I didn't want to disappoint....

My sister and I were having a conversation the other day about children, having worked with families and children in crisis for several years now, its interesting to observe the patterns of behavior that occur from family to family.

One of the most painful observations is that often there appears to be a complete lack of interest in a child, other than how the child makes the parent look to an outsider. Behaviors that occur unchecked, and you know they are unchecked when a parent is oblivious to the child, even though they are fighting, yelling and emotionally out-of -control. When this is brought to the attention of the parents, either its the worker's fault for observing and pointing out the disruptive and destructive behavior, or the parent responds so heavily (with yelling, swatting and loss of privileges) that the child is left incredibly confused. Either way, the child feels completely unconnected emotionally to their parents, that their model for handling conflict becomes ignore authority figures instructions or act in a manner destructive to the relationship, or both. That also leads to this bizarre need to discipline in public. I am actually grateful that the times in public I was corrected for my behavior, my mother always removed me from where friends and other adults could see the correction. An already embarrassing situation, when handled privately, at least allows the child to retain some dignity.

Which leads me back to my conversation with my sister. Both of us, even in times of conflict with our parents felt so strongly attached, and with that attachment, a strong desire to please our parents, that disappointing our parents seemed like the worst action of all.

How do you help a child develop secure attachment; Work on Emotion coaching ( Attachments Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy). Emotion coaching focusing on an awareness of emotions, understanding and validating emotions, guiding a child towards self-awareness of emotions, problem-solving, and setting limits on behavior.

This leads to the dreaded word - consistency. A word I want to remove from my vocabulary due to the ineffectiveness of its usage, and the instant defensiveness it creates in parents. However, consistently catching children doing things right, providing emotion coaching when a child is emotional  and consistently guiding children away from unwanted behavior, towards preferred behavior, will increase the emotional connection between you and your child. Then when the teenage years roll around, they will be buffered by the affection and guidance you have provided all along. An interesting fact, is that even as adults, we are still children of our parents, and even though I have a responsibility to make my own decisions, I usually seek out my parents opinion. Its nice to be friends with my parents.