Once Upon a Tragedy...

I have shared before my struggles as a young adult, in a damaged support system, in need of care and support myself. The time in my life when the seed of "Spheres of Grace" was planted. However, I don't know that I have ever shared this story. The circumstances that brought Spheres of Grace into fruition. The details have been changed, the narrative thread is consistent with what happened.


Once upon a time, many, many years ago there was a tragedy... A break your heart, change your life, tear-a-part your relationships, lose your job, lose your home, question the nature of humanity kind of tragedy. The family involved needed help. They needed help yesterday. Did you know that government assistance takes 30-120 days, at a minimum, to take effect? I didn't. I do now. I called every agency I could think of. I turned in many applications requesting assistance. Every response I received, if I received one was...wait. Wait your turn, there are people ahead of you. In your personal experience, you may have noticed most individuals and families in crisis need help now.

I had never asked people for money before. I didn't know where to begin. So I started calling faith based organizations and churches. I called a lot of places. The answers I received included "you can access our food pantry and clothes closet. We don't provide cash," and "you will need to send in an application to our community benevolence fund, including financial information." I get this. Believe, me I get this. It's hard to share your resources and not feel taken advantage of financially. So limits are set in place. I understand. Some people though, are in such emotional, physical and financial need the limits we set in place prevent us from meeting them where they are, in crisis.

And then there was my last call...

The answer I received was "how much money is needed?"

And the total amount was given. A no strings attached, blessing! (Seriously! No strings attached!)

A surprise your heart, restore your faith, and renew your belief in the nature of humanity kind of answer.

The experience changed my life!

And so began a no strings attached, help people in stressful situations, support individuals and families in our community, blessing ministry!

Pass Me Not

I have just gone through more change in the lasts four months than I thought was possible, from moving to a new home, to several job changes and more. I will freely admit to one emotional break down several months ago due to all of the uncertainty in my life. The question I always have in regards to change whether positive or negative, is what will the financial impact look like. Will we be able to maintain our home, vehicles and provide for our child? Those questions are always forefront in my mind. The answer quickly became evident; while it would be tough to do so financially, by making some adjustments (i.e cuts) to the budget we would be ok. Then this week came, the low point of the summer, completely expected, but I was very cautious nonetheless. I had everything budgeted out exactly, including a trip to the grocery store. Late in the afternoon, earlier this week, I was able to work the errand into my schedule. With the budgeted money in my pocket, I pulled into the grocery store parking lot. Only, the money was no longer in my pocket. In the moments that followed I could only think of the story of "The Borrowed Axe" from My Bible Friends. When a borrowed axe head is missing, the student cries out "alas master, for it was borrowed." The thoughts going through my head were, "alas master, it's our grocery money." Through perseverance and prayer, I was able to find the missing money. In the process of searching and finding, I was reminded that even though I am in a state of waiting in a very important area of my life, G-d is aware of my needs and is making His presence known in my life in very meaningful ways.



I find it easy to get caught up in a game of comparisions with other people in my life. I have been working very hard to pray for G-d's blessing in other's lives. To recognize scarcity does not exist in relation to G-d's blessing, and the blessings someone else receives does not diminish or take away blessings from me. When G-d is involved, there is only abundance (Luke 6:38).

Recently in my spiritual journey,  my prayer is often the hymn Pass Me Not O Gentle Savior (Fernando Ortega). If you have a prayer, longing, or intense need, please join me in this prayer. I believe when we seek, we will find. And if we ask, we will receive (Matthew 7:7).


Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior, By Fannie J. Crosby

1. Pass me not, O gentle Savior,
   Hear my humble cry;
   While on others Thou art calling,
   Do not pass me by.
   • Refrain:
     Savior, Savior,
     Hear my humble cry,
     While on others Thou art calling,
     Do not pass me by.
2. Let me at Thy throne of mercy
   Find a sweet relief;
   Kneeling there in deep contrition,
   Help my unbelief.
3. Trusting only in Thy merit,
   Would I seek Thy face;
   Heal my wounded, broken spirit,
   Save me by Thy grace.
4. Thou the spring of all my comfort,
   More than life to me,
   Whom have I on earth beside Thee,
   Whom in Heav’n but Thee.

We all Struggle

I was driving along the road to an appointment the other day, when I started thinking about friends and family who are going through difficult times right now. I wondered how they were doing and said a prayer for them as I traveled along. My thoughts continued to focus on the concept of prevention, cure and healing for each person and family. I realized as I was praying, that is what the world focuses on.  The world tells us, “you shouldn't have to deal with this.” And we focus all of our attention and sympathy on the tragedy of the situation.  Thereby denying the person their experience of dealing with whatever has come their way,  and interfering with any experience of empowerment. The individual, couple or family (immediate and/or extended) that struggle, is often provided the opportunity in the future to support another who encounters a similar situation, if they so choose.

