When I Stop Praying

In the Bible we are beseeched to pray without ceasing (1Thessalonians 5:17). It is our honor and privilege as believers to make known our thoughts, needs, concerns and share our gratefulness and praise with our Maker. My prayers typically aren't very formal, as I just share from my heart what is going on. Looking back over the years, I see how blessed I am. Of my deepest desires, I have been given all of them. Let me be clear though, it is rarely in the timing I wanted, in the place I wanted or in the manner I wanted.

2005 was an interesting year. My sister was engaged, her fiance deployed overseas till the fall, and until they were to be married, my sister was my roommate, finishing up her senior year of college. For me it was a  year of growing up. I bought my condo convinced that it wasn't my time to meet my future husband and I would be alone for a while, and was also blessed with a promotion at work. A special trip to the SDA General Conference in St Louis also highlights the year. At about July/August though I remembered in less than a year my sister would be married and I would no longer have a roommate or anyone to keep me company in my home. This caused me a lot of anxiety. I wasn't eager to live by myself due to the intense loneliness I felt when I lived on my own before. In October of 2005 I met my future hubby. In the fullness of time in my life, my future husband arrived on the scene, right on cue. And due to his obvious appreciation of both myself and my family I knew early on he was likely to want to stick around. (My husband reminiscing the other night about his first family dinner, mentioned that my Dad started talking in a goofy Austrian accent at the dinner table. My hubby said he had not met anyone like that before...and I added or anyone like that since). The funny thing about it is that a condo purchased because I worried I would be alone has housed over the years several people. I actually needed to have purchased a bigger house - wait maybe that would mean more people living here. :)

However that story is seen now through the lens of time and understanding how my life and my Hubby's life were being guided towards each other. In the meantime there periods of time when all I felt was heartache, loneliness and feelings of rejection. Emotionally it was difficult to keep balanced between honestly experiencing my emotions and maintaining hope. It wasn't time yet for my hubby to join my life and my heart, mind and emotions didn't want to hear that answer. I wanted my way. It is often with great difficulty that I am finally able to choke out the words "not my will, but yours be done." C.S. Lewis so eloquently addresses this issue regarding prayer:

Prayer is request. The essence of a request, as distinct from a demand, that is why it may or may not be granted. And if an infinitely wise Being listens to the requests of finite and foolish creatures, of course He will sometimes grant them and sometimes refuse them…. If God had granted all the silly prayers I’ve made in my life, where would I be now?” 

The trouble is in my emotionally dark moments my need is real and all consuming, not silly. So this is how I know when it is time to stop praying, when I start demanding and commanding God to do things on my behalf. When my emotions and need overwhelm everything and all I can do is tell God to do what I want and do it now. I know then it is time to take a step back breathe, meditate or just plain cry until my emotions and needs have subsided again. That is when I am reminded that the pain I feel and the tears that fall do not go unnoticed

"You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

When I am demanding and commanding God to act on my behalf in a manner I approve of I am insisting on my will be done, it is also a way of denying the sorrow and loss that I feel.  The verse in Psalms is a reminder that its OK to feel the sorrow, the grief and the loss of my dreams occurring in the manner I longed for. In fact my Father in Heaven cares so much about my sorrows that he stores my tears and writes my sorrows down, He will not forget me. When I stop praying and experience my sorrows and losses, I am able approach the throne of Grace again seeking His will be done. Its part of my continual journey of surrender to Him "not my will, but Yours be done." Amen.