Who am I? Who are you?

Five Sullivan Brothers

Something I just recently noticed, is that families tend to have specific strengths, and specific weaknesses. Not a surprise I know. I am particularly interested though, in how strengths are managed. When one sibling fails to launch, falls into poverty, develops an addiction, or illness, families tend to fall into specific roles that allow a family to just plain survive.  However, when a sibling set grows, passes through adolescence and successfully launches, very often that identity is consistent across the group. Strengths are similar, areas of interest tend to be similar, relational interactions are similar, and siblings spouses tend to have aspects of familiarity to them. Success is a process that needs to be monitored, perhaps even more closely. Failure can draw a family together. Success is what can push them apart.

Here are my thoughts on why I think that success is more likely to push a family apart:


1. A fight for resources - in order to be a success it requires the presence of resources. In particular relational, and financial resources.

2. Childhood roles are continued in adulthood - falling into childhood roles of oldest, youngest and everyone in between, doesn't allow for everyone to interact as the adults they are.

3.  Jealousy - if a sibling is successful in a certain area it can create opportunities for competition to arise. It can also be harder for an older sibling watch a younger sibling appear to be more successful.


4.Family Belonging is threatened - if a family operates on a performance basis then watching a sibling succeed can feel threatening, especially if it seems that there won't be a place for each person to continue to belong in the family.

5. Sharing the limelight - getting attention is addictive. Once someone appreciates something that you have done, the drive to continue to receive that appreciation can be a driving force that excludes relationships that might threaten that appreciation.

I am aware of only one anti-dote to the addiction of success.....Teamwork.

Teamwork allows for each person to have a place. Each person (sibling) has the opportunity to contribute to the continuing success of the family. I have gone in depth on the topic of teamwork on this blog. Teamwork allows creates the opportunity to be more successful, touch more individual's lives, and make a difference, than working on your own. Teamwork also creates opportunities to learn. Perhaps one area is a particular strength for one person, that means there are other areas that are needed, and adjustments can be made as each person specializes in their area of strength.

If teamwork isn't an option then you will probably notice there needs to be more space and decreased contact in order for the family relationships to accommodate the similar identities. This isn't a failure. I would however encourage a family to be proactive about providing space in the family in order to preserve and protect family relationships. Because in my experience either member's of the family submerge their abilities and identity in order to maintain peace in the family, or significant conflict can occur causing even greater pain.

Self-Sabotage

 Oh Self-Sabotage you are my enemy. When I self-sabotage, I realize something in my life is out of balance, and yes,  it is generally in the area of marriage vs. family of origin. Then I usually go see a counselor when I do because of a very upset hubby. Last year going to see a counselor (because I had a very angry hubby) helped me to identify the triggers both physical and emotional that were the catalyst for sabotaging my marriage. I realized then self-sabotage is a major problem that is difficult to see, unless another person in your life is able to share the problem, and the person self-sabotaging cares enough about the other person to change.

The self-sabotage I am talking about is when I see a person, either close to me or not, on the road to success in a career or a ministry, or a relationship, and several months later that individual's life is in disarray, and possibly at risk of losing everything. Then there is the person who seems like they never get past the starting gate. Starting over again and again, never making progress in a career, a relationship or a ministry.  Its not something that is rare either. I have watched this happen over and over and over again. Listening on the radio the other day I was reminded of Stephen Covey's comments about "beginning with the end in mind". If you ask me, and I am sure you are, it is the most overlooked concept at the beginning of a project. A question "What will success look like?" can allow for more creativity during the process. I realize though, that requires a lot of maturity. So it led me to to a conclusion -  being successful does not match the internal identity of the individual because of two reasons
A. being unable to create meaning out of an intense trauma that has occurred in their life
B. a person is not mature enough to handle that level of success (and set up obstacles that prevent success from happening). For example, it will only be a success if only my ideas are used, and only if I have all of the credit for the completed project.
The emotional maturity required to be successful includes developing selflessness, managing one's own emotional responses (being emotionally volatile will surely destroy your relationships), delaying gratification, and developing your own identity.

