Practice, Practice, Practice

I remember the feel of the smooth keys underneath my fingertips, the rolling sounds as I played scales, and the triumph of hitting the correct notes and hearing music. My favorite part was realizing the music came from my hard work, and the extra time I had put in practicing the notes, the rhythm and the timing.

Its similar to what I experience now as I assist clients in managing painful emotions surrounding relational interactions with other family members. As I learn how to guide clients through difficult conversations and maintain the integrity of their relationships, I often feel so clumsy. I remember one of the first discussions I worked with a client on how to manage anger, and the individuals involved started their argument from the night before again, in my presence. As I worked to help them identify emotions, express the emotion, use I messages and state what they needed from each other, it seemed as though my tongue swelled up and the words stuck in my throat. Instead I sat on the edge of the group observing a verbal tennis game, with verbal assaults launched at each other with precise accuracy, as I occasionally stuttered an attempt to calm everyone down. Let me comment, that at that moment saying "It will be ok" and "we can work together" had almost no effect on people accustomed to verbally lacerating each other. I was glad to escape that meeting with minimal emotional damage myself. Practicing the skills of safely intervening, de-escalation and focusing on strengths, on the fly so to speak, definitely helped me become more familiar with how arguments occur, the emotions involved, and the habits developed in communication(good and bad.... ok, mostly bad).

New skills whether it is to learn a musical instrument, learn a new sport, or create a new way of interacting with others, are best learned through continual practice. If you don't practice the piano, its harder to tell when you hit an incorrect note. If you don't practice your sport of choice, the stamina and ball handling skills are awkward and it makes it difficult to participate as a team. If you don't practice postive, strength based interactions with other people, you will fall back on habits that are less likely to bring about the relational closeness you want.

Next time I will post the spheres of grace interlocking relationships grid. Let's hope I can figure out how to post it online.