What if the focus was on supporting those who struggle? For we all struggle

Picture source: Grief Speaks. www.griefspeaks.com

The Comparison of Loss and Pain

The comparison of loss and pain is an area of frustration for me. I, personally, don’t want to compare my life story to someone else’s. I have always tried to live in a manner where I achieve my personal best, and any competition involved is against myself, in order to improve my own abilities. In school, both undergraduate and graduate school, I didn’t ever seek out ways to compare my abilities to someone else’s. To foster a competitive atmosphere in the classroom didn’t help me achieve my goal of graduating. I don’t think competition helps us in life as spouses, parents, friends and family members either. This saying fits quite well in my opinion, “comparison is the thief of joy” (Theodore Roosevelt).

I take that same attitude when dealing with loss, grief, pain and frustration. I observe other people discount their own pain because someone else is going through something else much worse. It is very difficult to watch this comparison.  Here are my thoughts on it:

 For those who have lived in a disadvantaged world filled with poverty, abuse or a myriad of other issues it can often be stated they have suffered more than anyone else and we should deny our own pain in their presence. This response though, denies them the possibility of experiencing “grit” and resilience. The reasons why grit and resilience are important is described in this Ted Talk by Angela Lee Duckworth,  Ph’D, linked here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H14bBuluwB8.

For those who have lived a life of advantage filled with wealth, a loving close knit family or a myriad of other blessings as a reason they aren't allowed to suffer, denies them the experience of vulnerability.  To experience vulnerability is a powerful experience as described in this Ted Talk by Brene Brown, Ph’D linked here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o.

For others, it may be that experiencing both vulnerability and resilience is important. I think that is where I fit most often, in need of experiencing validation of what has been painful, and also finding a way to experience resilience.

This blog entry  http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/going-beyond-hurt-feelings/ by a woman who lost a child, has profoundly affected my view of comparison on grief and loss. Her choice to say “your hurts still hurt” validates that this world can be a tough road to walk, no matter the circumstances.

My Child is my Mirror

My child is my mirror - the evidence of how I think about myself, other people and my child. Every word spoken, emotional response and actions I take regarding myself, my husband and my child is evident in my child's behaviors. 

My first child has challenged my abilities to mother in the gentlest, kindest and most patient manner I always imagined myself parenting. My child has difficulty sleeping through the night. My child struggles at times to even go to sleep. These moments are when my impatience and irritation are more likely to be present in our relationship. The moments my child needs me the most. These moments are incredibly important ones to be gentle, kind and patient, because those are the qualities I want my child to have in difficult times. 

I am my parent's mirror, the evidence of their relationship with each other, myself, my siblings and other people. As a little one, my child does not have any power in order to change my response. As the parent, I hold the power, and my child's behaviors are the reflection of how I have used my power. However, as an adult child, regardless of how my parent's have wielded their power, I do have a say in what I reflect back in my relationship with my parents. I can choose my responses to their actions. It is never too late to model the qualities that you value, in your most precious and beloved relationships.

You are your parent's mirror. Your child is your mirror. What do you see? 

Inter generational Families

I have been reflecting for some time about the state of relationships within families. Being close to other people, even if it is only physically, creates tension. From observations I have made, natural places for tension to arise occurs within age/generation cohorts and in-law interactions.Within age/generation cohorts there seems to be a natural tendency for competition of emotional, financial or relational resources to occur. Within in-law interactions it is the adjustment to new relationships and new family patterns that creates the opportunity for tension and conflict.

It seems everyone within a age group, unless they are able to support each unconditionally, have a need for some elbow room. Each person appears to need to have an area of expertise, friends of their own and a place where they are just themselves (not related to someone else). Donald Joy, PH'D talks about having a balanced relational trampoline where friends provide one whole side of the needed relationships to connect an individual to a healthy experience of reality. Too many shared relational connections even among family members influences our experience of reality. Close family interactions are good; space from family is good too.

The in -law interactions are based on the necessary growth that occurs in families. It gives rise to an interesting notion of "same and other" though. When I interact with my family it is familiar. I understand comments or looks with hidden meaning, and I understand topics that aren't discussed, or specifically are discussed in my family. My family = same. When I step into that world, I am most likely to step into my familiar role in the family. When I interact with my in-laws, I experience "other." Just as I have an innate understanding of my own family, there is a basic misunderstanding that occurs every time I interact with my in-laws. I do not have an understanding of looks or comments that contain hidden meaning.  I am not aware of topics that are discussed or topics that are off limits. This is a natural place for relational "clashes" to occur, most often unintentionally. When I step into my in-laws world I am creating a role that has not existed before and no one is sure of what that means, only that the role is essential for the continuation of my family. My in-laws = other.

If there is tension and conflict in the family, what is the antidote? It appears to me that is where being an inter generational  complex, dynamic and growing family changes the focus from tension to appreciation. As a mother, after three hours of sleep I have little appreciation for my son's skills.  However, his Grandma is likely to extol his new skills and give the encouragement that is needed. If there is tension in between in-laws, then the ability to focus on nieces and nephews and grandchildren can ease the irritations. If there is conflict between siblings, there might be a listening Grandparent, Aunt or Uncle to relieve some of the irritation between siblings.

The main thing to watch for is triangulating and splitting between family members. It's easy to get drawn into an disagreement and a lot harder to work your way back out of a disagreement. These are fantastic relational skills to learn though because they build character and provide opportunities to learn boundaries and compassion. In families we are bound to people we might not otherwise choose to be around. Perhaps that is why families were created in the first place, to challenge us beyond our abilities so that we grow  and allow us the opportunity to experience a kind of love that can propel us to great accomplishments in life.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in His holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing. " Psalms 68:5-6

Photo Courtesy of Lucent Media Group LLC and Elise H.

