The story of a mother

I realized this morning that Mother's day is a couple of months away. Last year my first year as a mother, I was a mother in waiting. My thoughts on mothering were anticipatory in nature, not experiential. This year I have my babe in arms. Some of my thoughts this year on mothering have to do with how little I know about it. I have a lot of analytical knowledge about mothering, but I lack a legacy of mothering. My Mother was not raised by her mother. 

My mother was raised by her father. Although I have knowledge of my maternal grandmother her mother knowledge and wisdom ( and unfortunately her lack there of) are not part of my story how to mother a child. You might not think this is a big deal. I bet you don't realize however how many experiences you have because your mother or your grandmother or your great-grandmother did something a certain way. I hear it in my mother-in-law's voice sometimes when she speaks with a finality on certain ways to care for a baby. It's the way it's always been done, the way she saw it done and the way she cared for her baby. On my mother's side I have very little knowledge of my grandmother or great-grandmother. I don't even have an item that belonged to this woman. The connection is broken. Such a sadness and yet it is my reality.  For me, my story of mothering begins with my own mother. In some ways this is a blessing. I don't have to fight against years of tradition and the authority of older women in how I care for my child. As I being this journey of parenting though, it can feel very lonely. I have my mother to help me. Yet our shared story of mothering is pieced together from various women who invested what they were able in caring for my own mother. A mosaic, so to speak, of a mother. An image of what a mother could be. An image though lacks warmth, affection, emotion and comfort. 

A good portion of my legacy of mothering comes from my father's side of the family. I think of babies and I hear lullabies that were sung by my aunt and my grandmother. I see the way I interact with children and I am reminded of my grandmother again and it makes me smile. Because I knew my grandmother and not my grandfather I see so much of her in my dad and aunt. Her influence and story lives on. On my bed is a quilt my grandmother made for me twenty some years ago, that my mother remade into a king size quilt. I don't know how to describe the difference in the story though. Yes, she is part of my story of mother, but there is a distance that I can't explain.

Since this is my experience now. I think of my children and grandchildren. In their stories they will have to deal with the way it's always been. Not realizing perhaps that the story of mothering they will receive is that of trial and error, tears and forgiveness and born out of an unending heart full of love. My son will hear of how his grandmother sat up with me at night while I struggled to cope with the after effects of delivery and attempt to get my body to provide nourishment for my son. These are the moments that will influence my children. These are the stories they will hear. I hope the connection created in these days provides the legacy of family, love and mothering that I desire. It is all I have and yet, it is enough.

repairing the narrative

Pardon me while I process through some of what I am reading today. Feel free to add your thoughts as well because we learn new ways of thinking in the context of relationship (something for another blog).  For the class I am currently attending we are reading "The Developing Mind" by Daniel J. Segel. This book is not an easy read. For me it is like the first time I read C.S. Lewis (The Great Divorce). I didn't understand much and reading a paragraph at a time was about all I could manage because there was so much meaning packed into a few words. This book for me is a life-changer.


I have had the opportunity to do a lot of emotional work during my time in graduate school. Some of it under the guidance of my experienced instructors, some within the grace offered by my classmates, some within my personal relationships and some I have sought out to work on with the guidance of a much trusted and appreciated therapist. This emotional work has helped me untangle the emotional connections of painful, difficult and frustrating relationships in my life. Several times through out this last 18 months I have had to stop myself or remove myself from engaging in interactions with others that were more of the same. This very slow work has helped remove the emotional threat, and taught me even more about relationships. I have told myself several times, when dealing with intense emotional chaos "this is not how this story is going to end." My family, my life, my future will not be defined  by these experiences. I have a choice. I can choose to define my life by the losses I experience, or by the blessings in my life.


The brain works to understand experience by creating a form of narrative, a story of our lives. Through the production of neurotransmitters, past memories and current expectations the brain then looks for the continuing threads of the story in the relationships and experiences around us. Let's look at it this way.

If a person experienced abandonment in a primary relationship, whether as a child or as an adult, and no repairs are made, then it is likely that the individual will continue to find ways that the other person acts to reinforce the story of abandonment, whether or not that is the intention of the other person.

As I participate in the therapeutic process both as a therapist and as a client, I seek to empower myself and my clients to take the initiative in changing their role in their story. The process of emotionally claiming the outcome in the story they seek provides a catalyst in their understanding of who they are and what their future holds.

The challenge is in the relationships where emotional cut-off exists. For the longest time the only language I had for these relationships involved reconciliation. Now I understand that is not what I am encouraging. I am looking for a "repairing" of the narrative of the shared story. This repair allows physical and emotional arousal to reduce, better adjustments to stressors to occur and the brain to reorganize itself based on current relationships. This reorganization without the emotional focus on another person, allows the brain to look for a new story line, based on current relationships and releases the overpowering emotional connection between two people frozen in time. The choice is still there though. You and I can choose to define our lives by the relationships in emotional cut-off, or the relationships repaired allowing room for new relationships.. And when we choose, within our very neural development, those losses or those blessings will become ingrained, the threads of our story.

