Who am I? Who are you?

Five Sullivan Brothers

Something I just recently noticed, is that families tend to have specific strengths, and specific weaknesses. Not a surprise I know. I am particularly interested though, in how strengths are managed. When one sibling fails to launch, falls into poverty, develops an addiction, or illness, families tend to fall into specific roles that allow a family to just plain survive.  However, when a sibling set grows, passes through adolescence and successfully launches, very often that identity is consistent across the group. Strengths are similar, areas of interest tend to be similar, relational interactions are similar, and siblings spouses tend to have aspects of familiarity to them. Success is a process that needs to be monitored, perhaps even more closely. Failure can draw a family together. Success is what can push them apart.

Here are my thoughts on why I think that success is more likely to push a family apart:


1. A fight for resources - in order to be a success it requires the presence of resources. In particular relational, and financial resources.

2. Childhood roles are continued in adulthood - falling into childhood roles of oldest, youngest and everyone in between, doesn't allow for everyone to interact as the adults they are.

3.  Jealousy - if a sibling is successful in a certain area it can create opportunities for competition to arise. It can also be harder for an older sibling watch a younger sibling appear to be more successful.


4.Family Belonging is threatened - if a family operates on a performance basis then watching a sibling succeed can feel threatening, especially if it seems that there won't be a place for each person to continue to belong in the family.

5. Sharing the limelight - getting attention is addictive. Once someone appreciates something that you have done, the drive to continue to receive that appreciation can be a driving force that excludes relationships that might threaten that appreciation.

I am aware of only one anti-dote to the addiction of success.....Teamwork.

Teamwork allows for each person to have a place. Each person (sibling) has the opportunity to contribute to the continuing success of the family. I have gone in depth on the topic of teamwork on this blog. Teamwork allows creates the opportunity to be more successful, touch more individual's lives, and make a difference, than working on your own. Teamwork also creates opportunities to learn. Perhaps one area is a particular strength for one person, that means there are other areas that are needed, and adjustments can be made as each person specializes in their area of strength.

If teamwork isn't an option then you will probably notice there needs to be more space and decreased contact in order for the family relationships to accommodate the similar identities. This isn't a failure. I would however encourage a family to be proactive about providing space in the family in order to preserve and protect family relationships. Because in my experience either member's of the family submerge their abilities and identity in order to maintain peace in the family, or significant conflict can occur causing even greater pain.