The winter of my faith

I had some crazy dreams that life would be different, in a good way, after grad school was completed. No doubt, there have been some good things. No more nights spent in class and free time taken up by homework and internships. It seems though in other ways that life came crashing down around me, making it hard to catch my breath. I have to say, I am incredibly grateful that over the last year I seem to have outgrown the emotional and spiritual meltdowns that often occurred before. An embarrassing experience to constantly call into question the love of my Savior, over truly trivial things. My needs are met, more often more abundantly than I could ever imagine. So while this winter has meant several dreams are hibernating, much like the ground outside is covered in snow, I am confident that with the spring, the changes we are hoping for will happen for us, much like the landscape bursts into bloom with the spring.

I have also faced another chapter in one of the most challenging experiences of my adult life. What to do with the loss of a child, when it is wanted more than anything else in the world, loved with a constant, confident love, and prayed for without ceasing. The most recent chapter isn't mine to share, and so I won't be discussing it here, at all. I have had to revisit my own precious losses though, and in remembering my own losses, I haven't found an answer I like, believe or understand. I suspect that I have a choice and have the chance to maybe, someday be wiser. As I meditate on my choices this concept of joy and sorrow flutters at the edge of my consciousness. I am not sure I am ready to invite it in yet:

"Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at any costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth." Henri Nouwen


Photo courtest of Lucent Media Group LLC.

The still quiet voice

My faith, even as an adult, I confess, has depended on happiness and prosperity. My experience was much like the friends of Job (NIV) who tell Job to curse God when all is taken from him. When life is going well, then I am confident in the love of God. When life is at it's worst, then I rage emotionally against a distant, aloof God who has abandoned me to a life of discouragement, despair and pain. This is quite an emotional roller coaster to experience. I am actually quite embarrassed at this description of my faith walk, yet it is true. This is how I behaved in my relationship with God.  As I pondered and prayed about my experience of faith, I came to realize that I am not this emotionally dramatic in my day-to-day relationships, so why would I want to experience such emotional highs and lows in my relationship with the Almighty One?

So I embarked on an experiment....

Six months ago I decided to pray every day for the following:

1. My husband and my greatest needs, whether financial, school, medical, etc in nature. 

2. Relationships in my family

3. For growth and prosperity in the areas most deeply touched by the most painful emotional experiences in my family

4. For my church family and our health and relationships

Then I documented the need, the specific relationship, or the area of emotional pain and  tracked the monthly progress, regression or lack of progress that occurred. Over the next six months I have prayed, life has happened and my anxiety levels stayed low as I watched amazing things happen. 

Medical bills were paid down, even though we had very little income

Grad school was paid off

At the very last moment, I found the right job for me, and for my family

And countless other responses that are too private to share in this setting....then came September. 

We had immediate needs...and nothing happened.  October came and things got worse.

The whole experience resulted in a middle of the night argument with my husband, while at my lowest physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

My mother in law was very ill

Our car needed another repair

We had no money

Professional stressors were involved

And my husband and I were dealing with a very painful loss

After a very emotional exhausting argument, I thought to myself...this is a low as we can be. My faith was holding on, even though I was profoundly confused. It is interesting to look back on these last ten days and realize that while my faith held on, my emotional response to my faith stayed constant...my immune system worn down by the stress crumbled...and I could not overcome a simple cough/cold. Once again I turned to prayer, and focused on the thought that maybe documenting the answers to prayer had made me too sure of our decisions, and we needed to follow a different path. I began looking at a plan B. 

Within 24 hours, things completely turned around...I cannot describe how surreal it was. 

My mother in law's illness was caught in time and while the recovery was slow, it did not involve surgery. 

The car did not actually need a repair.

Professional stressors resolved.

Friends loved on us.

Family loved on us.

We were abundantly loved and cared for. 

It was incredible to experience. Even though my immune system took the hit this time, I am going to continue to practice my faith in this manner for a while, until I am able to mature a bit more in my faith. Because I like experiencing a constant faith that carries me through my lowest times, without becoming a tearful, angry child, desperate for an answer. I like experiencing a trusting relationship with my Father in  Heaven. 

My Faith has found a resting place, by Eliza E. Hewitt

My faith has found a resting place,
Not in device or creed;
I trust the ever-living One,
His wounds for me shall plead.

 o Refrain:
I need no other argument,
 I need no other plea,
It is enough that Jesus died,
And that He died for me.

 Enough for me that Jesus saves,
This ends my fear and doubt;
A sinful soul I came to Him,
 He’ll never cast me out.

 My heart is leaning on the Word,
The living Word of God,
 Salvation by my Savior’s name,
 Salvation through His blood.

 My great physician heals the sick,
The lost He came to save;
For me His precious blood He shed,
For me His life He gave.

The tug on my heart

I had not anticipated being a working mom. However, finding my partner in life took me a lot longer than anticipated as well. During those years of waiting for my personal life to change, I worked on my academic and professional life. I experienced enough success during my school years and professional years to satisfy me.

