Inter generational Families

I have been reflecting for some time about the state of relationships within families. Being close to other people, even if it is only physically, creates tension. From observations I have made, natural places for tension to arise occurs within age/generation cohorts and in-law interactions.Within age/generation cohorts there seems to be a natural tendency for competition of emotional, financial or relational resources to occur. Within in-law interactions it is the adjustment to new relationships and new family patterns that creates the opportunity for tension and conflict.

It seems everyone within a age group, unless they are able to support each unconditionally, have a need for some elbow room. Each person appears to need to have an area of expertise, friends of their own and a place where they are just themselves (not related to someone else). Donald Joy, PH'D talks about having a balanced relational trampoline where friends provide one whole side of the needed relationships to connect an individual to a healthy experience of reality. Too many shared relational connections even among family members influences our experience of reality. Close family interactions are good; space from family is good too.

The in -law interactions are based on the necessary growth that occurs in families. It gives rise to an interesting notion of "same and other" though. When I interact with my family it is familiar. I understand comments or looks with hidden meaning, and I understand topics that aren't discussed, or specifically are discussed in my family. My family = same. When I step into that world, I am most likely to step into my familiar role in the family. When I interact with my in-laws, I experience "other." Just as I have an innate understanding of my own family, there is a basic misunderstanding that occurs every time I interact with my in-laws. I do not have an understanding of looks or comments that contain hidden meaning.  I am not aware of topics that are discussed or topics that are off limits. This is a natural place for relational "clashes" to occur, most often unintentionally. When I step into my in-laws world I am creating a role that has not existed before and no one is sure of what that means, only that the role is essential for the continuation of my family. My in-laws = other.

If there is tension and conflict in the family, what is the antidote? It appears to me that is where being an inter generational  complex, dynamic and growing family changes the focus from tension to appreciation. As a mother, after three hours of sleep I have little appreciation for my son's skills.  However, his Grandma is likely to extol his new skills and give the encouragement that is needed. If there is tension in between in-laws, then the ability to focus on nieces and nephews and grandchildren can ease the irritations. If there is conflict between siblings, there might be a listening Grandparent, Aunt or Uncle to relieve some of the irritation between siblings.

The main thing to watch for is triangulating and splitting between family members. It's easy to get drawn into an disagreement and a lot harder to work your way back out of a disagreement. These are fantastic relational skills to learn though because they build character and provide opportunities to learn boundaries and compassion. In families we are bound to people we might not otherwise choose to be around. Perhaps that is why families were created in the first place, to challenge us beyond our abilities so that we grow  and allow us the opportunity to experience a kind of love that can propel us to great accomplishments in life.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in His holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing. " Psalms 68:5-6

Photo Courtesy of Lucent Media Group LLC and Elise H.

The winter of my faith

I had some crazy dreams that life would be different, in a good way, after grad school was completed. No doubt, there have been some good things. No more nights spent in class and free time taken up by homework and internships. It seems though in other ways that life came crashing down around me, making it hard to catch my breath. I have to say, I am incredibly grateful that over the last year I seem to have outgrown the emotional and spiritual meltdowns that often occurred before. An embarrassing experience to constantly call into question the love of my Savior, over truly trivial things. My needs are met, more often more abundantly than I could ever imagine. So while this winter has meant several dreams are hibernating, much like the ground outside is covered in snow, I am confident that with the spring, the changes we are hoping for will happen for us, much like the landscape bursts into bloom with the spring.

I have also faced another chapter in one of the most challenging experiences of my adult life. What to do with the loss of a child, when it is wanted more than anything else in the world, loved with a constant, confident love, and prayed for without ceasing. The most recent chapter isn't mine to share, and so I won't be discussing it here, at all. I have had to revisit my own precious losses though, and in remembering my own losses, I haven't found an answer I like, believe or understand. I suspect that I have a choice and have the chance to maybe, someday be wiser. As I meditate on my choices this concept of joy and sorrow flutters at the edge of my consciousness. I am not sure I am ready to invite it in yet:

"Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at any costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth." Henri Nouwen


Photo courtest of Lucent Media Group LLC.

The still quiet voice

My faith, even as an adult, I confess, has depended on happiness and prosperity. My experience was much like the friends of Job (NIV) who tell Job to curse God when all is taken from him. When life is going well, then I am confident in the love of God. When life is at it's worst, then I rage emotionally against a distant, aloof God who has abandoned me to a life of discouragement, despair and pain. This is quite an emotional roller coaster to experience. I am actually quite embarrassed at this description of my faith walk, yet it is true. This is how I behaved in my relationship with God.  As I pondered and prayed about my experience of faith, I came to realize that I am not this emotionally dramatic in my day-to-day relationships, so why would I want to experience such emotional highs and lows in my relationship with the Almighty One?

