, are one of those places. Then the first pager call, as a new supervisor, and no one would work. I had to cover the open hours. So a few times over the years,  I have been known to work sometime on Friday to Saturday in order to meet job expectations and to protect the physical, emotional and medical safety of those I cared for. At first I'll admit that I wondered what would happen to me spiritually if I worked on the day I was raised to hold as the Sabbath, a day set aside from work and other obligations and devoted to worship and fellowship with other believers. What happened? Absolutely nothing! Nothing spiritually, nothing emotionally, nothing in my every day life changed. Nothing special happened at all. I woke up the next day and went to work again. The monotony of my everyday experience at work didn't change either. Working 14 days straight is exhausting!  In an interesting twist of events, this experience early in my career actually solidified my belief in the Sabbath. I began to crave the Sabbath! A special day taken from my week devoted to developing relationships with those I treasure, and those who share in the desire to grow more like Him. No work obligations! No need to focus on furthering my career and advancing! A day when I can let the things of this world fade away for a moment and focus on the people I care about the most and the God I serve and love. Now the Sabbath is one of my favorite days of the week!

My inspiration from this blog came from the recent news regarding a spiritual leader in the Adventist church resigning his/her ministry position. I desire to speak my thoughts with grace and kindness and with respect to the difficult time this individual and their family and those who looked to him/her for leadership are going through. Having heard this individual speak on a couple of occasions, I found that I disagreed with the focus on, my interpretation here, performing perfectly as an Adventist. I willingly list what some may consider my discretion's here. I have had to work on the Sabbath. I have not been prepared for the Sabbath due to an exhausting week and had to go to the store and pick up food so we could eat. I have willingly helped out friends in need on the Sabbath, even if it involved work. I once went shopping, but felt so uncomfortable that I haven't gone out shopping again on the Sabbath. If I am not in imminent need of something, it can wait. I have made other decisions that visibly made my mother "gulp" before she shared that she supported my decision and whatever outcome, even though I know she disagreed with me. I am not a perfect Adventist! I know this! Listening to this spiritual leader in the Adventist church, solidified my realization that I am not perfect. However, this same spiritual leader also advised young men and women to forgo marriage and children to further Christ's ministry. Spouses and children were seen as burdens, distractions, and unnecessary in the quest for the kingdom of God. Honestly I cannot imagine a Sabbath without having beloved ones near me to celebrate the day. It may seem a silly issue to differ with someone on, but for me it was significant.

When the focus is on perfect performance, especially within a family, there is little room for expressions of grace. Attempts to control and create a perfect environment of perfectly expressed Adventism turns up the pressure on the relationships and emotional friction increases. Preferences on how to express the doctrines of Adventism, may become battles between spouses or parents and children with moral undertones and ultimately a beloved one's salvation is placed on the line. An emotionally devastating place to live. And a beloved one decides to cross the line and see what happens when they go outside the boundaries of Adventist beliefs. Discovering, like I did, nothing actually happens. Because their relationship is now likely laden with emotional baggage and neither party is quite sure what happened, confusion sets in. A person's salvation may literally be on the line, as a relationship with God may be non-existent, and the beloved one may not realize what the big deal is after all. In fact a long list of shouldn'ts now looks like one big lie, as it appears nothing at all happens after each doctrinal boundary held so dear by a spouse or parent is crossed.These requirements were heavy burdens, very heavy burdens, too heavy to humanly carry. Being free of those burdens feels good. I have no doubt! There are those too, like some of our spiritual leaders who have lived perfect Adventism, at least from what was observed by those around them. Never a flaw, never a struggle, never any confusion or a question about how others also need to live their lives. Those who I have observed try to carry these heavy burdens, of living perfect Adventism, often find themselves in a major crisis and lose all they have. Their families, their marriages, their children, their ministries. An even heavier burden to carry. All from carrying this burden, this image they have created of being a perfect Adventist. Not much room for grace.

This is why one of my favorite all time verses is Matthew 11:28-29

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

I imagine myself coming to Him and giving Him the burden of being perfect, the burden of appearing perfect to fellow Adventists, and the burden of my actual failures, my sins during the week. Even my imperfect way of being an Adventist. I feel Him exchange my burden for His burden. That I risk how I look to others and share my fears, my failures, my hopes and dreams. His request from me is that I be authentic and real with my struggles and my successes in my relationships. That I celebrate my relationships and allow grace in my interactions with my beloved ones and my fellow believers, when I agree with them and when I disagree, doctrinally, relationally or otherwise.. And....I must be willing to allow Him to create in me a clean heart. In His presence it is necessary to look at my temptations and confess my sins and allow Him to change me and make me more like Him. This is the only way I know to protect my beloved ones from my temptations to sin and allow grace to flourish in my life, in my relationships, and in my church.

Insight Please!