Then came along my dear hubby, with enough expectations of what are relationship was going to be to provide a catalyst for change in my professional life. Here I am several years later, my professional life is  not unfolding in as precise a manner as I would like, but a baby has now taken up permanent residence in our house. Having made multiple changes to provide for his care as best we are able, we still find ourselves relying on other people for help. I have chosen people who I trust, who love him and who will keep him safe,  providing care mostly according to my wishes. That doesn't change the moment when  I leave him in his nana's care, and he doesn't seem to notice I am gone....

I have carefully over these last few months made sure my son is aware he is safe and loved in the presence of other family members. He doesn't need to fuss for me to come and get him when another family member wants to hold him. When someone is a family member or a friend we say "hi" and I let them touch him. If it's a stranger, I may say "hi" but I don't let them touch him. When my little one looks at my face to see if it's ok to connect, I let him know the persons name and show him how to greet this person. Even at his young age he is already familiar with his Grandma's, Aunts, Cousins and Uncles. At family get-togethers he makes a visit around the room to say "hi" to each one. Sometimes trading his trademark lion's roar with them "Arghh"

During the week he often stays with a family member, and there are all sorts of toys for him to play with and he knows exactly where they are. Once I set him off he crawls over to his toys and starts playing with them, listening intently to her as she speaks Spanish to him. It's not that I want him to suffer.... I just want him sometimes to want only me. That special moment when I know I am the only one who will make my little one happy. To see evidence of his attachment to someone other than me, breaks my heart a little. When I see the obvious evidence of his attachment, I want to scoop him up and carry him away, so that he is just mine. Non one else's. When those thoughts come to me, I have to consciously walk away and not mess with his little heart.

While my little one needs me, a lot, he also needs the love of a supportive and caring family. If something were to happen to me, he needs to feel attached to someone else so they are able to raise him. Although the thought of someone else raising my child, is enough to break my heart again). Knowing how to make relational connections with others is essential in life. By letting him learn how to develop relationships, I am providing for his future. I am just surprised at feeling a tug on my heart, because my little one is already growing so fast.

Every Tear

I work with so many families these days where I wonder if change is going to happen. I can see the path they need to take, and I will be their guide if they will follow, but I cannot make it happen. Working with families can be tiring, exhausting and create burnout. The workers in and out of families lives is often so long the families don't bother to remember names. On the other side, workers become burned out and cynical to the point where it seems a game to see who can be the most skeptical regarding client changes because it seems there are so few. I have to say that seeing both sides of the equation it leaves me wondering. What will happen next? Is there a right individual? Playing different scenarios through my mind, I wonder about conflict between Christians. We believe that those who have placed their trust in Jesus Christ and accepted Him as their Savior will receive eternal life. What if they are unable to make relational repairs in this life? What will happen in the new earth?

When those who have carried such heartache and grief in their hearts be suddenly able to connect? What about those who have been abused? Will a parent and child find a healthy relationship in heaven? It's easy to assume that people who are seen as villains may not share eternity with us. I don't think its that simple. People are far more complex than any other creation. The relationships they engage in are no less so.

Sometimes all I know to do is focus my eyes on Him. Dealing with pain and suffering may be my profession, but I do not have the cure. Only He does.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”Revelation 21:4

Book Giveaway

Patty Froese has generously blessed us with a e-book to give to someone. Starting this weekend and running until May 12th leave a comment below to sign up for a chance to win this e-book. In a special twist you may also nominate as many women (and men too) as you would like to have the opportunity to win as well. In true HomePage fashion the more who are involved, the merrier the time we have together.
Now let's have some fun blessing each other. :)

Main stipulation is that this is an e-book so the person who wins will need access to a reading app or be able down load a reading app.

Anne Stanborough, a well known mystery writer, inherits her maiden aunt's book store, Perfect on Paper. The lawyer handling her aunt's estate is none other than the handsome Jake Harrison, but despite his attraction to the beautiful author, his painful divorce has made him wary of a marriage between two driven professionals. Anne can't let go of the career she's worked her entire life towards, and he isn't willing to make a second mistake in marriage. It looks like they should call the whole thing off until Anne discovers that her late maiden aunt might not have been so "maiden" after all… A love story from the past tugs this couple back together again, but will it be enough to prove that a love founded in God really can overcome anything?

Flirting with being controlling

I recently flirted with becoming controlling. To control is defined as "to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate;command" as found on dictionary.com. Let me give you some background information first. Far too many times I have observed mothers give up on basic hygiene for their children. It bothers me. Therefore as the nurse in the hospital taught me how to wash my newborn son I listened intently. Helpful in this whole process is that my son hates to sit in a wet or dirty diaper. They must be changed quickly or a meltdown ensues in a short matter of time. So enough of the background....here is what happened....