I am really proud of my hubby, (a recovering self-sabotager as well) working slowly and steadily to make his dreams come true. Last year at this time my hubby's dream of starting a local Film Guild was just in the beginning stages. At the end of this year the group has completed two, yes two, collaborative projects. I have seen my husband contribute in the areas of his strengths to the group, and I have seen him contribute in areas that he is weaker, eager to learn from someone who is more talented, more knowledgeable or more experienced.

So as two recovering self-sabotagers work together to make their dreams come true, we have discovered that when we work together, we can achieve great things.In fact when progress is slow, but the progress is steady, it allows us time to integrate the small successes into our personal view's of ourselves, our spouse, and our marriage. That is how we set ourselves up for success.





Barbara Bowes on her website talks about self-sabotage seen in the workplace. I recommend it for an insightful view of how it can effect one's career.

Here are the rest of the 7 Habits below:

Stephen Covey - the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

1. Be Proactive
2. Begin with the end in mind
3. Put first things first (personal priorities)
4. Think win-win
5. Seek first to understand, then be understood
6. Synergize (two heads are better than one)
7.Sharpen the saw (care for your physical, spiritual, emotional needs)



Here are some other links on self-sabotage. 

http://www.entrepreneur.com/management/managementcolumnistscotthalford/article201738.html

http://www.iloveulove.com/psychology/selfsabotage.htm

Creating a Team Environment

I try to leave more time between blog posts - just because it seems awfully presumptuous of me to write another blog so soon and expect someone to read it. However, I have a big project due for school in the next 14 days, and all my brain waves will be focused on creating the completed outcome I desire. All of these thoughts I have going through my mind about teamwork will dissolve, and I will think back on it saying to myself "now what were those thoughts I had about teamwork?"  So this is my attempt to jot them down in a way that might be helpful.


When I think of teamwork there are of course the images of team sports that come to mind like football and soccer and basketball and hockey. The team there is essential in scoring points and winning a game. However, I have noticed that teams will spend an awful lot of money in order to secure one or two amazingly talented players that will help carry the team to victory. I realized that when I think of relational teamwork it is far more complex then someone coming up with a plan, and a group of people executing the plan. Relational teamwork is far more dynamic, full of more possibilities and the satisfaction of creating something beautiful together filling the individuals involved with a greater depth of understanding of other people. The gratification sublime and the motivation to try something else"impossible" almost impossible itself to resist.

The image that came to mind then were those of Trapeze Artists. A group of highly trained, creative, motivated and physically and emotionally strong individuals. Why emotionally strong? Because I, personally, have never been able to overcome my fear of heights long enough to swing from a barn rope, let alone swing through the air at that high an altitude. The other part of that resonated so strongly with me is that while they have trainers and coaches and choreographers that make sure they are emotionally and physically prepared with an entertaining routine, if you have ever watched a routine the coaches are pacing the sidelines hoping they pull of the routine. No one is there yelling "Ok, you need to let go. Let your partner grab your hands and let go of the bar you are holding onto." Directions that precise would completely interfere with the relationship between the Trapeze Artists and most likely cause a grave injury. I find it interesting how often a "team" is described as a group of people completing tasks for another person. I find it amusing when it is a group of highly educated, professional individuals who are regulated to following the directions of another person. A complete waste of resources.  

My description of teamwork then is a creative process involving the thoughts, comments and ideas of each person on the team. If a Trapeze Artist is unable to complete part of the routine they won't force the person to complete it because it will put the entire team at risk. Instead adjustments can be made that might include that individuals strengths. There by also keeping the rest of their team safe as well. It also involves trust. Can you imagine letting go of a bar high in the air to be caught by another member of the team precisely when you need to be caught? The only way that is going to happen is if there is trust between the team members.

