The Precipice

 

For those of you who do not attend the HomePage - this blog will probably look more analytical in nature - its a glimpse into the soul of the group. I understand that for the most part it will most likely be information of little interest - but these thoughts have weighed heavily on my mind and beg for release. So for this blog I ask for your indulgence.

Ever since the HomePage started we have spiritually lived (for those who attend) on a precipice. The questions that repeatedly demand an answer:
1. Are we Christian?
2. Are we Adventist?
3. Are we in the World?
4. Are we of the World?

This is the precipice we live on. To prevent from crashing down on either side of this precipice is a spiritual balancing act. Being drawn by both sides of being non-christian and of the world or being completely perfect in adherence to Adventist doctrine and not in the world at all, is the spiritual reality we face everyday.

How do I live my Christian faith in cooperation with my Adventist beliefs in a world that so desperately needs kindness, hope and love? For it is so easy to appear Christian but not Adventist, and in the same token it is easy to appear Adventist but not Christian. This is the precipice we live on.

I find it interesting that for the last 13 years it has been a small group of believers that have dared to attempt to live this reality. Living on the  precipice of being a Adventist filled with grace living in the world is not for the faint of heart. Adventist communities are notorious - providing a safe group of people to connect with and provide support of like-minded people. However large groups of like-minded people do not ensure an attitude of grace, but are often known for being exclusive and creating "relational clicks."  And yet there are those who are seeing that being exclusive and creating "relational clicks" drives out those who do not fit in, and there are those who seek now to join us on the precipice. To live on this spiritual precipice is to embrace ambiguity and uncertainty regarding the future, and is the only place I know that also provides limitless opportunities. Opportunities to abundantly bless others as the Father has blessed me, with "a good measure-- pressed down, shaken together, and running over." Luke 6:38. This is also a place of dialogue and questions. Every Adventist church I have observed expresses Adventist doctrine differently. The expression of Adventist doctrine is often where disagreements begin, and in those disagreements it is often where belief ends.

There is also the matter of maintaining family connections. To be Christian is to reorganize the way a family lives. To be an Adventist Christian re-organizes more than just how one family lives, it changes the way an entire extended family lives, even if just one family changes. A family changing the way it is organized too quickly can actually break a family apart. This applies to families on both sides of our precipice. A family who becomes Adventist is suddenly different from the rest of their family, possibly even causing emotional cut-off and alienation. A family who is already Adventist but has based their faith on perfect adherence to doctrine risks losing the energy that forces their family into spiritual agreement by basing their faith on grace instead of perfection. This is the precipice we live on.

To live on this precipice is to live a life of faith, to trust God will use us to bless the lives of our families, children and friends, and the larger Christian church body, and the larger Adventist church body, without knowing how. This is the precipice we live on.

Our only solution is to embrace fully the One who has chosen us for He desires all of us to join Him someday - "In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you" John 14:2. The judgment of human-kind is not in my hands and those are not decisions I want to make. My desire instead is for there to be a spiritual group that is a shelter in the storm, a place where its OK to dialogue and ask questions, a place to belong.

Photo source: Unknown

Family Traditions

I don't have typical family traditions. Traditions I remember the most were actually weekly and involved family gathering together around a favorite meal. Friday nights - what a special night of the week. Preparations for Friday dinner generally started on Thursday evening (example: what do we want for dinner tomorrow night?). Friday is when the work started - a weekly trip to the grocery store, followed by putting groceries away and starting a batch of homemade bread. A couple of loaves of bread were baked, and a pan of homemade pecan rolls were made with love and placed in the fridge.  This also allowed for homemade pizza dough to be spread into baking pans and favorite toppings placed all around. We were a little adventurous too - I remember a pizza we made with saucettes. However the family favorite, to this day, is beef and black olive. Yum!! The neat thing about these traditions - they take an afternoon to pull together. There is no build up of anxiety, it doesn't have to be perfect because we will be gathering together again next week, and it takes into account the preferences of the group. The family conversations at these Friday night meals are legendary. :) The next morning, the homemade pecan rolls are pulled out of the fridge and slipped into the oven. Such a yummy breakfast on Sabbath morning. These pecan rolls are also legendary.

