What If?

My hubby and I recently participated in a small group regarding the topic of marriage. We read "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas and discussed different topics each week in the small group. One chapter just grabbed my attention. It's title "sacred struggle." Conflict exhausts me. So I have worked in my marriage to find ways to solve, resolve and manage conflict as best one can in a marriage relationship. I also have a tendency to internalize external conflict in the form of physical stress, so I literally have to limit my contact with people where there is constant tension for my own health. Conflict, tension, adversarial comments, disrespect, slander and vindictiveness when present in people I know, are managed in order to limit their impact on me. However, this chapter on "sacred struggle" taught me a lot about a deeper meaning in difficult, stressful and tension filled relationships. Here is a quote that is specifically regarding a difficult marriage that changed my paradigm regarding the meaning of conflict in relationships for me.

If we take our faith seriously and make our way through a difficult marriage in pursuit of witnessing God's reconciling love for a sinful world, then a difficult marriage becomes part of our exercise to prepare us for heaven...God never promises to remove all our trials this side of heaven - quite the contrary!- but He does promise that there is meaning in each one. Our character is being perfected, our faith is being built, our "heavenly reward" is being increased. (Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas).

As I was cleaning my house tonight, I reflected on this concept. I amused myself by realizing that my most difficult relationships do not directly include my marriage. I thought of how  unpleasant it is to deal with certain people who are constantly complaining, vindictive, inflexible and constantly creating tension around me. At the same time expressing gratitude for the pleasant, loving and enjoyable marriage I have. Then I had one of those moments of insight where it became very clear to me that this concept of God using a difficult marriage to refine my character is not limited to my marriage relationship. God is able to use any relationship that is difficult for me to manage and even maintain at times to refine my character.

This led me on a path of reflection regarding what I have learned from my most challenging personal relationships.

1. It's necessary to grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted with the individual
2. A lot of time will be spent holding your tongue, turning the other cheek, and walking away from comments that look to instigate a fight.
3. Accept the person where they are and the relationship for what it is
4. Learn what not to do in relationships, then apply that new understanding. I find myself much more thoughtful, considerate and appreciative of my countless other relationships where I experience emotional gratification.
5. My family always looks to find meaning in difficult times. It's part of our resilience. Finding meaning in a difficult relationship can make it more bearable on the days you want to give up.
6. Don't form alliances, force people to take sides for or against an individual or constantly complain, "vent" or otherwise make derogatory comments about another person in an attempt to form an alliance.

 Remember it is your character that is being refined. Trust God to do his perfect will in your life!

A cosmic do-over!

This week was full of emotional peaks and valleys. As I come to the finish line of this week and take a moment to reflect, I realize I am abundantly and overwhelmingly blessed. I say this even though I am far grumpier at the moment, then I can ever remember being or would ever want to be again. I blame it all on my quickly growing little one, affectionately of course. Over the last few months I have thought of my little one as "baby", an unknown individual, someone I will know in the future. Now I know this little one is my son! My son! I am still getting used to it. My heart literally melts whenever my hubby calls home during a break and wants to know how our son is doing. Such a little bit of knowledge has changed everything. I realize too not everyone gets a second chance like we are experiencing.

Years and years ago I remember listening to an episode of Dr. Laura on the radio. During a call she talked with a woman about the fact that we have two chances in life to have a parent/child relationship. First as a child with our own parents and second as the parents to our own children. I remember her suggesting to this woman that instead of trying so hard to fix her relationship with her mother, to focus on the relationship with her daughter, not to fix her past, but to give her daughter the best of her love, attention and devotion. This call has always stuck in the corner of my mind and occasionally I would ponder it. This week, this memory was brought to the forefront of my mind again. My husband and I get a do-over.

My husband for many years did not have his father in his life. The reasons are too many to discuss or to worry about at this point. Relationships are often so complicated, burdened by the issues of more then one generation and more than one family even. All that mattered in the middle of these complex relationships is my husband grew up without his father present. This week, each time I think about how blessed we are to have this second chance, I begin to cry. My husband gets to experience a parent/child relationship with his son. I am not saying we are going to fix the past. What's done is done. I am saying that I have a little boy who will know his father and I have a husband who will know his son. We are so blessed! ( and yes, I am crying again).

Come to me all who are weary....