Love is.....

Today is our five year anniversary. I spent 25 years without my husband, and now after six years together, it seems like he has always been a part of my life. This year is our first year with our sweet son. Perhaps some would not consider this year quite as romantic as previous years, but then you haven't met my husband.

Apparently a traditional gift for the five year wedding anniversary is something made out of wood. The modern revised anniversary gift list is silverwareaccording to wikipedia. In our home this year it is something far more meaningful.

Almost two weeks ago, we welcomed our son into our little home. Labor was fast. Contractions started at 11:30pm on a Friday night at 1-3 minutes apart. This continued the rest of my labor and I started pushing about 7:45am in the morning. At 8:47am my son was born, a mere nine hours after labor had started. I was worn out, but thrilled that my little one was here. Then the excitement began. I had a major hemorrhage after delivery. I am so thankful for the quick acting medical team that provided the treatment I needed. I truly never felt in danger, although from eyewitness accounts it was a bit more dicey a situation than I was aware of. In fact an hour later I was up and moving around and felt fine. It was later that evening when the nursing staff was still talking about a possible blood transfusion when the gravity of the situation hit home. Then...that night I got three hours of sleep. I was still able to go home the next evening, simply because I requested to recover at home and no blood transfusion. Thank you Lord! There are only three ways though that I know to start recovering.
1. Drinking lots of water
2. Eating fresh fruits and vegetables (focusing on my iron intake).
3. Lots of sleep

I am blessed in that whenever I turn around someone is bringing me a re-filled water bottle of fresh water. In the same manner, I have had more veggies made in various forms for me and fresh fruit is always available. However, I don't know any new Mom who is getting sleep. This includes me. This is where my romance story starts this year.

After the 8-9pm feeding at night, I go to bed. My hubby stays up with our son, holding him, watching him sleep, soothing him, changing soiled diapers, talking to him whatever he can do to get me just a little more sleep. Sometimes, when I get up for another feeding, I realize that it is 2am or 3am in the morning, my hubby is still up with our son, and my hubby,has to work later that day. This might not seem like much, but as I piece together 8-10 hours of sleep, two to three hours at a time in a night this is huge, as it seems to be one of the only ways to help me recover enough energy to get through the day alone with the baby.

So this anniversary the gift from my hubby is the gift of sleep, and it is truly a gift of love.

What If?

My hubby and I recently participated in a small group regarding the topic of marriage. We read "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas and discussed different topics each week in the small group. One chapter just grabbed my attention. It's title "sacred struggle." Conflict exhausts me. So I have worked in my marriage to find ways to solve, resolve and manage conflict as best one can in a marriage relationship. I also have a tendency to internalize external conflict in the form of physical stress, so I literally have to limit my contact with people where there is constant tension for my own health. Conflict, tension, adversarial comments, disrespect, slander and vindictiveness when present in people I know, are managed in order to limit their impact on me. However, this chapter on "sacred struggle" taught me a lot about a deeper meaning in difficult, stressful and tension filled relationships. Here is a quote that is specifically regarding a difficult marriage that changed my paradigm regarding the meaning of conflict in relationships for me.

If we take our faith seriously and make our way through a difficult marriage in pursuit of witnessing God's reconciling love for a sinful world, then a difficult marriage becomes part of our exercise to prepare us for heaven...God never promises to remove all our trials this side of heaven - quite the contrary!- but He does promise that there is meaning in each one. Our character is being perfected, our faith is being built, our "heavenly reward" is being increased. (Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas).

As I was cleaning my house tonight, I reflected on this concept. I amused myself by realizing that my most difficult relationships do not directly include my marriage. I thought of how  unpleasant it is to deal with certain people who are constantly complaining, vindictive, inflexible and constantly creating tension around me. At the same time expressing gratitude for the pleasant, loving and enjoyable marriage I have. Then I had one of those moments of insight where it became very clear to me that this concept of God using a difficult marriage to refine my character is not limited to my marriage relationship. God is able to use any relationship that is difficult for me to manage and even maintain at times to refine my character.

This led me on a path of reflection regarding what I have learned from my most challenging personal relationships.

1. It's necessary to grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted with the individual
2. A lot of time will be spent holding your tongue, turning the other cheek, and walking away from comments that look to instigate a fight.
3. Accept the person where they are and the relationship for what it is
4. Learn what not to do in relationships, then apply that new understanding. I find myself much more thoughtful, considerate and appreciative of my countless other relationships where I experience emotional gratification.
5. My family always looks to find meaning in difficult times. It's part of our resilience. Finding meaning in a difficult relationship can make it more bearable on the days you want to give up.
6. Don't form alliances, force people to take sides for or against an individual or constantly complain, "vent" or otherwise make derogatory comments about another person in an attempt to form an alliance.