My sister came to help me with baby care one afternoon. I had a messy house, still in my work around the house clothes, and I needed to get ready for a professional meeting. My son also needed a bath. I asked my sister to give him a bath which she agreed to do. My sister proceeded to run the water and start bathing my son. I then stood over her shoulder and told her exactly what she needed to do to clean my son properly. His eyelids are gently cleaned first. Then nails on the hands and feet must be scrubbed. Baby rolls must be cleaned out because they are collectors of dirt. The scalp requires special attention to prevent dry skin and cradle cap. The ears are checked for dirt on the outer portion of the ear. Once completed then the child is covered in various lotions and oils to help protect his skin. Never mind I had a long list to accomplish already and she was helping me by giving him a bath. Never mind that I learn a lot from my sister on how to take care of a baby, infant, toddler, etc. For some emotional reason I simply could not let go of the process I use to bathe my son and insisted my sister follow the same method. I did exactly what I dislike so much about people who attempt to control others; I dominated the process and kept everyone from learning and growing. In fact I   did what I dislike the most - I dominated a very wise and experienced woman who had the opportunity to teach me how to better care for my son because she had a more objective point of view. ughhh. This is why I prefer a collaborative approach to life and I think I learned my lesson. No more flirting with controlling behavior.

Prepared for battle?

The young men and women's faces in the room are solemn and the energy in the room reflects the seriousness of the topic. They are completely unaware of the beauty outside their windows. The leader explains to them the gravity of the situation. The final battle has come. Some of them may not be coming home. They are advised to set their affairs in order. For those who have spouses and children it's an unfortunate situation because their families will experience more pain. Those who are unmarried are reassured that their unattached situation will make them better fighters, fewer thoughts of home to prevent them from giving their all. After all this is what their parents raised them to do. The young adults leave to spend the evening partying and spending money, because they won't have any needs where they are going, and there is a good chance some of them won't come home alive.

You would probably expect a scenario like this to play out in military camps across the country. However, this experience is very much like the one's I experienced at church camps and young adult conferences in the Adventist church. When we speak of having limited days on this earth and to ensure we make the most of them, often it is thought that those days will be spent in quiet reflection and time shared with family and friends. The reality is that most people when given a finite number of days to live, make choices they never would have made before, some dangerous, some silly, some just plain rebellious.From my observations of the adult men, more so than the adult women, in the church our emphasis on the end times of the world coming has prevented them from growing up. If these young men won't have the opportunity to marry and experience a fulfilling sexual experience, then thoughtful planning of their education, careers is pushed to the side as they make sure they will have a sexual partner before the end comes. A few also will make sure that they have experienced every other pleasure in life they have been denied living as an Adventist. Somewhere along the line becoming a soldier in the army of the Lord became a solitary activity to battle for our friends and neighbors souls. The result is we have better prepared our young men to serve in the military then to be caring, thoughtful husbands, wise fathers and persistent providers for their families. It was not so in the beginning....




"The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it......The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:15, 18




The battle today, as in the days of Adam and Eve after the fall, is not for our friends and neighbors souls, the Holy Spirit will move in their hearts as surely as he moves in my own. The battle today, as it has always been, is for our children's hearts....Adam and Eve lost their firstborn children Cain and Abel to this battle (Genesis 4). What would happen in the world if we focused on our own homes and the little ones living there? Now that just might change the world as we now it!

S-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d

I have never before in my life experienced this much stress for two years. What makes it worse is that some of the stress we are experiencing is of our own choice. It's not a secret. going to class two-four nights a week for two years straight with only nine total weeks off during the two years is exhausting. Adding in my invaluable practicum experience and my life is full right now. I willingly acknowledge these decisions were my choice. It's just that changing your life is hard work. Which reminds me....

I have had another experience where I was worn out, sleep deprived and dealing with more changes than I thought I could handle. When I was in labor with my son nothing was going as I expected. I went from sleeping a little bit to in labor. No rest or breaks between contractions, but constant, hard work to deliver my son. I remember at one point saying to my mother "I can't do this anymore." My Mom, being the lady who she is, said to me "what do you meant you can't? You are doing it."  That story comes to mind now as I want to stop the stress and find some emotional relief. "What do you mean you can't finish school? You are finishing school." While I am stretched to my limit - many of those I love around me I would imagine are more s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d than I am. So remember to "be kind" for each person's experience is difficult for them. Also remember, don't give up, because you are accomplishing what you want to accomplish. Thanks Mom!

The story of a mother

I realized this morning that Mother's day is a couple of months away. Last year my first year as a mother, I was a mother in waiting. My thoughts on mothering were anticipatory in nature, not experiential. This year I have my babe in arms. Some of my thoughts this year on mothering have to do with how little I know about it. I have a lot of analytical knowledge about mothering, but I lack a legacy of mothering. My Mother was not raised by her mother. 

My mother was raised by her father. Although I have knowledge of my maternal grandmother her mother knowledge and wisdom ( and unfortunately her lack there of) are not part of my story how to mother a child. You might not think this is a big deal. I bet you don't realize however how many experiences you have because your mother or your grandmother or your great-grandmother did something a certain way. I hear it in my mother-in-law's voice sometimes when she speaks with a finality on certain ways to care for a baby. It's the way it's always been done, the way she saw it done and the way she cared for her baby. On my mother's side I have very little knowledge of my grandmother or great-grandmother. I don't even have an item that belonged to this woman. The connection is broken. Such a sadness and yet it is my reality.  For me, my story of mothering begins with my own mother. In some ways this is a blessing. I don't have to fight against years of tradition and the authority of older women in how I care for my child. As I being this journey of parenting though, it can feel very lonely. I have my mother to help me. Yet our shared story of mothering is pieced together from various women who invested what they were able in caring for my own mother. A mosaic, so to speak, of a mother. An image of what a mother could be. An image though lacks warmth, affection, emotion and comfort. 