 It was a bit of a jolt to my sensibilities when I joined the working world after I graduated college, when I discovered that I would at some point likely have to work Friday night or Saturday. I checked into the legal expectations to see if I could claim a form of religious exemption. As it turns out, there are certain places that do not have to allow changes in work schedules due to religious reasons. Companies that  \work with people who require 24 hour care or staffing, are one of those places. Then the first pager call, as a new supervisor, and no one would work. I had to cover the open hours. So a few times over the years,  I have been known to work sometime on Friday to Saturday in order to meet job expectations and to protect the physical, emotional and medical safety of those I cared for. At first I'll admit that I wondered what would happen to me spiritually if I worked on the day I was raised to hold as the Sabbath, a day set aside from work and other obligations and devoted to worship and fellowship with other believers. What happened? Absolutely nothing! Nothing spiritually, nothing emotionally, nothing in my every day life changed. Nothing special happened at all. I woke up the next day and went to work again. The monotony of my everyday experience at work didn't change either. Working 14 days straight is exhausting!  In an interesting twist of events, this experience early in my career actually solidified my belief in the Sabbath. I began to crave the Sabbath! A special day taken from my week devoted to developing relationships with those I treasure, and those who share in the desire to grow more like Him. No work obligations! No need to focus on furthering my career and advancing! A day when I can let the things of this world fade away for a moment and focus on the people I care about the most and the God I serve and love. Now the Sabbath is one of my favorite days of the week!

My inspiration from this blog came from the recent news regarding a spiritual leader in the Adventist church resigning his/her ministry position. I desire to speak my thoughts with grace and kindness and with respect to the difficult time this individual and their family and those who looked to him/her for leadership are going through. Having heard this individual speak on a couple of occasions, I found that I disagreed with the focus on, my interpretation here, performing perfectly as an Adventist. I willingly list what some may consider my discretion's here. I have had to work on the Sabbath. I have not been prepared for the Sabbath due to an exhausting week and had to go to the store and pick up food so we could eat. I have willingly helped out friends in need on the Sabbath, even if it involved work. I once went shopping, but felt so uncomfortable that I haven't gone out shopping again on the Sabbath. If I am not in imminent need of something, it can wait. I have made other decisions that visibly made my mother "gulp" before she shared that she supported my decision and whatever outcome, even though I know she disagreed with me. I am not a perfect Adventist! I know this! Listening to this spiritual leader in the Adventist church, solidified my realization that I am not perfect. However, this same spiritual leader also advised young men and women to forgo marriage and children to further Christ's ministry. Spouses and children were seen as burdens, distractions, and unnecessary in the quest for the kingdom of God. Honestly I cannot imagine a Sabbath without having beloved ones near me to celebrate the day. It may seem a silly issue to differ with someone on, but for me it was significant.

When the focus is on perfect performance, especially within a family, there is little room for expressions of grace. Attempts to control and create a perfect environment of perfectly expressed Adventism turns up the pressure on the relationships and emotional friction increases. Preferences on how to express the doctrines of Adventism, may become battles between spouses or parents and children with moral undertones and ultimately a beloved one's salvation is placed on the line. An emotionally devastating place to live. And a beloved one decides to cross the line and see what happens when they go outside the boundaries of Adventist beliefs. Discovering, like I did, nothing actually happens. Because their relationship is now likely laden with emotional baggage and neither party is quite sure what happened, confusion sets in. A person's salvation may literally be on the line, as a relationship with God may be non-existent, and the beloved one may not realize what the big deal is after all. In fact a long list of shouldn'ts now looks like one big lie, as it appears nothing at all happens after each doctrinal boundary held so dear by a spouse or parent is crossed.These requirements were heavy burdens, very heavy burdens, too heavy to humanly carry. Being free of those burdens feels good. I have no doubt! There are those too, like some of our spiritual leaders who have lived perfect Adventism, at least from what was observed by those around them. Never a flaw, never a struggle, never any confusion or a question about how others also need to live their lives. Those who I have observed try to carry these heavy burdens, of living perfect Adventism, often find themselves in a major crisis and lose all they have. Their families, their marriages, their children, their ministries. An even heavier burden to carry. All from carrying this burden, this image they have created of being a perfect Adventist. Not much room for grace.

This is why one of my favorite all time verses is Matthew 11:28-29

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

I imagine myself coming to Him and giving Him the burden of being perfect, the burden of appearing perfect to fellow Adventists, and the burden of my actual failures, my sins during the week. Even my imperfect way of being an Adventist. I feel Him exchange my burden for His burden. That I risk how I look to others and share my fears, my failures, my hopes and dreams. His request from me is that I be authentic and real with my struggles and my successes in my relationships. That I celebrate my relationships and allow grace in my interactions with my beloved ones and my fellow believers, when I agree with them and when I disagree, doctrinally, relationally or otherwise.. And....I must be willing to allow Him to create in me a clean heart. In His presence it is necessary to look at my temptations and confess my sins and allow Him to change me and make me more like Him. This is the only way I know to protect my beloved ones from my temptations to sin and allow grace to flourish in my life, in my relationships, and in my church.

