Cooperation and Control - keeping them in balance

I realize that my previous blog was Guerrero rant worthy. What a frustrating week! I did have the opportunity to learn a lot from it though

My goal when I go into meetings with other people, other agencies, other professionals, even other family members is to see if we can find something that will work for everyone. Its the middle child in me - mediation, cooperation and flexibility are defining interactions for me. It can serve me well at times. There are other moments though, where I miss the mark and everything falls apart. This is another place then where when ever possible, I see if I can understand - as I am very analytical and I will ask questions whenever possible to find out why everything fell apart. If decisions aren't changed, the pattern is likely to continue, and a change in behavior is necessary to be successful. Honest feedback is an opportunity to improve, grow closer to someone else, and create a team where competition might have dominated. Focusing on a common goal, and each person or team bringing their strengths to the team, makes everyone else better, and more is accomplished during the same amount of time.

Individual backgrounds though, play a major factor in the outcome of any interaction.

When people come from a poverty background (whether generational or situational) survival is the daily focus and resources are in short supply (financial, relationships, emotional, integrity, support systems, role models), then control over who receives how much of those resources is critical to survival. The fights to establish dominance in every relationship, the deciding factor to who goes without and who has enough to go on. The conversation can include emotional outbursts, snide comments, insults and emotional/mental put-downs. All to control who manages the available resources and establishes dominance (ownership, because in poverty, people are possessions) and extreme possessiveness, to the point you have to get permission from the female (who has established dominance) in charge to do anything.


From a middle class background there is plenty to make it through the day and resources are plentiful. Possessions are things, so when hearing that someone else can't do something without permission it is a foreign concept and they encourage the person to break off the relationship. Control at that level is unheard of. The language used between spouses, friends, co-workers, associates will be the language of negotiation. An attempt to control the outcome of the negotiation will result in the end of negotiation, with no agreement worked out between the different parties involved. Unless, the people involved are able to manage their emotions, ignore the attempts to control, ignore their own emotional reaction, and continue to make suggestions as to how to work together. (I am sure from what I previously wrote you can see this is my frame of reference).

From a wealthy background, the resources are abundant, and a phone call or two will bring about the desired information. This is done by investing time where other people who have the resources already are. Its like financial investment, only its with people, so that when a relational withdrawal is needed, there is more then enough available to meet the needs. And if a relationship doesn't exist to meet the need, there are more than enough finances to pay to have it done (actually the preferred method for people in wealth, it saves having to relationally negotiate).

Language Poverty: Casual Register.
Language is about survival

Middle Class: Formal register.
Language is about negotiation.

Wealth: Formal register.
Language is about networking.


Imagine what happens in family relationships (in-laws too) where people are from different backgrounds. Holidays, money, relationships.... oh, lets not.

All information is from Bridges out of Poverty by Ruby Payne Ph.D. paraphrased from my own experiences with people from different backgrounds.

How to learn to network:
http://www.businesspundit.com/how-to-network-for-introverts/

How to learn to negotiate:
http://www.hodu.com/no-win.shtml

How to stop controlling behavior:
http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/7779/self_improvement_and_motivation/control_helplessness_and_love.html