           Dinner tonight with my hubby inspired some thoughts regarding individual behavior in relationships. Personal insight into choices individuals make seems strangely lacking to me. My hubby told me the story of an acquaintance of his who exhibits the same behavior (i.e self-righteousness) that he or she claims to abhor. Moments like that I wonder how come there is so little personal reflection. If I don't like how I am treated by others, why would I treat other people in a manner I am so profoundly upset by.

          I observe this behavior in personal relationships quite often. I have observed people I have worked with complain about the way they are treated by their family. Either controlled, ignored or somewhere completely confusing and infuriating in between. However, those individuals are so focused on the relationship that is irritating them and over which they have less influence or control, a power struggle in that relationship often ensues. Sometimes those power struggles last a lifetime and continue on through multiple generations. Yet these same adults engaged in a power struggle with senior members (parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles) or peer members (cousins, siblings, etc) of their family,  cannot see how they are creating the very same environment for their children. The only environment over which these adult children have the power to create is the one in their own home with young children, and the power to influence their older children. Needless energy is wasted on attempting to correct the past, when the future sits for a fleeting moment literally in their laps. If just a little of the energy that is directed at those who have hurt them, were instead focused on loving, caring and paying attention to their children, imagine the difference that could be made. Instead, I often see the children used as pawns, effective pawns, as grandparents kowtow to their adult children, having learned the lesson of relationships too late to influence their own children, and worried if they do not give in they will not have a relationship with their grandchildren. And the resentment builds. And 20 years from now, the parents will be grandparents, regretting relational decisions they made with both their parents and their children, only now their children will be in control of their relationship with their grandchildren. And the cycle continues.

           I am not without temptation in this area. My most recent trip to our counselor included my comment of "why can't other people have some insight into their actions." Our counselor told me "you only have a say in what you and (your hubby) decide to do." So true. The question is in my relationships will I choose to have insight regarding my behavior. My behavior, not anyone else's behavior. When I am in the midst of such inner searching my go to book is "Strong women, Soft hearts." I found in there the confrontational moment I needed and the area I needed to continually pray about. I found it in the chapter on "Losing Heart " :

 We live by inner statements that are born out of experienced pain, and these statements shape our lives more than we can possibly imagine. If the wound is great enough, or the experience happened early in our lives, these inner statements are much more akin to a vow.  No way, not while there is tea in China, will we get stuck in that experience again .That's the intensity associated
with a vow. It's like concrete that hardens around a wound, something calcified that only the love of Christ can soften and dissolve. (Rinehart, 2001, p. 56).

 Yeah, that sounds about right. I am looking at the vows I have made and praying about them. Yes, I have some pretty strong vows I have made.I haven't changed them or let go of them yet. Just being aware of them is challenging. Only, I don't like the person those vows tempt me to become. I also don't like the vulnerability letting go of those vows creates in my heart. I also have a lot of uncertainty as to what an environment without these vows will look like. So many questions this spiritual confrontation has created in my heart.  Will I be brave enough to explore the possibilities? Or will I turn back to and embrace my vows to protect myself? Will I choose to create the very means by which I could alienate my own children? I don't have the answer yet.

An Observer

As we go through this journey together, I want to clarify a couple of important issues.
1. Spheres of Grace is my own creation, however the majority of the material used to provide credibility to this way of thinking, is the accomplishments of wiser more educated people than I.

2.I am simply an observer of human behavior, watching the interactions of my clients, friends, family and people who pass by me on a daily basis, learning from my mistakes more than anything else. While observing, I will attempt to identify the behavior that is helping or hindering the individual(s) in developing or maintaining healthy relationships. Once on my own, I take time to think about and process what I have observed. I research, as thoroughly as I am able, drawing from the wisdom of philosophers, theologians, psychologists, educators and many others who have found a grain of truth within their field of study. Unfortunately, the information usually stays within that field of study.

It is because of my curiosity that I will often try to combine different ways of thinking to see what the outcome might be. For example: what if the philosophy behind C.S. Lewis "The Four Loves" is combined with research on human bonding by Donald Joy Ph.D.? How might my behavior change when I apply that knowledge? When looking for solutions to relational snags, it is often difficult to find what I am looking for, and I spend valuable time looking for help, rather than applying that help to my own thoughts, behaviors and words.

So at the beginning now, this is my hope, that "what" will help relationships grow in a healthy manner will be easily accessible and God will be glorified, through increasingly joyful and harmonious friendships, marriages, families and communities.

Be the Blessing!

Becoming Grace

Each of us interacts daily with people that we rely on for affection, love and support. However, who we want to be the people who support our spiritual journey, are not always the people we would choose. Sometimes our family members are more resistant to participating in spiritual conversations, and a close co-worker or family member from our spouse's family take up that role.

What is important is connecting weekly with a group of people who support you, nurture your spiritual development, and help you find insight and grace in God's word.

The journey with people through life, as you experience and share grace, is expressed among the spheres of influence with people around you. Part of the journey might be grieving the fact you are not as close to someone as you wish you could be. However, experiencing these emotions will make you more aware of the needs of others around you, and my hope is that you are able to discover the tools, the resiliency and the grace to meet those needs.