These family traditions were started by my Mom. The interesting thing about my Mom is that even though these are favorite family recipes - if you ask her for the recipe, without hesitating my Mom will share her recipes. There are no secret family ingredients, no secret family recipes, no hoops to jump through to receive the recipes. This is just one of the many reasons I so admire my Mom. This gracious vulnerability is my example of how to share love and affection for others. I see it in my sister too. I watch my sister place so much time and effort into spoiling others with quality gifts that are both thoughtful and inexpensive. Sometimes though when recipes or gifts or affection are unappreciated, being graciously vulnerable doesn't leave any protective barrier to prevent being hurt either.

My Mom shared with me a Christmas Story when she was 10 years old. At 10 years old she came with her dad, who raised her, to meet her relatives in Iowa. They weren't expected and they arrived on Christmas Eve just before her cousins were going to open their Christmas presents. Mom shared "I wondered if there was a present for me under the tree." In fact, there was a Christmas present tucked under the tree, last minute, to make sure a little girl had a present to open. These are the family traditions that shape my life- welcoming family and friends and those in need, being inclusive, enjoying the Sabbath with my family and giving to others out of what I have (money, recipes, affection, food or gifts). I have decided that if I am even just a little bit like my Mom when I am her age, struggles and all, I will be an abundantly blessed woman. All of these thoughts have come to my mind as I watch people exhaust themselves trying to make sure that Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years are perfect. Those are high expectations to place on a couple of days out of the year. For me though, because family, special meals, thoughtfulness, giving and caring and celebrating my faith are a part of my weekly experience during the Sabbath, I don't have to place such high expectations on holidays, because they are just extra days to celebrate what I celebrate all year long.

When I Stop Praying

In the Bible we are beseeched to pray without ceasing (1Thessalonians 5:17). It is our honor and privilege as believers to make known our thoughts, needs, concerns and share our gratefulness and praise with our Maker. My prayers typically aren't very formal, as I just share from my heart what is going on. Looking back over the years, I see how blessed I am. Of my deepest desires, I have been given all of them. Let me be clear though, it is rarely in the timing I wanted, in the place I wanted or in the manner I wanted.

2005 was an interesting year. My sister was engaged, her fiance deployed overseas till the fall, and until they were to be married, my sister was my roommate, finishing up her senior year of college. For me it was a  year of growing up. I bought my condo convinced that it wasn't my time to meet my future husband and I would be alone for a while, and was also blessed with a promotion at work. A special trip to the SDA General Conference in St Louis also highlights the year. At about July/August though I remembered in less than a year my sister would be married and I would no longer have a roommate or anyone to keep me company in my home. This caused me a lot of anxiety. I wasn't eager to live by myself due to the intense loneliness I felt when I lived on my own before. In October of 2005 I met my future hubby. In the fullness of time in my life, my future husband arrived on the scene, right on cue. And due to his obvious appreciation of both myself and my family I knew early on he was likely to want to stick around. (My husband reminiscing the other night about his first family dinner, mentioned that my Dad started talking in a goofy Austrian accent at the dinner table. My hubby said he had not met anyone like that before...and I added or anyone like that since). The funny thing about it is that a condo purchased because I worried I would be alone has housed over the years several people. I actually needed to have purchased a bigger house - wait maybe that would mean more people living here. :)

However that story is seen now through the lens of time and understanding how my life and my Hubby's life were being guided towards each other. In the meantime there periods of time when all I felt was heartache, loneliness and feelings of rejection. Emotionally it was difficult to keep balanced between honestly experiencing my emotions and maintaining hope. It wasn't time yet for my hubby to join my life and my heart, mind and emotions didn't want to hear that answer. I wanted my way. It is often with great difficulty that I am finally able to choke out the words "not my will, but yours be done." C.S. Lewis so eloquently addresses this issue regarding prayer:

Prayer is request. The essence of a request, as distinct from a demand, that is why it may or may not be granted. And if an infinitely wise Being listens to the requests of finite and foolish creatures, of course He will sometimes grant them and sometimes refuse them…. If God had granted all the silly prayers I’ve made in my life, where would I be now?” 

