Using questions to connect

This week I attended training on Attachment Disorders. An intense 8 hour class, on how to help individuals recover after attachment trauma has occurred, usually while very young, in a manner that allows a child to trust a parental figure again. No small challenge there! One of the ways to build trust shared by Denise L. Best, LMHC, is the way a person communicates with an attachment traumatized child. Giving someone a parent figure to rebel against, is often the typical way parents, parent. "Don't do that because I said so" " Homework is due on Monday, I expect that you will have it done tonight." This doesn't seem unreasonable, especially coming from a parent. However, someone who has experienced attachment trauma, has taken care of their own needs for a long time, and maybe even met the needs of younger siblings. So instead of parenting what occurred in the statements above, is the pre-cursor to a power struggle. Using questions, is a way to reduce defensiveness in other people, and provides an opportunity to be on the same page. Denise L. Best, LMHC recommends that 75% of communication with attachment traumatized individuals be in the form of questions.

It reminded me of reading Bridges out of Poverty by Ruby Payne, Ph.D. Using the "Adult Voice" to communicate with individuals who are adults, that as a child/teenager were "parentified." Using the parent voice is an insult to someone who cared for themselves and others. Especially in an area of expertise, it can be second nature to make a statement about how to handle a situation. Having been in conversations though, where a statement, was the trigger for another person to argue, my own observations agree, depending on the people involved, statements can create conflict, rather than manage conflict.

It can be overwhelming though to know where to start. I have included a link below on how to ask "elaborating questions." Questions that require more than a yes/no answer, and can help create connections and build trust between individuals.

http://questioning.org/Q7/toolkit3.html#anchor214498