The Emotional Center

When I married my husband, I became the emotional center of this couple. I have learned to carefully approach issues that may have unresolved emotional responses on my part because a little irritation on my part is usually met with a stronger negative emotional response than I initially provided. I read a story the other day about a woman who struggled to become pregnant with her second child. Knowing that nothing was wrong with her body and that it would just take time to become pregnant did not reduce the sadness she felt each month when her dream was not realized. As the mother of a son and as a wife she mentioned about how careful she had to be in managing her sadness. The men in her life relied on her so strongly to help balance their emotions that sadness in her resulted in sadness in her young son and in her husband. Her story touched me because I face my own challenges in managing my emotions and "our" emotions because my hubby turns to me first when he is emotionally overloaded seeking relief and guidance on how to direct them without harming others.

Before I came into the story though there was a another person who was my husband's emotional center, his Mother. Some wives require complete and total devotion from their husbands to the exclusion of all other women in their husband's family. That woman is not me. Ironically though, I have a husband who is devoted to me to the point of excluding all other women from his life, if I were to ask that of him. Having this level of devotion from my husband though makes me more reflective in how I handle conflict. I promised myself before I married that my husband wouldn't have to fight my battles for me. Although I think I have a warrior at my side who would "throw down" for me should I require it. Ultimately though, I see that there is not enough of me to meet all of the emotional, spiritual and relational needs of my husband, and letting others meet his/our needs is an opportunity to experience nurturing. Besides even I know that no one can cook like my Mom - so too my husband has great memories with his Mom.

Occasionally though I hear the story of the Mother that requires complete and total devotion from their sons, to the exclusion of their wives and children, if the Mother asks that of him. What a quandary to place a son! To express devotion to their wife and child(ren) at the potential loss of a nurturing parental figure, requires confidence that his wife can meet all of his needs. That's a pretty heavy burden for a wife, and sometimes wives aren't meeting a husband's needs the way he wants.  I think that is often why a man does just enough boundary setting with his Mom to keep the wife from complaining too loudly, without losing the opportunity to still have some of his emotional needs met by his Mom.   To express devotion to his Mom at the potential loss of a close relationship with his wife I think shows an attempt to have unmet childhood needs met. It would be like setting up a relational test and often in those situations a Mom succeeds just enough for the adult son to think "if I try again, she will really meet my needs this time." This sets up tension in the relationship between the wife and the mother. Unsure of who is meeting the son/husbands needs creates the opportunity for competition, potentially seen as competition for the son's heart.

What a Mother needs to keep in mind - even if it looks like you have your son's heart, you really don't. What is probably happening is that your son keeps you distant until he can no longer avoid interaction - then he reverts into the childhood role he played until he can create emotional distance again.

What you can do? Observe your interactions with him: are they emotional (negative or positive)? Demanding(I have information I will share only if you call me)? Intense? Lengthy (over five minutes)?

If you find that your interactions are emotional, demanding and/or lengthy change that - find ways to affirm and celebrate your son in short (I cannot emphasize this enough)...short cards, notes, emails and phone calls. By short I mean under five minutes on the phone or a note with a couple of sentences. Keep it short!!! However often is okay (by often I mean weekly or several days between contact), obsessive is not (by obsessive I mean daily or more often). And if he initiates contact more often then what I described.....Enjoy!!

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