So I embarked on an experiment....

Six months ago I decided to pray every day for the following:

1. My husband and my greatest needs, whether financial, school, medical, etc in nature. 

2. Relationships in my family

3. For growth and prosperity in the areas most deeply touched by the most painful emotional experiences in my family

4. For my church family and our health and relationships

Then I documented the need, the specific relationship, or the area of emotional pain and  tracked the monthly progress, regression or lack of progress that occurred. Over the next six months I have prayed, life has happened and my anxiety levels stayed low as I watched amazing things happen. 

Medical bills were paid down, even though we had very little income

Grad school was paid off

At the very last moment, I found the right job for me, and for my family

And countless other responses that are too private to share in this setting....then came September. 

We had immediate needs...and nothing happened.  October came and things got worse.

The whole experience resulted in a middle of the night argument with my husband, while at my lowest physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

My mother in law was very ill

Our car needed another repair

We had no money

Professional stressors were involved

And my husband and I were dealing with a very painful loss

After a very emotional exhausting argument, I thought to myself...this is a low as we can be. My faith was holding on, even though I was profoundly confused. It is interesting to look back on these last ten days and realize that while my faith held on, my emotional response to my faith stayed constant...my immune system worn down by the stress crumbled...and I could not overcome a simple cough/cold. Once again I turned to prayer, and focused on the thought that maybe documenting the answers to prayer had made me too sure of our decisions, and we needed to follow a different path. I began looking at a plan B. 

Within 24 hours, things completely turned around...I cannot describe how surreal it was. 

My mother in law's illness was caught in time and while the recovery was slow, it did not involve surgery. 

The car did not actually need a repair.

Professional stressors resolved.

Friends loved on us.

Family loved on us.

We were abundantly loved and cared for. 

It was incredible to experience. Even though my immune system took the hit this time, I am going to continue to practice my faith in this manner for a while, until I am able to mature a bit more in my faith. Because I like experiencing a constant faith that carries me through my lowest times, without becoming a tearful, angry child, desperate for an answer. I like experiencing a trusting relationship with my Father in  Heaven. 

My Faith has found a resting place, by Eliza E. Hewitt

My faith has found a resting place,
Not in device or creed;
I trust the ever-living One,
His wounds for me shall plead.

 o Refrain:
I need no other argument,
 I need no other plea,
It is enough that Jesus died,
And that He died for me.

 Enough for me that Jesus saves,
This ends my fear and doubt;
A sinful soul I came to Him,
 He’ll never cast me out.

 My heart is leaning on the Word,
The living Word of God,
 Salvation by my Savior’s name,
 Salvation through His blood.

 My great physician heals the sick,
The lost He came to save;
For me His precious blood He shed,
For me His life He gave.

The tug on my heart

I had not anticipated being a working mom. However, finding my partner in life took me a lot longer than anticipated as well. During those years of waiting for my personal life to change, I worked on my academic and professional life. I experienced enough success during my school years and professional years to satisfy me.

Then came along my dear hubby, with enough expectations of what are relationship was going to be to provide a catalyst for change in my professional life. Here I am several years later, my professional life is  not unfolding in as precise a manner as I would like, but a baby has now taken up permanent residence in our house. Having made multiple changes to provide for his care as best we are able, we still find ourselves relying on other people for help. I have chosen people who I trust, who love him and who will keep him safe,  providing care mostly according to my wishes. That doesn't change the moment when  I leave him in his nana's care, and he doesn't seem to notice I am gone....

I have carefully over these last few months made sure my son is aware he is safe and loved in the presence of other family members. He doesn't need to fuss for me to come and get him when another family member wants to hold him. When someone is a family member or a friend we say "hi" and I let them touch him. If it's a stranger, I may say "hi" but I don't let them touch him. When my little one looks at my face to see if it's ok to connect, I let him know the persons name and show him how to greet this person. Even at his young age he is already familiar with his Grandma's, Aunts, Cousins and Uncles. At family get-togethers he makes a visit around the room to say "hi" to each one. Sometimes trading his trademark lion's roar with them "Arghh"

During the week he often stays with a family member, and there are all sorts of toys for him to play with and he knows exactly where they are. Once I set him off he crawls over to his toys and starts playing with them, listening intently to her as she speaks Spanish to him. It's not that I want him to suffer.... I just want him sometimes to want only me. That special moment when I know I am the only one who will make my little one happy. To see evidence of his attachment to someone other than me, breaks my heart a little. When I see the obvious evidence of his attachment, I want to scoop him up and carry him away, so that he is just mine. Non one else's. When those thoughts come to me, I have to consciously walk away and not mess with his little heart.