A good portion of my legacy of mothering comes from my father's side of the family. I think of babies and I hear lullabies that were sung by my aunt and my grandmother. I see the way I interact with children and I am reminded of my grandmother again and it makes me smile. Because I knew my grandmother and not my grandfather I see so much of her in my dad and aunt. Her influence and story lives on. On my bed is a quilt my grandmother made for me twenty some years ago, that my mother remade into a king size quilt. I don't know how to describe the difference in the story though. Yes, she is part of my story of mother, but there is a distance that I can't explain.

Since this is my experience now. I think of my children and grandchildren. In their stories they will have to deal with the way it's always been. Not realizing perhaps that the story of mothering they will receive is that of trial and error, tears and forgiveness and born out of an unending heart full of love. My son will hear of how his grandmother sat up with me at night while I struggled to cope with the after effects of delivery and attempt to get my body to provide nourishment for my son. These are the moments that will influence my children. These are the stories they will hear. I hope the connection created in these days provides the legacy of family, love and mothering that I desire. It is all I have and yet, it is enough.

repairing the narrative

Pardon me while I process through some of what I am reading today. Feel free to add your thoughts as well because we learn new ways of thinking in the context of relationship (something for another blog).  For the class I am currently attending we are reading "The Developing Mind" by Daniel J. Segel. This book is not an easy read. For me it is like the first time I read C.S. Lewis (The Great Divorce). I didn't understand much and reading a paragraph at a time was about all I could manage because there was so much meaning packed into a few words. This book for me is a life-changer.


I have had the opportunity to do a lot of emotional work during my time in graduate school. Some of it under the guidance of my experienced instructors, some within the grace offered by my classmates, some within my personal relationships and some I have sought out to work on with the guidance of a much trusted and appreciated therapist. This emotional work has helped me untangle the emotional connections of painful, difficult and frustrating relationships in my life. Several times through out this last 18 months I have had to stop myself or remove myself from engaging in interactions with others that were more of the same. This very slow work has helped remove the emotional threat, and taught me even more about relationships. I have told myself several times, when dealing with intense emotional chaos "this is not how this story is going to end." My family, my life, my future will not be defined  by these experiences. I have a choice. I can choose to define my life by the losses I experience, or by the blessings in my life.


The brain works to understand experience by creating a form of narrative, a story of our lives. Through the production of neurotransmitters, past memories and current expectations the brain then looks for the continuing threads of the story in the relationships and experiences around us. Let's look at it this way.

If a person experienced abandonment in a primary relationship, whether as a child or as an adult, and no repairs are made, then it is likely that the individual will continue to find ways that the other person acts to reinforce the story of abandonment, whether or not that is the intention of the other person.

As I participate in the therapeutic process both as a therapist and as a client, I seek to empower myself and my clients to take the initiative in changing their role in their story. The process of emotionally claiming the outcome in the story they seek provides a catalyst in their understanding of who they are and what their future holds.

The challenge is in the relationships where emotional cut-off exists. For the longest time the only language I had for these relationships involved reconciliation. Now I understand that is not what I am encouraging. I am looking for a "repairing" of the narrative of the shared story. This repair allows physical and emotional arousal to reduce, better adjustments to stressors to occur and the brain to reorganize itself based on current relationships. This reorganization without the emotional focus on another person, allows the brain to look for a new story line, based on current relationships and releases the overpowering emotional connection between two people frozen in time. The choice is still there though. You and I can choose to define our lives by the relationships in emotional cut-off, or the relationships repaired allowing room for new relationships.. And when we choose, within our very neural development, those losses or those blessings will become ingrained, the threads of our story.

Love is.....

Today is our five year anniversary. I spent 25 years without my husband, and now after six years together, it seems like he has always been a part of my life. This year is our first year with our sweet son. Perhaps some would not consider this year quite as romantic as previous years, but then you haven't met my husband.

Apparently a traditional gift for the five year wedding anniversary is something made out of wood. The modern revised anniversary gift list is silverwareaccording to wikipedia. In our home this year it is something far more meaningful.

Almost two weeks ago, we welcomed our son into our little home. Labor was fast. Contractions started at 11:30pm on a Friday night at 1-3 minutes apart. This continued the rest of my labor and I started pushing about 7:45am in the morning. At 8:47am my son was born, a mere nine hours after labor had started. I was worn out, but thrilled that my little one was here. Then the excitement began. I had a major hemorrhage after delivery. I am so thankful for the quick acting medical team that provided the treatment I needed. I truly never felt in danger, although from eyewitness accounts it was a bit more dicey a situation than I was aware of. In fact an hour later I was up and moving around and felt fine. It was later that evening when the nursing staff was still talking about a possible blood transfusion when the gravity of the situation hit home. Then...that night I got three hours of sleep. I was still able to go home the next evening, simply because I requested to recover at home and no blood transfusion. Thank you Lord! There are only three ways though that I know to start recovering.
1. Drinking lots of water
2. Eating fresh fruits and vegetables (focusing on my iron intake).
3. Lots of sleep

I am blessed in that whenever I turn around someone is bringing me a re-filled water bottle of fresh water. In the same manner, I have had more veggies made in various forms for me and fresh fruit is always available. However, I don't know any new Mom who is getting sleep. This includes me. This is where my romance story starts this year.

