Who is in charge?

Getting through holiday tension among adults requires a bit of a road-map to understand the relationship dynamics that are likely to be playing out in front of you. For the most part, traditions (relational, emotional, type traditions) appear to pass from Mother to Daughter, so it is likely that a priority will be placed on the wife/mother's side of the family for holiday get-together's. I think it is important to keep this in mind, so that adjustments and negotiations can take place in a reasonable manner. (I rarely see the wife/mother give up a preferred holiday to her in-laws (however I am blessed to know some truly sweet people who are not so territorial), so coming to peace with it emotionally is very important for all people involved). However, this is complicated by hidden rules of class when the argument over holiday get-together's ensue.

Poverty Mindset - Matriarchal structure, female in charge makes the rules (may be posturing for which female is most dominate, the care-giver of children usually wins), everyone else submits or deal with being  emotionally/physically punished. Women in poverty are primarily friends with the females in their family of origin ( so this is very insular/protected group of people). Men play the role of fighter in an argument, and will fight to defend their woman's honor/choices. This is why some events end in a brawl, and everyone gathers together again next year.

Middle-Class: Patriarchal structure, negotiation sets the tone of conversation , self-governance is the view of interactions, so everyone is responsible for getting along. If an argument breaks out, the two involved will usually end it because arguing in public is a breach of the rules. The argument is usually resolved by negotiating an outcome agreeable to both parties.

Wealth:  The question of day is - who has the most $. Family members react of not wanting to upset the person who has the most money. A great example of this is the movie "The Ultimate Gift."   Your own children might not be as important, as staying in good graces with the person in charge.

Evident Weakenesses:

Poverty: Emotional Punishment for those who go against the Female's wishes

Middle-Class: Triangulation (team up with someone else)

Wealth; Fawning, sucking up, using others to get to the family fortune,  etc

When families with several generations gather together, there is also the challenge of family members marrying individuals who follow the hidden rules of another class group, and they are all gathered together at the same holiday event. Peace on earth is usually not the memorable experience.  So to smooth over those troubles keep in mind to keep practicing the "Adult Voice."

Use of the Adult Voice is crucial - whether you think the other person is acting like an adult or not. In fact, the more parentified a person was as a child, the more important it is to use the "Adult Voice" because even though they are likely to act like a child, to treat them like a child by using the "Parent Voice" will be the biggest insult of all. Keep practicing the "Adult Voice", it may ease high tension moments enough, to let everyone de-escalate.

Ultimately situations that involve the most conflict, need to be handled by the related individual. Conflict with my family is addressed whenever possible my me, so that I can help my husband and my family learn to emotionally and relationally invest in each other. The same is true with my husband's family, because he has the relationship with his family members, he is the person who connects us to them. This also means that I have learned to just mind my own business, because even if my family wouldn't handle it that way, his does, and that began long before my joining the family. My hope is that his Mom has had time to adjust, and not experienced too many demands to change. If I want to do something that involves his family, I ask my husband, and that means recognizing some areas are off limits and when he is ready, he will move forward on it.

This also ties in well to concepts from  "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work." John Gottman Ph.D.

#4: Let Your Partner Influence You. It is important to maintain your own identity in a relationship, but it is equally important to yield to your partner and give in. If both partners allow one another this influence, then they will learn to respect one another on a deeper level.

References to Hidden Rules of Class from "Crossing the Tracks for Love. Ruby Payne,Ph.D.