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The comparison of loss and pain is an area of frustration
for me. I, personally, don’t want to compare my life story to someone else’s. I
have always tried to live in a manner where I achieve my personal best, and any
competition involved is against myself, in order to improve my own abilities.
In school, both undergraduate and graduate school, I didn’t ever seek out ways
to compare my abilities to someone else’s. To foster a competitive atmosphere
in the classroom didn’t help me achieve my goal of graduating. I don’t think
competition helps us in life as spouses, parents, friends and family members
either. This saying fits quite well in my opinion, “comparison is the thief of
joy” (Theodore Roosevelt).
I take that same attitude when dealing with loss, grief, pain
and frustration. I observe other people discount their own pain because someone
else is going through something else much worse. It is very difficult to watch
this comparison. Here are my thoughts on
it:
For those who have
lived in a disadvantaged world filled with poverty, abuse or a myriad of other
issues it can often be stated they have suffered more than anyone else and we should deny our own pain in their presence. This response though, denies them the
possibility of experiencing “grit” and resilience. The reasons why grit and resilience
are important is described in this Ted Talk by Angela Lee Duckworth, Ph’D, linked here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H14bBuluwB8.
For those who have lived a life of advantage filled with
wealth, a loving close knit family or a myriad of other blessings as a reason
they aren't allowed to suffer, denies them the experience of vulnerability. To experience vulnerability is a powerful
experience as described in this Ted Talk by Brene Brown, Ph’D linked here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o.
For others, it may be that experiencing both vulnerability and
resilience is important. I think that is where I fit most often, in need of experiencing
validation of what has been painful, and also finding a way to experience
resilience.
This blog entry http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/going-beyond-hurt-feelings/
by a woman who lost a child, has profoundly affected my view of comparison on
grief and loss. Her choice to say “your hurts still hurt” validates that this
world can be a tough road to walk, no matter the circumstances.