Will you lose a battle ....to win the war for your child's, or your spouse's heart?

I am reminded of my own mother when I was about 10. I attempted to defy her wishes just once. The result of our interaction was quite painful for me physically and emotionally, and undeserved I might add, because I was a very easy going child and my mother would have needed to do very little to motivate me to please her. Instead I have a traumatic memory of that incident and a pervasive sense of distrust towards her which did not dissipate until my later teen years. The lack of compassion in that moment from my mother resulted in less of a connection with her.A decision I know today pains her and the consequences in our relationship were ones she did not want nor anticipated, but in that moment twenty years ago my defiance was all she could see. Sometimes even when it appears a battle will be lost, the compassionate and wise choice is to find a way to stay connected, even in the midst of defiance. Losing one battle to maintain the relationship, even if it appears the defiant child will win, in the end the parent will likely win the war regarding desired long-term behavior change in the child.

All of these thoughts came to mind tonight as I process the experience during our worship service at HomePage over the weekend. Each week the experience is different, the outpouring of weekly emotions, experiences and expectations overflowing into our worship service. It is no different at other churches. Just at most churches everyone is expected to conform to one way of interacting with each other. At the HomePage we have learned that the emotions, experiences and expectations come along with whether or not you "allow" them  to be expressed or not.  No doubt about somethings that happen are definitely quirky, definitely unique to our expression of worship. As I watched the group of people gathered together, with their loved ones surrounding them, I came to the conclusion we each make decisions each weekend.

Will I attend a church where I feel comfortable, but will likely worship without my beloved ones?

Or will I attend a church where I sometimes feel uncomfortable, but my beloved ones surround me as we worship together?

These questions are ones that Adventists have faced before. Previously the decision made is this: "I will feel comfortable" and the beloved ones leave the church, in droves, ending up in churches that have created an opportunity to belong, or out in the ambiguity of whether or not to even believe in God.

At the HomePage we are trying out the other side of the equation. What happens when I sometimes feel spiritually, emotionally, relationally uncomfortable, but my spiritual journey includes my beloved one(s)? My husband has told me that prior to meeting me and attending HomePage, he seriously questioned what his spiritual journey would look like five, ten years down the road. Now he insists that we attend church each week and that we will have a spiritual home to raise our child in our faith. Knowing that my spiritual journey includes my beloved ones makes the uncomfortable moments worth the personal growth that occur. And knowing that by choosing a relationship with my husband and my child, even when I may not agree with individual decisions they make means I win the battle for their hearts, makes those uncomfortable moments fade away from memory.

Insight Please!

           Dinner tonight with my hubby inspired some thoughts regarding individual behavior in relationships. Personal insight into choices individuals make seems strangely lacking to me. My hubby told me the story of an acquaintance of his who exhibits the same behavior (i.e self-righteousness) that he or she claims to abhor. Moments like that I wonder how come there is so little personal reflection. If I don't like how I am treated by others, why would I treat other people in a manner I am so profoundly upset by.

          I observe this behavior in personal relationships quite often. I have observed people I have worked with complain about the way they are treated by their family. Either controlled, ignored or somewhere completely confusing and infuriating in between. However, those individuals are so focused on the relationship that is irritating them and over which they have less influence or control, a power struggle in that relationship often ensues. Sometimes those power struggles last a lifetime and continue on through multiple generations. Yet these same adults engaged in a power struggle with senior members (parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles) or peer members (cousins, siblings, etc) of their family,  cannot see how they are creating the very same environment for their children. The only environment over which these adult children have the power to create is the one in their own home with young children, and the power to influence their older children. Needless energy is wasted on attempting to correct the past, when the future sits for a fleeting moment literally in their laps. If just a little of the energy that is directed at those who have hurt them, were instead focused on loving, caring and paying attention to their children, imagine the difference that could be made. Instead, I often see the children used as pawns, effective pawns, as grandparents kowtow to their adult children, having learned the lesson of relationships too late to influence their own children, and worried if they do not give in they will not have a relationship with their grandchildren. And the resentment builds. And 20 years from now, the parents will be grandparents, regretting relational decisions they made with both their parents and their children, only now their children will be in control of their relationship with their grandchildren. And the cycle continues.

           I am not without temptation in this area. My most recent trip to our counselor included my comment of "why can't other people have some insight into their actions." Our counselor told me "you only have a say in what you and (your hubby) decide to do." So true. The question is in my relationships will I choose to have insight regarding my behavior. My behavior, not anyone else's behavior. When I am in the midst of such inner searching my go to book is "Strong women, Soft hearts." I found in there the confrontational moment I needed and the area I needed to continually pray about. I found it in the chapter on "Losing Heart " :

 We live by inner statements that are born out of experienced pain, and these statements shape our lives more than we can possibly imagine. If the wound is great enough, or the experience happened early in our lives, these inner statements are much more akin to a vow.  No way, not while there is tea in China, will we get stuck in that experience again .That's the intensity associated
with a vow. It's like concrete that hardens around a wound, something calcified that only the love of Christ can soften and dissolve. (Rinehart, 2001, p. 56).