 Remember it is your character that is being refined. Trust God to do his perfect will in your life!

A cosmic do-over!

This week was full of emotional peaks and valleys. As I come to the finish line of this week and take a moment to reflect, I realize I am abundantly and overwhelmingly blessed. I say this even though I am far grumpier at the moment, then I can ever remember being or would ever want to be again. I blame it all on my quickly growing little one, affectionately of course. Over the last few months I have thought of my little one as "baby", an unknown individual, someone I will know in the future. Now I know this little one is my son! My son! I am still getting used to it. My heart literally melts whenever my hubby calls home during a break and wants to know how our son is doing. Such a little bit of knowledge has changed everything. I realize too not everyone gets a second chance like we are experiencing.

Years and years ago I remember listening to an episode of Dr. Laura on the radio. During a call she talked with a woman about the fact that we have two chances in life to have a parent/child relationship. First as a child with our own parents and second as the parents to our own children. I remember her suggesting to this woman that instead of trying so hard to fix her relationship with her mother, to focus on the relationship with her daughter, not to fix her past, but to give her daughter the best of her love, attention and devotion. This call has always stuck in the corner of my mind and occasionally I would ponder it. This week, this memory was brought to the forefront of my mind again. My husband and I get a do-over.

My husband for many years did not have his father in his life. The reasons are too many to discuss or to worry about at this point. Relationships are often so complicated, burdened by the issues of more then one generation and more than one family even. All that mattered in the middle of these complex relationships is my husband grew up without his father present. This week, each time I think about how blessed we are to have this second chance, I begin to cry. My husband gets to experience a parent/child relationship with his son. I am not saying we are going to fix the past. What's done is done. I am saying that I have a little boy who will know his father and I have a husband who will know his son. We are so blessed! ( and yes, I am crying again).

Come to me all who are weary....

 It was a bit of a jolt to my sensibilities when I joined the working world after I graduated college, when I discovered that I would at some point likely have to work Friday night or Saturday. I checked into the legal expectations to see if I could claim a form of religious exemption. As it turns out, there are certain places that do not have to allow changes in work schedules due to religious reasons. Companies that  \work with people who require 24 hour care or staffing, are one of those places. Then the first pager call, as a new supervisor, and no one would work. I had to cover the open hours. So a few times over the years,  I have been known to work sometime on Friday to Saturday in order to meet job expectations and to protect the physical, emotional and medical safety of those I cared for. At first I'll admit that I wondered what would happen to me spiritually if I worked on the day I was raised to hold as the Sabbath, a day set aside from work and other obligations and devoted to worship and fellowship with other believers. What happened? Absolutely nothing! Nothing spiritually, nothing emotionally, nothing in my every day life changed. Nothing special happened at all. I woke up the next day and went to work again. The monotony of my everyday experience at work didn't change either. Working 14 days straight is exhausting!  In an interesting twist of events, this experience early in my career actually solidified my belief in the Sabbath. I began to crave the Sabbath! A special day taken from my week devoted to developing relationships with those I treasure, and those who share in the desire to grow more like Him. No work obligations! No need to focus on furthering my career and advancing! A day when I can let the things of this world fade away for a moment and focus on the people I care about the most and the God I serve and love. Now the Sabbath is one of my favorite days of the week!

My inspiration from this blog came from the recent news regarding a spiritual leader in the Adventist church resigning his/her ministry position. I desire to speak my thoughts with grace and kindness and with respect to the difficult time this individual and their family and those who looked to him/her for leadership are going through. Having heard this individual speak on a couple of occasions, I found that I disagreed with the focus on, my interpretation here, performing perfectly as an Adventist. I willingly list what some may consider my discretion's here. I have had to work on the Sabbath. I have not been prepared for the Sabbath due to an exhausting week and had to go to the store and pick up food so we could eat. I have willingly helped out friends in need on the Sabbath, even if it involved work. I once went shopping, but felt so uncomfortable that I haven't gone out shopping again on the Sabbath. If I am not in imminent need of something, it can wait. I have made other decisions that visibly made my mother "gulp" before she shared that she supported my decision and whatever outcome, even though I know she disagreed with me. I am not a perfect Adventist! I know this! Listening to this spiritual leader in the Adventist church, solidified my realization that I am not perfect. However, this same spiritual leader also advised young men and women to forgo marriage and children to further Christ's ministry. Spouses and children were seen as burdens, distractions, and unnecessary in the quest for the kingdom of God. Honestly I cannot imagine a Sabbath without having beloved ones near me to celebrate the day. It may seem a silly issue to differ with someone on, but for me it was significant.