While my little one needs me, a lot, he also needs the love of a supportive and caring family. If something were to happen to me, he needs to feel attached to someone else so they are able to raise him. Although the thought of someone else raising my child, is enough to break my heart again). Knowing how to make relational connections with others is essential in life. By letting him learn how to develop relationships, I am providing for his future. I am just surprised at feeling a tug on my heart, because my little one is already growing so fast.

Every Tear

I work with so many families these days where I wonder if change is going to happen. I can see the path they need to take, and I will be their guide if they will follow, but I cannot make it happen. Working with families can be tiring, exhausting and create burnout. The workers in and out of families lives is often so long the families don't bother to remember names. On the other side, workers become burned out and cynical to the point where it seems a game to see who can be the most skeptical regarding client changes because it seems there are so few. I have to say that seeing both sides of the equation it leaves me wondering. What will happen next? Is there a right individual? Playing different scenarios through my mind, I wonder about conflict between Christians. We believe that those who have placed their trust in Jesus Christ and accepted Him as their Savior will receive eternal life. What if they are unable to make relational repairs in this life? What will happen in the new earth?

When those who have carried such heartache and grief in their hearts be suddenly able to connect? What about those who have been abused? Will a parent and child find a healthy relationship in heaven? It's easy to assume that people who are seen as villains may not share eternity with us. I don't think its that simple. People are far more complex than any other creation. The relationships they engage in are no less so.

Sometimes all I know to do is focus my eyes on Him. Dealing with pain and suffering may be my profession, but I do not have the cure. Only He does.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”Revelation 21:4

Book Giveaway

Patty Froese has generously blessed us with a e-book to give to someone. Starting this weekend and running until May 12th leave a comment below to sign up for a chance to win this e-book. In a special twist you may also nominate as many women (and men too) as you would like to have the opportunity to win as well. In true HomePage fashion the more who are involved, the merrier the time we have together.
Now let's have some fun blessing each other. :)

Main stipulation is that this is an e-book so the person who wins will need access to a reading app or be able down load a reading app.

Anne Stanborough, a well known mystery writer, inherits her maiden aunt's book store, Perfect on Paper. The lawyer handling her aunt's estate is none other than the handsome Jake Harrison, but despite his attraction to the beautiful author, his painful divorce has made him wary of a marriage between two driven professionals. Anne can't let go of the career she's worked her entire life towards, and he isn't willing to make a second mistake in marriage. It looks like they should call the whole thing off until Anne discovers that her late maiden aunt might not have been so "maiden" after all… A love story from the past tugs this couple back together again, but will it be enough to prove that a love founded in God really can overcome anything?

Flirting with being controlling

I recently flirted with becoming controlling. To control is defined as "to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate;command" as found on dictionary.com. Let me give you some background information first. Far too many times I have observed mothers give up on basic hygiene for their children. It bothers me. Therefore as the nurse in the hospital taught me how to wash my newborn son I listened intently. Helpful in this whole process is that my son hates to sit in a wet or dirty diaper. They must be changed quickly or a meltdown ensues in a short matter of time. So enough of the background....here is what happened....

My sister came to help me with baby care one afternoon. I had a messy house, still in my work around the house clothes, and I needed to get ready for a professional meeting. My son also needed a bath. I asked my sister to give him a bath which she agreed to do. My sister proceeded to run the water and start bathing my son. I then stood over her shoulder and told her exactly what she needed to do to clean my son properly. His eyelids are gently cleaned first. Then nails on the hands and feet must be scrubbed. Baby rolls must be cleaned out because they are collectors of dirt. The scalp requires special attention to prevent dry skin and cradle cap. The ears are checked for dirt on the outer portion of the ear. Once completed then the child is covered in various lotions and oils to help protect his skin. Never mind I had a long list to accomplish already and she was helping me by giving him a bath. Never mind that I learn a lot from my sister on how to take care of a baby, infant, toddler, etc. For some emotional reason I simply could not let go of the process I use to bathe my son and insisted my sister follow the same method. I did exactly what I dislike so much about people who attempt to control others; I dominated the process and kept everyone from learning and growing. In fact I   did what I dislike the most - I dominated a very wise and experienced woman who had the opportunity to teach me how to better care for my son because she had a more objective point of view. ughhh. This is why I prefer a collaborative approach to life and I think I learned my lesson. No more flirting with controlling behavior.