Insight Please!

           Dinner tonight with my hubby inspired some thoughts regarding individual behavior in relationships. Personal insight into choices individuals make seems strangely lacking to me. My hubby told me the story of an acquaintance of his who exhibits the same behavior (i.e self-righteousness) that he or she claims to abhor. Moments like that I wonder how come there is so little personal reflection. If I don't like how I am treated by others, why would I treat other people in a manner I am so profoundly upset by.

          I observe this behavior in personal relationships quite often. I have observed people I have worked with complain about the way they are treated by their family. Either controlled, ignored or somewhere completely confusing and infuriating in between. However, those individuals are so focused on the relationship that is irritating them and over which they have less influence or control, a power struggle in that relationship often ensues. Sometimes those power struggles last a lifetime and continue on through multiple generations. Yet these same adults engaged in a power struggle with senior members (parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles) or peer members (cousins, siblings, etc) of their family,  cannot see how they are creating the very same environment for their children. The only environment over which these adult children have the power to create is the one in their own home with young children, and the power to influence their older children. Needless energy is wasted on attempting to correct the past, when the future sits for a fleeting moment literally in their laps. If just a little of the energy that is directed at those who have hurt them, were instead focused on loving, caring and paying attention to their children, imagine the difference that could be made. Instead, I often see the children used as pawns, effective pawns, as grandparents kowtow to their adult children, having learned the lesson of relationships too late to influence their own children, and worried if they do not give in they will not have a relationship with their grandchildren. And the resentment builds. And 20 years from now, the parents will be grandparents, regretting relational decisions they made with both their parents and their children, only now their children will be in control of their relationship with their grandchildren. And the cycle continues.

           I am not without temptation in this area. My most recent trip to our counselor included my comment of "why can't other people have some insight into their actions." Our counselor told me "you only have a say in what you and (your hubby) decide to do." So true. The question is in my relationships will I choose to have insight regarding my behavior. My behavior, not anyone else's behavior. When I am in the midst of such inner searching my go to book is "Strong women, Soft hearts." I found in there the confrontational moment I needed and the area I needed to continually pray about. I found it in the chapter on "Losing Heart " :

 We live by inner statements that are born out of experienced pain, and these statements shape our lives more than we can possibly imagine. If the wound is great enough, or the experience happened early in our lives, these inner statements are much more akin to a vow.  No way, not while there is tea in China, will we get stuck in that experience again .That's the intensity associated
with a vow. It's like concrete that hardens around a wound, something calcified that only the love of Christ can soften and dissolve. (Rinehart, 2001, p. 56).

 Yeah, that sounds about right. I am looking at the vows I have made and praying about them. Yes, I have some pretty strong vows I have made.I haven't changed them or let go of them yet. Just being aware of them is challenging. Only, I don't like the person those vows tempt me to become. I also don't like the vulnerability letting go of those vows creates in my heart. I also have a lot of uncertainty as to what an environment without these vows will look like. So many questions this spiritual confrontation has created in my heart.  Will I be brave enough to explore the possibilities? Or will I turn back to and embrace my vows to protect myself? Will I choose to create the very means by which I could alienate my own children? I don't have the answer yet.