Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Inter generational Families




I have been reflecting for some time about the state of relationships within families. Being close to other people, even if it is only physically, creates tension. From observations I have made, natural places for tension to arise occurs within age/generation cohorts and in-law interactions.Within age/generation cohorts there seems to be a natural tendency for competition of emotional, financial or relational resources to occur. Within in-law interactions it is the adjustment to new relationships and new family patterns that creates the opportunity for tension and conflict.

It seems everyone within a age group, unless they are able to support each unconditionally, have a need for some elbow room. Each person appears to need to have an area of expertise, friends of their own and a place where they are just themselves (not related to someone else). Donald Joy, PH'D talks about having a balanced relational trampoline where friends provide one whole side of the needed relationships to connect an individual to a healthy experience of reality. Too many shared relational connections even among family members influences our experience of reality. Close family interactions are good; space from family is good too.

The in -law interactions are based on the necessary growth that occurs in families. It gives rise to an interesting notion of "same and other" though. When I interact with my family it is familiar. I understand comments or looks with hidden meaning, and I understand topics that aren't discussed, or specifically are discussed in my family. My family = same. When I step into that world, I am most likely to step into my familiar role in the family. When I interact with my in-laws, I experience "other." Just as I have an innate understanding of my own family, there is a basic misunderstanding that occurs every time I interact with my in-laws. I do not have an understanding of looks or comments that contain hidden meaning.  I am not aware of topics that are discussed or topics that are off limits. This is a natural place for relational "clashes" to occur, most often unintentionally. When I step into my in-laws world I am creating a role that has not existed before and no one is sure of what that means, only that the role is essential for the continuation of my family. My in-laws = other.

If there is tension and conflict in the family, what is the antidote? It appears to me that is where being an inter generational  complex, dynamic and growing family changes the focus from tension to appreciation. As a mother, after three hours of sleep I have little appreciation for my son's skills.  However, his Grandma is likely to extol his new skills and give the encouragement that is needed. If there is tension in between in-laws, then the ability to focus on nieces and nephews and grandchildren can ease the irritations. If there is conflict between siblings, there might be a listening Grandparent, Aunt or Uncle to relieve some of the irritation between siblings.

The main thing to watch for is triangulating and splitting between family members. It's easy to get drawn into an disagreement and a lot harder to work your way back out of a disagreement. These are fantastic relational skills to learn though because they build character and provide opportunities to learn boundaries and compassion. In families we are bound to people we might not otherwise choose to be around. Perhaps that is why families were created in the first place, to challenge us beyond our abilities so that we grow  and allow us the opportunity to experience a kind of love that can propel us to great accomplishments in life.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in His holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing. " Psalms 68:5-6

Photo Courtesy of Lucent Media Group LLC and Elise H.

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