That's not what I remember....

I love a good story. I love telling stories. I think that is part of why I like working with people. I have some fabulous stories that I wouldn't have had if I never would have met some of the interesting people who have crossed my path. Unfortunately they are confidential and I am ethically unable to share them. I feel blessed though, as a nobody from rural USA, to have met such wonderfully interesting people.

Sitting in class tonight my sister and I were talking about the stories that a person (hypothetical) shares and how two people who lived through the same experience have a vastly different perspective on what happened. To the point where one, or both, believe that an apology, perhaps even an apology ritual, is needed to show that one person, or both, is contrite and the relationship may continue. I also notice how very rarely that occurs.

I watch the families I work with emotionally cut-off, then come back together, then cut-off again, then a major crisis occurs, and the family unites again. The previous conflict still a part of the relationship, but little resolution.  Additional stressors continue to wreak havoc on the relationship as fear of repeating the emotional cut-off creates a dam in communication, until the person who is not allowed to speak freely finally breaks under the emotional stress, and freely speaks their mind, the resulting emotional cut-off a relief , rather than handle daily the fears that the emotional cut-off might occur. I have also seen very rigid separation. So-and-so won't see my kids until there is an apology. Then children are raised completely unaware of the family they have who might want to be a part of their lives.

For families that have some ability to function - once again I find it very rare that the apology occurs, but slowly the family story changes. Its like watching an ice glacier melt. One day a person is relational poison. 2 years later, 4 years later, 6 years later, 10 years later, 30 years later, the story is "we loved him/her from the beginning." I have also seen a family whose relationships appeared functional and close become cut-off, and the stories told that there was always disrespect in the relationship, never any love or affection. Sometimes perspectives are so different when the stories are shared, other people present drop their jaws at how ridiculous the story has become. Why such a discrepancy? I don't think I understood this until a couple of years into my marriage.

I wanted the fairy tale marriage - we would always be happy, successful and financially solvent and have beautiful children. A great story! A story no one could top!  I never realized that my Prince Charming could also disappoint me. 2 years in I thought we were at the bottom emotionally, financially, spiritually, and in our relationship. It could only go up from here right? At our very weakest, my husband disappointed me in a very painful manner. I questioned everything we had together or might ever have together. My husband with whom I  shared a close, emotionally gratifying relationship, and  considered my best friend, hurt me quite deeply. I had never felt such anguish (and I thought I was an expert in painful close relationships). The residual anger I felt lasted for months. I would have moments that I thought my anger was processed, forgiveness given, and our relationship growing closer. Then a thought, or a comment out-of-the-blue would occur, and my anger felt as fresh as the day it happened. My husband is quite conscientious and I am sure he apologized for what happened, especially with as angry as I was. However, I have no recollection of whether he actually apologized or not. It doesn't really matter though, because.....

Another two years later and I can say this is what happened to help resolve it in our relationship. I looked at it as the moment that we would truly learn to work together. We are on the same team!! When I told this story and how it impacted our relationship, the story  would not be our lowest moment, it would be the beginning of a story about our greatest triumph together. Two years later, I honestly see it as our greatest triumph, with more depth and richness and thankfulness than I even knew to ask for! What if that person isn't safe? From my experience the ones you love the most are often the least safe. Most situations aren't like mine where you have to trust completely again. Continued boundaries are likely necessary - but there are ways to include even questionably trustworthy people in your life's story in a meaningful manner.

Be careful the stories you tell about other people, for they will become the reality of how you see the other person. Those stories may make a hero out of a villain, and a villain out of a hero. Look for the moments that shine! Look for the memories that make you smile! Look for the stories that bring joy to your heart and are worth all the pain!