 Yeah, that sounds about right. I am looking at the vows I have made and praying about them. Yes, I have some pretty strong vows I have made.I haven't changed them or let go of them yet. Just being aware of them is challenging. Only, I don't like the person those vows tempt me to become. I also don't like the vulnerability letting go of those vows creates in my heart. I also have a lot of uncertainty as to what an environment without these vows will look like. So many questions this spiritual confrontation has created in my heart.  Will I be brave enough to explore the possibilities? Or will I turn back to and embrace my vows to protect myself? Will I choose to create the very means by which I could alienate my own children? I don't have the answer yet.

The Lord places the lonely in families- now what?

I love this verse in Psalms: :"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,

is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families." Psalms 68:5-6. It's such a beautiful concept. The images it brings to mind are of families happily spending time together, enjoying each others company, and participating in fun recreational activities. The idyllic family reunion at the park on a beautiful summer evening is what I see. It's kind of like imagining a wedding. The beauty, the elegance, the magic of a wedding day is impossible to match. Especially in the every day interactions, boring and monotonous I might add, interactions

of marriage. Family is a beautiful thing, just like a wedding is a magical experience! Family interactions, family health and a encouraging a family to grow together takes work, lots of work. Just like a marriage takes work.

If this is not an easy experience, why does God then find it so important to place orphans, widows and the lonely in families?  My only explanation is to help us learn how to get along with people we wouldn't otherwise choose to have a close relationship with. It is also the only social situation where you do not have a choice in who joins the group. Other people, siblings, children, etc choose their mates and bring them to the family for inclusion and acceptance. Refusing to accept the person's spouse only sours the relationship between the related family members. It's a fascinating dilemma. I may be just fine confronting a spouse of the related family member on issues that are concerning. However, I may not be willing to pay the relational price with the related family member. Its a difficult dilemma. The dance of intimacy then begins - too close with someone and you might lose your sense of identity, this is managed with distance. Too distant and a family starts to lose its cohesiveness, this is managed with increased intimacy.

There are also these weird unspoken things, like women are the gatekeepers of relationships. I didn't know that prior to getting married. If you have a step-parents, the wife may be the gatekeeper to your dad. In the in-law relationship, your mother-in-law will be the gatekeeper to the relationship with your father-in-law. With your brother, your sister-in-law will be the gatekeeper of the relationship. With your son, your daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper of the relationship. Aunts will be the gatekeeper to relationships with Uncles. This took all of my last 5 years of married life to figure out. Very helpful to know and understand.

This doesn't even begin to cover the areas of boundaries, levels of relationship, and even maintaining civil conversations. The complexity of the family relationship is limitless. I don't pretend to have an answer to creating a close, loving family. I don't have an answer for what to do when a member engages in destructive relational interactions. I do know that it is ALWAYS the children that pay the price for positive skills and for negative skills. Maybe the Lord will continue to provide me opportunities so that when I am 80 - this wisdom will be mine. I do know that within the family is where a legacy is created and passed on to the next generations. In a family is where grace, love and faith are learned at the knees of our parents and grandparents. In a family is where relational skills, for better or for ill are learned and integrated into our lives. I also know that belonging is such a tenuous feeling in extended families, that making sure that everyone is aware they belong to the family is helpful. 

And if you ever have wisdom on growing family relationships, be sure to include me.

Challenges of Parenting

I had a conversation with someone this weekend about how to connect with and maintain a relationship with adult children. As I am no expert on this myself, I went looking for resources.


From the wisdom shared with me by parents of adult children, this list seemed most like what was shared with me.

For the complete article by Dr Joshua Coleman, click this link. Here is part of the list

• Don't criticize their choice in romantic partners. You have raised your adult child to be independent, so don't assume that you know better about who they should be with.
•  Don't criticize their parenting. Yes, you may have years of experience, but most people like to learn on their own and resent intrusions from the outside, especially from parents.
•  Don't guilt trip about their lack of involvement with you. Guilt increases distance and resentment.
•  If you're going to say no to a request for money or some other form of support, do it with affection and not as a complaint or criticism.
•  Take responsibility for mistakes you've made in the past.
•  If your adult child has cut off contact, don't respond with retaliation. 

Wisdom perhaps for more than just parent/child relationships as well.