The trouble is in my emotionally dark moments my need is real and all consuming, not silly. So this is how I know when it is time to stop praying, when I start demanding and commanding God to do things on my behalf. When my emotions and need overwhelm everything and all I can do is tell God to do what I want and do it now. I know then it is time to take a step back breathe, meditate or just plain cry until my emotions and needs have subsided again. That is when I am reminded that the pain I feel and the tears that fall do not go unnoticed

"You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

When I am demanding and commanding God to act on my behalf in a manner I approve of I am insisting on my will be done, it is also a way of denying the sorrow and loss that I feel.  The verse in Psalms is a reminder that its OK to feel the sorrow, the grief and the loss of my dreams occurring in the manner I longed for. In fact my Father in Heaven cares so much about my sorrows that he stores my tears and writes my sorrows down, He will not forget me. When I stop praying and experience my sorrows and losses, I am able approach the throne of Grace again seeking His will be done. Its part of my continual journey of surrender to Him "not my will, but Yours be done." Amen.

Contentment

When I look at this picture, I see possibilities, the adventures yet to begin, and at the same time I see contentment, I hear the rhythm of the surf, and I feel the coolness of the sand. Contentment means peace, satisfaction,  and an ongoing battle between wanting more and accepting where I am in my life. Perhaps that is why contentment is something that so often eludes me. There seems to me a fine line between motivation to change and enjoying where I am in life.

I have completed a semester's worth of work in grad school. I am well into the process of learning about Marriage and Family Therapy. Yet it seems a blink of time and it will be done. I will be onto the next phase of my life. At the same time life does not stop. My husband and I still face challenges, still have to remember to work together and still get overwhelmed with trying to juggle each area of responsibility.


Then we come to Christmas....the time of year where reflection and busyness collide. This year my husband and I have spent more time together, more time just enjoying being around each other, and more time talking about our interests. I think of all the time I could be out searching for the perfect gifts, spending money, and adding to the stress in my life. Instead I find myself thinking about the special moments of this year shared with my husband, family and extended family. And the joy of meeting more of husband's extended family and how blessed we are to have them in our lives. This year I want more contentment....more peace.....more joy....more memories that will hold me through the tough times in life. I have enough stuff. I can always buy something bigger, better or faster. I realize now what a blessed woman I am, my life is full of precious, wonderful friends and family. So in the coming year I want more of the same, more joy, more memories. I want more hugs from my husband, more shared laughter and fun with our families, all of them,  and more time with good friends to share the stories, and a baby would be nice too. In the meantime, whether I receive what I want or not, I will remember "every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change" James 1:17. Because the Father is the one who cares for me and has given me everything I have, whatever  I have is enough. I am content.

l'll hold your weaknesses. Will you hold mine?

I am so surprised at how often people (friends, family members, acquaintances) expect perfection out of themselves and also the people around them. Church too. A perfect Christian, whether a church member or leader seems to me the opposite presentation of our actual needs in Church every week. We come as we are, broken, sinful and needing healing. This is something that happens in a meaningful way during conversion, and it also needs to happen every week. Why every week?

We are experiencing life every week. Life with its approval of perfection and its disapproval of failure. It can create a toughness, a facade, demanding only perfection be allowed to show. In reality though we are dealing with more painful things than can be handled perfectly.  I like this quote from "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse."

Satan has erected fortresses in people's lives through incest, child abuse, domestic violence, alcoholism and countless other addictions, spiritual abuse, any way he can deceive, rob and enslave. But instead of tearing down these fortresses with truth and grace, the church has fought about the color of the hymnals. We have taught classes, built buildings, served on committees, and gone to seminars so that our leaders are spiritually gratified. We have spent our spiritual energy bribing our children to go to church and memorize Bible verse by promising perfect attendance pins and trophies. We have taken each others' spiritual inventories to make sure people aren't going to movies, wearing makeup or chewing gum in church. We have taught people prayer recipes and formulas. If this is really our job, we are truly spiritually overdressed.

I find it interesting that we are all of us going through difficult times whether its a lack spiritual, financial, emotional resources or dealing with conflict within our support systems, we are constantly being taxed. This reveals to me that within the Body of Christ, we have profound opportunities of ministry, to each other. 