When the focus is on perfect performance, especially within a family, there is little room for expressions of grace. Attempts to control and create a perfect environment of perfectly expressed Adventism turns up the pressure on the relationships and emotional friction increases. Preferences on how to express the doctrines of Adventism, may become battles between spouses or parents and children with moral undertones and ultimately a beloved one's salvation is placed on the line. An emotionally devastating place to live. And a beloved one decides to cross the line and see what happens when they go outside the boundaries of Adventist beliefs. Discovering, like I did, nothing actually happens. Because their relationship is now likely laden with emotional baggage and neither party is quite sure what happened, confusion sets in. A person's salvation may literally be on the line, as a relationship with God may be non-existent, and the beloved one may not realize what the big deal is after all. In fact a long list of shouldn'ts now looks like one big lie, as it appears nothing at all happens after each doctrinal boundary held so dear by a spouse or parent is crossed.These requirements were heavy burdens, very heavy burdens, too heavy to humanly carry. Being free of those burdens feels good. I have no doubt! There are those too, like some of our spiritual leaders who have lived perfect Adventism, at least from what was observed by those around them. Never a flaw, never a struggle, never any confusion or a question about how others also need to live their lives. Those who I have observed try to carry these heavy burdens, of living perfect Adventism, often find themselves in a major crisis and lose all they have. Their families, their marriages, their children, their ministries. An even heavier burden to carry. All from carrying this burden, this image they have created of being a perfect Adventist. Not much room for grace.

This is why one of my favorite all time verses is Matthew 11:28-29

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

I imagine myself coming to Him and giving Him the burden of being perfect, the burden of appearing perfect to fellow Adventists, and the burden of my actual failures, my sins during the week. Even my imperfect way of being an Adventist. I feel Him exchange my burden for His burden. That I risk how I look to others and share my fears, my failures, my hopes and dreams. His request from me is that I be authentic and real with my struggles and my successes in my relationships. That I celebrate my relationships and allow grace in my interactions with my beloved ones and my fellow believers, when I agree with them and when I disagree, doctrinally, relationally or otherwise.. And....I must be willing to allow Him to create in me a clean heart. In His presence it is necessary to look at my temptations and confess my sins and allow Him to change me and make me more like Him. This is the only way I know to protect my beloved ones from my temptations to sin and allow grace to flourish in my life, in my relationships, and in my church.

Will you lose a battle ....to win the war for your child's, or your spouse's heart?

I am reminded of my own mother when I was about 10. I attempted to defy her wishes just once. The result of our interaction was quite painful for me physically and emotionally, and undeserved I might add, because I was a very easy going child and my mother would have needed to do very little to motivate me to please her. Instead I have a traumatic memory of that incident and a pervasive sense of distrust towards her which did not dissipate until my later teen years. The lack of compassion in that moment from my mother resulted in less of a connection with her.A decision I know today pains her and the consequences in our relationship were ones she did not want nor anticipated, but in that moment twenty years ago my defiance was all she could see. Sometimes even when it appears a battle will be lost, the compassionate and wise choice is to find a way to stay connected, even in the midst of defiance. Losing one battle to maintain the relationship, even if it appears the defiant child will win, in the end the parent will likely win the war regarding desired long-term behavior change in the child.

All of these thoughts came to mind tonight as I process the experience during our worship service at HomePage over the weekend. Each week the experience is different, the outpouring of weekly emotions, experiences and expectations overflowing into our worship service. It is no different at other churches. Just at most churches everyone is expected to conform to one way of interacting with each other. At the HomePage we have learned that the emotions, experiences and expectations come along with whether or not you "allow" them  to be expressed or not.  No doubt about somethings that happen are definitely quirky, definitely unique to our expression of worship. As I watched the group of people gathered together, with their loved ones surrounding them, I came to the conclusion we each make decisions each weekend.

Will I attend a church where I feel comfortable, but will likely worship without my beloved ones?

Or will I attend a church where I sometimes feel uncomfortable, but my beloved ones surround me as we worship together?

These questions are ones that Adventists have faced before. Previously the decision made is this: "I will feel comfortable" and the beloved ones leave the church, in droves, ending up in churches that have created an opportunity to belong, or out in the ambiguity of whether or not to even believe in God.

At the HomePage we are trying out the other side of the equation. What happens when I sometimes feel spiritually, emotionally, relationally uncomfortable, but my spiritual journey includes my beloved one(s)? My husband has told me that prior to meeting me and attending HomePage, he seriously questioned what his spiritual journey would look like five, ten years down the road. Now he insists that we attend church each week and that we will have a spiritual home to raise our child in our faith. Knowing that my spiritual journey includes my beloved ones makes the uncomfortable moments worth the personal growth that occur. And knowing that by choosing a relationship with my husband and my child, even when I may not agree with individual decisions they make means I win the battle for their hearts, makes those uncomfortable moments fade away from memory.