After the 8-9pm feeding at night, I go to bed. My hubby stays up with our son, holding him, watching him sleep, soothing him, changing soiled diapers, talking to him whatever he can do to get me just a little more sleep. Sometimes, when I get up for another feeding, I realize that it is 2am or 3am in the morning, my hubby is still up with our son, and my hubby,has to work later that day. This might not seem like much, but as I piece together 8-10 hours of sleep, two to three hours at a time in a night this is huge, as it seems to be one of the only ways to help me recover enough energy to get through the day alone with the baby.

So this anniversary the gift from my hubby is the gift of sleep, and it is truly a gift of love.

What If?

My hubby and I recently participated in a small group regarding the topic of marriage. We read "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas and discussed different topics each week in the small group. One chapter just grabbed my attention. It's title "sacred struggle." Conflict exhausts me. So I have worked in my marriage to find ways to solve, resolve and manage conflict as best one can in a marriage relationship. I also have a tendency to internalize external conflict in the form of physical stress, so I literally have to limit my contact with people where there is constant tension for my own health. Conflict, tension, adversarial comments, disrespect, slander and vindictiveness when present in people I know, are managed in order to limit their impact on me. However, this chapter on "sacred struggle" taught me a lot about a deeper meaning in difficult, stressful and tension filled relationships. Here is a quote that is specifically regarding a difficult marriage that changed my paradigm regarding the meaning of conflict in relationships for me.

If we take our faith seriously and make our way through a difficult marriage in pursuit of witnessing God's reconciling love for a sinful world, then a difficult marriage becomes part of our exercise to prepare us for heaven...God never promises to remove all our trials this side of heaven - quite the contrary!- but He does promise that there is meaning in each one. Our character is being perfected, our faith is being built, our "heavenly reward" is being increased. (Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas).

As I was cleaning my house tonight, I reflected on this concept. I amused myself by realizing that my most difficult relationships do not directly include my marriage. I thought of how  unpleasant it is to deal with certain people who are constantly complaining, vindictive, inflexible and constantly creating tension around me. At the same time expressing gratitude for the pleasant, loving and enjoyable marriage I have. Then I had one of those moments of insight where it became very clear to me that this concept of God using a difficult marriage to refine my character is not limited to my marriage relationship. God is able to use any relationship that is difficult for me to manage and even maintain at times to refine my character.

This led me on a path of reflection regarding what I have learned from my most challenging personal relationships.

1. It's necessary to grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted with the individual
2. A lot of time will be spent holding your tongue, turning the other cheek, and walking away from comments that look to instigate a fight.
3. Accept the person where they are and the relationship for what it is
4. Learn what not to do in relationships, then apply that new understanding. I find myself much more thoughtful, considerate and appreciative of my countless other relationships where I experience emotional gratification.
5. My family always looks to find meaning in difficult times. It's part of our resilience. Finding meaning in a difficult relationship can make it more bearable on the days you want to give up.
6. Don't form alliances, force people to take sides for or against an individual or constantly complain, "vent" or otherwise make derogatory comments about another person in an attempt to form an alliance.

 Remember it is your character that is being refined. Trust God to do his perfect will in your life!

A cosmic do-over!

This week was full of emotional peaks and valleys. As I come to the finish line of this week and take a moment to reflect, I realize I am abundantly and overwhelmingly blessed. I say this even though I am far grumpier at the moment, then I can ever remember being or would ever want to be again. I blame it all on my quickly growing little one, affectionately of course. Over the last few months I have thought of my little one as "baby", an unknown individual, someone I will know in the future. Now I know this little one is my son! My son! I am still getting used to it. My heart literally melts whenever my hubby calls home during a break and wants to know how our son is doing. Such a little bit of knowledge has changed everything. I realize too not everyone gets a second chance like we are experiencing.

Years and years ago I remember listening to an episode of Dr. Laura on the radio. During a call she talked with a woman about the fact that we have two chances in life to have a parent/child relationship. First as a child with our own parents and second as the parents to our own children. I remember her suggesting to this woman that instead of trying so hard to fix her relationship with her mother, to focus on the relationship with her daughter, not to fix her past, but to give her daughter the best of her love, attention and devotion. This call has always stuck in the corner of my mind and occasionally I would ponder it. This week, this memory was brought to the forefront of my mind again. My husband and I get a do-over.

My husband for many years did not have his father in his life. The reasons are too many to discuss or to worry about at this point. Relationships are often so complicated, burdened by the issues of more then one generation and more than one family even. All that mattered in the middle of these complex relationships is my husband grew up without his father present. This week, each time I think about how blessed we are to have this second chance, I begin to cry. My husband gets to experience a parent/child relationship with his son. I am not saying we are going to fix the past. What's done is done. I am saying that I have a little boy who will know his father and I have a husband who will know his son. We are so blessed! ( and yes, I am crying again).