Here are my steps to teamwork:

1. Communicate the beginning and end points - share with the team where you see it currently and where you would like be be at the end of the process. The process in the middle is just that the process. As long as you get to the desired outcome (in a legal, ethical, moral manner) the details do not need to be micro-managed.
2. Identify the strengths of other people in the team and ask how they see themselves best involved. Offer suggestions. I always do - sharing my observations of another person's strengths and then suggesting how those strengths could benefit the team. It starts the "idea ball" rolling.
3. Allow the other person (s) to develop their own idea - it's one less thing for me to have to worry about.
4. Change the plan - when the ideas start flowing, the plans start changing. Because I have one perspective - the additional  insights consistently make a plan better.
5. Trust your teammates - when something in the plans change its not personal. It often involves logistics, or not being a perfect fit with someone's strengths. Unless you want to end up with all the work - take a deep breath. Remember its the goal at the end that is the focus of the team.


I think that teamwork is a beautiful thing to watch. In my mind its similar to watching "Trapeze Artistis" I am sometimes terrified, sometimes amazed at how they managed to pull off a set of tricks, and always inspired. Because a group of people creative, committed and motivated to reaching a goal can accomplish just about anything.

We are on the same team...

I am celebrating a wedding anniversary this week! Its been both a long four years when I look at what we have gone through. Its also been a fast four years when I look at all we have accomplished. Which leads me to the reason why I think that even with all the junk we have had to deal with the reason we have made it through, still in love, still liking each other and still enjoying each other is....teamwork! We had what looked like an insurmountable mountain of debt to deal with, and so many needs of our own. Yet, we did the hard work and paid off what was owed. What I owed. What my husband owed. Because when we married his debts became my debts, and my debts became his debts.

The biggest challenges to working together had to do with the fact that I tend to be quite flexible and easy-going about life, and my  hubby tends to be less flexible, and more intense about life. So our greatest conflict came from agreeing to a plan of action, working the plan and then hanging on long enough to celebrate the win together. I didn't realize at the time overwhelmed, hurting and desperate as I was to see the end of that journey, how it was setting the foundation of how my husband and I handle other crisis that come along during our marriage. I see now that we have another long journey ahead of us involving lots of homework, lots of time away from each other, and lots of money.  I have seen again how teamwork is guiding us along the journey. What does teamwork look like at our household?

I feel obligated to start with the fact that teamwork isn't one person telling other people what to do and expecting them to do it. That would be more of an employer/employee relationship, and not the most effective kind of relationship for accomplishing anything great. The bare minimum, absolutely. Above and beyond, probably won't happen because they can't get beyond the power struggles brought on by treating someone as though their only use is to serve another. 

In teamwork though, both of us as a part of the team have a say. Often it will come down to the other spouse having the ability to say "yes" or "no" to an idea, project, or activity, especially those involving money. We talked about graduate school for a couple of weeks before I completed the application, wanting to make sure we had thought it through before committing to that level of sacrifice both financial and relational.

It requires work on both of our parts - I may be in school, so that means making meals, shopping and paying bills have to be picked up by the hubby. Everyone negotiates the chores/jobs to run a house differently, but one person can't realistically do everything, and attempting to do so overworks one partner and prevents the other partner from investing in the household.

Both of us are invested in the outcome. When I have a major accomplishment, it is a reflection of the work both of us put into the process. One of the few thoughts I remember from our wedding service is that in marriage "joys are multiplied, and sorrows divided."

I have also been fortunate enough to have worked in a couple of business environments where team-work was a priority. There was less focus on what "I" could do to advance myself and more on the "we" of accomplishing great things together. And if I do say so myself, we were good. No, we were AMAZING!!  Like all good things it didn't last forever, but I have used some of the tools of teamwork I learned with those wonderful people over and over again. Each time I find the same result - when creative, capable, committed adults work together with positive and constructive feedback flowing back and forth, we are almost unstoppable. Why? Because we rely on the strengths of each person to carry the rest of the group forward, and are able to compensate for the natural weaknesses of others. Teamwork is a beautiful thing! This brings me back full circle to my hubby and I. My strengths often are able to cover the areas of weaknesses of my husband making him a more complete person. The same is true of when my husband uses his areas of strength to cover for my areas of weakness,  I become a more complete person. In fact, being on the same team as my hubby is probably one of the best things that has ever happened to me.