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Before I came into the story though there was a another person who was my husband's emotional center, his Mother. Some wives require complete and total devotion from their husbands to the exclusion of all other women in their husband's family. That woman is not me. Ironically though, I have a husband who is devoted to me to the point of excluding all other women from his life, if I were to ask that of him. Having this level of devotion from my husband though makes me more reflective in how I handle conflict. I promised myself before I married that my husband wouldn't have to fight my battles for me. Although I think I have a warrior at my side who would "throw down" for me should I require it. Ultimately though, I see that there is not enough of me to meet all of the emotional, spiritual and relational needs of my husband, and letting others meet his/our needs is an opportunity to experience nurturing. Besides even I know that no one can cook like my Mom - so too my husband has great memories with his Mom.
Occasionally though I hear the story of the Mother that requires complete and total devotion from their sons, to the exclusion of their wives and children, if the Mother asks that of him. What a quandary to place a son! To express devotion to their wife and child(ren) at the potential loss of a nurturing parental figure, requires confidence that his wife can meet all of his needs. That's a pretty heavy burden for a wife, and sometimes wives aren't meeting a husband's needs the way he wants. I think that is often why a man does just enough boundary setting with his Mom to keep the wife from complaining too loudly, without losing the opportunity to still have some of his emotional needs met by his Mom. To express devotion to his Mom at the potential loss of a close relationship with his wife I think shows an attempt to have unmet childhood needs met. It would be like setting up a relational test and often in those situations a Mom succeeds just enough for the adult son to think "if I try again, she will really meet my needs this time." This sets up tension in the relationship between the wife and the mother. Unsure of who is meeting the son/husbands needs creates the opportunity for competition, potentially seen as competition for the son's heart.
What a Mother needs to keep in mind - even if it looks like you have your son's heart, you really don't. What is probably happening is that your son keeps you distant until he can no longer avoid interaction - then he reverts into the childhood role he played until he can create emotional distance again.
What you can do? Observe your interactions with him: are they emotional (negative or positive)? Demanding(I have information I will share only if you call me)? Intense? Lengthy (over five minutes)?
If you find that your interactions are emotional, demanding and/or lengthy change that - find ways to affirm and celebrate your son in short (I cannot emphasize this enough)...short cards, notes, emails and phone calls. By short I mean under five minutes on the phone or a note with a couple of sentences. Keep it short!!! However often is okay (by often I mean weekly or several days between contact), obsessive is not (by obsessive I mean daily or more often). And if he initiates contact more often then what I described.....Enjoy!!
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Sometimes it is not a parent, but a sibling in this role. My sister-in-law has resented me coming into the picture for years because I have taken that close place in his heart. I only recently found that out from another sibling. It explained a lot of things.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I was way too emotionally connected to my younger brother to the point that if he disagreed with me or my husband, my brother must be the one who was right. God finally revealed powerful truths to me about this relationship and my marriage and my life took powerful steps forward even though I had to walk a very painful path to come to this realization, and I had to face strong family dysfunctions in my brother that I had been too devoted to realize.
Thank You for sharing!!
ReplyDeleteShoshannah, you have brought up some very important issues here; something that is critical to deal with early on in a marriage or any relationship for that matter. As I read your blog, the thing that repeatedly came to my mind was this: I can only be responsible for me and my own emotions. As soon as I try to handle someone else's emotions or change my behavior so that another person feels happy or at peace,I have assumed a role that God never intended me to take. (This statement assumes that I am always respectful, truthful, honest in my dealings with others). If I become upset over something someone else does and says, the first place I have to look is at me. Why did what that person do or say cause me to feel the way I did? I have had to LEARN this; it did not come naturally. It came through painful experiences over the years. Families can be (and are) destroyed when others assume that everyone else is responsible for their happiness, sadness, or anger. I can choose to be happy, sad, or angry. And I can choose to address the issues or not. My choices will result in personal peace or constant inner turmoil.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking personally, I think the challenge often is what do I do when I don't feel safe, my emotional needs aren't met, and wherever I turn I see conflict in my life. From what I have observed this usually happens when a family adjusts to either a change in resources (increased or decreased) or more family members added. So much of life then is focused on making sure I am safe, my needs are met and maintaining or avoiding conflict. This is of course something that I struggle with as well. So looking at myself and my actions, my thoughts are then "What if this didn't have to be? What would it look like?" But the real temptation is to either try and please everyone, or make everyone change to meet my needs.
ReplyDeleteI like hearing different experiences on what has helped families and couples, because with more options comes more hope, with more hope more opportunities to look for the best in another person.
I just had one other comment about siblings...they are an interesting relationship group. I have heard them described as a shared witness in life. A loss of a sibling can be quite devastating because someone who shared the same experiences, parents, family, is no longer there to either validate or give perspective on family events. Siblings also tend to have more conflict when families are forming and tend to find a better balance in mid-life in their relationship.
ReplyDeleteI have also observed that spouses of relationally close siblings can struggle to find their place in a family since so much of their spouse's life was shared with someone other than the spouse. It can be quite threatening!!
I think that my point - that I likely missed in presenting somewhere in the whole blog and comments is this:
ReplyDeleteA woman, who has a grown son, tends to expect a level of devotion to his mother (herself), that had her husband expressed it to his mother, would have caused great conflict in her own marriage.