Come to me all who are weary....

 It was a bit of a jolt to my sensibilities when I joined the working world after I graduated college, when I discovered that I would at some point likely have to work Friday night or Saturday. I checked into the legal expectations to see if I could claim a form of religious exemption. As it turns out, there are certain places that do not have to allow changes in work schedules due to religious reasons. Companies that  \work with people who require 24 hour care or staffing, are one of those places. Then the first pager call, as a new supervisor, and no one would work. I had to cover the open hours. So a few times over the years,  I have been known to work sometime on Friday to Saturday in order to meet job expectations and to protect the physical, emotional and medical safety of those I cared for. At first I'll admit that I wondered what would happen to me spiritually if I worked on the day I was raised to hold as the Sabbath, a day set aside from work and other obligations and devoted to worship and fellowship with other believers. What happened? Absolutely nothing! Nothing spiritually, nothing emotionally, nothing in my every day life changed. Nothing special happened at all. I woke up the next day and went to work again. The monotony of my everyday experience at work didn't change either. Working 14 days straight is exhausting!  In an interesting twist of events, this experience early in my career actually solidified my belief in the Sabbath. I began to crave the Sabbath! A special day taken from my week devoted to developing relationships with those I treasure, and those who share in the desire to grow more like Him. No work obligations! No need to focus on furthering my career and advancing! A day when I can let the things of this world fade away for a moment and focus on the people I care about the most and the God I serve and love. Now the Sabbath is one of my favorite days of the week!

My inspiration from this blog came from the recent news regarding a spiritual leader in the Adventist church resigning his/her ministry position. I desire to speak my thoughts with grace and kindness and with respect to the difficult time this individual and their family and those who looked to him/her for leadership are going through. Having heard this individual speak on a couple of occasions, I found that I disagreed with the focus on, my interpretation here, performing perfectly as an Adventist. I willingly list what some may consider my discretion's here. I have had to work on the Sabbath. I have not been prepared for the Sabbath due to an exhausting week and had to go to the store and pick up food so we could eat. I have willingly helped out friends in need on the Sabbath, even if it involved work. I once went shopping, but felt so uncomfortable that I haven't gone out shopping again on the Sabbath. If I am not in imminent need of something, it can wait. I have made other decisions that visibly made my mother "gulp" before she shared that she supported my decision and whatever outcome, even though I know she disagreed with me. I am not a perfect Adventist! I know this! Listening to this spiritual leader in the Adventist church, solidified my realization that I am not perfect. However, this same spiritual leader also advised young men and women to forgo marriage and children to further Christ's ministry. Spouses and children were seen as burdens, distractions, and unnecessary in the quest for the kingdom of God. Honestly I cannot imagine a Sabbath without having beloved ones near me to celebrate the day. It may seem a silly issue to differ with someone on, but for me it was significant.

When the focus is on perfect performance, especially within a family, there is little room for expressions of grace. Attempts to control and create a perfect environment of perfectly expressed Adventism turns up the pressure on the relationships and emotional friction increases. Preferences on how to express the doctrines of Adventism, may become battles between spouses or parents and children with moral undertones and ultimately a beloved one's salvation is placed on the line. An emotionally devastating place to live. And a beloved one decides to cross the line and see what happens when they go outside the boundaries of Adventist beliefs. Discovering, like I did, nothing actually happens. Because their relationship is now likely laden with emotional baggage and neither party is quite sure what happened, confusion sets in. A person's salvation may literally be on the line, as a relationship with God may be non-existent, and the beloved one may not realize what the big deal is after all. In fact a long list of shouldn'ts now looks like one big lie, as it appears nothing at all happens after each doctrinal boundary held so dear by a spouse or parent is crossed.These requirements were heavy burdens, very heavy burdens, too heavy to humanly carry. Being free of those burdens feels good. I have no doubt! There are those too, like some of our spiritual leaders who have lived perfect Adventism, at least from what was observed by those around them. Never a flaw, never a struggle, never any confusion or a question about how others also need to live their lives. Those who I have observed try to carry these heavy burdens, of living perfect Adventism, often find themselves in a major crisis and lose all they have. Their families, their marriages, their children, their ministries. An even heavier burden to carry. All from carrying this burden, this image they have created of being a perfect Adventist. Not much room for grace.

This is why one of my favorite all time verses is Matthew 11:28-29

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

I imagine myself coming to Him and giving Him the burden of being perfect, the burden of appearing perfect to fellow Adventists, and the burden of my actual failures, my sins during the week. Even my imperfect way of being an Adventist. I feel Him exchange my burden for His burden. That I risk how I look to others and share my fears, my failures, my hopes and dreams. His request from me is that I be authentic and real with my struggles and my successes in my relationships. That I celebrate my relationships and allow grace in my interactions with my beloved ones and my fellow believers, when I agree with them and when I disagree, doctrinally, relationally or otherwise.. And....I must be willing to allow Him to create in me a clean heart. In His presence it is necessary to look at my temptations and confess my sins and allow Him to change me and make me more like Him. This is the only way I know to protect my beloved ones from my temptations to sin and allow grace to flourish in my life, in my relationships, and in my church.