Self-Sabotage

 Oh Self-Sabotage you are my enemy. When I self-sabotage, I realize something in my life is out of balance, and yes,  it is generally in the area of marriage vs. family of origin. Then I usually go see a counselor when I do because of a very upset hubby. Last year going to see a counselor (because I had a very angry hubby) helped me to identify the triggers both physical and emotional that were the catalyst for sabotaging my marriage. I realized then self-sabotage is a major problem that is difficult to see, unless another person in your life is able to share the problem, and the person self-sabotaging cares enough about the other person to change.

The self-sabotage I am talking about is when I see a person, either close to me or not, on the road to success in a career or a ministry, or a relationship, and several months later that individual's life is in disarray, and possibly at risk of losing everything. Then there is the person who seems like they never get past the starting gate. Starting over again and again, never making progress in a career, a relationship or a ministry.  Its not something that is rare either. I have watched this happen over and over and over again. Listening on the radio the other day I was reminded of Stephen Covey's comments about "beginning with the end in mind". If you ask me, and I am sure you are, it is the most overlooked concept at the beginning of a project. A question "What will success look like?" can allow for more creativity during the process. I realize though, that requires a lot of maturity. So it led me to to a conclusion -  being successful does not match the internal identity of the individual because of two reasons
A. being unable to create meaning out of an intense trauma that has occurred in their life
B. a person is not mature enough to handle that level of success (and set up obstacles that prevent success from happening). For example, it will only be a success if only my ideas are used, and only if I have all of the credit for the completed project.
The emotional maturity required to be successful includes developing selflessness, managing one's own emotional responses (being emotionally volatile will surely destroy your relationships), delaying gratification, and developing your own identity.

I am really proud of my hubby, (a recovering self-sabotager as well) working slowly and steadily to make his dreams come true. Last year at this time my hubby's dream of starting a local Film Guild was just in the beginning stages. At the end of this year the group has completed two, yes two, collaborative projects. I have seen my husband contribute in the areas of his strengths to the group, and I have seen him contribute in areas that he is weaker, eager to learn from someone who is more talented, more knowledgeable or more experienced.

So as two recovering self-sabotagers work together to make their dreams come true, we have discovered that when we work together, we can achieve great things.In fact when progress is slow, but the progress is steady, it allows us time to integrate the small successes into our personal view's of ourselves, our spouse, and our marriage. That is how we set ourselves up for success.





Barbara Bowes on her website talks about self-sabotage seen in the workplace. I recommend it for an insightful view of how it can effect one's career.

Here are the rest of the 7 Habits below:

Stephen Covey - the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

1. Be Proactive
2. Begin with the end in mind
3. Put first things first (personal priorities)
4. Think win-win
5. Seek first to understand, then be understood
6. Synergize (two heads are better than one)
7.Sharpen the saw (care for your physical, spiritual, emotional needs)



Here are some other links on self-sabotage. 

http://www.entrepreneur.com/management/managementcolumnistscotthalford/article201738.html

http://www.iloveulove.com/psychology/selfsabotage.htm