I grew up the daughter of a passionate man, with a vision for creating a spiritually healthy place for people who long for an authentic relationship with God. My Dad reminds me of this verse 

"Of the sons of Issachar, men who understood the times, with knowledge of what Israel should do, their chiefs were two hundred; and all their kinsmen were at their command." 1st Chronicles 12:32.

My Dad is someone who understood the times and knew what needed to be done. I tease my Dad that he has the vision and leadership for great things, its the nuts and bolts of making it happen that escape him. :) My point is that that he knew what needed to be done for the future of the church and he was able to "pass the torch" of that vision to his children, and also to their spouses (and if you know in-law situations, you know this was a bigger challenge than the first).

However I am not unaware that my Dad also has weaknesses. Being his child I have had a front row seat and heard the criticisms leveled at him regarding his weaknesses and then heard them used to discredit his ability to lead. These experiences were invaluable to me. It taught me several things...

1. Don't assume that I know the whole story - being willing to listen and accept both sides of the story as truth. (This helped us to reconcile a relationship with family over the summer that I thought would never find healing).
2. Using a weakness against someone is part of the pursuit of perfection I see most often in the workplace.( I have actually been offered the opportunity to advance if I would take advantage of a friend and colleague with less experience, less ability and less seniority than I. I wasn't interested and left that job eventually).
3. Working as a team has always brought me more success than working on my own. (I have worked with people with both great strengths and significant weaknesses).
4. Hold a person's weaknesses gently. (I have only seen significant growth occur regarding a person's weaknesses when it is in the shelter of a securely attached relationship).

Where you go I'll go

Do you have a mentor in your life that inspired you? Brought out the best in you? I have been blessed with both the opportunity to be lead by dynamic, interesting and thoughtful individuals, but also had the opportunity to lead. Since I work with adults and children with developmental delays, I sometimes also am the person who stands alone advocating for a person who needs my voice. Every parent though is a leader. Thinking that leadership is left up to the Teachers, Pastors and other professionals denies the central role a parent plays in a child's life.  Let's explore the topic of leadership together and see where it leads us......

For leadership to occur it means that something intangible is being passed from mentor to mentored. There are also different environments in which leadership is needed. Leadership starts with the individual and works it way outward.
1. Individual
2. Family
3. Community of associates
4. Larger Community
5. State
6. National
7. Global
8. Spiritual

In addition there are many voices claiming that their way is the right way. Leadership is seen as a way to develop power over people, and when someone has power that isn't too far away from being able to control other people.  Jesus spoke of this to his disciples regarding spiritual leadership and waiting for Him to come again.

At that time if anyone says to you, ‘Look, here is the Christ!’ or, ‘There he is!’ do not believe it. 24For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and miracles to deceive even the elect—if that were possible. 25See, I have told you ahead of time. 26“So if anyone tells you, ‘There he is, out in the desert,’ do not go out; or, ‘Here he is, in the inner rooms,’ do not believe it. 27For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man.(Mathew 24:23-27)




How do we sort out the different messages coming at us on a daily basis, claiming to have truth, happiness and health for all who follow?
 I love this verse in 1st Chronicles that describes leadership from the tribe of Issachar:
"These are the numbers of the men armed for battle who came to David at Hebron to turn Saul’s kingdom over to him, as the LORD had said......from Issachar, men who understood the times and knew what Israel should do—200 chiefs, with all their relatives under their command." 1 Chronicles 12:23 and 32

So they understood the time and knew what Israel should do. The question is "how do you get Israel, or my family, or co-workers to do it?"

A great leader will likely have some of these qualities:

Curiosity
Playful
A Sense of Humor
Allows mistakes
Maintains an environment free from gossip

I mention these qualities and not the hundred others that are just as needed because these qualities are naturally motivating allowing individuals to express initiative and grow in areas of their own interest. Allowing a person to become the person they were made to be.



For parents I think it is imperative that they recognize the decisions they make everyday are being absorbed by the little ones and not so little ones they are leading.

For girls - the emotional style of the family is being absorbed everyday and eventually will be the family legacy they pass to the next generation.

For boys - the integrity  and character of the family is being absorbed everyday and eventually will be the family legacy they pass to the next generation.

Another interesting theory I have heard is that we parent like the opposite sex parent in our life. So women parent like they have seen their Dad's parent, and men parent like they have seen their Mom's parent. Interesting theory - that I think has some validity to it. However we always have free-will and are able to change our parenting styles as well. 

This was fun exploring today - I look forward to additional insights on this topic anyone is willing to share.



 Here is a fun leadership quiz that has three styles of leadership
1. Authoratative
2. Participatory

3. Delagative
( I am a participatory leader)


Here is a leadership quiz from a Christian perspective with the following leadership styles:
1.Pioneering
2.Strategic
3.Management
4.Team (also servant leadership)
5. Encouraging 
(I am a strategic leader).

Here is another quiz that I found to be pretty realistic in its description of my abilities.

The Emotional Center

When I married my husband, I became the emotional center of this couple. I have learned to carefully approach issues that may have unresolved emotional responses on my part because a little irritation on my part is usually met with a stronger negative emotional response than I initially provided. I read a story the other day about a woman who struggled to become pregnant with her second child. Knowing that nothing was wrong with her body and that it would just take time to become pregnant did not reduce the sadness she felt each month when her dream was not realized. As the mother of a son and as a wife she mentioned about how careful she had to be in managing her sadness. The men in her life relied on her so strongly to help balance their emotions that sadness in her resulted in sadness in her young son and in her husband. Her story touched me because I face my own challenges in managing my emotions and "our" emotions because my hubby turns to me first when he is emotionally overloaded seeking relief and guidance on how to direct them without harming others.

Before I came into the story though there was a another person who was my husband's emotional center, his Mother. Some wives require complete and total devotion from their husbands to the exclusion of all other women in their husband's family. That woman is not me. Ironically though, I have a husband who is devoted to me to the point of excluding all other women from his life, if I were to ask that of him. Having this level of devotion from my husband though makes me more reflective in how I handle conflict. I promised myself before I married that my husband wouldn't have to fight my battles for me. Although I think I have a warrior at my side who would "throw down" for me should I require it. Ultimately though, I see that there is not enough of me to meet all of the emotional, spiritual and relational needs of my husband, and letting others meet his/our needs is an opportunity to experience nurturing. Besides even I know that no one can cook like my Mom - so too my husband has great memories with his Mom.

Occasionally though I hear the story of the Mother that requires complete and total devotion from their sons, to the exclusion of their wives and children, if the Mother asks that of him. What a quandary to place a son! To express devotion to their wife and child(ren) at the potential loss of a nurturing parental figure, requires confidence that his wife can meet all of his needs. That's a pretty heavy burden for a wife, and sometimes wives aren't meeting a husband's needs the way he wants.  I think that is often why a man does just enough boundary setting with his Mom to keep the wife from complaining too loudly, without losing the opportunity to still have some of his emotional needs met by his Mom.   To express devotion to his Mom at the potential loss of a close relationship with his wife I think shows an attempt to have unmet childhood needs met. It would be like setting up a relational test and often in those situations a Mom succeeds just enough for the adult son to think "if I try again, she will really meet my needs this time." This sets up tension in the relationship between the wife and the mother. Unsure of who is meeting the son/husbands needs creates the opportunity for competition, potentially seen as competition for the son's heart.

What a Mother needs to keep in mind - even if it looks like you have your son's heart, you really don't. What is probably happening is that your son keeps you distant until he can no longer avoid interaction - then he reverts into the childhood role he played until he can create emotional distance again.

What you can do? Observe your interactions with him: are they emotional (negative or positive)? Demanding(I have information I will share only if you call me)? Intense? Lengthy (over five minutes)?

If you find that your interactions are emotional, demanding and/or lengthy change that - find ways to affirm and celebrate your son in short (I cannot emphasize this enough)...short cards, notes, emails and phone calls. By short I mean under five minutes on the phone or a note with a couple of sentences. Keep it short!!! However often is okay (by often I mean weekly or several days between contact), obsessive is not (by obsessive I mean daily or more often). And if he initiates contact more often then what I described.....Enjoy!!

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